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Reviews for High School High

By : sm0kr420
  • From RJaneyP on March 31, 2008
    Damn I hate English Nazi's they like the one above, please don't let that person discourage you from writing. Such wordy Critics seem to get their lurid jollies off, being as critical as posssible. Don't let them intimidate you, finish your story I want to know how it ends! G
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  • From RJaneyP on March 31, 2008
    Like your story a lot, its sexy and sweet... and most of all it has a very hot classie Sephiroth it it and a luscious Cloud. Please write more soon, you don't waste one words, all is necessary! G
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  • From sephcounttheways on March 07, 2008
    This is actually a really cute little story so far! It has good potential.

    Two things, though.

    1- Is English your first language? I ask this out of respect because I'm about to offer you some constructive criticism, and I don't want to seem like an nazi if you're new to the language. Assuming that you're fluent, I'll continue.

    2- I would suggest reading what you write out loud to yourself. The dialogue in particular is very weak, as in, people don't talk that way, and it comes off awkward to read. It seems to me that you're writing down what you're thinking, but not going back to reread and edit. To us readers, it sounds on our heads like a bad Speed Racer dub, they seem to be talking very very fast with no pauses or emotion. The simplest way to fix this would be with the use of punctuation. Another, would be to cut down on the amount of words in your dialogue. Not every little thing needs to be spelled out. It would also help curb the "Speed Racer" syndrome.

    Example:

    In chapter four, Cloud says, "I have a better idea why don’t you answer the phone I will go in and talk to my mom why don’t you just come on in when you are done talking with whom ever and then we can continue this, what do you say?"

    That's a big ole mouthful for Cloud, and not of Sephiroth. He's a little nervous, a little shy, and really horny. Words might be breathless and scarce. So maybe he would say something more like :

    "Better idea.. answer the phone, and I'll go in and talk to my mom. When you're done talking to whoever, come on in and we'll.. continue this?"

    Now we're left with another problem. Why would he mention his mother during a heated, seductive sort of moment? Kinda wierd. Lets edit again.

    "Better idea.. answer the phone, and I'll go inside. When you're done talking to whoever, come on in and we'll.. continue this..?"

    Getting better, but that's still a big chuck of wordage with no action. One more edit.

    "Better idea," Cloud breathed, "..answer the phone, and I'll go inside. When you're done talking to whoever, come on in and we'll.. continue this..?"


    Can you feel the difference? Another example:


    In chapter 5 Sephiroth says, "Sorry it was just Rude we had plans to get drunk tonight but I explained to him I had something extremely more important come up that is if you haven’t changed your mind?”

    "extremely more important"? That doesn't read well, coupled with the fact that this is a lot of unpunctuated dialogue. Let's punctuate, and get kick out some of those unneeded words:

    "Sorry, Rude called. We had plans to drink tonight, but I explained to him that I had something more.. interesting come up. That is, if you haven't changed your mind?"

    Good edit! It allows Sephiroth to be a little flirtacious within his speech, and the only real difference was the punctuation. Punctuate, Punctuate! Maybe add an action in the middle of the sentence to spice it up:

    "Sorry, Rude called. We had plans to drink tonight, but.." Sephiroth took slow, long legged steps in Cloud's direction, "..I explained to him that I had something more.. interesting come up. That is, if you haven't changed your mind?"

    Now, we get the feeling that he's a cock hungry manwhore! See? Just edit yourself, read your dialogue out loud, maybe invest in finding a beta who can give you some tough love.

    But hey, go you! The story is cute as hell, the narrative has some good points, and its set in a normal AU (of which I love). I'll keep reading fo sho!


    P.S. I have to correct this. In chapter 5 you referred to Sephiroth's 'menstruations', when I believe you meant his 'ministrations'. Menstruation is when a woman's vagina bleeds once a month. Ministration is recieving some hot Sephiroth attention. Please! Fix this! My imagination stumbled, fell, and started to cry.

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