Becoming SOLDIER

Cloud let out a sigh of relief as he fell backwards onto his mattress in his new room. The apartments weren’t that large but they were definitely a leap from the cold cement barracks they had once had to inhabit. The floors were either tile or a soft carpet. The walls had fresh white paint. He had his own kitchen; bathroom, and living room. Sure he had to share the bedroom but it was large enough for two decent sized dressers and two full sized beds so there was little room to complain. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t used to sharing a room already anyway.

Cloud’s lids edged over his tired eyes. He was just grateful to have been as fortunate as to have been roomed with Heero. He had hoped it would be Zack; or at least a part of him did. Another part was slightly grateful that he wouldn’t be rooming with the raven. He still didn’t feel comfortable discussing certain topics with the raven, and rooming with him made it fairly difficult to hide his moments of weakness. Thus he had resorted leaving the room or taking his leave with Heero. Which of course had seemed to make Zack get more and more frustrated with him. He was talking less; and he always seemed a little far off. Especially around Heero and Duo. Why the two bothered Zack so much he didn’t know; and he really was to afraid to ask.

Cloud could only assume that it was because he had made new friends that Zack was a little upset over the lack of attention. He hadn’t meant for it to be like that, but because of what happened…

Cloud’s breath hitched. That feeling never seemed to go away. The blonde unconsciously brought his arms tighter around himself as he shivered. How could he ever tell Zack what happened? It was bad enough that Heero had found out; but in the same sense he was grateful. If it weren’t for Heero…

This feeling; this repulsive feeling that ate away at every fiber of his being. The voices that echoed through his mind from that night. The pain that erupted just from the thought of what had occurred. He wasn’t strong enough alone to chase those feelings away. Heero was someone he could rely on. Confide in; who wouldn’t pass judgment or think he was weak.

He couldn’t tell Zack; there was just no way. There was no telling what Zack would say or do. He had hidden the fact from him. Had lied even. Would Zack ever forgive him? To lie and hide such a dark secret; he knew Zack would be more than just upset. And knowing this alone; what would he think of him? Would he be repulsed? No… Zack wasn’t like that… If anything Cloud had to assume he’d be stuck in one of Zack’s infamous comforting bear hugs till his face turned blue.

He knew he should have been more cautious, but he didn’t need to be reminded of that. Just like he didn’t need to be reminded that things would have turned out differently had Cloud not rejected Zack’s help. Heero understood his need to accomplish things on his own without being looked down upon. And he knew that no one could’ve stayed with him 24/7; what happened happened. There is no changing it; no what if’s. No amount of pity would have any effect on the past. And he needed that stability; that driving force to make him move on and not dwell in the past.

Zack; he knew; would be the one to scold him. Tell him things could have; would have been different. He was sure of it. He was sure Zack would let his emotions overwhelm him. His frustration at not being there; his anger at not being able to rip the heads off the culprits He would pity Cloud; pity. He didn’t need anymore pity. He didn’t need to be reminded that he was weak or foolish.

Cloud could feel the tears start to well in his eyes; the emotional stress along with some lingering physical pain becoming to heavy a reminder for him to push away.

He wasn’t weak; and he could do this. He didn’t need protection. He didn’t need someone to watch over him. He needed a friend; one that believed in him. He had gotten this far; he wouldn’t step back now. Nor would he doubt himself. He was SOLDIER. Part of the elite. In time this would pass; these emotions. Perhaps than he could tell Zack; but not now. Not for a very long time; some wounds would take longer to heal. Others; he wasn’t sure if they ever would.

A cracked sound of a whimper tore at his throat as his eyes burned even hotter. He knew a rebellious tear had fallen down his cheek but he didn’t care to wipe it away. The emotional scars hurt the most; those and the memories. They came to him at random; either in his sleep or triggered without warning throughout his day. He always managed to keep his mask up until he was out of sight. But when he was alone…

Cloud took in a shuddering breath as he tried to satisfy his lungs and calm his breathing. He closed his eyes and tried focusing on pushing the pain back; his raging thoughts. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there. The concept of time escaped him; as well as his awareness of his surroundings.

He hadn’t heard the door open or shut. Nor did he hear the footsteps approaching the bedroom; the sound shifting closer to the bed he laid on. It wasn’t until he physically felt the bed dip next to him for the weight of another body that he was alerted to someone else’s presence. And by than it was to late.

