Adult-FanFiction.org : Final Fantasy

Reviews for True Love

By : RenobabyGirl

From ANON - MordorianNazgul on December 08, 2005
I'm seriously trying to work out if this thing is a troll or if it's for real.

If it's for real, I ditto everything that the other reviewers said. SPELL-CHECK SPELL-CHECK SPELL-CHECK. And don't automatically label the story as a Mary Sue; you bring out the Horde, and We aren't known for kindness. And, no more rape plots for you. I ban you from using rape in a story ever again.

In the off-chance that this is a troll, however, it's very convincing.
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From ANON - Nari on December 08, 2005
...Are you twelve years old? I would offer something constructive, but I honestly can't think of a single thing that would help this "story." You may find the flames you're getting to be amusing, but you should consider taking the advice offered seriously. I must say, I could write far better than this when I was ten years old, and that was without even trying hard. You may have missed this lesson in school, but there is such a phenomena as combining sentences. I know that may seem like a hard concept to grasp, but I can assure you that, with the help of a comma, you can pull it off.

I won't even bother to delve any further, as pretty much every other aspect of this abysmal failure has been noted. Although--and this must be stressed--I will reiterate the fact that your treatment of rape in this little fantasy of yours says a lot about who you are as a person...and it's not pretty. Given how common rape actually is, I have no doubt that some of the brave souls who have attempted to get through this trite piece of garbage have been victims of rape. The least you could do is have the compassion to treat the topic seriously. Unfortunately, I fear that to do so would require some measure of literary talent, which you are assuredly lacking.

I hope that one day (preferably soon) you will be able to admit to yourself that writing is not your talent and move on to something that you can excel at...like selling Avon. The ability to be a truly good author is something one is born with, and it is a gift that you do not possess.
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From ANON - an actual 23-year-old. on December 07, 2005
This isn't about the story, since everyone else said pretty much all I would have said. It's about something rather more fundamental. I just checked your profile and... look, honeychile, I'M a twenty-three year old woman. I highly doubt YOU are given the quality of your output and your obvious immaturity ('don't like don't read'? How in the Hell am I supposed to know if I'll like it before I've read it?). If you're any more than fourteen, I'll be amazed. Please, admit you're still in junior high and stop sullying the good name of twenty-three year olds everywhere.

... I really hope you're not twenty-three. I could have called this as abysmally written garbage when I was thirteen.

If you really are twenty-three, well... wow. What the Hell were you doing when you were in school? If you couldn't be bothered to pay attention back when you should have been picking up the essentials of written English, why are you now deluding yourself you can write? Take a few remedial English classes and grow the Hell up. If you're not, -why are you here-? There's a clue as to who should be visiting and posting to this site in its goddamned NAME. Come back when you hit eighteen. Take the time to learn to write. You'll be amazed what a difference it makes.

Oh - you do realize you've said your amazingly slutty Mary Sue has 'a body to kill'? Now there's a Freudian slip if ever I saw one. I'd certainly like to kill her - and so, going by these reviews, would pretty much everyone else who's had the misfortune to read this thing. Did you perhaps mean 'a body to kill for'? Have you ever heard of proof reading? I recommend trying it sometime. You'll be surprised what you find.
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From ANON - Deja Blue on November 29, 2005
Christa knocked herself in the washroom.

Like....knocked herself out? Or what?
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From ANON - KirbyFreakish on November 29, 2005
I read, no lie, about 2 sentences of this story and absolutely knew, RIGHT AWAY, that it s-u-c-k-s. I am SORRY you have to be such a bad writer. I KNOW I'm not a good writer, but damn girl, you NEED to just delete this story ASAP and free yourself. Oh em gee, I read all the reviews and the people who said this story is good are probably just losers like you who don't know how to write a fairly bad story. And yes, I AM saying this story is bad. I'm not going to apologize for being harsh because damn it bitch, I AM being harsh. You REALLY need to learn how to use commas and GROW UP! This is -A-ff for a reason, so the more mature lot of us can actually read interesting stories. And sugah, please tell me WHAT the hell you were thinking when you wrote a Mary-Sue? What was going through your head? Definitely not 'Everyone will love this piece of work' ohhhhh noooo dearie, everyone HATES this work >< I AM sorry to say this, but you disgust me. I seriously thought I was a bad writer, but damn girl, you just totally boosted my self-esteem. A WHOLE LOT. That, I have to thank you for.

