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Snow Drift	By : Resting-Madness Category: Final Fantasy VIII > Yaoi - Male/Male > Irvine/Squall Views: 970 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I don't own anything involving final fantasy 8, nor do I make money from this fanfiction. The only thing that's mine is the take on a plot that's been done by just about everyone.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
July 20th
Balamb Garden was beautifully decorated for the summer festival. The festivities stretched into Balamb Town, which its parked next to. The ramp has been lowered onto the port to allow civilians to come and go into the place as they please - though they have to be cleared. But that's mostly a minor precaution as anyone entering the school is a recognized parent, guardian, or sibling. Streamers hang from homes, balloons are tied to anything in sight; and since this is an event put together by Selphie Tilmitt, it has a touch of little to large suns hidden here and there with the reason being that participants can count them and guess how many there are to win prizes.
Anyone willing to celebrate Summer while still finding time to look out for hidden suns can grab a card from a filing box along with a pen to make little marks upon it to remember the accumulation, or simply write the answer down with their name and turn it in by the end of the festival. The prizes range from really nice to trinkets: earrings, electronics, silly things like flashing yo-yo's or hand-crafted things. As cheesy as the idea was Balambmites were having a ball; loud music blasted from a speaker coming from the Garden, playing tunes that anyone could dance to whether you're old or young.
"Get back here, Sebastian!" Called the child's mother as her silly son dashed about the crowd of townies.
Quistis smiled sympathetically at the woman who passed by her to go after her child. She knows what handfuls are like, she had a large kid to look after once. Speaking of, she wondered where Seifer has gotten off to? Out of all her friends, he's the only one she hasn't seen yet. He must still be in Garden. Ducking her head from an oncoming sway of rainbow colored balloons, the attendant spots Selphie giggling as a guy she's been seeing once or twice hands a stuffed pig to her. Walking over to her overjoyed friend, she felt sort of imposing as the guy suddenly blushed deeply over getting caught ogling Selphie's chest and she bounced up and down while holding her pig up as if the new lion king had been born. He coughed an apology before finding his way away from the two girls. Bravery alone is one thing, but few men are brave when faced with a crowd.
"What a weirdo, right?" Says Selphie. "He has to know my heart is with Sir Laguna." Though she cradled the stuffed animal lovingly.
Shaking her head, Quistis lays a hand on the girl's shoulder. "Honey, let that ship sail."
"Whaat? It could happen... Picture it... a long tidious night; I'll be older, and he'll think of me." She smiled as though it were a fact rather than prayer to Hyne.
"Note the key word 'old', Selphie. He'll only become older as well." She begins to walk along side the, now, moving ball of energy. "He's fiifty nine, isn't he?"
"Is he?" Selphie twist her mouth up. "He doesn't look a day over twenty seven."
"Give or take a well-placed deep wrinkle and streak of grey."
"Why are you being so negative; can't you tell when a girl is dreaming happily." A soft laugh escaped her mouth. "Beep beep." She pops the pig to Quistis's nose. "You seen Squall? I tried looking for him but I haven't seen him anywhere around. It's getting late, and I know how much he likes fireworks."
"I haven't seen him. Did you check the dorms?"
"Yup. He wasn't there."
"Then I haven't the slightest idea."
Passing a booth, the two wave their hands to a man who offered them something sweet to drink from a selection of sodas, juices, and iced teas. Three kids run screaming by with balloons bouncing violently behind them as their strings are tugged by the child they're floating behind.
"I can't believe he spent so much time locked up in his room... You think he'll be all right, don't you?" Selphie picked up their topic of conversation again.
Quistis could only suck in her cheek, offering at least to think about the question. "Irvine was very special to Squall. There's a good chance it'll take up to a full year before Squall starts to act like the Squall we've come to know; it'd be wise not to pressure him to come out of his shell too much."
"I know." Selphie frowned a second. "I just wish losing people was easier. I still think about Irvine, too... He was fun to be around - and Matron was right, he was always quick to help someone." Stopping her pace to nowhere, her head lowers. "I can't help but think that if one of us had gone on that mission with him then... then he would be all right. He'd be here with us."
"I don't know if it would have mattered. He had a fully experienced squad with him, but they were helpless to the matter and we would have been as well."
