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Reviews for Making A Deal

By : XakaiXameX
  • From ANON - remuus on October 29, 2006
    It's good. I liked the theme.. but.. the language you used was very awkward >_
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  • From ANON - Raneynr Lerrqu on October 02, 2006
    This was amazing. I loved it!
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  • From ANON - Anon on September 29, 2006
    Lol. That was funny and oh so sexy. It was really good. Personally I despise one-shots because most of them have really good story lines to them but this one wrapped up nicely, good going! Of course, you could always make more one-shots with better sex scenes between them having another 'deal'. Lol. Imagine all the places in Garden they could sneak to...
    I dont have a name of this so I usually just leave my email - anime_obsessed_lover@hotmail.com
    ps. great read by the way!
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  • From ANON - Unknown on August 29, 2006
    Good
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  • From ANON - RentaiKitten on July 02, 2006
    Pretty good. Great sequel potential. Would like to see more.
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  • From ANON - Wren17 on June 29, 2006
    Okay, I generally give extra chances to stories involving Seifer and Squall. That is the reason I read through most of this chapter instead of clicking the back button by the time I reached the second, gigantic paragraph.

    For a first timer, you’ve done well. This isn’t a flame. I don’t flame writers. I want you to take this as the help it’s meant to be. I suppose I’m feeling nostalgic, hence the long ass review. I apologize if I’m totally overstepping the boundaries, not to mention taking up too much review space. Please excuse the cluster of sentences, I tried to conserve space for the large review.

    Firstly, the basic structure of a paragraph is doubly important when it’s a story posted on the internet. I’m sure you understand the basics behind each paragraph dealing with a new subject. In stories, the change can be less obvious. Sometimes, you just need to put a space simply for the reader’s sake. Your paragraphs are far too large. There is no separation in one glob of sentences when there should be about five.

    Secondly, the biggest mistake, and main reason for this review, is your dialogue. When a person speaks, it’s fine to have an entire paragraph surrounding their words, perhaps explaining the thoughts and feelings behind the words. However, each time a new person speaks, it MUST be a new paragraph. You CANNOT have Seifer and Zell saying something to each other in a classroom and put their dialogue within the SAME paragraph. If Seifer says something in response to someone else, it’s a new line for him. If Fujin chimes in to support her friend, she too get a new line. Don’t be afraid to hit that space bar on the keyboard.

    There are many grammatical errors, kind of beyond the line of simply not having a beta. I think it’s a word positioning that catches me off at times, like it might make sense in your head, but the reader needs to switch the order of words to make it clearer.

    There are also several instances of misused words.
    Exempli Gratia:
    ‘wavering in and out of people’ >> ‘weaving in and out of people

    ‘"Well hurry up and say what you wanted. You interrupted me." Squall said blatantly, and stared at him with cold eyes.’ >> ‘“Well hurry up and say what you wanted. You interrupted me,” Squall said bluntly, and stared at him with cold eyes.

    In the last example, note the punctuation change at the end of the sentence. Punctuation is inside the quote when it follows.
    He said, “It’s raining.”
    “It’s raining,” he said.
    He questioned, “Is it raining?”
    “Is it raining?” he questioned.

    You’ve mixed up several homonyms. You may consider rereading to catch those. You should also consider running the chapter through a spell check. There are a lot of misspelled words.

    Squall is a little out of character, though that is always the author’s prerogative. If it was unintentional, then allow me to point out what I mean on the chance that you’ll consider my words.

    I’m referring specifically to his view on the random people trying to greet him. The game does give a lot of insight to Squall’s character via the internal monologues he’s so famous for. His general lack of responding to other people isn’t because he views himself as superior. In fact, Squall never views himself as superior. As SeeD and Commander, Squall was always a bit insecure, never seeing his own potential or skills like everyone else did. Squall’s asocial behavior is pretty much attributed to his own insecurities and strong beliefs that he’s better off without anyone else. Arrogance is more Seifer’s department. But again, you wrote Seifer as the insecure one here, so perhaps you’ve decided to mesh their character qualities a bit and trade off here and there.

    Seifer is also a bit out of character. I don’t dislike the concept of Seifer striving to be like Squall. Generally, it’s portrayed that they both simply strive to outdo each other. The actual game storyline alludes to the idea that Seifer is actually a better cadet, his inability to follow orders being his downfall. Though, the game is never forthright with who is actually better. My issue is that he comes off as insecure when he’s trying to be like Squall, which Seifer never was in the game.

    AFF.net has a category for writers to visit if they’re just beginning. I’ve been writing for a few years now and still find myself referencing several posts in this area. It goes over a lot of redundant aspects that might make you think it’s too elementary for you, but if you take the time I guarantee you’ll learn a lot. It’s mainly for grammar, though there are some great tips for keeping your fiction original and unforgettable to readers.

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  • From ANON - venussnape on June 29, 2006
    yummy! This pairing is great.
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