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Whispered Screams	By : AngryAngel Category: Final Fantasy VIII > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 6957 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VIII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
Wet. Smelly. Hairy.
Annoying.
None of these were
adjectives that Seifer would have liked to associate with a wake-up call in the
middle of the night, thank you very much. Yet, he could feel someone breathing
into his face heavily, spangling it with beads of warm, musky drool. Groaning
fiercely, he tried to push the invader away and roll onto his side, but in
consequence, he felt pointy teeth being plunged into his bare forearm
demandingly.
�Ow-ow-ow! Wha...
the fuck... Shiva! Knock it off!�
Still slurring with the
drowsiness of painfully severed sleep, the brawny blonde dug his face into his
pillow and fought to keep an impatient Shiva at a distance. His dog was
standing next to the bed on her hind legs, her black front paws placed firmly
upon the mattress while her tongue was lavishing the side of Seifer�s face with
greatest wetness and vigor. As the eighteen year old felt trails of drool
snaking their way into his ear, he finally catapulted himself into a seating
position and glared at her for all he was worth.
�Fuckin� dumb ass mutt,
leave me the fuck alone already! I�m tryin� to sleep here! What�s going on? How
the hell did you get in here anyw-�
When his mind finally came
to a complete wake, Seifer�s vocal outburst inevitably came to a screeching
halt. He couldn�t see much, because it was still the midst of night, but the
dim picture of Shiva sitting next to the bed, baring her sharp, white fangs at
him and growling warningly caused something within him to snap.
Why was she in his bedroom?
Gradually, the memories
came pouring back to him and he threw his head around. Frantically, he searched
the room. There was a whole lot of darkness around him � darkness, tousled
heaps of black satin sheets that pooled around his waist and a bed that
shouldn�t have been empty.
Shouldn�t have been, but was all the same.
�Ah, fuck.�
His tired but sparking
viridian gaze flew around the pitch black room, finding nothing unusual but the
formerly closed door to his living-room, which had been pushed ajar just wide
enough for Shiva to squeeze through. His dear classmate and reluctant company
for the night, Squall Leonhart, however, was nowhere in sight and except for
Shiva�s relentless panting, the whole apartment was perfectly quiet.
�Fuck! For fuck�s sake,
I knew this was going to happen! I�m a fuckin� idiot!�
Certain that his frigid
brunette visitor had stolen himself away during his sleep and was now likely
stumbling down some nocturnal street of Deling City, Seifer leaped out of bed
and onto his feet with numerous, nasty curses caterwauling from his lips.
�Christ fuckin� dammit, I
can�t believe how goddamn na�ve I am! I�ve gotta be the dumbest
motherfucker ever!�
Trampling across the
carpeted floor with no consideration whatsoever towards his neighbors, a
half-naked Seifer charged for the bedroom door. He tore it wide open and flung
his hand to the light switch, growling thickly with the spiteful frustration of
somebody who had just been played for a complete fool.
He never did turn
on the light, though.
As he glanced down his
dark living room and open-faced kitchen, looking for nothing in particular but
a stationary target to unleash his directionless anger upon, his breath jarred
dry in his throat when his narrowed eyes focused on a sight that they had no
longer expected.
Next to Seifer, Shiva was
growling softly.
�What the...�
Inevitably, Seifer�s fiery
voice trailed off into the darkness. He recognized the slim figure clad in
black shorts and a long sleeved, black t-shirt that was standing in the far
corner at the kitchen window; that act of recognition took him little longer
than for a heart to strike a beat. Pale moonlight was streaking through the
blinds that Seifer never bothered to draw shut, splashing all over the figure�s
milky skin and dark brown, messy hair, while bouncing off the short, slender
blade that it was holding in its hands.
The figure was none other
than Squall, but that blade...
It looked like a cold slash
of silver in a shell of yellow plastic � nothing more, nothing less � and yet
it was one of the most unsettling things that Seifer had ever laid eyes on in
his entire life. Deep within, he felt as if he was looking upon an image of
death itself, and the thought caused an icy tingle to lance up his spine,
nearly petrifying him with shock.
But in all reality, Seifer
had no time to be shocked.
Within a second, he was by
Squall�s side. Seifer took no time to further analyze the situation; instead,
he flung out his arm and curled his hand around Squall�s left wrist. He pulled
tight immediately and yanked the brunette around, forcing Squall to drop the
cutter he had been clutching loosely in his fingers. The cheap blade connected
with the tiled floor with a hollow, clattering sound that echoed loud and
profound within Seifer�s mind, before it finally disappeared somewhere beneath
the kitchen table.
After that, it was silent
once more.
Seifer�s breath was coming
hard and fast, wheezing in his lungs as he tried to compose himself despite the
raw panic that was jolting in his bloodstream. He held on to Squall�s wrist as
if he was never to let go, while the brunette was facing him with a solemn
expression that was bleached of any kind of emotions. Squall Leonhart just
stood there, bathing in the cold moonlight and gazing empty-eyed at the blonde
youth that was panting before him.
Fortunately, it didn�t
take long for Seifer to regain his composure, or at least his will to utilize
his most effective organ of all � his voice.