"Quistis is right." Squall says.
Both girls look as though they'd just been sneak attacked with a cup of ice water down the back of their shirt. They had no idea that they were being followed or listened to. Least of all by Squall Leonhart. Unsure of what to say or do, they could only stare waiting for the explosion or the downfall.
Gun-metal blue eyes flicked around him. "The place looks really nice, Selphie. You did a good job decorating."
"Mm..." She made a sound in her throat before the words actually came out. "Thank you."
Looking between the two of them, he smiled - another frightening sight as Squall never usually offered up even the smallest smile - unless something was really, uncontrollably, pleasent to him. "You guys can relax. I feel... a little better about it all."
"Really?" Selphie eased her frightened expression into a smile. "That's good! I missed you so much." She threw her arms around his torso, resting her head against his chest.
"Really. I... I don't know, spending the day with Zell made me feel a little foolish for just ditching you guys because I was upset." He looked to Quistis when speaking since Selphie's face is buried against his chest; he can feel teary moisture. "I've been selfishly grieving alone while you guys are upset, too; we should be helping each other through the pain instead of adding another missing person to the pile."
Nodding, his relieved blonde friend smiled herself. "That's right."
"I'm just hurt, though, I... I didn't go to Irvine's funeral, and until recently I didn't visit his resting place. He must think I'm a real ass."
"He wouldn't!" Selphie removed herself from whom she considered a true brother. "He knows you, almost better than we do, or even you do yourself... He knows that you'll need time. But you did go?"
"Yeah." He whispered; eyes shading as he recalls what happened afterwards.
Three days earlier.
Laguna Loire was able to leave the presidential palace to visit his son. It was at a very lucky time too. From what little was said over the phone with his wayward son, Squall needed to see him. He wanted to talk. This has never happened before. He was always the initiator. So he was ready to go and be as helpful as possible.
Squall had a meltdown after returning from the cemetery; he told Zell that he wanted to be left alone, then he went insane. He broke things, cursed, cried, punched walls - everything! But most of all he hated... He hated deeply and seriously. And in those three days before Laguna had showed up, Squall Leonhart hated Irvine Kinneas. He hated the way the bastard walked into his life all smiles and smug, as if, he were trying to show him up with cool his demeanor; to top it all off, he'd hit on the girls, making trips very uncomfortable since he had to play the bad guy and babysit the creep! He hated that stupid cocky smile, and that confident way he just would say whatever the hell he wanted without consequence.
Guys like him are - well, guys like him are Seifer, actually. But even Seifer has enough humanity in him to not get into people's hearts while slapping them in the face at the same time with a reality that he can be so reckless that he'd just disappear one day. He lets you know right off the bat what he wants or expects of you and gives you absolutely nothing in return. Anything you feel towards him becomes your own fault. But not Irvine. He gets inside of you and holds you close making you feel so loved and so wanted... Just to do something stupid to let you down - hard.
He refers to anyone with some sweet little reference: darlin, little missy, shorty, pardner. Never once thinking that giving people nicknames might actually sting a little when they're easily dropped onto someone else, when they're actually meant only for you. He continued to flirt with women, though, he's clearly going out with a man. The key thing being that he's with someone! But does Irvine care? No. And does Squall say anything about it? No. Because that damned bastard and his broken little cats smile melts any bit of anger he's managed to summon towards Irvine into nothing.
And Squall hated Irvine's eyes. They're always looking at him with love but there's something missing; every single time they would lie in bed together and talk Irvine would look at him as if asking silent questions or giving silent plead, and yet, he refused to tell what's on his mind - although, true, he, Squall, is also guilty of that. But he at least has a clear cut reason for it, and doesn't hide the fact that he likes to keep things to himself, if he can help it.
But after all the rage and anger, he found himself crying once again; lying on his bed, stomach down, arms folded under the pillow he's resting his head on and he just shut off. All those things he'd spent time and energy hating about Irvine were double-edged. He liked the fact that he endeared people with nicknames, it kept him from being a little embarrassed when one was given to him. He loved his voice and his cocky personality to match. He loved that he was independent and didn't make him uncomfortable by clinging. And the sad plead in his eyes was beautiful. Maybe, just maybe he was thinking about futures where he Squall could just be gone, and he wanted just to drink him in, unaware he's making any sort of expression.
