Holiday Surprises
folder
Final Fantasy VII › Threesomes/Moresomes
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
21
Views:
1,219
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Final Fantasy VII › Threesomes/Moresomes
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
21
Views:
1,219
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Final Fantasy VII, no profit was made from this story
Commercial Time!
So this isn't really a holiday, but I figure it kind of fits into the series so I didn't want to put it on it's own. So I was chatting with Kiba and she misspelled something and I said it sounded like a breakfast cereal. Fictuitos sadist I believe it was. We made fun of it for a while, then rabid plot bunnies bit my muses. While they were foaming at the mouth they produced a wonderful idea of commercials for the Final Fantasy boys. It's so cracky and comedy laden that I'm putting it up in Holiday Surprises.
Disclaimer: Your mom...I got nothing.
Warning: Excessive amounts of crack. If you're not an addict you will be after reading this. Also, a fair number of swears, animal attacks, pissed off SOLDIERS, and kelle611 being an idiot.
XxXxXxXxXx
"Alright!" the short bald man said happily, "Here's the line up-"
"Do we have to do this?" Zack whined.
"Yes," Tseng snapped, "If you don't I have permission from the President to cause you bodily harm and molest Sephiroth without being charged for rape."
The silver haired General stared at the Turk for a moment before taking a quick step back. "What do we have to do?" he asked the bald man.
"You General will be doing cereal and a shampoo commercials. Lieutenant Fair, you will have a sports drink. Mr. Strife, you get to work with animals in a pet shop spot. And Mr...I'm sorry I don't know your last name."
"Don't have one," the redhead smirked, "Just call me Reno."
"Alright Mr. Reno, you will be doing a commercial for the Honey Bee Inn," the fat little man smiled widely, "Let's get you all into hair and makeup."
"If anyone tries to put makeup on me I will stab them through their spleen, rip out their kidney, then force them to eat said kidney," Sephiroth growled.
"...okay lets get most of you into hair and makeup."
"If you put makeup on me I'll bite you!" Cloud snapped.
"No you won't," Zack patted the blond on the head and shepherded him away.
X_x_X_x
"Alright," the director yelled, "Just read the lines General."
"Shinra Flakes are a balanced part of taking over the world," the sliver haired man dead panned.
"...um...the lines we gave you," the little man said uncertainly.
"Shinra Flakes, now with even more unidentified jagged objects."
"You know...the lines from that script we gave you," the bald man glanced over at Tseng nervously.
"Shinra Flakes, no longer makes you vomit!" Sephiroth said enthusiastically.
"General," Tseng said warningly.
"Fine...Shinra Flakes, EAT THEM OR WE'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!" the silver haired man gave his best crazy look in accompaniment of his statement.
The director face planted.
"Shinra Flakes, now with mako burn."
"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Tseng mused, "Too bad I'll have to remove your pants if you don't behave."
"Shinra Flakes, eat them."
"Good enough," the director muttered, "Bring in the hair products."
Several tech hands moved onto the stage and removed the table with the cereal, replacing it with a poster and stand with shampoo.
"Alright General, just say the lines that we gave you and try to be sexy."
"..."
"Um...General...you have to say something..."
"..." Sephiroth glared.
"Don't make me molest you," Tseng warned.
"..." the silver haired man flicked the Turk off.
"Please say the line," the director begged.
"...fuck off."
X_x_X_x
"Alright Zack, this is really simple, just say the lines on the cue card and hold up the bottle," the director said pointedly.
"Okay," Zack smiled widely, "I drink Shinra Sport, the high energy, electronic infused-"
"Electrolyte," the director interrupted.
"That's what I said," the raven haired man frowned.
"No, you said electronic. It's a little different."
"Oh...can I taste this?"
"Sure, why not. We could use a few drinking shots."
The SOLDIER immediately chugged the entire bottle. "Dude! That is fucking awesome! It's like sugar in my veins!"
"DON'T GIVE HIM SUGAR!" Sephiroth yelled from off set.
"Why shouldn't we give him su...gar...oh fuck," the director stared at Zack in horror.
The brunet had started to shake, a maniacal grin on his face as he looked around excitedly. "?" he said far too quickly, "Spiky! Hey Spiky! Get your ass over here!"
