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Reviews for Not like the other girls

By : vivarose
  • From RogueMudblood on October 06, 2012

    I know this is an older piece, but I'm going to recommend a read-through. In the first paragraph, you've got repetitive sentences, as well as comma splices and sentence fragments.

    To show you what I'm referring to:

    Rufus downed the drink he'd been nursing as the long guitar intro finished and the lights focused on the long narrow stage of the strip club. He gave the stageit an uninterested glance for half a second before ordering another drink. The dancers at the strip club were all the same,: uninteresting, strung-out-on-crackperpetually high and desperate for money. Which wasThus why he avoided coming in his medical scrubs,; if they knew he was a doctor, then he would never be able to enjoy a nice gin and tonic in peace.

    By taking out repeated phrases, you keep a reader's interest longer, allowing them to get past your introduction and into the heart of the story you're trying to tell. A read through would also help you to catch typos (gwacking) and missing pieces of the sentence (...to see a lean man with long silver, dressed in only a pair...).

    If you don't already have a beta (as I said, I know this piece is older), then I would suggest obtaining one, as they can help you to tweak your story and omit these errors in the posted product. You can peruse the forum here for those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    I would also recommend altering the lyrics of the song you're using for accent purposes. Since this is a relationship between two men, it's off-putting to see "she" so often in the lyrics you'r using to symbolize your story. (You might consider changing the title to reflect that as well.)


    To the content itself: that was a very poignant story. I would have liked to have seen more detail with the relationships in Yazoo's life, but I do understand that you wanted to keep this piece short. I like the way you convey Yazoo's emotions, and how you transition from Rufus being the centerpiece to Yazoo.

    Should you ever choose to revisit this piece, I should like to read an expanded version. There's a lot of potential for a long story with this little ficlet.

    Happy writing!
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