The hazards of exploding pumpkins

"The hazards of exploding pumpkins"
Part 1
A Final Fantasy 7 Halloween fanfic
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*Disclaimer: Final Fantasy and all related characters belong to Square-Enix. This fiction piece is strictly a non-profit exercise of creativity and entertainment for people (like me) who can’t get enough of this world and the characters.*
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"I can't believe I'm here."

Zack looked sidelong at his companion questioningly. "Why not? You've got as much right to come to the company Halloween party as anyone else, Chocobo."

Cloud gave him a sour look and made a sweeping gesture at his own costume. "No, I mean I can't believe I'm here wearing this. I don't even know how you talked me into it."

The outfit in question made Cloud fit the nickname Zack had bestowed upon him even better than usual. He wore his blue cadet uniform but attached to the backside of the belt around his waist was a plume that looked like a chocobo's tail feathers. He had a harness on over his sweater that connected to a pair of fluffy yellow cherub-like wings in the back and a matching plume of feathers crowned his head via a band. He had a pair of novelty slippers on his feet that resembled bird claws. He'd lifted the beak mask off of his nose and mouth and propped it on his forehead like a pair of sunglasses.

Zack chuckled. "Don't be that way, Cloud. It's cute on you! Besides-" he pointed at the fluffy brown ears crowning his head, "-I'm wearing a costume, too."

To honor his deceased mentor's memory, Zack had chosen to dress up like a wolf. Angeal had always compared him to an eager puppy and now he wore a faux-fur wolf's tail, a pair of ears and plushy paw slippers. He'd drawn on his face to black out the tip of his nose to resemble a dog's nose, too. To complete the image, he'd bought a spiked dog collar and now wore it around his neck, complete with a fake license.

Cloud looked him up and down and shrugged grudgingly. "I guess it could be worse. Where is the General?" He looked around the ballroom, searching for a familiar head of gorgeous silver hair.

"No idea," Zack confessed. He grabbed a couple of fluted champagne glasses from a passing waiter's tray and handed one to Cloud. Leaning closer to the blond, he muttered: "And call him Sephiroth, for crying out loud! You're off duty and you're sleeping with the guy so I don't think he'd mind."

Cloud lowered his eyes modestly and took a drink from his champagne. "Yuck," he said with a grimace after swallowing.

He looked around and spotted the bar. He went over to it and set the glass down on top of it. Zack followed and decided to do the same after taking a swallow of the drink himself.

"Hey bartender, can we get a couple of beers?" Zack inquired. To Cloud, he murmured, "I think rich people are the only ones that like this shit." He pointed meaningfully at the rejected champagne glasses.

"Maybe," answered Cloud. "Or maybe we just don't have any class."

The bartender passed a couple of bottles of beer to them and Zack took his and saluted the man before taking a swig. He winked at Cloud when he lowered the bottle again. "We've got plenty of class. We're just not uptight."

"There aren't many other people in costume," Cloud observed. A faint blush of embarrassment colored his cheeks as Soldier operatives, company executives and Turk agents looked at him and Zack as they passed by. Most of them dressed formally for the occasion and some wore masquerade masks but very few were in full costume for the occasion.

"They're missing out on the fun," Zack insisted.

"Do you think the Gen....er...Sephiroth will even show up?"

Zack smirked knowingly at his younger boyfriend; amused by the eagerness Cloud was trying to hide. Sephiroth had been away on a mission during the week and neither of them had gotten a chance to see him since he got back yesterday. He could empathize with Cloud's impatience. He'd missed having their silver stallion in his bed, too.

"He'll show up," Zack assured him. "He might not want to, but he's got to make an appearance for a little while, at least. That's the burden of being an icon and role model, for you." He sighed. "Too bad I couldn't convince him to dress up. I tried to talk him into wearing a cat costume but I'm not as convincing over the phone as I am in person, you know?"

Cloud looked at him with wide blue eyes. "A...cat costume?"

"Well yeah," Zack answered with a grin. "You've got to admit, with his eyes it would be perfect. We'd make a slammin' trio at this party, don't you think?"

"I think you're crazy," Cloud said without apology, before taking a few hefty swallows of his beer. The music started up and the techno-pop beat drowned out what he said after that.

Zack chuckled and reached out to ruffle Cloud's soft, golden spikes. "Who's crazier; the crazy guy or the dude that fucks him?"

Cloud choked on his next drink of beer and he shot an alarmed look around to be sure nobody heard Zack's reply. "Zack!" he hissed when he recovered, glaring at the taller man. His shapely mouth worked as he tried to think of something else to add, but Zack had sufficiently flustered him to the point where he couldn't manage more than a protesting utterance of his name.