�Squall,� Seifer
barked the brunette�s name right into his ears, but Squall wouldn�t even bat so
much as an eyelash at his hysteria. �You fuckin� idiot! What the fuck do
you think you�re doing? What�s wrong with you, goddammit?�
The dark haired teen stoically
refused to acknowledge the older boy�s presence and anger. He didn�t even make
any efforts at freeing himself from Seifer�s hold, no matter how much the touch
hurt or bothered him; instead, his lucid features had become like those of a
precious porcelain doll � fragile, beautiful and lifeless.
Squall seemed to care
about nothing at all, least of all for his own existence.
When Seifer finally dared
to lift Squall�s wrists in order to investigate the harm that the brunette had
done during his absence, his fear almost choked him unconscious. With a raw
sigh that was borne by infinite relief, however, the blonde found both limbs
still enveloped by the same bandages that he himself had wrapped around them so
carefully only hours before. They were untouched, but even so, the dispelled
look in Squall�s face told Seifer that the brunette was far from unscathed.
Squall�s hair was
cascading into his dark grey eyes in thick, sweat-drenched chunks and his
breath came disturbingly flat from his chest whenever his lungs managed to
unclench. Seifer wanted to touch him, to pull him close and soothe him with all
his desperate might... but he didn�t know what to do anymore. Squall wanted to
destroy himself, gradually so, and Seifer had no idea why or how on earth to stop
him.
�Why do you do this...?�
Seifer breathed, helplessness weighing down each of his words as the image of
Squall�s somber face burnt itself into his memory forever. �Why? Why...?�
Squall�s gaze flickered to
the ground, to the cutter that he knew was laying there, somewhere. A shudder
rocked through his thin body, but his lips phased into a false, broken smile
that looked nothing short of displaced on his typically emotionless face. His
poor wrist was aching with strain in Seifer�s crushing hold, but Squall wasn�t
going to complain; by all means, if he couldn�t have the sharp caress of a
razor�s blade that night, anything would have to serve as his last
anchor to sanity.
Of course, Seifer would
know nothing of that.
�... You wouldn�t
understand anyway,� Squall eventually replied softly, shrugging and chuckling
faintly like he had made a joke, even though his throat felt coarse and parched
like sandpaper.
Seifer frowned darkly,
both saddened and frustrated by Squall�s statement. This wasn�t the same brunette
he had met on his first day at Deling City High � this wasn�t the cold,
careless, cunning loner that couldn�t be fazed by anything or anyone. His eyes
were dead like shattered glass and his face was that of a person who no longer
had a desire to cling on to life. Instead, Squall seemed sickly amused by the
concept of Seifer asking him for his motives, as if everything was just a
sadistic, cruel game that the brunette could only win by losing.
�Then tell me, Squall,�
Seifer finally commanded, his voice as firm as it would be. �Tell me. At
least try. Maybe I would understand!�
Squall continued to smile
that deceiving, twisted little smile, but his brows had begun to crease in
thought. Seifer stood merely an arm�s length from him � so unnaturally close -
and those hypnotic green eyes of his fixed him nearly desperately, demanding an
explanation of some kind. Somehow, that sight caused a nearly unbearable pain
to claw at Squall�s heart, making it sting like none of his physical wounds
ever had.
The psychotic grin finally
died clean on Squall's lips when he wordlessly dropped his head in defeat.
Frankly, the brunette himself didn�t even understand why he needed to violate
his own body to banish the pain that threatened to drive him mad, why he had to
fight fire with fire and throbbing anguish with even greater torment, but it worked
� that was all that he knew, and it was all the reason that he needed.
With his throat tight and
constricted, he lifted his right hand that Seifer wasn�t holding captive and
glanced upon the white gauze bandage and the crimson-spotted black fabric of
his shirt, tentatively tilting his wrist from side to side.
Even that small,
unimportant motion hurt in so very many ways and places.
�To... make the pain... go
away.�
Across from him, Seifer
froze at the sound of Squall�s soft, vulnerable voice that lingered even after
the words themselves had long faded away. For a seemingly endless moment, he
forgot how to think and how to breathe, and he drowned in the absurdity of
Squall�s explanation.
..: �To make the pain
go away.� :..
It was downright
ridiculous. It didn�t make any sense what-so-ever. People took medicine
to rid themselves of pain, at least of the physical kind... they sought comfort
from their loved ones or they simply cried their hearts out until they could
feel no more. For fuck�s sake, they didn�t cut themselves! And yet, no
matter how much he wished he could, Seifer couldn�t deny that Squall was
telling him the truth, because the blonde would have seen any lie written in
the filigree lines of his very face. Evidently, Squall slit his wrists to
endure some sort of greater pain, some kind of greater evil, and the thought
was nothing short of excruciating for Seifer.
This wasn�t how life was
meant to be.
This wasn�t right.
This was fucking unfair.
