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February 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
All in all, pretty interesting. The OOC is artist's liscence, so I'm not going to say anything about that. Many grammer and spelling mistakes, you mentioned that in the beginning of the last chapter, so I hope they will be fixed up and reposted.
Plotline could also be smoothed over, it's a bit choppy.
Transitions in chapters should be smoother, and the dream had nothing to do with any of the story. Dreams usually forshadow, and what did Sephiroth say that made everyone hate him? That was completely forgotten apparantly. That chapter just didn't make any sense. Also, Vincent was running at the end, from being shot. Again, why? By whom? You need to put these things in there. Or just say the neighborhood was high-crime, or mafia-ridden or something, and keep saying it so the audience would not forget.
Try to put in some more details, and descriptions, and nice, long paragraphs. So it would read like a novel, instead of just a short little story. And the descriptions are needed because some charachters are not known to everyone who reads the story. Another thing could be to get rid of the parenthesis and have everything in parenthesis, like introductions, hidden in the story, or in an introductory paragraph, like
"Ten years later, Vincent and his wife sat on a beach watching their children play... ect. "
It loooks better and has better flow.
You can disregard all my comments if you wish, they are just comments to help in case you wanted to improve your story.
Nice pairing, nice storyline.
Plotline could also be smoothed over, it's a bit choppy.
Transitions in chapters should be smoother, and the dream had nothing to do with any of the story. Dreams usually forshadow, and what did Sephiroth say that made everyone hate him? That was completely forgotten apparantly. That chapter just didn't make any sense. Also, Vincent was running at the end, from being shot. Again, why? By whom? You need to put these things in there. Or just say the neighborhood was high-crime, or mafia-ridden or something, and keep saying it so the audience would not forget.
Try to put in some more details, and descriptions, and nice, long paragraphs. So it would read like a novel, instead of just a short little story. And the descriptions are needed because some charachters are not known to everyone who reads the story. Another thing could be to get rid of the parenthesis and have everything in parenthesis, like introductions, hidden in the story, or in an introductory paragraph, like
"Ten years later, Vincent and his wife sat on a beach watching their children play... ect. "
It loooks better and has better flow.
You can disregard all my comments if you wish, they are just comments to help in case you wanted to improve your story.
Nice pairing, nice storyline.
schedule
January 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Nice Sephy having Sweet Dreams ;)
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January 7, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Awww poor Sheena...but I assume that was necessary for hot yaoi VinxSephy to continue xD, update soon!!^^
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December 22, 2006 at 12:00 AM
nice! continue it soon ^^
schedule
November 27, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Awww!!! This is such a cute little story!!! I am soo glad I read it - made me smile! Please, update soon!!! ^__________^
~Gray Wings
~Gray Wings