All the "he'll never again" ran through his mind. Even if he moves on, the new person in his life won't touch him like Irvine Kinneas. Not just physically but as a whole. He's not turning a deadman into a saint or God. But, he knows what weight his deceased boyfriend had on his life. That is what is holy and untouchable.
He called his father. He wanted to be around someone who naturally doesn't know what to say, as far as he's surmised from having peeked into the man's life by force of his sister, Ellone. Maybe he could stop the riot. But, he was not available readily. He understood that. Then one day, when Squall was about to hit that anger spike again, his door was knocked upon. He almost fired a shot through the metal obstruction, in no mood for human interaction not from the faculty ready to tell him he couldn't ignore his duties nor from his friends telling him he'd die in his room if he continued on as he was. But Laguna called through it to let Squall know that it was him. He, a near stranger, finally appeared.
"Come in." His voice said no louder than it could go. Luckily his estranged father heard and let himself into the room, the door was unlocked.
After calling for an invite inside, Squall remained lying down. He became silent, despite allowing the intrusion.
Laguna was silent as well, though, he's sitting in the seat at the broken young man's desk; hands clasped together, head dipped, waiting for Squall to tell him why he'd called him there. Truthfully, he was just happy that his son had called him, made contact. Because, yes, the oddity was Squall's initiation. He knew what it was about, it could only be one thing really. But he wanted to wait out Squall telling him rather than just jumping in to try to make it better. Crap, he's never been any good at waiting.
Standing from the seat, he moved to the side of the bed. "Sorry."
Before Squall could figure out what the man was sorry for, he felt the bed dip in where Laguna has taken a seat and then, weird to Leonhart, the President of Esthar situated himself into a position of giving his son a back hug. Squall growled as a warning; for all the good it did, though, because he felt through his back that Laguna only shrugged that he doesn't care and won't move.
"If you're gonna lie around through this than so am I." He explained gently. Releasing the embrace, he repositioned himself and used Squall as a human pillow. He's now lying half-on half-off the bed with his feet to the floor with his back over Squall's and his head just dipped to touching the mattress. Calling Laguna was a mistake, Squall thought instantly then.
Swallowing he asked in a sincere tone. "This is about Irvine, isn't it?"
Squall sniffled. He has no tears only the raw, heavy feeling of sadness in his body, but he nods; face away from the wall so Laguna can't see him in the odd position he's in to see him.
"Where are you?"
Squall seemed to curl in on himself at the question; Laguna felt the tension through his son's back, regardless how little he physically was able to move.
"Anger, huh?" Laguna huffed out a laugh. "I spent a little time in anger, that's for sure. Every time I woke up and remembered how I missed out on the love of my life, I was angry; and though I knew that her absence in my life wasn't her fault at all, I just couldn't stop being angry at her. I wanted... revenge! Emotional revenge for the way her absence left me feeling. I was sad all the time; and that song just kept playing on the radio - especially after she'd passed away. It was damned hard to forget about Julia, and that one night we'd spent together in the hotel room."
Squall can feel little wet dots cooling his back from Laguna's escaping tears after having opened an old wound.
"You may not know this, but I went back to her room that night, and we... well, you know. I felt so stupid for talking her ear off when I'd finally gotten to meet her. I wanted to apologize... and it just sort of happened."
Squall then wondered if that was some sort of confession to how he'd ended up in an orphanage. But he didn't question it. Doesn't have to. Laguna is so lost in the moment that he'd finish whether Squall asked or silently speculated.
"The worst part for me is that the next day when Ward and Kiros and I left. We'd run into some trouble, and I got hit on the head and lost my memory; I would hear Julia's song playing on the radio and the lyrics always seemed so familiar to me.. like a vivid dream or sincere memory. But, the woman that I was staying with kept me from learning about it and its true meaning, until the very last moment." He sighed out his past frustration. It was so minor yet carried so much emotion. "I was so happy, I thought - this is my chance! I'm going to be brave and confess my love to her and marry her... But, I found out that Julia was already married to another man. She was always in the news - well, their relationship. I was angry all over again."
