schedule
April 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I likes, keep it up
schedule
April 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Nice! You made it all seem very plausible. A good first line hook. I liked the way you framed the past with the scene from the present.
A few places seemed a little rushed but that may be because I have a headache that is making my stomach turn. And yet I'm still sitting at the computer.
But this paragraph comes to mind:
‘Though Cloud had initially thought sex was the worst thing imaginable, it became something he looked forward to and craved. Sex eventually became pleasurable for both parties when Cloud finally realized he did have some control over the situation. Sephiroth had never meant to take him so brutally, it’s just the man hadn’t known any other way. In the rare instances Cloud had later managed to get Sephiroth to really talk, Cloud had found out that his first time was actually their first time. With experience and time, Cloud found that the almighty General could be subtly playful, while Sephiroth found out that Cloud could be exceptionally coy.’
There’s a lot of information there. Maybe either tighten it up or draw it out. I’d like to know what could cause the great Sephiroth to admit not knowing.
Another thing I wanted to point out is use of pronouns. This appears to be written in third person limited POV. So would Cloud really think of himself as ‘the boy…’ or ‘the teenager…’?
All in all I really like this piece. It’s a 5 rater. I hope you don’t mind CC. :-)
A few places seemed a little rushed but that may be because I have a headache that is making my stomach turn. And yet I'm still sitting at the computer.
But this paragraph comes to mind:
‘Though Cloud had initially thought sex was the worst thing imaginable, it became something he looked forward to and craved. Sex eventually became pleasurable for both parties when Cloud finally realized he did have some control over the situation. Sephiroth had never meant to take him so brutally, it’s just the man hadn’t known any other way. In the rare instances Cloud had later managed to get Sephiroth to really talk, Cloud had found out that his first time was actually their first time. With experience and time, Cloud found that the almighty General could be subtly playful, while Sephiroth found out that Cloud could be exceptionally coy.’
There’s a lot of information there. Maybe either tighten it up or draw it out. I’d like to know what could cause the great Sephiroth to admit not knowing.
Another thing I wanted to point out is use of pronouns. This appears to be written in third person limited POV. So would Cloud really think of himself as ‘the boy…’ or ‘the teenager…’?
All in all I really like this piece. It’s a 5 rater. I hope you don’t mind CC. :-)