Without saying another
word or wasting another breath, Seifer simply closed the space that separated
their bodies. He released Squall�s wrist as his hand found the brunette�s neck
instead, and when Seifer wrapped his other arm around the younger boy�s
shoulders in a powerful embrace, he pulled him as close as was humanly
possible. He tilted his own head down to bridge their gap in heights,
cherishing that unique scent of Squall�s that had nearly driven him mad on so many
occasions.
�There are ways to make
you stop hurting, Squall,� he whispered into the brunette�s ear, the fierce
urgency in his shaky voice almost corporeal. �Other ways. Ways that
don�t involve you bleeding or hurting even more than you already are.
Ways that won�t scar you.�
He could feel Squall�s
limp body shifting in his arms as the brunette looked up at him sadly, his eyes
impossibly deep and dark at such close proximity. Seifer could have counted
every single, coal black lash that rimmed those orbs of fathomless grey, Squall
stood that near; he could watch the brunette�s pale lips twitching and felt his
erratic heartbeat against his own chest, pounding with the forcefulness of
despair.
�What do you know,
Almasy...� Squall snorted cynically as he lowered his head again and tried to
disguise his vulnerability with arrogance, �You know nothing.�
There was bitterness in
those frail, almost inaudible words that Squall thrust against the naked skin
of Seifer�s collarbone... and there was pain. So much pain. That was the moment
when Seifer finally understood. This act of self-abuse was Squall�s last
resort, his last valve for relief from the agony that threatened to destroy
every part of him. The blonde didn�t know what could possibly cause such
hurtful longings, but he did know one thing:
There was no pain of
Squall�s that he would not try to cure.
Not one. Not ever.
Silently, he edged their
bodies apart just far enough to where he could cup Squall�s chin with his hand
and tilt it upwards gently, forcing the brunette to listen to what he had to
say.
�What I know is
that I want to help you,� he murmured, decisively so, while his eyes never
strayed from Squall�s. �Because... I really care about you.�
Squall�s features curled
resentfully at that statement and he gave another snort of purest scorn,
secretly wanting but not daring to believe.
�I don�t need your pity,�
he spat coldly as he crushed his hands to fists and tried to back away, but
there was no longer any bite in his voice.
The confusion over
Seifer�s actions and words was slowly eating away at him.
Seifer felt him writhing
in his grasp, trying to whisk his head away and escape to wherever, but the
older blonde kept holding on, trapping Squall by his waist and jaw. The
brunette�s storm grey eyes were sparking now - sparking with frustration, shame
and an unsettling kind of emotional damage that seemed so far beyond repair.
The blonde shook his head
in a silent gesture of disapproval.
�Pity... you really
think I pity you? ... You�re wrong, princess. Someone other than me might feel
that way, but... for some reason, I don�t think that you�re pitiful in any
sense or form. I don�t feel... sorry for you, I guess. Not like that, anyway. I
like you. I want you. I�ve wanted you ever since that day that I first
saw you in the parking lot. The fact that you�re broken doesn�t change anything
� it only means that I have to steady you. And I will.�
�You�ve understood
nothing.�
Squall flicked up his gaze
to meet with Seifer�s once more - and for rawest bewilderment to ultimately
collide with dead set determination. Seifer was smiling at him, sternly and
sadly as he finally drowned out all of his doubts and restraints. His eyes held
Squall�s in mesmerizing captivity, and ever so carefully, Seifer moved his
right thumb to the dry surface of Squall�s bottom lip, tracing it languidly,
while at the same time giving the brunette fair warning before he leaned in to
kiss him.
That simple kiss was like
a white hot flame that struck Squall�s nerves, shutting down even the most
primitive mechanisms of his body as his breath was crushed clean inside his
lungs by the surprise. He just stood there like one of those beautiful ice
statues, every muscle in his limbs snapped painfully tight while his
saucer-wide, disbelieving grey eyes were nailed to the blurriness that was
Seifer�s face. The fluttering warmth of Seifer�s lips against his own seemed
marginal compared to the scorching heat that had erupted in the center of his
chest, and both sensations boiled into an intriguing mix of emotions that he
had never felt before.
�W-what am I doing?
What�s he doing? Why am I letting this... him... we... why am I letting
this happen, why-�
Why, deep within his
heart, it felt so good, despite everything.
Seifer could feel Squall
tensing in his arms, semi-consciously struggling against the intrusion, but
after having ventured this far the blonde was not going to simply give in.
After all, he had no intentions of hurting Squall, nor did Seifer believe that
he was doing anything that the younger boy wouldn�t be able to handle.
It was just a kiss. Squall
was a gorgeous seventeen year old, he had to have received at least a couple of
these ever since he had hit puberty.
It was just a kiss.
And indeed, some unscarred
part of Squall seemed to respond to the way that Seifer was hugging him,
eagerly swallowing his ragged breaths with his mouth and generously offering a
kind of comfort that the brunette hadn�t experienced in a long, long time. Maybe
it was to blame on the ancient, carnal instincts that slumbered even within the
ice princess� consciousness, or perhaps merely the brunette�s initial confusion
over Seifer�s approach, but either way, Squall�s body was losing its staticness
and slowly eased into the brawny blonde�s touch. His lips were clumsily copying
those movements that Seifer had just introduced him to, and altogether, it
didn�t feel quite so bad.