"Fuck you Zack!" Cloud yelled from where he was being held captive by one of the makeup girls.
"That's the idea."
"Sephiroth!" the blond yelled, "Do something!"
What followed next was a half hour of total destruction, cadet molestation, and things that could never make it onto TV without an NC-17 rating.
X_x_X_x
"Okay," the director said, his form drooping slightly, "Just say the lines Cloud, just say the damn lines and play with the animals."
"Are you crying?" the blond asked.
"Just say the lines!"
"Okay!" Cloud looked at the cue cards and smiled, "At Joe's Pet Emporium you can find all the animals that you might-mother fucker!" Cloud ripped his hand out of the lizard's mouth and cradled his bitten finger protectively.
"Say. The. Lines."
"It bit me!" the blond pointed accusingly, yanking it back when the lizard attempted to bite him again.
"Say the mother fucking lines you little shit!" the director snapped. He squeaked as a blade was pushed against his throat. "I'm sorry," he said quickly and Sephiroth withdrew the blade.
"Can I have a different animal?" Cloud asked as he gave his cutest pout.
"Sure...get him the miniature chocobo."
A small blue bird was brought onto set and the blond practically melted. "It's so cuuuuuuute," Cloud cooed.
"Say the lines," the director snapped.
"Oh I just wanna cuddle him," the small male moved to touch the bird. The chocobo immediately hissed and launched itself at Cloud. "Oh Gaia! My face!"
X_x_X_x
"Come down to the fuck shack!" Reno yelled.
"...Tseng..." the director said.
"Reno, don't make me hurt you," the Turk commander warned.
"Come down to the Honey Bee Inn and fuck a whore!"
"..."
"Come to Fucky McFuckinstines to fuck a fucking fuck whore," the redhead smiled widely.
"Please say the lines," the director sobbed.
"Here at the Honey Bee Inn we will rape your ass! Like the Don tried to rape Cloud!"
"WHAT?" Zack and Sephiroth yelled in unison.
"Reno...I hate you," the bruised blond growled.
"You know what?" the director said suddenly, "Fuck it, we'll fix it in editing. Get away from me, all of you."
X_x_X_x
"Thank you all for coming," Rufus smiled widely.
"Like we had a choice," Sephiroth grumbled.
"...shock him," Rufus said. Sephiroth yelped as an EMR made contact with his ass. "Alright, so here are your commercials. Shut up and watch them."
The President turned to a TV and started up a video. The group sat back, smirks adorning most of their faces while Cloud rubbed the long cut on his arm with a scowl. The screen turned black for a moment then Sephiroth came into view. "Shinra Flakes, a balanced part of any breakfast. Our scientists specially formulated this cereal to benefit your family. They earn my silver star of approval."
"...what the fuck?" Sephiroth asked, "I never said any of that!"
"We have wonderful editors," Rufus said, "You just wait for the shampoo."
The screen went black again before there was a sweeping shot of flowing silver hair. "Shinra Shampoo," a womans voice murmured, "For silky tresses that are unparalleled." The camera did another swooping shot, this time including a smug looking Sephiroth's face.
"...I hate you," the General muttered as he glared at Rufus. The President just smirked.
"Shinra Sport!" Zack's excited voice broke through the silence that had descended. The group turned back to the TV watching as the raven haired SOLDIER doing squats. "High energy," the image said before the shot changed to him running around like a lunatic. "I drink Shinra Sport!" The logo came up and Sephiroth scowled.
"Why does he get a normal commercial?" the silver haired man snarled.
"Because he didn't threaten to decapitate me on a regular basis."
"Shhh," Zack hushed, "Spiky's bit is up. I can't wait to see how they spin this."
"Joe's Attack Chocobos," an announcer said, "They don't even stop for their own." The screen showed the chocobo headed teen being attacked, screaming like a little girl.
"MOTHER FUCKER!" Cloud screamed and launched himself at Rufus, only to be caught by Tseng mid leap.
"Shut up you guys!" Reno yelled, "Here's mine!"
"The Honey Bee Inn is a fine establishment that has provided quality gentlemen's entertainment and comfortable guest lodgings for the entire family." the redhead Turk smiled from the screen, "It has the Shinra Turk's stamp of approval for safety and security. Come on down to the Honey Bee Inn and you won't be disappointed."