Please delete this story. Thank You.
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From ANON - Mary Sue on November 29, 2005
YEEEAAAAH!!!!1eleven111111111 I shall leave u some WONDERIFFIC poetry someone sent me!!!!!!one112

"Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Your out-of-character fanfiction violently sucks
And so do you."

Q~ OB

THAT IS TEH COOLIES!!!!!!!111111111111 XDDDDDD

PAAAALEEEASE RITE MORE SOS I HAVE LOTS OF SMEXYNESS 2 MST!!!!!!1111111111 ZOMGLOLZ!!!!!!11111one :)
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From ANON - ShaolinZelda on November 28, 2005
I think it is time we had a mature conversation.

There are many things wrong with your story that I don't even know where to begin.
Lets start with teh characters.

Cloud and Reno are completely out of character to a point where they aren't even he same people I remember from the game. If you are going to change the characters personas, it is up to you, the author, to re-introduced them, redevelop their characters, and allow the reader to get to know the characters on a different level. I will take my story, Cherry Soda Boy, as an example- I admit, I changed the characters personas to fit in the "real" world, but I also re-introduced them. Like Cloud had his own first chapter to describe his situation, and then in later chapters, since he is teh narrator at most parts, he basically describes the new versions of some of the characters, Reno being the first to come to mind. So, if you are going to mold characters copy righted with their own personas already, it is up to you to basically introduced them to the readers so that they can develop a relationship.

Second thing involving characters, and the most important, character development. You did not bother to develop your characters- Cloud, Reno, or Christa. We don't know anything about Christa except she is aparently "Hot" and a "whore," and these strange people you call Cloud and Reno do not in any way appeal to the readers. They are just figments of your imagination, and just like an inside joke, no one else gets it. It was up to you to develop a character-audience relationship and you failed to do that, so whatever your characters do will not affect the reader on a emotional level.

This lack of development and remorse is why no one really cares for the rape scene. I had no distaste for Cloud, and no sympathy for Reno. However throughout my mind ran thoughts of "Wow, this is a horrible depication(spl) of rape." Now I have only read one other rape fic- and the name and author escapes me- but this talented writer made it a point to introduce the rapist- Reno in that fic- so the reader understood on a mature level why he did what he did to Cloud. It was because he father was so hard core, tried to mold Reno into this high class turk, and here cloud was screwing with him, and I think -from what I could remember- he also had this sexual fixation on Cloud. See, this author gave us a reason, and what he/she did that was amazing was she almost made us sympatize with the rapist and the victim so you were pulled in two conflicting directions. Thats what a real writer does, makes the reader feel. I will take my fix again- in It happened during training, I completely tried to advoid a "lemon" rape, and didn't go into much description on it because it is such a delicate subject and I don't want to offend anyone when writing it, so I use metaphors and imagery to convey the scene (maybe to much). You used non and you totally disregard it. You need literary elements to make a good peice of work, you only contain like Setting and thats pushing it.

And you also disregared the psychological affects of rape..that need a mature writer to bring out.

(OMG)

Mary Sues have no place in serious fiction because it always turns out to jsut be the author living out a fantasy of theirs, and that my friend is not real writing. You should leave your fantasies to yourself and come back when you are done being a little girl, and changed into a mature writer.

I also think you should sit down adn read your reveiws, you will see they're not all flames, some could really help you. Stop sitting their laughing at people constructively cirtizing your work, and start useing them to help you advance as a writer.
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From ANON - Kuhan on November 28, 2005
What the hell is this shit? I have never seen such a contrived plot in my life. There is no logic to your writing. No sort of character development. This is not a story; this is a 12 year old girl's fantasy as she rubs her fingers up and down her clitoris, and you just had the hubris of thinking that it would be a good read when written out.

Your story is not entertaining, nor is it even vaguely erotic. It takes alot more than saying "licks her pussy" in order to make a goddamn sexy story. Adding yourself into this whole thing just tops off this rediculous pageantry of a masturbation fantasy. The fact that you add in Reno and Cloud, and break their characters just to force them into this fantasy of them fighting over you, just confirms that.

And in conclusion, Mary Sue is never, ever, something to be proud about. Get your garbage off my intarweb.
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From ANON - Savagery on November 28, 2005
Might I point you all in the direction of a very cleansing work of fiction called "The Mary-Sue Death Machine" it greatly relieves the pain of reading one of these stories. I feel like a brand new woman in fact *Revs up chainsaw* Now could the author of this piece kindly post her home address? *bats eyes*
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From on November 28, 2005
*sighs and shrugs* Admittedly, I was in a shit mood the last time I left a review.