As he finally seemed to
ditch all restraints and permitted the blonde�s skillfully demanding tongue
entrance, Squall had to admit that it tasted good, too. He noticed a
faint trace of mint � probably the blonde�s mouthwash � and a musky, strange
sweetness that Squall just knew he could easily become partial to. Their
bodies were only separated by ridiculously thin layers of clothing, allowing
for an intimacy that was unperturbed by physical barriers as Seifer ground
their hips together, letting Squall feel just how deeply this kiss was
affecting him.
It was a wide array of
sensual impressions that, once united, made Squall believe to be the sole
passenger on an out-of-control rollercoaster ride as he clung to Seifer�s neck
for dear life.
�Unh... My head... is
spinning... Dizzy... Why... are we...�
When he realized that
Squall�s defenses were caving in at last, Seifer encircled the brunette�s lean
waist with greater vigor. Squall was shorter and thinner than him, almost frail
in semblance, yet he felt nothing like a girl. The strings of muscle that
glided beneath the fabric of his black shirt were supple and strong, but
perhaps they were also a bit misleading where Squall�s emotional
strength was concerned.
Unfortunately, Seifer was
too caught up in the passion of the moment to think much on that issue.
As he crushed the lithe
frame against his own, he snaked his right hand beneath the hem of the
brunette�s shirt, patiently traveling upwards. Squall shifted slightly at the
contact, trembling softly as Seifer traced every arch and hollow of his hips,
spine and shoulders with his large hands. Seifer noted with satisfaction how
the younger teen was squirming now, apparently undetermined on whether he
wanted to recoil or linger for more. Squall�s body was responding quite
hungrily to the blonde�s experienced touch, starving for affection and acting
entirely on its own as it blended into Seifer�s arms. When Seifer ultimately
guided the brunette to the kitchen table without breaking their lip contact for
even a second, Squall followed his lead all too willingly.
Seifer hooked his hands
under Squall�s bare thighs, feeling powerful muscles contracting as he hitched
the brunette upwards and onto the table. Immediately, he stepped in between
Squall�s parted legs, not ready to sever their passionate kiss just yet as he
was enjoying this far too much. His hands skillfully worked up and down the
smooth skin of Squall�s back, pulling the brunette as close as was physically
possible without their bodies melting and becoming one. Squall had curled both
of his hands around the edge of the table top, wrestling it for support against
Seifer�s conquest. He could still taste the blonde�s mouthwash, feel his tongue
entwining with his own impatiently, and the emotions that those sensations
issued right to his heart had him almost in tears. He couldn�t help but want
more of this, want it to fill his very soul, and when Seifer gently broke their
kiss to lower Squall�s back onto the hard table, the brunette did nothing to
resist.
Squall lay panting heavily
as Seifer pushed his shirt upwards and trailed his fingers along the brunette�s
sensitive sides, caressing his pale skinned, finely chiseled abdomen with only
his fingertips. They had both lost their sense of reason and reality,
submerging themselves entirely in this one moment that seemed drawn out of time
and out of place. All the while, Seifer�s emerald gaze searched Squall�s
tightly grimacing face, marveling over the younger boy�s intoxicating beauty.
Once grey eyes that were now blue with lust narrowed feverishly as they were
locked upon the ceiling in a sense of embarrassment, and Squall�s porcelain
skin was slicked with beads of sweat that Seifer was dying to taste.
When Seifer slowly pulled
Squall�s body closer to his hips, his expression that of a famished predator
stalking its prey, the brunette let out a cracked, broken moan � one that the
older blonde swallowed with yet another kiss as he moved over Squall like a
panther. Squall had closed his eyes in blind, uncharacteristical trust, while
he was almost driven over the edge by Seifer hovering over him and teasingly
brushing his tongue up his jugular and across his earlobe. He saw sparks of
white light even though his eyes were shut, and Squall didn�t open them
again until he felt the blonde retracting once more. Silently, he gazed up into
orbs of purest jade and a gorgeous, heated face that was stretched into a
blissful smile so free of worries and insecurities.
Then... Squall remembered.
The looming shadow that
was borne by moonlight and Seifer�s heavy body - the heat, the sweat and the
chest that was pushing hard against his own in an echo of ragged breaths that
were drawn whenever Squall�s mouth was not covered by a set of hungry
lips; lips that had no business touching his body - had no right to.
Lips that would snap into a nasty, cruelly satisfied smirk - feeding on Squall�s
borderless hatred, the agony buried deep within his wounded soul and the
resistance in his eyes that had not shattered, ever, even after years of
maddening pain.
Squall�s stomach coiled as
the warm passion seeped away and cold reality rebound back to him.
Gagging, he rolled onto
his side, trying to escape from this sudden, terrifying feeling of confinement.
Seifer, who had his hands placed on either side of Squall�s body, pulled back
immediately. The dark haired boy beneath him was now coughing throatily, his
body rocked by convulsive shivers as he tried to buck Seifer off.
�Squall! Squall, what�s
wrong?� Seifer asked with a startled hiss while trying to steady them both
against the brunette�s mindless struggling.