Zack's grin broadened and he slipped a hand down covertly and pinched Cloud on the ass. "You know you love it, sexy thing."

"Whatever," Cloud muttered crossly. "Can we go now? People are staring at me and I feel like a dick."

"They're staring at you because they want some of that sweet ass of yours," Zack predicted with a leer, encouraged by Cloud's endearing mortification. He grew bolder and patted the blond's rump familiarly, leaning in to murmur in his ear. "Too bad for them I only share with Seph."

The reaction was perfect. The light flush on Cloud's fair cheeks darkened further and Zack noted with satisfaction that despite his evident embarrassment, the crotch of Cloud's pants was beginning to tent in response to his touch and insinuations. Maybe they should leave soon. Zack was getting turned on and the urge to keep touching Cloud in ways that weren't appropriate in public was growing stronger by the minute.

"We can go in a few minutes," Zack promised, "but first, I want to liven up this party a little." He saw President Shinra approaching the buffet line and he smirked. He couldn't stand the fat bastard and he was about to take him down a few pegs. He reached into a pocket and procured a small remote device, showing it to Cloud before turning it on and arming it. The little red light at the top of the remote began to blink.

"Zack, what the hell is that?" Cloud asked, eyeing the thing with suspicious dread. "What are you up to?"

Zack replaced the remote in his pocket and looked at the buffet table in the center of the ballroom. "See those jack-o-lanterns on the buffet?"

Cloud followed his gaze and nodded.

"In about two minutes, they're going to be all over the place." Zack sniggered. He guessed it was enough time to get President Shinra showered with pumpkin bits. The man was predictably taking his time piling his plate with food. Tseng was unfortunately near him, acting as his bodyguard for the night. The Turk was going to get it too but getting caught in the crossfire was a hazard of the occupation.

Cloud stared back and forth between Zack and the buffet tables. "You...you've put bombs in those pumpkins?"

"Only little ones," Zack assured him. "Relax, they're harmless. They pack just enough punch to blow up the pumpkins and liven things up a little."

"You're crazy," Cloud reiterated, backing slowly away. "You've been hanging out with Reno too much." Rufus Shinra now joined his father and Tseng at the buffet line and with him were Reno and Rude. Reno was wearing a masquerade mask designed in the likeness of a fox's face. It was ironic that the very man who Cloud suspected to be a bad influence on Zack was about to be one of the victims of his prank.

Zack grabbed his arm to stop him. "Come on, every year somebody pulls a prank at these parties. Nobody's going to know I pulled this one, so stick around and watch. It'll be funny!"

Cloud's eyes widened, going past Zack's shoulder to the buffet table in the distance behind him. "Sephiroth," he said, pointing. "Sephiroth's at the buffet, Zack!"

Zack turned, thinking that Cloud was pulling his leg to make him disarm the bombs. To his horror, he saw that he wasn't. Sephiroth looked immaculate and gorgeous in the black and white tux he'd worn for the occasion and his silken hair fell free down his back like a silvery cloak. He was quietly selecting portions of food from the buffet, speaking only to answer questions directed at him from the President and his son. All that hair was about to be splattered with pumpkin guts and while Zack had heard of botanicals being good for the hair, he doubted Sephiroth would appreciate it.

"Turn if off!" Cloud's face was pale and the plume on his head swayed as he kept looking between Zack and Sephiroth. "Hurry, Zack!"

"I'm trying...I'm trying!" Zack frantically pushed the yellow button again and again but the light on the remote kept blinking. Either the transmitter was screwed or he'd messed up when he wired the little explosives. They weren't going to disarm.

Cloud shook his head and backed away. "I'm gone."

Zack turned his head to see the blond dashing toward the exit without a backwards glance. "Chicken!" he accused in a shout. The fact that Cloud was dressed as a bird as he ran away only lent weight to the accusation.

He didn't have time to worry about Cloud abandoning him. Zack started toward the buffet table with the intention of pulling Sephiroth away from it before the bombs went off but it was too late. The time was up and just as Seph was ladling a serving of punch into his glass, all three of the jack-o-lanterns decorating the buffet table burst open and flew into pieces with a bang. The DJ abruptly stopped the music and all of the guests quieted down and stared. For a few seconds, there was utter silence except for Reno's swearing. President Shinra was covered in pieces of pumpkin, along with everyone else at the buffet line.

Rude had been in the process of selecting a kabob of beef and vegetables and he stood frozen with the skewer halfway to his plate. A large piece of orange pulp slid down off the top of his bald head and he turned his shaded gaze to his partner, who was cussing up a storm beside him. The President and the others also looked at Reno and the redhead abruptly stopped swearing and held his hands up defensively.

"Motherfu-" Reno broke off in mid-swear. "Hey, don't look at me! I can't claim credit for this one, yo!"