Squall thought about that. How would he have dealt with something like that? Memory loss. Irvine moving on to someone else, despite knowing what kept him away. Would he get his memory back? And if he did would Irvine drop the person in his life to return to what they could have been? No. He doubted anyone would if they were currently happy. Well, no one accept goofy Laguna Loire, who goes after what he wants as hard as he's able. A trait, he can confirm he's gotten from the man. His father went after Ellone as hard as he went after Rinoa during the war. They weren't close enough for such behavior from him, but all his emotional baggage drove him to never want to lose anyone if it could be helped.
"When I'd found out that she'd waited for me; that the song she'd sung was a song for me - as her way of making contact.. I was beyond hurt. I was kept from it... I lost her to some jackass driver... I was mad at the world. I was mad at Julia for not trying harder to find me sooner - I had amnesia! I didn't know what was going on, or where I was... Nor the type of person I'd ended up with." He clenched his jaw. "I only had that small glimmer of who I used to be; and 'Eyes on Me' was trying to jog my memory."
That song Squall must have heard a million times as well. Matron used to leave it playing on the radio. It was the only one of the famous pianists songs that had lyrics. Matron called it beautiful. She said it spoke of a love innocent and sweet. He wasn't so sure. He was too young to understand such romantic feelings. But hearing it again by chance, he understood what she'd meant. The start of it all, a love so innocent.
"She was pregnant, by me, but told Fury Caraway it was his because she likely hadn't known. He found out later, though, through an anonymous source working at the hospital.. He put the child up for adoption. He wasn't about to be shamed nor raise another man's child. He was a general anyway, he didn't want kids - until his daughter, it would seem." He smiled faintly. "I thought her song was all we had, until I found out about you in a letter from Raine, newspaper clippings from an interview with Julia telling me all the things I'd longed to hear... I received it all in the form of a song and timid hidden confession."
"I have Irvine's hat." Squall says quietly roused into conversation. "He would see me in the hall sometimes, and he'd..." His voice breaks. "He would put it on my head and pat it down tight." He shook his head as a smile crept to his mouth, it was as if he was trying to wipe it off as he's not ready to feel what it carried. Joy. "He'd never say anything about it, nothing more than doing it, and continuing his conversation with whomever he was with at the time."
Laguna chuckled. "Don't you hate it when they leave you with little things."
"Yes. ...I've worn it sometimes, but... it's not the same without him putting it there."
"And you hate him for that, too."
Nodding, he released a dry sob.
"But once the anger passes, once the reminders stop haunting you, you realize that you can make it - unless denial hasn't hit you yet. But since you didn't show for the funeral I think it already has. And as the stages wander in and out of you, and no more bargains can be made of when you'll feel better and when you won't, you'll see that you really are beginning to feel better."
"How? How do I live without him? It takes me so long to fully let people in and not feel like at some point I'm gonna get screwed over by them. He does this - how can it get better for me?"
"You find outlets. I chose to travel and write... Anything that would allow me to feel for it what I felt for her. Julia, like myself, loved to travel - she'd told me that - but she couldn't do it as much as she liked. And for me, writing about the places that I've been is like I'm telling her the stories of where I've been, so that in a sense she can be there too." He smiled. "I'd leave magazines for her every time I got a story published. The cemetery staff must think I'm odd."
Squall thought silently about the things that make him feel alive and things that made him feel Irvine.
"How did you two get together?"
"I was asked out by him. Not as a date, at the time, he just jokingly said at the end of it that it was like a date. He'd be comfortable dating me. Me... I was so taken aback by that that I almost didn't realize it that he'd asked me out right after on a sincere dare instead of two friends going to a movie." He scoffed. "It's been my experience that people only wanna screw the imagjne of the persona I've created or they find my cringy because I'm too emo. But Irvine liked being with me on some little nothing level."
Laguna nodded. "Julia didn't mind my weird quirks either. It's because of her I became brave enough to go for my dream of being a journalist instead of a soldier. Do you have anything like that, Squall? Something you can love."
A smile came to his face and he turned his head meeting his father's green gaze at the unusual upside down angle. "He loved those damned birds." He chuckled softly. "They always amazed him for some odd reason. ...He's always joking about this and that," The more he spoke the farther away his new found anger slithered. "But the thing that's always made me smile about Irvine is how much he cared for people - general company; he didn't even care whose, just so long as someone was there enjoying taking in life with him." And it hit Squall like a smack in the face.
