Lamentations

*so… why IS bread square and bologna round??*

Lamentations
Chapter Nine
No More Secrets

Mother of god, I killed him. I was sure of it. Maybe it was a blind and panicked act of determination to not lose him that got me to move so quickly. Cid was heavy, but the adrenaline numbed me from the effort.

I don’t remember which path I took through the Highwind to get to his quarters, throwing our clothes in the wash or even cleaning up the blood. I remembered fumbling for Materia though, and cursing my lack of it due to my negligence to AVALANCHE as a whole lately. I used up the un-mastered Cure and waited impatiently for it to charge again.

Here I was, about ready to snap. What little there was holding me together would break if Cid Highwind died. Why or how was not my guess that so much would rest on one man, much like how infatuated I had become with Lucrecia had weighed so much on her. It had ruined us.

Trust no one.

If you must trust, trust only thy instincts

Never underestimate thy enemy

When in doubt, shoot

When in certainty, suspect

Obedience is golden

Kissing ass shall only get thee so far

Kicking ass shall take thee places

Thou shalt always expect the worst.

A talkative Turk is usually a dead Turk

Oh the cold-blooded things I had done under that creed. My own father was dead by my hands from those words, typed carefully and posted on the bulletin board of the young Percival ShinRa’s office. Perhaps it had been a joke at first, but it had remained, crinkled and worn on the edges it had been there so long…

A Turk no more, and yet another innocent I held close to my ashen and blackened heart was going to die by my hands. Hojo’s curse—ShinRa’s curse—prevails again: to destroy all one touches.

I laid my ear across Cid’s chest. Breath. Shallow, shallow breath and a weak heartbeat. He was on the edge of life and death. So warm… my lips brushed the fragile flesh over the wound—there would be a deep scar from this. I let my fingers run over the muscles in his chest—every inch of him sacred…

The man needed pants, before I got too carried away.

With a start I realized that none of this was entirely sexual, and for no other save Lucrecia would I have gone to such lengths to spare a life. And here I wanted him dead a week ago…

Half decent, I gave the Materia another go. I allowed a small sigh of relief when Cid stirred, cursed and grunted as he tried to sit up.

“I wouldn’t,” I warned him.

I must have startled him because he jerked in surprise at my voice as his eyes slowly focused on my in the dark. “Oh man…” he grunted, inspecting the damage. “I thought I was a goner…”

“It’s fortunate that you weren’t,” I told him sort of stiffly. Would he be angry? Given from what I had seen, probably not. I couldn’t say truthfully that I could understand the way he thought though—I would have expected him to be rather pissed off.

He pushed himself up by the elbows and took a good look at my face. Fury? Rejection? “Jesus, I didn’t hurt you too bad, did I?”

Of all the…! Half dead and he continues to worry about my well-being? For such a selfish man, he was putting an awful lot of focus on me—which was almost unsettling if it hadn’t been so damn flattering. It still made me a little uneasy, but I almost smiled. “You’re not the one who should be asking that question.”

Cid waved the Materia away. “Use that on yourself, Vince. I’m fine now.”

Was my monstrous presence truly so humbling? He must have assumed that this Curative was unlimited in its use. “It’s not the mastered one,” I explained.

Cid rose an eyebrow. “Who the hell has FullCure then?”

A strange detail that he had noticed—that I usually carried that particular orb on my person. Strange because it was a subtlety that wasn’t attached to a face. “That’s not the point,” I told him. He shouldn’t have been dwelling on Materia—though having to keep track of it for some time himself had gotten him into the habit I suppose. He should have been concentrating on surviving.

“You were gonna make a point?” Cid chuckled, about ready to cross his arms like he usually did. He thought better of it, it seems, and he remained still.

I was solely to blame for his pain. Should have stayed in that coffin. Shouldn’t have put anyone at risk. Hot tension melted into a cold pit in my stomach reminiscent of despair as I let the familiar weight of blame and guilt perch itself back onto my conscience. “I can’t tell you how deeply sorry I am for hurting you.” The apology sounded flat to me. I hoped Cid wouldn’t mistake fatigue for insincerity. “And… seeing how truly happy you can be has shown me how unfathomably selfish I have been…”

“What the hell did I tell you about kicking yourself?” he barked suddenly, as if to strike me upside the head with his words. Normally I didn’t take kindly to such orders, but his was deserving. I wasn’t sure what to say, but Cid’s addiction saved me from awkwardness. “Hey, do me a favor? Get in my desk and fish me out a cigarette?”

Obviously he wasn’t one for dwelling on the past. I obliged him, fishing around in an unfamiliar desk drawer until the little square box made it’s way to my searching fingers. The lighter followed.

Cid puffed contentedly and thoughtfully on his cigarette, putting a blessed action between us to buffer my unease. “So Cloud—?”

“Forget about Cloud,” I interrupted. What could Cloud offer at this point? Nothing my soul yearned for. He had lied to himself so long and had been put through a similar torture. Closer to humanity than I, but no truth could be found in him—not even he could find any. And though he was young and beautiful, with delicious flesh and endless energy, his attractiveness was shadowed by his mental exhaustion and his tangled soul. “It’s you and I for the moment.”

Cid nodded with that grin of his. “Are you ready then?”

“Ready?”

“For Sephiroth.”

