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January 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I'm sorry that the review was so long. I didn't think it would be. Hahaha.
Since there was some confusion about the points that you just made (Rufus bitching and Rufus smoking), I suggest a quick sentence with your explanation somewhere in the fic.
Yes, that's mostly why I decided that god should be capitilized, because you usually capitilized him. It? Whatever. I'm atheist as well. But its also grammatically correct now that if you're referring to God the "being" that it should be capitilized while if you're referring to a god, that god should not be. Religios influence made the English language go ballistic.
Yes.... Hojo does say that. I tried to find some decent hojo screenshots so that they could explain a bit more of what Hojo said, but there was only one screenshot that I found of Hojo on the Sister Ray. Goddamn fanart. There is a youtube video of it however. I bet you could find a lot of information of FFVII from youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evU2m71ZvN4 <-- Hojo on Sister Ray. It takes a while to get to him though. The battle is useless, but it does have where Hojo says that Sephiroth is his son.
Did I hear next few chapters? Excellent. I am looking forward to every single one.
Since there was some confusion about the points that you just made (Rufus bitching and Rufus smoking), I suggest a quick sentence with your explanation somewhere in the fic.
Yes, that's mostly why I decided that god should be capitilized, because you usually capitilized him. It? Whatever. I'm atheist as well. But its also grammatically correct now that if you're referring to God the "being" that it should be capitilized while if you're referring to a god, that god should not be. Religios influence made the English language go ballistic.
Yes.... Hojo does say that. I tried to find some decent hojo screenshots so that they could explain a bit more of what Hojo said, but there was only one screenshot that I found of Hojo on the Sister Ray. Goddamn fanart. There is a youtube video of it however. I bet you could find a lot of information of FFVII from youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evU2m71ZvN4 <-- Hojo on Sister Ray. It takes a while to get to him though. The battle is useless, but it does have where Hojo says that Sephiroth is his son.
Did I hear next few chapters? Excellent. I am looking forward to every single one.
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January 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
wow.... that's one hell of a review, avinacode. I feel like it needs its own review. A review of a review???? Anyway, first of all thanks for noticing all the errors and typos and repeats that seem to be inevitable in a long story. Dryly mused... I had a gut feeling I was using that a lot, but I like it so much that I ignored the problem.
I don't capitalize 'god', even though it's probably grammatically incorrect. It's because I'm a complete atheist and rather disgusted by religious ignorance. I'm probably contradicting myself though... because I'm sure I capitalized it a few times here and there. Oh well.
When Rufus is bitching to Reno about not smoking for a few days, I actually was referring to the days he spent in the hospital.
About Rufus getting fired because he's gay... I just figured that the homophobic president would react more severely in regards to his own son. Firing Rufus was the only way he could express his disappointment and disgust. Also, Rufus isn't permanently fired. You'll see in the next few chapters.
And I found an interesting fact about ffvii as well... right before the battle with Hojo in the game, Hojo blatantly admits that he's Sephiroth's father, but that Sephiroth doesn't know yet. Of course Hojo never gets a chance to tell him because the battle ensues right afterward. I completely forgot about that fact, and almost screwed up my plot because of it.
So thanks again for the review. I'll get to work on fixing all those typos now...
I don't capitalize 'god', even though it's probably grammatically incorrect. It's because I'm a complete atheist and rather disgusted by religious ignorance. I'm probably contradicting myself though... because I'm sure I capitalized it a few times here and there. Oh well.
When Rufus is bitching to Reno about not smoking for a few days, I actually was referring to the days he spent in the hospital.
About Rufus getting fired because he's gay... I just figured that the homophobic president would react more severely in regards to his own son. Firing Rufus was the only way he could express his disappointment and disgust. Also, Rufus isn't permanently fired. You'll see in the next few chapters.
And I found an interesting fact about ffvii as well... right before the battle with Hojo in the game, Hojo blatantly admits that he's Sephiroth's father, but that Sephiroth doesn't know yet. Of course Hojo never gets a chance to tell him because the battle ensues right afterward. I completely forgot about that fact, and almost screwed up my plot because of it.
So thanks again for the review. I'll get to work on fixing all those typos now...
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January 18, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Couple things I noticed while combing over the past 5 chapters.
Chapter 13.
“Rufus, I know you… uh… care for Sephiroth," he continued, "And I know you’re probably worried shitless about him, but I have to follow orders.
You don't need to captilize the "A" in "And."
The next paragraph.
“Try to understand?!” Rufus spat.
The question mark makes me think he's asking a question, but he's not. It's just a little bit misleading.
Concerning the elixir.
The liquid was thick and tasted like something drug up from the bowels of a toxic waste dump,
Perhaps you mean dug up, not drug up?