President Shinra cast a glance at his son and Rufus snorted and rolled his eyes. "Oh please, as if I'd stoop to something so juvenile."

Sephiroth calmly put his glass down and reached up with slow, dignified grace to wipe bits of pumpkin off his face and pull them out of his hair. His eyes scanned the room and narrowed on Zackary, who stood there pale-faced with the remote in his hand. Realizing he was holding a damning piece of evidence, the Lieutenant hastily put his hand holding the device behind his back and gave Sephiroth what he hoped was an innocent, disarming smile.

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Cloud made it back to his barracks in record time and he quickly changed out of his costume, threw himself down on his bunk and grabbed the book he'd been reading. He'd lost one of his bird slippers on the way there but he hardly cared. He opened it to the bookmarked page and reclined, hoping that if anyone came questioning him he would appear completely innocent of involvement in the prank.

~"I wasn't feeling well so I left and came back here to lay down and read,"~ he mentally rehearsed as he scanned the text in the book without really seeing it. ~"Someone planted pumpkin bombs? No, I don't know anything about that. It must have happened after I left."~

The minutes ticked by and he was able to calm down and review the situation after a while, when nobody came to accuse him. He was blessedly alone in his assigned barracks-all of the other infantry personnel he shared the room with were out celebrating the holiday. His rational mind kicked in as his panic faded a bit and he began to realize a few things.

He bit his lip as guilt washed over him. If they found out Zack was responsible he could get into a heap of trouble and Cloud had abandoned him without a second thought. Knowing that Sephiroth was about to become one of the victims only helped convince Cloud to get out faster. It was Zack's own fault if he got caught though, wasn't it? Cloud tried to stop him, after all. It was a boneheaded thing to do even without Sephiroth getting caught up in it.

As he thought about it, he realized something else that made him groan. Fleeing the scene just before it happened was probably stupider than sticking around, now that he thought of it. If anybody noticed him leaving in such a hurry, just before the pumpkins exploded, he could probably expect to be on the list of suspects. He'd possibly just framed himself for Zack's "crime" in his effort to distance himself from it.

"Damn it," Cloud muttered, dropping his open book over his face. "People are going to think I'm the one that did it, now!"

A familiar, sensually masculine voice answered him from the open doorway. "I wouldn't worry about that, Private Strife."

Cloud pulled the book down over his nose to peek over the top of it at Sephiroth, who was walking into the room. He'd removed most of the pumpkin bits but there were still traces of it on his tux and in his hair. His serpentine gaze was cool and unreadable on him as he approached Cloud's bunk and stood over him. He held up the plushy "bird foot" that Cloud lost in the hallway on his mad dash to get to his room and he dropped it on his bunk.

"I believe this is yours? You see, it's common knowledge that you don't have the personality to plan something like this," Sephiroth went on as Cloud peered warily up at him. "I admit I was curious when I saw you leave in such a hurry, but after being treated to that delightful shower of produce and seeing the guilt on Zack's face, the answer was rather apparent."

Cloud flushed and sat up, closing his book and setting it aside. "Sir, he didn't mean to get you with it."

"I'm sure he didn't," agreed Sephiroth with a faint smirk. "That's inconsequential, however."

Fearful of what might happen to Zack, Cloud went on. "He said people pull pranks every year. I tried to stop him and he did try to turn off the bombs when he saw you at the buffet, but something was wrong with the remote and it wouldn't respond. You...you aren't going to hurt him, are you?"

Sephiroth appeared to consider the question. "He'll receive fitting punishment, nothing more. Sometimes when housebreaking a puppy you have to rub his nose in the mess he makes, after all."

Cloud crinkled his brow in confusion. "Oh. Um, he won't lose his rank or anything, will he?"

Sephiroth shook his head. "I seem to be the only one who's made the connection and even if I weren't, our good lieutenant is too valuable on the field for them to consider more than probation. The punishment will fit the crime, so don't concern yourself."

That was the second subtle comment Sephiroth had made and Cloud imagined all sorts of scenarios as he wondered what the General planned to do to Zack. His thoughts were interrupted when Sephiroth spoke again.

"Report to Lieutenant Fair's quarters and wait there." Sephiroth pulled another small bit of pumpkin out of his hair with a grimace of distaste. "I'm going to get cleaned up. I think this should be a learning experience for you, Strife."

Cloud gulped and stood up to salute him. "Yes sir."

A brief smile flitted over Sephiroth's lips before he turned and walked out of the barrack room. He stopped at the door and looked over his shoulder at Cloud, scanning him leisurely with thoughtful green eyes. "Oh and Cloud," he purred, "I thought the tail feathers you wore tonight were...interesting. Perhaps you'd be inclined to wear them again for my personal enjoyment."