Tilting his head to the side a bit, Laguna asked. "Hm? What is it?"
"Can you get up," he shifted on the bed. "there's something that I have to do."
Sitting up his estranged father replied. "Sure, but what are you doing?" He watched as his son grabbed his boots from under the bed.
"I'm gonna take your advice and remember Irvine by doing what he loved to do ...I'm gonna be there for someone."
Squall blinked when hearing his name.
"Come on, Squall, let's win some prizes." Selphie took his hand steering him to a booth.
He allowed her to do this since it wouldn't kill him to tag-along with his excited friend; He just hoped that his news later won't break all their hearts. It took him a very long time to come to terms with what all must be done, to do what it is that he has to do. But in the end it would be for the better - not just for him, but for everyone involved.
"Have you seen Seifer and Zell?" He asked.
Selphie released his hand grabbing a watergun taking aim at a clown with a balloon nose. "Nope. They're probably inside Garden since they're nowhere out here - knowing Zell he's pigging out on the all-you-can-eat hotdog buffet." She giggled at the thought of a puffed up Zell saying that he shouldn't have gone in for that last one, as he rubs his over-sized stomach.
"Do you need them for something?" Asked Quistis. "I can go locate them for you."
"No, it's fine. Let's just enjoy the festival." He grabbed a gun, as well, taking a seat beside Selphie.
The shortest of the blonds in question, just arched his back from the mattress; breaths coming in and out of him in ragged huffs of air. His thighs were actually starting to hurt from the sheer strength from the back of his lover's thighs slapping against his lap. It amazed Zell for a moment how, even when on top, he's on the bottom. But upon opening his eyes he sees the beauty that is Seifer Almasy hunched over him, darkened over warmth coloring his face a bit, his usually well-managed hair a complete mess of long strands hanging forward. Framing his face like a hood, within his lover's massive form.
Zell let out a deep groan; knee bending as his thigh tensed with a shockwave of pleasure coursing through his veins. He wants so badly to run his hands over his lover's smooth, yet, toned torso but his wrist are pinned and his arms are over his head.
The two slipped away from the festivities for an hour to get some alone time. It's been a while for them both. The mood just took over. Zell moaned loudly, back at a curve again when Seifer's muscular calves tense at his sides clenching him securely between his legs. The taller blond raised his hips up wordlessly telling Zell to buck up into him. Body driven by manic lust, he doesn't need to be told twice as he quickly complied, thrusting his hips up into his lover. Seifer tilts his head back in a groan, and released one of Zell's hands to feel and watch the martial artist jerk him off with his strong and nimble hand.
Seifer snickered through a pant that, though Zell's hand is wrapped around his length, with how he's bucking up into his body while jerking him off in sync with his thrusts, it looks as though his boyfriend is pleasuring himself.
Outside of the room Rinoa walked up to the door but paused before knocking when she heard the sounds coming from the other side - amazingly though, because the music from the loudspeaker is much louder in the school than in town. If she'd known that that is what the two men were up to she would have waited a little longer or delayed her searching of the dorms by a good few minutes more. By the sound of it, they would have only taken them that few minutes to wrap things up.
She caught up with the others outside after coming from the Quad where she had been socializing and dancing, having a few snacks and playing a few games; they had decided to have dinner together but they are missing two people. Rinoa volunteered to find them. She couldn't help but wonder if Squall would be embarrassed if he had been the one to find them. Men seem more proud of each other in these situations than women.
When the pants slowed down; she sucked in her nerves then knocked on the door. "Seifer! Zell!?" She had to make it sound as though she'd just walked up or she'd never stop blushing. "Are you guys in there?! It's me, Rinoa!" Listening, she can hear the two scrambling about the room in a hurry. That only made her blush deepen but she tried very hard to school it away and not laugh.
"J-just a minute, Rin'! We're coming!" Called Zell through the door.
It took a good few minutes before the door opened revealing the two blonds of the group. Smiling sweetly, she waved a hand.
"We're gonna have pizza together; and Squall has something important to tell us, so I came to find you." She laughed coyly. "I found you."
Zell laughed as well, though his is more of an: "aren't you cute" laugh. "We were just, y'know, trying to escape the chaos."