The name put another knot in my stomach so I couldn’t say anything for a moment. Lucrecia’s baby. More of a monster than even I could claim to be, but the sad, pitiable being couldn't have even fought against what Hojo subjected him to strait from the very womb in which he was conceived. The womb of the most beautiful woman in the world. It made me wonder sometimes if I too were destined for the same descent into madness. Too much… just too much to even try and sort out…

“Yes,” I lied.

Cid took a drag almost coyly, not breaking eye contact or his smirk. “Liar.”

He had me again. I half shrugged.“…True.”

“Is he really your son?”

I could have cringed, but I didn’t. No, Cid really wasn’t a bullshitter. Tactlessly so, and I wasn’t sure if he meant it or not. Perhaps it was a part of his charm. Sephiroth was a difficult guess gene-wise. By my own negligence to her, Lucrecia had turned to Hojo (or more likely he plucked her up in her moment of weakness…), so in that period between lovemaking and conception, it could have been either of us. I tried to envision the face, but the only parallel I could find was between Sephiroth and Lucrecia, neither me nor Hojo. It could have just been my minds refusal to really know though…

“He looks so much like Lucrecia. I can’t be sure,” I said truthfully.

Cid bit his tongue for a moment, and for once considered what popped out of his mouth. “He’s insane, Vince,” he finally came up with. No, not a drop of tact in him.

“I know,” I sighed heavily. “That’s why I told Lucrecia that he was dead. No. I’d rather not know. He must die anyway, and knowing makes the sin no better.”

I surprised myself at how easy it was to say these things to Cid, and how though I wasn’t entirely comfortable with it, I wasn’t incredibly squeamish about it either.

“Cloud wants to move out soon,” Cid was saying.

I know… I let a broken smile escape. Ah, atonement and the price of it… “Then with the death of Sephiroth is the death of my repentance. My atonement will be complete… and though I will grieve his loss as if he were mine, I will let it go.” Was this how Cloud felt when he spoke to me? Like I was trying to convince myself and not Cid… “It’s time to heal,” I decided. “You told me that, Cid. And … I believe you.”

Cid shrugged, as if I hadn’t bore my soul to him. “That or we all die. You know the whole all-powerful thing and then there’s Meteor and Holy to worry about or some crap like that… the save-the-world bullshit…”

He wasn’t too terribly bothered about the whole situation because he didn’t permit it to do so. Simple genius. “I see now,” I said in no particular direction. “It makes sense.”

Cid seemed satisfied with my unplanned rambling. He finished his cigarette and snuffed it out on the nightstand. “So what do you wanna do after we save the world?”

The question caught me off guard. “I… never thought about it,” I admitted. Go back to the coffin? No… Hojo was dead and if we succeeded, Sephiroth would be too. The coffin held no purpose anymore. I would have my life back. The thought sort of scared me.

Cid laughed heartily at my reaction. “Me neither!” His hands darted to the fresh flesh, ready to break from the strain. “Ooh… sore…”

I pressed my lips into the scar, as if I could just suck away the pain I had given him. My body reacted, wanting to counteract the mauling with something explicit, but I inwardly shook my head. He was in no condition, even for gentle play. It was nice to see the hairs rise on his arms as I did so though. “That was sort of a cliché statement, Cid…” I told him instead.

“Huh?”

“‘Dreams come true…’” The words were laughable even, something off of those movies girls giggled about after they had a good cry, the kind of girls that threw up constantly to fit into those tiny skirts to show off their ass.

Cid sort of snorted. “Sorry for not being creative, but it was the least I could do, considering you were about to rip my head off…”

The statement stung, but I don’t think that it was meant to be malicious. I suppose I could tell him what he would hear of me. He knew well enough that I unfolded very carefully and cautiously, and no more force attempts were needed (nor tolerated for that matter, but I’m sure he realized that). “Your kindness daunted me at first…”
I confessed into his abdomen, following the trail of blond hairs that led to the path of sin with the fingers of my one hand. “I still don’t understand why you would extend it to me of all people.”

Another chuckle bounced against my lips. “If it makes you feel better, neither do I,” Cid admitted. “But don’t question it, man. Aren’t you glad I did?”

“Undoubtedly,” I immediately said, not thinking. It was a pure answer, one that he deserved.

I hadn’t thought about Lucrecia unprovoked for a while. In fact… around him, I rarely did anymore. He was a balm for my pain—and as odd as it was without the past hovering over my shoulder, it was a nice void, one that was reminiscent of happiness.

It was a shock when I realized it. My concern was out of care, not necessity. I really liked being around him—my lines of personal space seemed to expand in his presence (and as most know, I keep them rather close). He was no less my love as he was my friend—I’m not sure what he was to me, but he made loyalty seem a lot less disgusting. Both notions were still foolish, but a little more tolerable.

No more lamentations. I let myself be content with the sound of Cid’s breathing and heartbeat, as he seemed to be just as content to fall asleep with his hand in my hair.

The price to pay for such contentment would be determined in the crater, by the calamity that heaven sent and by the only being in the world that could possibly have my genetics swimming around in him. A price well worth paying.

We shall see…


END
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*THANK YOU ALL FOR GIVING YOUR SUPPORT! A special thanks out to: arora_kayd, Death Penalty, Auron Revolutionist (for your reviews of my other fics as well ^_^), Dracoqueen22, and a real special shout out for the support of LordIckarous—you made writing easier and more motivating ^_^. Another BIG THANKS!*