Holiday Surprises

Disclaimer: Me? Own? Hahahahahahahahahaha!

arning: Outfits, perverted Zack and Reno, frustrated Sephiroth, my random desire for French, and computer puns. Kiba knows what I'm talking about there.

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"Come on Seph," Zack called through the bathroom door, "We want to see."

"I refuse to come out," the General responded, "I like my dignity."

"If you don't come out Rufus will send the Turks to drag you out."

"Then I will kill them all!"

"It can't be worse than what Spiky is wearing," the raven haired SOLDIER chuckled.

"I will kill you all!" Cloud yelled from the kitchen.

"So temperamental today," Zack sighed.

"Yeah well you've got a real outfit," Cloud grumbled as he made his way into the bedroom. The petite blond was in a rather short, rather frilly, French maid's outfit. Zack snickered slightly when he saw the youth, once again grateful that his outfit consisted of a pair of sleek black pants and a bow tie.

"How do I have a real outfit mon cheri?" the brunet asked.

"Wow Zack," Cloud said sarcastically, "I didn't know you had enough brain power to remember French words!"

"Oh shut it," the first class SOLDIER snapped, "I happen to know quite a bit of French."

"Vous etes stupide," Sephiroth called from behind the door.

"Tu es...um..."

"Just because you know a few words does not mean you can say you know French!"

"I hate you sometimes," Zack grumbled, "Now let me see the damn outfit before I call Reno down here to drag your ass out."

"Fine!" Sephiroth snapped.

The bathroom door creaked open and Zack went into a fit of giggles while Cloud just stared. There stood General Sephiroth, conqueror of Wutai, leader of Shinra's army, feared by the entire world, in a speedo...a bright pink speedo. "It's not that bad," Cloud said after a minute, "Makes you look...big..."

"I will behead Rufus and wear his skull around my neck as a warning to all," the silver haired man snarled.

"No you won't," Zack said as he recovered from his laughing attack, "Because then we'd be out of jobs and we need the money to continue the life style we have become accustomed to."

"I will behead Rufus, take over the company, and wear his skull around my neck as a warning to all," the General stated.

"I call dibs on running the weapons department!" Cloud called out.

"I want the weapons department," Zack pouted.

"Zack...," the blond gave him a serious look, "What have we learned about you and explosives?"

"Not to touch them or people die," the brunet said dejectedly.

"Exactly," the blond nodded, "I get the weapons department. Seph, don't think I don't see you trying to sneak off. If I have to go out in this outfit, you have to go out in yours."

"You can't make me," the silver haired male growled.

"Can too," Cloud smirked.

"No, you can't."

"I have the video of-"

"I'll go," Sephiroth cut in.

"What video would this be?" Zack raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing," Cloud smiled sweetly while Sephiroth sent him a death glare.

X_x_X_x

"Ah General," Tseng purred, "So good to see you."

"Touch me and I will rip your arm off and beat you with it while you bleed to death."

"Noted."

"Sephiroth," a voice snapped, "You're late."

"I'm sorry Rufus," the General ground out, "Cloud was taking longer than expected."

"Liar!" the blond in question yelled from the floor where he had been tackled by a redheaded Turk.

"Let go of my Cloudy-kins!" Zack yelled.

"Neva!" Reno screamed as he snuggled into the blond's neck.

"I hate my life," Cloud sighed, "Reno, if you do not remove that hand in the next three seconds it won't be connected to your body any more."

"He's touching you?" Sephiroth snarled.

"Not anymore."

"Don't hurt me," the redhead whimpered as he gave Sephiroth a 'don't hurt me master' pout.

"Then get off my property," the General glared.

"I'm not your property!" the blond squawked.

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Rufus bellowed and the group jumped, "Today is my day after all."

"What was the name of the holiday you made up again?" Zack quirked his head to the side slightly as he spoke.

"Bosses Day," the blond President ground out.

"Oh right," the brunet smiled brightly, "So what do we need to do oh master of the annoyance?"

"Reno," Rufus narrowed his eyes, "Shock him."

Zack squealed as electricity ran through his body before turning to glare at the redhead. Reno wasn't even paying attention, he was too busy fawning over Cloud. "You are just too cute!" he exclaimed as he hugged the blond. Cloud was beginning to look remarkably like a feral chocobo and Sephiroth wouldn't have been surprised if he bit the Turk soon.

"Cloud," Tseng said, "Would you mind helping me with my computer, I can't seem to get it to work."

"Sure," the blond muttered as he pulled himself out of Reno's embrace.

As the pair moved away, Sephiroth turned his attention back to Rufus. "Why are we here and what do you want?" he snapped.

"So hostile," Rufus sighed as he came to stand in front of the General, "You are here today because it is my day and I want some more servants."

"You already have servants," the silver haired man growled.

"Yes...but you're prettier," the blond shrugged, "Basically you're just eye candy for the day. So stand around and look pretty or I'll give you a sucky assignment."

"I hate you."

"Love you darling."

"I like my pants," Zack broke in, drawing the attention of everyone except Tseng and Cloud. "What?"

"You're an idiot yo," Reno sighed.

"Feel these thing," the brunet grabbed the Turk's hand and placed it on the pants, "Silky smooth and light weight."

"Dude," Reno said, "These things are awesome. Are they comfortable?"

"Mhm," Zack nodded, "And they feel great on my junk."

"So you SOLDIERs really do go comando."

"Only way to go."

"I'm surrounded by idiot," Sephiroth and Rufus muttered in unison before the group fell into an uncomfortable silence.

"Well why don't you just press that?" Cloud's voice broke through the growing tension.

"Because then I can't enter," Tseng responded.

"Well, tap shift, then enter."

"Won't work."

"Try hitting it harder."

"Am I the only one who finds this dirty?" Reno asked softly.

"Nope," Zack responded, "You want to hit my entrance?"

"Sure thing, I'd love to tap that," the redhead smirked.

"Well why don't you hit alt and control then enter?" Cloud frowned as he looked at the computer screen.

"Because control alt won't work, I tried," Tseng sighed.

"I'd like to control your alt," Reno purred to Zack.

"Oh baby," the brunet said over dramatically.

"Idiot," Rufus sighed, "So General...look pretty."

"I will behead you," emerald eyes flashed in warning.

"What's that?" the blond said, raising his voice to catch the attention of the entire room, "You want Tseng to help you get that speedo off?"

"My pleasure," Tseng purred suddenly right next to the silver haired male.

"Don't touch me," Sephiroth growled.

"You know you want it," the Turk ran a hand over the General's chest.

"Hey! I said, hey!" Sephiroth backed away with wide eyes, "Cloud, Zack...help me."

"No," Zack smirked, "This is rather amusing."

"Cloud if you help him you're fired," Rufus said.

"Wasn't going to anyway," the other blond smirked.