He was floating in an iridescent, aquamarine liquid that Hojo smugly described as “Mako-infused solution,” which cast an alien, green hue on his pale skin, and a ridiculous amount of tubes and wires were hooked up to his naked body, so many that Rufus cringed to imagine the crazy concoction of drugs Hojo was pumping into him.
Run-on sentence.
“Why is Hojo doing this to you?” he whispered, more to himself than anything.
Himself is a person, therefor, "anything" should be "anyone" or "anyone else" because you want to keep the same... voice? I forgot the term for it, but if you're going to talk about a person, you want to continue to talk about people. Not random objects.
He suddenly felt a primal, childish urge to hold Tseng’s hand, as if the Turk could make it all better somehow, but grimly knew that no one – not even god – could help him now. He was fucked.
"god" should be capitilized.
Once outside the office they lowered Rufus to floor, propping him into a sitting position against the wall. “Go grab some water and a few towels,” Tseng said to Reno. “I don’t want too many heads to turn when we escort him out of here…”
The redhead complied with surprising obedience, quickly disappearing around the hallway corner. Probably jut eager to get away from Rufus for a few minutes… Tseng grimly concluded.
Probably just eager probably, not jut?
Chapter 14
“If your goal wasn’t to completely ruin my life, what is it?
What was it, not what is it. You need to keep the same time frame throughout the sentence. Past and past. Not past and present.
“What did you tell him?!” the President growled, cutting him off for a second time.
“ Nothing!” Hojo said
You have a space between the quotation marks and "Nothing."
**************
General comments.
Chapter 13
When we first see Tseng, he appears worried. The rest of the time, he seems to have a cold, nuetral expression. Rather an oxymoron. Afterward, in Hojo's lab, again Tseng is emotional. This time, angry.
The first paragraph uses SIX dashes. Now, I'm all for dashes; they make sentence structure more diverse. But not six in a paragraph with no semicolons or colons. In fact, if you read over the entire story, dashes are used a lot more than one would find the average book. Nothing wrong with them by any means, but semicolons and colons are the primary way of varying sentence structure.
The words "dryly mused" appear too often. All of the characters don't think. They all "dryly muse." A bit repetitive.
Chapter 14
“Why the hell did he fire you?” the Turk asked in a voice far from nonchalant.
Rufus laughed mirthlessly again. “Because I’m gay,” he stated with a smirk. “He fired me simply because I’m gay.”
If that was the case, Reno would have been fired a long time ago when he raped the President's secretary...
“God, I haven’t had a smoke in days…” Rufus mumbled, more to himself than anything.
The days are the ones that Rufus was sleeping in a hospital? Because he had a smoke with Sephiroth right before he was knocked out with a crowbar. I doubt the days that you mean are the two days he slept in the hospital.
“Hold it right there,” Tseng said, loud enough to cut through Sephiroth’s stream of curses. He cocked his gun and pointed it in the General’s direction. “Sephiroth, get off Hojo before we have to use force. Just let him go.”
I'm sorry, but "Hold it right there" just seems too cheesy.
There was certainly nothing funny about the splattered remains of the scientist he had somehow decimated
Decimation is mass killing. Literally, it means killing one tenth of a population, but the word has been used incorrectly so often, it is just used as a synonym for killing. Mass killings to be specific.
Chapter 15.
“Right,” Rufus mused. “Because if I had proof, it would most certainly prove you innocent?”
I'm a bit confused on what Rufus is trying to say here. Or ask?
****************
General comments that are NOT critique.
Chapter 13.
The elixir almost felt euphoric. Simple words slightly modifying one emotion to make me feel exactly how Rufus is feeling. Excellent.
Chapter 14.
The tank made an appearance once more! Excellent use of forshadowing in the previous chapter (chapter 10 I believe it was when Sephiroth took his dose of morphine, and was looking at the tank?)
Also, I liked Tseng's thoughts. Mostly how he thought that the President stomping on Rufus was a nice touch.
“Are you kidding? Fresh air??? What Sephiroth needs is a fucking lobotomy!” Just a great line.
It crept downward like a slug with a cramp. Another great line.
A strange mental image of Sephiroth fucking a dead animal flew into Reno’s brain and fluttered around before he forced it out. And this line made me laugh. It was in the right place, at the right time, and had the perfect words to describe it.
I dug up some more info on Rufus for you.
"It is that kind of dullness that makes you a second-rate scientist." -Rufus, speaking to Hojo
It's just a quote I found. Rufus things Hojo is dull? And second-rate? Though admittedly, compared to Gast, Hojo is considered nothing. Gast it the one who founded the Jenova project afterall. Hojo was originally supposed to be his lab assistant, with Lucrecia. That particular history can be found on wikipedia.