But Squall managed to push
him away, and he jumped off the table with one hand clasped before his mouth.
Neither of the boys even noticed the cup of water that Squall swept off the
table; it loudly connected with the kitchen floor and shattered into countless
slivers of sharp glass that splayed across the marble tiles like a tidal wave.
Wide-eyed and unsure of what to do, Seifer could only watch how the brunette
stumbled for the guest bathroom by the living room and dropped onto his knees
before the toilet � a frightening image that was quickly followed by the sound
of violent regurgitation.
�Squall!�
Within seconds, Seifer was
by the brunette�s side. Squall was shuddering heartbreakingly as he emptied
what little content his stomach had held into the chlorinated water before him.
Seifer knelt next to him on the cold, tiled floor, and he moved one hand across
Squall�s back in small and soothing circles. He softly murmured disjointed,
unimportant words that sounded vaguely reassuring in his own ears, but that did
nothing to calm the miserable brunette cowering on his bathroom floor.
�Squall... It�s okay...
It�s alright... You�re fine... You�re fine, I promise... It�s alright,
Squall... It�s okay... Shhh...�
When Squall finally
stopped vomiting, his gagging had transformed into hoarse, wet hiccups. He
tried to suppress his childish, helpless weeping as both of his hands cramped
around the toilet seat, but something within him was trembling so brutally that
he had no idea how to stop it. Images and feelings thus far mostly suppressed
now came crashing down on top of him, burying beneath them his breathing and
sense of rational thought.
He felt like he was dying.
Seifer watched with worry
how the brunette�s knuckles went as surgically white as the ceramic toilet
before them. Immediately, he cupped them with his own hands and carefully pried
them loose � the vomit and urine he spoiled them with didn�t even faze him.
Robbed of his only means to steady himself, Squall practically collapsed in
Seifer�s arms. The brunette wanted to scream and cry and hit someone, anyone,
but all he could do was hitch oxygen to his lungs and tremble like a leaf
caught in a hurricane while his legs shuffled across the tiles.
Seifer squatted behind
him, crushing the younger boy against his chest while trying to understand what
on earth had just come to pass. All the while, he continued to mutter
senselessly, his voice warm and gentle while his thoughts became more and more
incoherent.
It took a long time before
Squall finally calmed down. His muscles stopped spasming and his tearless
sobbing ceased, but Seifer found the sudden stillness of his body nearly as
disturbing as the brunette�s previous hysteria. The air was laden with the
sharp, sour stench of vomit, snaring at least parts of the blonde�s attention;
Seifer figured it best to move Squall into another room before he�d get
re-acquainted with his dinner yet again.
�Squall,� Seifer
whispered, unsure whether his voice would hold, �Hey... you�re gonna make
yourself sick again if you stay in here. Let�s go to the bedroom.�
Squall showed no physical
sign of recognition at the blonde�s words; his head was drooping low and he
still twitched every now and then as flashes of memories licked through his
mind like flames through a burning building. He hardly even felt Seifer hooking
his arms beneath his own and hauling him upwards, but he did notice that
his legs clearly wouldn�t support his weight. His knees buckled beneath him and
he closed his eyes to ready himself for the impact with the floor, but
fortunately, Seifer had never actually let go of him. In fact, he kept Squall
in an upright position quite effortlessly, though he wasn�t entirely sure as to
what to do next. Seifer had never been the vomiting type (minus those nights
when he had been so drunk that his condition had bordered to alcohol
poisoning), hence he didn�t quite know how to make his friend more comfortable.
Well, perhaps his best bet
was to start simple.
�You should rinse your
mouth,� the eighteen year old suggested softly, already ushering Squall in the
direction of the sink. �Come on. I�ll help you.�
Squall mechanically took a
few steps, still dependent upon the blonde for support. Seifer was mirroring
his motions as he walked behind him, one arm slung around his waist like a much
needed safety belt. The more Squall tried to think a clear thought or
understand what had happened, the more his head threatened to spin itself
senseless. Thus, he simply followed along Seifer�s guidance like a puppet on
strings, willingly pushing his hands into the gush of water that erupted from
the faucet that Seifer had turned on for him. The coldness felt impossibly
good, even if his body already had a much closer resemblance to an icicle than
he liked. He was freezing despite the warmth offered by Seifer�s closeness, but
he splashed his face and rinsed his mouth with the tap water all the same. It
chased the blurriness from his head, at least by a little, and as he cast a
weak, half-lidded glance into the mirror before him, he could see his own,
ghostly looking face and the taller blonde standing right behind him. Seifer
wasn�t saying a word, but he was monitoring his every movement apprehensively
out of hawk-like, sharp green eyes.
�He�s... I... We...
D-did we really... did I...�
Shuddering inwardly,
Squall blinked at the toilet to their left.