Walking past his boyfriend, Seifer says with a roll of his eyes. "She knows what couples do when the door is locked, Dincht, let's just get this meeting over with so we can get back for round two."
Rinoa has to give Seifer points for having no shame as both she and Zell lit up like a red bulb, hers a little more than his when the shorter blond had the guts to say.
"Again?" Before following after his tormenting love.
'I've got to make friends that are a little more discrete.' Thinks the young woman.
The three meet with Squall, Selphie, and Quistis outside under a tent that covers six large picnic tables that have blue-checkered table clothes covering them; and, thankfully, a cheap cushion covering the full length of the wooden bench.
"There you guys are," announced Selphie as if the two had chose to walk up at that time rather than their being found by Rinoa. "We didn't wanna start without you. Look! Squall's here!" She points out the shut-in.
"I wondered what that creepy looking statue was beside Trepe." Seifer took a seat on the other side of the lion. "Are you feeling better now, Princess? I notice you haven't been around the Garden halls since you went out with Dinky - don't tell me it's because you back-pedaled again - that's so weak."
"Seifer." Hissed Quistis, who's across from him.
The ex-knight shrugged. "If you didn't want me to say anything smart you should have cut me off before I finished."
"Seifer's got a point." Says Squall - much to everyone's surprise.
Smiling, Squall's rival says. "See, even Leonhart agrees."
"To what?" Asked Quistis.
"Okay you two! Retreat to neutral corners." Says Zell. "Hyne, Quistis; you and Seifer are starting to verbal fight more than Seifer does with Squall."
Embarrassed Quistis states. "You're right. I'm sorry, Seifer. I'll try to keep myself more composed to your antics."
"Thank you." He grinned triumphantly at his victory.
"Ahaha, I'll get the pizzas. But I'm only making one trip, so you'd better say something if you want anything specific." Selphie pulled her legs from under the table, standing up.
"Meat." Says Seifer. "And lots of it."
"Umm, can you get extra cheese and mushrooms?" Requests Rinoa sweetly.
The others didn't really care either way.
"Back in a sec'." Dashing away, Selphie parted her way to the food line.
Leaning an elbow on the table, Seifer cocked his head to see his rival's face as he speaks. "So what's this news you have to tell us, anyway? And it'd better be good because I'm wasting a lot of good quality time with Zell to be here for it."
Squall only spared his rival a glance. He wasn't going to say anything until Selphie got back. He remained quiet while waiting.
"Here we are." Announced the temporary waitress; Selphie managed to carry four trays back with her, one tray held in each hand and another one tray resting on her short arms across the two, the last behind that. She looked like she were ready to topple over any minute.
"Hold on." Zell got up from the table snagging two from her, setting them down on the table. "There you go, Sel'." He sat back down.
"Thanks." She beamed, pleased by the kindness. Setting her trays down, she took her seat as well.
The seven grab a few slices digging into delicious bite after bite; all silently wondering when Squall was going to tell them what he has to say. Squall couldn't help taking his time eating, but after the third slice was nearly finished he set the remainder of it down then cleared his throat to get their, already peaked, attention.
"You guys... I've quit Garden."
There was silence.
"...Did you hear me?"
They nodded in a mechanical fashion that they heard the devastating news.
"Does Matron know?" Selphie asked.
Nodding, Squall says. "I told her that I can't be a part of the military anymore - not as commander anyway."
"But, why!?" Zell can't believe his ears! What is Squall thinking?! All this because Irvine died? It was a bit extreme in his book.
"Yeah, how can you be so stupid? We're the best gunblade wielders in the whole damned Garden." Complained Seifer. "Who the hell am I gonna spar with now?"
Squall shrugged.
Quistis glared, along with Rinoa. That is what Seifer cares about? Not that they're losing a member of the team, a friend, a brother not just in combat but life. The gang. Where will Squall go? What would he do, if not being a mercenary?
"Seifer you and I can still spar, it's not like I'm going off to die or anything. I've just decided that I need to live a safer life... I've decided that I'm going to be raising Kait."
X x X
Commentary: Thank you so much for your review Jade Almasy. The next chapter will be mostly Irvine... I think. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter, thank you for reading and reviewing if you do.
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Snow Drift