Are you going to be joining the forum? If you are, I may join as well in order to speak with you more frequently.
Chapter 13.
“Rufus, I know you… uh… care for Sephiroth," he continued, "And I know you’re probably worried shitless about him, but I have to follow orders.
You don't need to captilize the "A" in "And."
The next paragraph.
“Try to understand?!” Rufus spat.
The question mark makes me think he's asking a question, but he's not. It's just a little bit misleading.
Concerning the elixir.
The liquid was thick and tasted like something drug up from the bowels of a toxic waste dump,
Perhaps you mean dug up, not drug up?
He was floating in an iridescent, aquamarine liquid that Hojo smugly described as “Mako-infused solution,” which cast an alien, green hue on his pale skin, and a ridiculous amount of tubes and wires were hooked up to his naked body, so many that Rufus cringed to imagine the crazy concoction of drugs Hojo was pumping into him.
Run-on sentence.
“Why is Hojo doing this to you?” he whispered, more to himself than anything.
Himself is a person, therefor, "anything" should be "anyone" or "anyone else" because you want to keep the same... voice? I forgot the term for it, but if you're going to talk about a person, you want to continue to talk about people. Not random objects.
He suddenly felt a primal, childish urge to hold Tseng’s hand, as if the Turk could make it all better somehow, but grimly knew that no one – not even god – could help him now. He was fucked.
"god" should be capitilized.
Once outside the office they lowered Rufus to floor, propping him into a sitting position against the wall. “Go grab some water and a few towels,” Tseng said to Reno. “I don’t want too many heads to turn when we escort him out of here…”
The redhead complied with surprising obedience, quickly disappearing around the hallway corner. Probably jut eager to get away from Rufus for a few minutes… Tseng grimly concluded.
Probably just eager probably, not jut?
Chapter 14
“If your goal wasn’t to completely ruin my life, what is it?
What was it, not what is it. You need to keep the same time frame throughout the sentence. Past and past. Not past and present.
“What did you tell him?!” the President growled, cutting him off for a second time.
“ Nothing!” Hojo said
You have a space between the quotation marks and "Nothing."
**************
General comments.
Chapter 13
When we first see Tseng, he appears worried. The rest of the time, he seems to have a cold, nuetral expression. Rather an oxymoron. Afterward, in Hojo's lab, again Tseng is emotional. This time, angry.
The first paragraph uses SIX dashes. Now, I'm all for dashes; they make sentence structure more diverse. But not six in a paragraph with no semicolons or colons. In fact, if you read over the entire story, dashes are used a lot more than one would find the average book. Nothing wrong with them by any means, but semicolons and colons are the primary way of varying sentence structure.
The words "dryly mused" appear too often. All of the characters don't think. They all "dryly muse." A bit repetitive.
Chapter 14
“Why the hell did he fire you?” the Turk asked in a voice far from nonchalant.
Rufus laughed mirthlessly again. “Because I’m gay,” he stated with a smirk. “He fired me simply because I’m gay.”
If that was the case, Reno would have been fired a long time ago when he raped the President's secretary...
“God, I haven’t had a smoke in days…” Rufus mumbled, more to himself than anything.
The days are the ones that Rufus was sleeping in a hospital? Because he had a smoke with Sephiroth right before he was knocked out with a crowbar. I doubt the days that you mean are the two days he slept in the hospital.
“Hold it right there,” Tseng said, loud enough to cut through Sephiroth’s stream of curses. He cocked his gun and pointed it in the General’s direction. “Sephiroth, get off Hojo before we have to use force. Just let him go.”
I'm sorry, but "Hold it right there" just seems too cheesy.
There was certainly nothing funny about the splattered remains of the scientist he had somehow decimated
Decimation is mass killing. Literally, it means killing one tenth of a population, but the word has been used incorrectly so often, it is just used as a synonym for killing. Mass killings to be specific.
Chapter 15.
“Right,” Rufus mused. “Because if I had proof, it would most certainly prove you innocent?”
I'm a bit confused on what Rufus is trying to say here. Or ask?
****************
General comments that are NOT critique.
Chapter 13.
The elixir almost felt euphoric. Simple words slightly modifying one emotion to make me feel exactly how Rufus is feeling. Excellent.
Chapter 14.
The tank made an appearance once more! Excellent use of forshadowing in the previous chapter (chapter 10 I believe it was when Sephiroth took his dose of morphine, and was looking at the tank?)
Also, I liked Tseng's thoughts. Mostly how he thought that the President stomping on Rufus was a nice touch.