�... Oh god...�
Groaning, he buried his
face in the hollow of his right hand. His stomach was starting to revolt again,
but to Squall�s fortune, Seifer had a fairly firm grasp on the situation � and
on him. The blonde had washed his own hands and was now using them to gently
lead his younger classmate out of the sickly smelling bathroom and into the
living room. They discovered Shiva sitting quietly next to Seifer�s couch,
watching the odd couple out of patient, glacier blue eyes. Seifer knew that he
owed her a thanks for waking him up, but there would be better times to shower
her with doggie treats; for now, he was too busy taking care of his human companion.
He walked the brunette
into the bedroom where he turned on a light and mutely ordered the dark haired
boy to sit down on the tousled bed. Squall didn�t seem entirely comfortable
with the idea, but he was too worn out to offer any noteworthy resistance. He
sank into the sheets and trained his dull, empty gaze upon the floor, while his
mind was being flooded with painful memories. Squall didn�t know why he had
been able to drown them out so effortlessly only a few minutes before, but now
everything came snapping back to him like a rubber band.
And it hurt � so much.
�Squall,� a concerned
voice in front of him whispered, swaying only slightly. �Do you want some
water? You should drink something.�
Unsurely, he glanced at
the blonde kneeling before him. Seifer�s eyes were so ridiculously green, so
deep and strong that it made Squall feel all the more insecure and detached
from the real world. This guy was obviously interested in him; a kind of
interest that Squall seemed to share but nonetheless did not understand. For
once, he had actually allowed himself to let go of his fears and ignore
what had happened to him in a past that was far from forgotten - only to end up
puking all over Seifer�s fucking bathroom.
He had never felt like a
greater idiot.
�Squall.�
Seifer was still talking
to him, watching him worriedly, until Squall remembered the blonde�s initial
question. Very slowly, he shook his head.
�I don�t want anything...�
�Sure?�
�... Yeah.�
�Okay,� Seifer started
carefully, while pushing himself up from his kneeling position and slowly
sitting down next to Squall. �Then can you tell me what happened just now?�
Squall stared at some
miniscule fuzz balls on the carpet before him and studied them with faked
interest. His head was aching with the strain of trying not to think. He found
himself wanting to look at Seifer, even wanting to lean against him for
support, but he did neither of the two.
�... No,� he finally
answered, his voice grating with tension.
Seifer could literally
watch him clamming up as the bit of trust and confidence that had built up between
them seeped away like sand in an hourglass. The blonde didn�t know exactly what
had happened, much less why it had happened, but the change that Squall
had undergone was worrying him deeply.
�Did I do something
wrong?� he asked, trying to will Squall to look at him by use of sheer mind
power.
It wasn�t really working.
�No.�
�Then what happened? Why
did you break down like that? Did I go too far?�
�No.�
�Fuck, I must have done something
wrong or else you wouldn�t be this way now!�
Squall sighed � a small
sound that was echoing and aching methodically in both of their hearts. What of
all things was the brunette supposed to say...? He wasn�t upset over Seifer�s
approach in the kitchen, but there was no viable explanation for his freakish
behavior that he could have possibly ever presented to the blonde.
None that didn�t
entail the term �rape�. Or �fear�. Or �shame�.
None.
There was nothing that he
could say.
�Squall, I-�
And yet he wanted
to.
�You did nothing wrong,�
Squall interrupted him quietly, while he massaged his forehead with the edge of
his hand. �It�s not your fault.�
�But-�
�Seifer... I... Look, I...
I don�t know what to tell you, except that I�m sorry. I'm sorry... for what
happened, for what I did or didn't do, and for being such a nuisance.�
Seifer blinked at that
apology, but Squall wouldn�t meet his gaze. The brunette seemed to have calmed
down considerably, though he was still embarrassed and haunted by fears whose
nature Seifer could only guess. Gently, Seifer draped one of his arms around Squall�s
shoulder, and even though the dark haired boy tensed briefly at the unexpected
touch, he did not pull away.
�You�re not a nuisance,
stupid,� Seifer stated evenly as he tilted Squall�s head against his chest.
�You just scared the shit out of me when I saw you with that cutter. I don�t
want anything to happen to you, alright? I still don�t know why you do it, but
I like you too much to allow you to hurt yourself again.�
Squall creased his thin
brows at that remark, wondering at its meaning even if there wasn�t much to
wonder about. After all, Seifer had kissed him back there, in the
kitchen, but by doing so he had filled Squall�s mind with emotions that the
brunette didn�t understand and that confused him to a point where he questioned
his own sanity. After all, the only other experiences with physical affection
he had gathered up to that point had been far from pleasant...
In fact, they had been
downright horrifying.
..: �I like you too
much to allow you to hurt yourself again.� :..
�What could you possibly
like about me? I cut my wrists �til I feel like the pain is going to kill me. I
have sex with the man who�s supposed to take care of me like a goddamn
fucking father. I�m a freak, don't you see that? I flipped out even though all
you did was kiss me... even though it was the only thing anyone�s done to me in
a long time that felt good. Of course I had to go and ruin it all... as if I
didn�t know how to handle something like this. After all, I should.
