Reviews for To Come Undone

BY : VegaKapera


  • From CrimsonAlchemist on December 27, 2009

    That was so hot!!! wowzers I love Basch and Balthier they are sooo sexy together wow great job!!

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  • From AloraCorwyn on November 10, 2009

    VegaKapera,

    First, I will say, that I found your passion-building scene impressive. I think you have some talent that, properly honed, could prove quite impressive (Basch's sucking of Balthier's finger I found particularly unique and interesting). I liked your dialogue too.

    Other than that, this piece is shaky at best. The most noticeable fault is the sudden switch from past to present tense near the end of the story, which is an excellent way to annoy and lose readers. Some of your paragraphs are poorly broken; in fanfiction particularly among literary forms, I find that short paragraphs are most appealing to readers. Shorter paragraphs are more concise and are less intimidating.

    I encourage you to write more and polish up your skills!

    Aerawyn

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