rate_review Reviews

Good idea, but you need to be more descriptive, and if you're translating this, you need to get your tenses straight. don't repeat so much. Say something once, maybe twice on occasion. don't say anything three times unless it's an extremely long work and they're spread out. All present tense don't use 's' at the end. sometimes they use 'ing' or 'is ______' or 'are _____'. (btw, describe your characters before you start ripping things off: it just helps)

Again, you have a really good idea. I can see the actions; just not understand them immediately. When you write anything, assume that they're a dumb-shit, and make them understand what's happening. Use adjectives to describe nouns (if they need describing), and use commas to separate the parts of a thought.
such as:
"As the horrible secret took hold, i felt a cold feeling rise up my spine."

Ah, I had not realized you had written this story until I clicked on your profile from my story that you reviewed. Yes, I love this; it's so deliciously disgusting. I love tent! I would be honored to read the last chapter. It's going to be a yuri scene between Yuffie and Ako, right?