Ngh... Seriously, I don�t even know why you haven�t kicked me out yet. Maybe
that�s just a matter of time. Nobody could ever be this patient.�
�Squall. Talk to me.�
Squall could feel the
other boy�s hand brushing through his hair, gently de-tangling and sweeping
away sweat-drenched strands that coiled like snakes into his face. Somehow,
that gentle, selfless caress of Seifer's put him under the impression that he
had to justify himself and his actions, even if all of his explanations would
turn out to be little more than lies.
It was all he could give,
though, and Seifer deserved at least something.
�I think it was just the
sudden heat...� he started weakly, while performing a vague gesture with his
hand, �Or the blood loss... or me feeling light-headed from the kiss...
probably a bit of everything. I can�t tell you why, because I don�t know.�
�... You didn�t freak out
because I made a move on you?�
�No.�
While he was talking,
Squall tried to ignore the fact that Seifer was hugging him and he focused on
the carpet once more. The blonde was still caressing his smooth, chocolate
brown tresses in that intimate, soothing way, but the sweet gesture only
stirred in Squall the urge to cut off his hair with the next best pair of
scissors he could get his hands on. The bodily contact felt good and at the
same time, it didn�t. It was like someone playing tug-o-war inside his head �
pushing him closer to Seifer only to yank him away again.
Odd as it would be, Seifer
felt the exact same way.
�You�re not mad at me,
then?�
Despite himself, Squall
glanced at the blonde�s face, or as much as he could see of it in his awkward
position in Seifer�s arms, anyway. No, he wasn�t mad. He wasn�t... anything,
really. This night had drained all of his strength and willpower, leaving him
incapable of feeling even so much as tiredness and stupor. He liked Seifer and
he had liked that kiss while it had lasted, but he didn�t want to talk about
why he had suddenly changed his mind and flipped like a hysteric with more
neuroses than any psychiatrist could ever cure.
For the time being, he wanted
to talk about nothing, but he knew well enough that things just didn�t
work that way � especially when you were practically sitting in someone�s lap,
on their very bed of all places.
He�d have to say
something, whether he wanted to or not.
�No,� he finally replied
with a frayed sigh. �I�m not mad.�
He couldn�t see the
involuntary smile that sparked across Seifer�s lips. Despite what had happened
that night and the vast array of questions that inevitably had blossomed within
his mind, Seifer was glad to know at least that much.
Unfortunately, he needed
many more answers of that kind before he could be at peace.
�So... you�re saying you
only tripped out because of all the stress earlier tonight? Then what's the
reason for that stress, anyway? I mean, I don�t even know why exactly you cut
yourself in the first place. I don't really understand any of this, for that
matter.�
�I didn�t �trip out,��
Squall breathed coolly, though he was fully aware of the fact that he had done
exactly that.
Seifer arched a thin,
golden brow accordingly.
�You didn�t?�
With a frustrated growl,
the brunette in his arms attempted to struggle free, but Seifer continued to
root him into place by his shoulders. He just couldn�t help the feeling that
something was odd about Squall�s explanation. He had seen Squall�s eyes back
then, on the kitchen table, right before the brunette had bolted for the
bathroom; to say that Squall had looked downright scared and horrified would be
a blatant understatement.
If he had enjoyed their kiss,
why would he suddenly flip like that?
�Did he
even enjoy it? Now that I think about it, I don�t remember him gettin� hard at
all.�
It was a question worth
asking.
�... Did you like it?�
A frown pulled on Squall�s
fine features in response � it was the kind of question he most certainly did
not feel inclined to answer.
�Why do you have to
ask, anyway? After all... I kissed you back, didn�t I? Of course, that was
before I started barfing and sobbing like a little kid in elementary school,
huh... Whatever. I guess I did like it, but... I really don�t want to...�
�... talk about this...�
�What?�
It took Squall a minute to
realize that he had finished that sentence out loud, and he quickly slipped
free from Seifer�s embrace as if in embarrassment. His hands were kneading his
bare knees now, shifting their hard, cartilaginous caps beneath his skin in a
circular motion.
�Say what, Squall?�
�... Nothing.�
�Nothing my ass,� the
blonde retorted with a grunt. �Talk to me. Don�t just shut off like that.�
�All I said was that I don�t
wanna talk about it.�
�What? Fuck, you can�t
just pretend nothing happened!�
�Says who?�
�Fuckin' hey, I-�
�I�m not pretending that
nothing happened... okay?� the brunette interrupted Seifer almost soothingly.
�I just don�t want to talk about it, that�s all.�
Sighing, Squall pushed
himself onto his wobbly legs. He had endured enough conversation for the night.
He hadn�t talked to someone like this in months, years � hell, he didn�t
think that he had ever bothered to talk to anyone about his feelings or
the state of his mind.
Honestly, he couldn�t even
say what had changed � why Seifer was different from everybody else.
Perhaps it only mattered
that he was.
�Hey. You shouldn�t walk
around yet. Where are you goin�?�
Squall cast the blonde a
curt look over his shoulder and he couldn�t help but feel moved by the open
concern in those emerald green eyes.
�Laying down,� he
answered, trying to keep his voice at a level of monotony.