Cloud couldn't very well refuse him so he nodded.

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Cloud knocked on Zack's door and he heard a muffled response from inside. He waited but Zack never came to open the door. "Zack? It's Cloud," he called. "Are you going to let me in?"

He heard the other man respond but he couldn't understand what he was saying. It sounded like Zack was mumbling or something. "What? I couldn't understand that."

Zack yelled again and he finally understood the word "key" in the response. Guessing that he was in the shower or doing something else that prevented him from coming to the door, Cloud reached into his pocket and pulled out his key ring to find the copy Zack had given him to his quarters. Once he located it, he unlocked the door and walked inside.

"Zack, where are you?" Cloud said as he shut the door behind him.

"Kitchen!" Zack's voice was still muffled.

Shaking his head, Cloud walked through the short hallway to the arch opening into the small kitchen area. "What, are you stuffing your face or something? You couldn't tear yourself away from food long enough to...to..." Cloud trailed off as he found Zack and saw why his voice sounded so muffled and why he couldn't come to the door. "Wh-what in the...!"

Glaring balefully at Cloud from atop Zack's shoulders was a large jack-o-lantern in place of his head. Even more curious, it was on backwards. Zack's body was facing away from Cloud and his wrists were securely bound behind his back with a pair of thick manacles. They weren't standard-issue cuffs and Cloud guessed they were made of an alloy that was too strong for even someone of Zack's enhanced strength to break them easily. Zack was stumbling around blindly, turning his head this way and that. The pumpkin bumped into one of the overhead cabinets and Zack stumbled a bit.

Guessing that Sephiroth was responsible for cuffing him and jamming the scowling jack-o-lantern over his head, Cloud took a moment to gather his wits. "What-" he began, but he had to stop as laughter threatened. He cleared his throat and tried again. "H-how did this happen?"

"Cloud?" Zack stopped aimlessly wandering and turned at the sound of his voice. "Help! Get this thing off me!"

"Why is it on backwards?" Cloud asked, still struggling not to laugh. Zack's wolf tail swished as he struggled against his restraints and tried to hold his balance. It only made the scene more comical.

"I tried to use the counter-side to pull it off," Zack answered in a miserable, distorted voice. "I only ended up turning it around and now I can't breathe! Come on man, it stinks in here!"

"If you can smell it, then you can breathe," reasoned Cloud, but he reached up and caught hold of the pumpkin on either side. "Hold still, dummy! I can't pull it off with you flailing around like that!"

Zack obediently stopped struggling and Cloud twisted and pulled upwards on the pumpkin. He was having trouble getting it up past the brunet's chin and he sighed.

"Here, try bending over," suggested Cloud. "You pull away while I pull at the pumpkin, okay?"

Zack nodded and the jack-o-lantern wobbled on his shoulders with the motion. He bent forward clumsily and Cloud tried again. Their combined efforts finally resulted in Cloud stumbling backwards into the wall, clutching the liberated pumpkin in his arms while Zack fell flat on his ass. Cloud set the pumpkin on the floor and hurried to his boyfriend's side, torn between amusement and concern as Zack panted for breath.

"Are you okay?" Cloud asked him. Zack looked thoroughly miserable, bearing a convincing likeness to a disciplined puppy. His fluffy ears had been squashed down by the weight of the pumpkin and they drooped over his equally flattened sable hair. His face was sweaty and his lips were frowning.

"I could have suffocated," he complained.

"I think that's why Sephiroth sent me to 'report' here," Cloud guessed as he pulled the headband that held Zack's wolf ears to his head off. "He must have come to my room right after he finished with you and I guess he knew you'd get yourself in trouble if you were left alone for too long."

Zack was practically pouting. "This is worse than what I did."

Cloud chuckled helplessly and brushed the other man's bangs out of his eyes. He'd never seen Zack look so boyishly perturbed and it was kind of cute. "Hey, I'm sorry I took off like that," he apologized, kissing Zack on the mouth briefly. "I panicked. Do you know where the keys to these cuffs are?"

"Seph's probably got them," Zack sighed. "So they're not coming off until he's ready to take them off, unless you get a blowtorch. Don't worry Chocobo...I don't blame you. I screwed up and now I've got to own it...can't expect you to take my blows with me when you had nothing to do with it."

"Here, I'll help you up," offered Cloud. With effort, he aided the larger man and got him to his feet. "Sephiroth told me to wait here so I don't think you'll be stuck in those cuffs all night."

Zack snorted and looked at him sidelong. "Don't you know better, by now? Anyway, my head stinks. I hate to ask, but will you wash my hair for me and help me get cleaned up?"

Cloud nodded, grinning again. "Sure. Let's get you to the bathroom."

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End of part 1