To late to hide his tears; his weakness.

He refused to open his eyes; even as he felt a hesitant pair of hands lifting him into a sitting position next to the intruder. The hands slowly lost their grip as the hesitant appendages moved around his body to embrace him; pulling him in closer to the other’s body.

Cloud couldn’t stop the choked sob as he gripped at the others shirt and quickly buried his head into the others neck as he tried with utter failure to stop the tears from flowing. The other’s right arm held Cloud tight to the owners’ body as the left slowly began to rub the others back; a little unsure at first but quickly gaining confidence as Cloud’s body stopped shaking.

It wasn’t until Cloud had managed to dissolve his sobs into silent flowing tears that spoke very softly, “H-Heero?”

“Hn…,” Heero’s head bowed his lips dangerously close to the side of Cloud’s neck as he spoke again, “Are you alright?”

The hot breath against his neck made his eyes nearly flutter shut; he buried his nose closer to the other’s hair and inhaled. Heero scent soothed him somehow; and he always smelt so good. It was a relaxing. He took another moment before he finally responded smiling softly, “I.. I think… it’ll be ok…”

The blonde rested his head down once more burying himself between Heero’s neck and shoulder. His right hand still gripping tightly on the front of the boys shirt; whereas the left found it’s way around the brunette’s waist. Their upper bodies were pressed firmly against each other as Heero continued to slowly stroke up and down the blonde’s back. The blonde hummed contently as the hand continued to sooth his tense muscles. His tears now forgotten as sleep threatened to take hold of him.

The hand on his back saddened halted, “…Cloud…”

Cloud ‘hm’d as he felt far to relaxed to give up any more effort. Heero however didn’t seemed pleased with the simple response and set his hands on Cloud’s shoulders before pushing him back just enough to look at each other face to face. Cloud blinked a little confused as Heero’s eyes scanned his features; the hands on his shoulders tightening slightly.

“H-Heero,” Cloud asked a little nervously. They were really close. The proximity of their bodies before hadn’t occurred to him before but now it was blatantly obvious. Their thighs were pressed together. Their chest a few inches apart and the most important detail; Heero’s face was so close to his he literally had to tilt his held back to stop Heero’s cobalt eyes from fusing together.

“Hn…,” Heero had meant the simple grunt as a question if Cloud had to guess. Cobalt eyes searched the blonde’s face for a moment; Cloud himself wanted to squirm under the intent gaze. He caught something strange in Heero’s eyes. Something he couldn’t identify, but it was something akin to a look he had once caught Zack using with him on a few separate occasions. Regardless he felt strange under the scrutiny and his heart was beating faster in his chest.

The room wasn’t to bright; he hadn’t bothered to turn the light on and it appeared that neither did Heero. He was glad for that; he knew from the heat radiating off his face that he was blushing.

Cloud bowed his head slightly in attempt to further hide his burning cheeks but his chin was stopped by a loose set of fingers against his chin. They drew his face upright once again to lock eyes with the brunette. This time something else shone through the cobalt orbs. Still unreadable; but more confident and secure.

So soft that Cloud doubted whether or not he really heard it Heero whispered leaning forward to the point were their lips brushed together from the gentle words, “I need to follow.. my emotions..”

Cloud’s eyes grew impossibly wide as Heero’s lips softly met his. The union surprisingly more gentle than Cloud would have thought possible for the stotic boy. Cloud’s heart and mind raced as he felt Heero gently squeeze his shoulder’s in the palm of his hands; almost desperately; anxious to get a response out of the blonde.

Cloud allowed his eyes to fall shut. This contact; it was so different. It felt so different from the bruising lips of those men who attacked him. It felt soothing. The gentle squeeze on his shoulder’s that urged a response didn’t pain him or make him feel pressured. If anything it made his heart warm at just how much Heero needed him to respond. To accept or reject him. It wasn’t fair to leave Heero in such a limbo; he had done so much from the blonde already. He deserved an answer; a respond.

It must’ve taken everything Heero had to be so bold. He was what Duo liked to refer to as emotionally and socially retarded; harsh yes but to a point Cloud understood where the braided boy was coming from. Short of Duo and himself Heero kept to himself. Never bothering to speak with others unless necessary.

It must have taken him so much courage to do this.