�... Okay.�
Seifer was feeling so
anxious and nosy - to a point where he wanted to either scream his lungs dead
or choke on a fuckin� watermelon - but he did understand that Squall probably
needed his rest. Cutting, kissing and puking was definitely enough action for
one night. He didn�t know how much he liked the sound of that, but who was he
to judge? For once, this wasn�t about him and what he wanted. He didn�t
know what was wrong with Squall (in fact, he had little to no clue at all), but
he sensed that the brunette needed him to be supportive and understanding.
So he would be.
There�d always be another
morning and another day to ask questions and figure out just what exactly was
going wrong in the brunette�s life. It wasn�t like he�d be able to fix it all in
one night, anyway. He wasn�t usually the type to take things slowly, but just
this one time he was determined to make sure not to ruin a good thing by
demanding too much at once. There was no doubt in his mind that Squall would be
well worth the extra effort.
Meanwhile, Squall had
circled the bed and peeled himself out of his dirty shirt. Seifer found that
the brunette�s skin looked a lot paler than usual, but he pushed the thought
away. After all, who wouldn�t look pale after a night like this?
When the dark haired boy
had haphazardly straightened out the covers and eventually crawled beneath
them, Seifer shut off all the lights and returned to bed.
This time, he didn�t close
the living room door.
As he nuzzled his head
into the pillow and turned onto his left side, he could merely see the outline
of Squall�s body. The brunette was laying on his back, trying to breathe
normally. He had to fend off the memories, the scents and the tastes of this
night and all the nights that had preceded it; he knew they weren�t the same,
but they were similar enough.
This wasn�t the first time
he had lost control and ended up vomiting, either. Usually, he was glad when it
didn�t happen in school, the mornings after... like that one time when Seifer
had...
�...�
�... Shit, your bathroom!�
For some odd reason, the
realization of having vomited all over the blonde�s uppity bathroom had
thrashed into the memory of that one particular morning when Seifer had almost
walked in on him puking his insides out in the school lavatory.
�... W-what?�
Seifer sounded a bit
drowsy, but it was probably confusion more so than it was sleepiness.
�What are you talkin�
about, Squall? What about the bathroom?�
Squall glanced at the
brawny blotch of grey- and blackness still laying curled up in the covers,
shifting unsurely. Was Seifer kidding him? He could have hardly forgotten what
state his apartment was in.
�The bathroom... there�s
barf everywhere... I should clean up,� he reluctantly elaborated after a long
moment of silence.
Next to him, Seifer
breathed a long, low-pitched grunt.
�... Are you fuckin� outta
your mind?�
Squall frowned
disapprovingly at that remark, though the disbelief in Seifer�s husky tone had
been sort of amusing. Nevertheless, the brunette gradually proceeded towards
the edge of the bed, but before he could have set so much as a toe on the
floor, Seifer had already trapped him by the waist and yanked him back with
surprising gentleness.
�Just where do you think
you�re going, huh?�
Growling, Squall attempted
to push Seifer�s hand away � not so much because it bothered him, but because
he felt the need to take care of this. He couldn�t leave a mess like that and
simply go and count sheep or the number of screws he had probably kissed
good-bye that night. It just wasn�t in his, Squall Leonhart�s, neat and
methodical nature.
�I didn�t even flush,�
he protested, but found himself silenced when Seifer gave his waist a more
determined tug and dragged him down unto the mattress, spooned flat against the
blonde�s larger body. �Uh, I-�
�Squall, you really think
I give a shit? I want you to get some sleep and not clean my fuckin� bathroom
at three in the morning. Don�t worry about it, alright? I�ll handle it
tomorrow.�
�Maybe you don�t care, but
I do,� Squall replied testily.
�Tough luck, princess.
You�re staying.�
�But-�
�Look, Shiva ain�t using
it and we can go piss in this one. That�s all that I am worried about as
far as bathrooms are concerned.�
Despite Seifer�s fairly
blunt expression of his opinion, Squall was still bristling against the thought
of not taking care of the issue right then and there. He tried to free himself
of the blonde�s embrace, but Seifer�s arms were like fucking vices. Snorting
with a sort of stubborn frustration, he threw his head into the pillow.
�I don�t like the idea of
my dinner doing laps in your toilet, alright?�
Behind him, Seifer was
shifting with a long, throaty sigh. Squall couldn�t help but flinch when he
suddenly felt the blonde�s nose brushing against his ear and his breath
ghosting his neck.
�Squall, I never thought
I�d say this, but...� Seifer started, his voice rough and low as he breathed a
soft kiss on the brunette�s earlobe, �Shut up.�
With that, he settled as
close to Squall as he could, wrapping one arm around his lean waist almost
possessively. Squall blinked blankly at the wall that was straight in front of
him, not sure whether he should feel insulted or not. Seifer�s touch registered
with him, but this time it didn�t set off any alarms. Some of his defenses had
irreversibly been breached, if only because he was worn out and almost too
tired to remember his own name.
�Shut up� were the last
words spoken between them on that very first night, right before sleep took
them over and frightening memories became meaningless shadows, while they laid
loosely spooned together, weaving dreams of love that might or might not come
true.
... And it felt good.
- 10
- 11
- 12
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Whispered Screams