Anyway, consider this somewhat of an apology..what I said wasn't really necessary (even though I still stick by it - sorry.) What I mean to say is, I'm glad the flames make you laugh and if writing stories like this make you happy, more power to you, hon. I'd suggest, though, to write these stories and just keep them to yourself, read em whenever you want to. When all said and done, nobody wants to read a story about a (and pardon the unoriginal term) Mary Sue. If you'd just sit for a moment and put yourself in one of the readers' shoes, I think you'd understand. Would you enjoy reading a story about someone else's character being the absolute love/lust/whatever interest of two of fangirls' favourite guys? I definitely wouldn't...and judging by all your reviews, neither would anyone else.

Concerning the rape scene, I have to say that it kind of makes me a little sad inside. : The reason for that being: as one of the reviewers before me said, rape is a delicate subject and it should be laced into a story only with the utmost care and effort, and it should present a relatively realistic portrayal. The way you've dealt with rape would no doubt be downright disrespectful to anyone who has been unfortunate enough to experience it, because of the careless way you've written it in- as if it were just another tool to glorify your character. The way I see it, if you want to write on this subject, we should at least see that you put a good deal of effort into portraying the horrifying emotion behind these acts. If you really consider it seriously enough, regardless of your talent, you will overall get a better result.

And if you aren't willing to put that much effort into a fanfic (which is a valid feeling,) then leave the serious subjects like rape to those who are. Writing is an art, and you should aspire to create the most artistic and realistic portrayal of whatever you are writing about. I'll tell you that even excellent writers, in their best work, can only hope to convey one thousandth of the emotions that a rape victim feels.

You might want to consider a beta, though.

~squalmasy
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From ANON - quamp on November 28, 2005
I must say I'm very disappointed.
If you're going to do a trollfic, do it right! We need more bad grammar, more misspelled words, a flimsier plot and more things that would make you say "WTF!?"
As trollfics go, look up JHeman in the author's list. He does some of the best trollfics around.
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From ANON - LadyLizgon on November 28, 2005
So, it is pretty sure interesting to read it. I haven't read about it for a while ago. But I had to agreed with Mary Sue ranters. *glanced at MS haters* However, I'm not much of MS haters. I can see this story had to be your first, I'm always respect for the beginner.

I would like to help you with your story. If you need me, just yell my name. I will pop in without questioning it. FuryDragon2008. *tinhoohaytinh*

*glanced at crazed Mary Sue* I may have greatly dislike about Mary Sue. If you read Mary Sue's message, you can find it pretty scary and annoying if you ask me.

I'm not the one who's compaining about your spell check and writing chapters. Heck, I'm pretty huge fan of Reno. *grin*

*glanced at Mary Sue haters* I don't think your spirit can be tainted by their comment. I assumed you can keep going until your pratice can pull it off, If you're going to created another new story. You can do without put OC characters or a mary sue character in it. You can used many characters that from FF I don't care who.

*walk off to disappear* Oh, and this is not a flame as you think. *wink* *disappeared*
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From kryren on November 28, 2005
Everyone seems to be putting you through the ringer, and while I'm in agreement with them, I'll try to offer some helpful tips.

Mary-Sues are in general a no-no. Granted, most writers have written them, but not many will publish them as they are seen as private fantasies. In this case, it's like putting up a home made porn vid on the internet. It's just not tasteful.

Your spelling and grammar are in serious need of correction. Spell check is your friend, and if you're not all that great at grammar, then ask for someone to beta read it for you.

Rape... Rape is a sensitive subject to many, even those who frequent this site. Many, including myself, consider it to be one of the hardest things to write and it not turn out horrible. (I haven't even attempted to go there)

Alot of people are demanding your head on a platter for this, and while that is a bit harsh, their point is valid. I suggest you delet this story from AFF and come back later with a story that will make the readers love an adore you.
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From ANON - Anon on November 28, 2005
You're not intelligent enough to write anything. So stop.
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From on November 28, 2005
Wow, that was kind of enlightening...but in a bad sort of way. But you know it kind of gives me an idea. Anyhoot...

First of all why would Cloud rape Reno just to get Christa back? It doesn't make sense. And I know Cloud's a swordsman, a decent one at that, but Reno's a Turk, trained to defend himself. So I don't think he'd let Cloud do anything to him without some bodily injuries dealt. Ah well whatever, your story right?

I tend to agree with the Mary Sue ranters, but if done correctly, even a Mary Sue fic can be good. Could someone send me a link when they find one? But hey stick to your writing, you can only go up from here. Even I improved from my first story...and dear Lord was it terrible.
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