"What. The fuck?" Reno asked as he stared blankly at the screen, "I fucked up those lines so bad that no one should have been able to get something out of it!"
"The wonders of editing," Rufus smiled, "...I'm going to go before you all murder me."
XxXxXxXxXx
Disclaimer: Your mom...I got nothing.
Warning: Excessive amounts of crack. If you're not an addict you will be after reading this. Also, a fair number of swears, animal attacks, pissed off SOLDIERS, and kelle611 being an idiot.
XxXxXxXxXx
"Alright!" the short bald man said happily, "Here's the line up-"
"Do we have to do this?" Zack whined.
"Yes," Tseng snapped, "If you don't I have permission from the President to cause you bodily harm and molest Sephiroth without being charged for rape."
The silver haired General stared at the Turk for a moment before taking a quick step back. "What do we have to do?" he asked the bald man.
"You General will be doing cereal and a shampoo commercials. Lieutenant Fair, you will have a sports drink. Mr. Strife, you get to work with animals in a pet shop spot. And Mr...I'm sorry I don't know your last name."
"Don't have one," the redhead smirked, "Just call me Reno."
"Alright Mr. Reno, you will be doing a commercial for the Honey Bee Inn," the fat little man smiled widely, "Let's get you all into hair and makeup."
"If anyone tries to put makeup on me I will stab them through their spleen, rip out their kidney, then force them to eat said kidney," Sephiroth growled.
"...okay lets get most of you into hair and makeup."
"If you put makeup on me I'll bite you!" Cloud snapped.
"No you won't," Zack patted the blond on the head and shepherded him away.
X_x_X_x
"Alright," the director yelled, "Just read the lines General."
"Shinra Flakes are a balanced part of taking over the world," the sliver haired man dead panned.
"...um...the lines we gave you," the little man said uncertainly.
"Shinra Flakes, now with even more unidentified jagged objects."
"You know...the lines from that script we gave you," the bald man glanced over at Tseng nervously.
"Shinra Flakes, no longer makes you vomit!" Sephiroth said enthusiastically.
"General," Tseng said warningly.
"Fine...Shinra Flakes, EAT THEM OR WE'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!" the silver haired man gave his best crazy look in accompaniment of his statement.
The director face planted.
"Shinra Flakes, now with mako burn."
"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Tseng mused, "Too bad I'll have to remove your pants if you don't behave."
"Shinra Flakes, eat them."
"Good enough," the director muttered, "Bring in the hair products."
Several tech hands moved onto the stage and removed the table with the cereal, replacing it with a poster and stand with shampoo.
"Alright General, just say the lines that we gave you and try to be sexy."
"..."
"Um...General...you have to say something..."
"..." Sephiroth glared.
"Don't make me molest you," Tseng warned.
"..." the silver haired man flicked the Turk off.
"Please say the line," the director begged.
"...fuck off."
X_x_X_x
"Alright Zack, this is really simple, just say the lines on the cue card and hold up the bottle," the director said pointedly.
"Okay," Zack smiled widely, "I drink Shinra Sport, the high energy, electronic infused-"
"Electrolyte," the director interrupted.
"That's what I said," the raven haired man frowned.
"No, you said electronic. It's a little different."
"Oh...can I taste this?"
"Sure, why not. We could use a few drinking shots."
The SOLDIER immediately chugged the entire bottle. "Dude! That is fucking awesome! It's like sugar in my veins!"
"DON'T GIVE HIM SUGAR!" Sephiroth yelled from off set.
"Why shouldn't we give him su...gar...oh fuck," the director stared at Zack in horror.
The brunet had started to shake, a maniacal grin on his face as he looked around excitedly. "?" he said far too quickly, "Spiky! Hey Spiky! Get your ass over here!"
"Fuck you Zack!" Cloud yelled from where he was being held captive by one of the makeup girls.
"That's the idea."
"Sephiroth!" the blond yelled, "Do something!"
What followed next was a half hour of total destruction, cadet molestation, and things that could never make it onto TV without an NC-17 rating.