“Are you kidding? Fresh air??? What Sephiroth needs is a fucking lobotomy!” Just a great line.
It crept downward like a slug with a cramp. Another great line.
A strange mental image of Sephiroth fucking a dead animal flew into Reno’s brain and fluttered around before he forced it out. And this line made me laugh. It was in the right place, at the right time, and had the perfect words to describe it.
I dug up some more info on Rufus for you.
"It is that kind of dullness that makes you a second-rate scientist." -Rufus, speaking to Hojo
It's just a quote I found. Rufus things Hojo is dull? And second-rate? Though admittedly, compared to Gast, Hojo is considered nothing. Gast it the one who founded the Jenova project afterall. Hojo was originally supposed to be his lab assistant, with Lucrecia. That particular history can be found on wikipedia.
Are you going to be joining the forum? If you are, I may join as well in order to speak with you more frequently.
schedule
January 15, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oh no, Hojo is gonna send Sephiroth to Nibleheim! We all know what that leads too :(
Anyways, great chapter, I REALLY can't wait till the next with the nuclear meltdown of sex!!
Anyways, great chapter, I REALLY can't wait till the next with the nuclear meltdown of sex!!
schedule
January 15, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I will only forgive you if it is an absolute bloody Ragnarok of sex with the Thor of Sex beating me in the face with his mighty hammer of Yaoi-manman-sex
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January 12, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Thank you for reviewing my request for an odd pairing. Nero is one of the villains in FFVII Dirge of Cerberus, on of the Elite (Tsviets) of an underground organization called Deepground. He Looks exactly like Vincent, and I just haven't seen the pairing around. Then again, nothing in Dirge of Cerberus said that Sephiroth knew what Deepground was, since only... 5? people knew of its existance, and Sephiroth was not on the list. That never stops fanfiction though, does it?
The answer to your question, "I've heard that no one's ever seen him bleed or cry." -Aeris, a rumor she'd heard about Rufus. I'm assuming she's talking to Cloud.
EXCELLENT chapters. "High as a kite" had instantly became my favorite line. I love the use of the word "roadkill" to describe one of the scientists. The scene had such vivid, eerie imagery. However, one thing I noticed instantly is the use of Wikipedia. This makes one realize they are no longer inside of the story, but reading a story. It makes a reference there is a real-life world out there, and we are reading, not living the story you create. I suggest instead of writing Wikipedia there, writing the definition is from "Midgar Encyclopedia vol. 5" or something of the sort. Then one can continue living in the world of FFVII without the reality break.
The endnotes can include that the definition is from Wikipedia, if you like.
I'll critique a bit more later. I haven't been able to find much time to read as in depth as I usually do, but I will try to find some time this week to thoroughly scan through "At least he's hot" and write a more detailed review.
Thanks!
The answer to your question, "I've heard that no one's ever seen him bleed or cry." -Aeris, a rumor she'd heard about Rufus. I'm assuming she's talking to Cloud.
EXCELLENT chapters. "High as a kite" had instantly became my favorite line. I love the use of the word "roadkill" to describe one of the scientists. The scene had such vivid, eerie imagery. However, one thing I noticed instantly is the use of Wikipedia. This makes one realize they are no longer inside of the story, but reading a story. It makes a reference there is a real-life world out there, and we are reading, not living the story you create. I suggest instead of writing Wikipedia there, writing the definition is from "Midgar Encyclopedia vol. 5" or something of the sort. Then one can continue living in the world of FFVII without the reality break.
The endnotes can include that the definition is from Wikipedia, if you like.
I'll critique a bit more later. I haven't been able to find much time to read as in depth as I usually do, but I will try to find some time this week to thoroughly scan through "At least he's hot" and write a more detailed review.
Thanks!
schedule
January 11, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oooh, a new chapter :D
I'm curious to know why Seph is going to disappear for so long, but meh. More Reno and Rufus XD Looks almost like they might have a *real* relationship finally going to start, hmmm... Can't wait for another update ^^
I'm curious to know why Seph is going to disappear for so long, but meh. More Reno and Rufus XD Looks almost like they might have a *real* relationship finally going to start, hmmm... Can't wait for another update ^^
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January 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Thank you so much for the new chapter. It was most excellent, just like I had expected it to be. The end was a little vague though. did it leave off right before Sephiroth murdered everybody in the base?
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January 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
lalalalala~~~
yeeee! :D blood && gore, my favorite
^.^
good job! o^_~b
♥ Camui
yeeee! :D blood && gore, my favorite
^.^
good job! o^_~b
♥ Camui
schedule
January 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
oh man, such a cliffy at the end! Can't wait till the next chapter!!