The lack of response alerted Heero and slowly the brunette withdrew his lips; his eyes faced down. Cloud could see Heero had taken it as a rejection; it was apparent from the show of a pained emotion swirling in the cobalt depths.

“I’m sorry…,” Cloud was amazed how level his voice was. He slowly opened his eyes and held Heero’s withdrawing hand from his chin and held it back into place. Heero blinked as he looked back up to catch Cloud’s gaze his mouth slightly parted in question.

Cloud’s eyes softened; he really wished Heero had exposed what he felt more often. It really was captivating, “Don’t be..”

Cloud leaned forward to press his lips against Heero’s and the boy almost immediately responded. He took his free hand and tangled his finger’s through the soft spikes of Cloud’s hair. Cloud himself moved closer to Heero and wound his free arm around Heero’s waist playing with the base of his spine.

Heero separated their lips as he pressed his own against the corner of Cloud’s mouth and softly against his forehead; allowing it to linger there for a moment. He didn’t want to rush into anything; knowing Cloud had accepted was enough. Cloud understood and softly smiled gratefully as he allowed his head to rest against Heero’s strong chest. Heero’s arms automatically wrapping around the other’s small frame as he continued to play with the soft spikes of Clouds hair.

“Thank you,” it was something that didn’t need to be said but Cloud felt it necessary none the less. Heero brought his face down to rest against the side of Cloud’s head allowing a genuine smile cross his lips; something he hadn’t truly been able to do in so long.

It wasn’t long till the emotionally and physically exhausted blonde fell asleep. His breathing even as Heero felt the boy’s chest rise and fall gently brushing against his own. Heero soon felt his own eyes growing heavy. It wasn’t so much that he was tired; but the blonde’s presence allowed him to feel relaxed and at peace. He carefully settled them back on the bed without waking Cloud.

Cloud himself curled himself closer to Heero’s body as the brunette slowly drifted off to sleep.

A couple hours later Cloud stirred from his sleep with a quiet yawn. He blinked his blurry vision away as he opened his eyes. A small smile crossed his features along with a pink blush as he realized how he was positioned against Heero in his sleep.

His leg carelessly thrown over the boy’s waist; his arm cross over the slowly rising and falling chest; his head buried between Heero’s neck and shoulder; and Heero’s own arm protectively wound around his body even in the boy’s sleep.

The small smile fell slightly as his eyes locked on Heero’s slumbering features before falling back down to stare at the wall in front of him.

All happy thoughts left him as he realized one grave thing. One thing he hadn’t taken into account. He closed his eyes and took in a breath. The idea of him liking another male; that didn’t really bother him to much. He could accept the fact that Heero was attractive. That he liked the other male. There was something different about Heero that he couldn’t pin point from the beginning; this had to be it.. Wasn’t it?

But that wasn’t what set the blonde’s mind on fire. What made him more nervous than even the moment Heero moved in to kiss him.

What would Zack think?

What would Zack do?

What would Zack say?

Would he accept him? Would he be grossed out to find his male friend; male best friend was attracted to another male. And might possibly be in a relationship with someone of the same sex.

Cloud squeezed a little tighter onto Heero as he closed his eyes and tried to calm his worries. Zack would accept him wouldn’t he? They were friends for as long as he could remember. Surely Zack would understand….

Zack grinned as he calmed his laughter. About an hour ago his roommate had all but announced his arrival; and since than Zack hadn’t remembered the last time he had laughed so much. Kunsel had quite the personality on him. He knew that they would get along just fine; short of Cloud he couldn’t have asked for a better roommate.

Zack smiled as he leaned back into his chair; He just hoped that Cloud and Heero didn’t hit it off as well as Kunsel and himself did. Maybe if he was lucky Heero and Cloud wouldn’t be able to stand living together.

He was broken from his thoughts by the rapid moving hands in front of his face, “Earth to Zack; come in Zack!”

“Heh, sorry zoned out a bit again didn’t I.”

Kunsel whistled, “That’s one way to put it; Anyway I’m going to get some chow want anything while I’m out?”

Zack smiled, “Nah, I’m good. I’ll see you when you get back man.”

“Suit yourself,” Kunsel waved before he disappeared behind the door.

Zack stretched back and set his hands behind his head closing his eyes. Yeah he was sure that Cloud wouldn’t be able to stand stick up the ass 24/7. If anything he was probably going crazy with boredom at this moment!