X_x_X_x
"Okay," the director said, his form drooping slightly, "Just say the lines Cloud, just say the damn lines and play with the animals."
"Are you crying?" the blond asked.
"Just say the lines!"
"Okay!" Cloud looked at the cue cards and smiled, "At Joe's Pet Emporium you can find all the animals that you might-mother fucker!" Cloud ripped his hand out of the lizard's mouth and cradled his bitten finger protectively.
"Say. The. Lines."
"It bit me!" the blond pointed accusingly, yanking it back when the lizard attempted to bite him again.
"Say the mother fucking lines you little shit!" the director snapped. He squeaked as a blade was pushed against his throat. "I'm sorry," he said quickly and Sephiroth withdrew the blade.
"Can I have a different animal?" Cloud asked as he gave his cutest pout.
"Sure...get him the miniature chocobo."
A small blue bird was brought onto set and the blond practically melted. "It's so cuuuuuuute," Cloud cooed.
"Say the lines," the director snapped.
"Oh I just wanna cuddle him," the small male moved to touch the bird. The chocobo immediately hissed and launched itself at Cloud. "Oh Gaia! My face!"
X_x_X_x
"Come down to the fuck shack!" Reno yelled.
"...Tseng..." the director said.
"Reno, don't make me hurt you," the Turk commander warned.
"Come down to the Honey Bee Inn and fuck a whore!"
"..."
"Come to Fucky McFuckinstines to fuck a fucking fuck whore," the redhead smiled widely.
"Please say the lines," the director sobbed.
"Here at the Honey Bee Inn we will rape your ass! Like the Don tried to rape Cloud!"
"WHAT?" Zack and Sephiroth yelled in unison.
"Reno...I hate you," the bruised blond growled.
"You know what?" the director said suddenly, "Fuck it, we'll fix it in editing. Get away from me, all of you."
X_x_X_x
"Thank you all for coming," Rufus smiled widely.
"Like we had a choice," Sephiroth grumbled.
"...shock him," Rufus said. Sephiroth yelped as an EMR made contact with his ass. "Alright, so here are your commercials. Shut up and watch them."
The President turned to a TV and started up a video. The group sat back, smirks adorning most of their faces while Cloud rubbed the long cut on his arm with a scowl. The screen turned black for a moment then Sephiroth came into view. "Shinra Flakes, a balanced part of any breakfast. Our scientists specially formulated this cereal to benefit your family. They earn my silver star of approval."
"...what the fuck?" Sephiroth asked, "I never said any of that!"
"We have wonderful editors," Rufus said, "You just wait for the shampoo."
The screen went black again before there was a sweeping shot of flowing silver hair. "Shinra Shampoo," a womans voice murmured, "For silky tresses that are unparalleled." The camera did another swooping shot, this time including a smug looking Sephiroth's face.
"...I hate you," the General muttered as he glared at Rufus. The President just smirked.
"Shinra Sport!" Zack's excited voice broke through the silence that had descended. The group turned back to the TV watching as the raven haired SOLDIER doing squats. "High energy," the image said before the shot changed to him running around like a lunatic. "I drink Shinra Sport!" The logo came up and Sephiroth scowled.
"Why does he get a normal commercial?" the silver haired man snarled.
"Because he didn't threaten to decapitate me on a regular basis."
"Shhh," Zack hushed, "Spiky's bit is up. I can't wait to see how they spin this."
"Joe's Attack Chocobos," an announcer said, "They don't even stop for their own." The screen showed the chocobo headed teen being attacked, screaming like a little girl.
"MOTHER FUCKER!" Cloud screamed and launched himself at Rufus, only to be caught by Tseng mid leap.
"Shut up you guys!" Reno yelled, "Here's mine!"
"The Honey Bee Inn is a fine establishment that has provided quality gentlemen's entertainment and comfortable guest lodgings for the entire family." the redhead Turk smiled from the screen, "It has the Shinra Turk's stamp of approval for safety and security. Come on down to the Honey Bee Inn and you won't be disappointed."
"What. The fuck?" Reno asked as he stared blankly at the screen, "I fucked up those lines so bad that no one should have been able to get something out of it!"
"The wonders of editing," Rufus smiled, "...I'm going to go before you all murder me."
XxXxXxXxXx