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Reviews for Memories Are Nice

By : articcat621
  • From RogueMudblood on May 18, 2013

    I think you have some interesting ideas here, and certainly an interesting perspective on Auron's relationship with Rikku. There are some things I do think you might want to take into consideration, though, in order to better develop your tale.

    First, a new speaker in dialogue should always start a new paragraph. It helps your reader to better understand the conversation. For example, your paragraph

    "Peeking are we? That's not very nice Rikku." He teased her. Rikku whipped around, her little cheeks red from being caught. "Shhh, I don't want him to hear." Rikku grabbed Tidus' hand and pulled him away. As soon as they were out of hearing, she turned on him, "What's the matter with you! He could have seen us!" Tidus' jaw dropped. "Seriously, Rikku, what's the matter with you! He's so old." She punched him in the arm, "Don't say that! I can do whatever I please. Back off." "Rikku, what would your father say. Never mind that, he's old enough to be your father." "Tidus, you just don't understand. Please just leave me alone."

    would more properly appear as

    "Peeking are we? That's not very nice Rikku." He teased her.

    Rikku whipped around, her little cheeks red from being caught. "Shhh, I don't want him to hear." Rikku grabbed Tidus' hand and pulled him away. As soon as they were out of hearing, she turned on him, "What's the matter with you! He could have seen us!"

    Tidus' jaw dropped. "Seriously, Rikku, what's the matter with you! He's so old."

    She punched him in the arm, "Don't say that! I can do whatever I please. Back off."

    "Rikku, what would your father say. Never mind that, he's old enough to be your father."

    "Tidus, you just don't understand. Please just leave me alone."

    Also, you'll want to choose a tense to write in and stick with it. Flip-flopping makes the story hard to follow.

    Giving your story a read-through before posting will also help you catch things liked "fasted" when you meant fastened (chapter two). Having a beta can also help with errors like those, as well as giving you pointers regarding your punctuation (I didn't fix any of that in the above paragraph, but it could use some tweaking). They can also assist with homonyms errors (their versus there) to strengthen your writing.

    I would encourage you to be sure you spell the names of fandom specific locations and characters correctly. Guadosalam, not "Guadosalem", Fayth, not "faith".

    You'll also want to note when you directly cite the FFX script. Though you do change things around a bit, some of your dialogue is taken directly from the game itself.

    I admit to being curious as to the glowing in Macalania, and how that could affect their journey, but you seem to have dropped that thread while continuing to weave your tale.

    Should you choose to come back to this piece, I would be curious to see how you intend to develop the relationship.

    Thank you for sharing, and happy writing!
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