Holiday Surprises

Disclaimer: -looks around empty room- yup, no ownership rights here.

Warning: I have a food fetish…well, cooking fetish…you get to suffer the consequences.

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Tseng sat on the sofa across from Sephiroth, their eyes carefully locked on one another. The General was holding his wine bottle as if he wanted to bash it over the Turk's head, which he probably did considering that Tseng had groped him a grand total of three times in the fifteen minutes he had been in the apartment. Rufus seemed completely oblivious, watching Reno and Zack playing wii boxing. The redhead was losing and did not seem too pleased about it. The blond President turned his gaze away from the now snarling Reno to the kitchen where Cloud was moving around in an overly stressed way. The spiky haired blond looked over at the sitting group and scowled.

"Will someone help me cook already?" he demanded.

Sephiroth looked over at the blond then down at his bottle of wine as if weighing the pros and cons of leaving his alcohol. Reno wasn't even paying attention, he had tackled Zack and started to punch him for real while the SOLDIER just laughed and informed the redhead that Turks were weak. Tseng seemed to be trying to figure out how to attack Sephiroth without being killed. With a heavy sigh Rufus stood up.

"I'll help you," the blond said.

Silence reigned supreme in the room as everyone stared at the President. "Um…sir?" Reno said uncertainly, "Can you cook?"

"I happen to be gifted in many areas," Rufus said airily, "Cooking is one of them."

"Well I guess it can't hurt," Cloud shrugged, "Will you help me stuff the turkey?"

Zack and Reno both snorted loudly and the blondes looked over at them curiously. "Nothing," Zack squeaked as he tried to suppress his laughter.

In perfect unison the blondes sighed and rolled their eyes. Rufus made his way into the kitchen to help Cloud. "Those two are way too in sync with each other," Sephiroth muttered as he took a swig from his wine bottle.

"They really are," Tseng sighed, switching couches and sitting beside the General. The silver haired male growled at the Turk, pushing him off the couch in one swift movement.

"You know whose turkey I'd like to stuff?" Zack said suddenly.

"I'd like to baste your turkey any day," Reno grinned as he rubbed against the SOLDIER's side suggestively.

"You'd pour your gravy all over me huh?" the brunet grinned, "Oh baby."

"I'd whip my cream all over your pumpkin pie," the Turk started to giggle.

"I feel dirty," Cloud said, frowning down at the ingredients in front of him.

"Oh you know you'd eat it all," Reno grinned broadly.

"Yeah," Zack groaned, "Drink my gravy Cloud."

"Leave the boy alone," Sephiroth growled, "Let him mash his potatoes in peace."

"Those aren't potatoes," Tseng grinned, leaning over the slightly swaying General, "But I know what I'd love to mash."

Rufus groaned as he watched his Turk commander attack his General. "Don't kill or rape each other!" he yelled.

"Great moral support," Cloud muttered as he put a casserole in the oven.

"Oh yeah Cloud!" Zack yelled, "Stuff that pan in there! Make it fit!"

"Why are you doing this to me?" the spiky haired youth yelled.

"Because we can't have anything nice and clean with this lot," Rufus sighed.

"I don't know if it's all going to fit," the brunet SOLDIER said dramatically.

"Zack…it's made to take big loads," Cloud looked down at the oven with a frown and Rufus inwardly groaned.

"Yeah, like the time you made that cake with all the…filling…"

"Was it white?" Reno smirked.

"Yes it was," Cloud shrugged, "Vanilla."

"Wow!" the redhead perked up, "I didn't know you came in flavors!"

The spiky haired blond choked loudly on his own breath, doubling over the counter as if he had been struck. "The frosting Reno!" Rufus yelled at the Turk.

"Mm," Zack smirked, "I'd eat his frosting any day."

"Especially if it cums in flavors," Reno nudged him slightly.

"I hate you all," Cloud sobbed slightly as he dropped to the floor.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!" Sephiroth screamed as he threw Tseng across the room. The Turk went flying across the counter, knocking all the food to the floor, before slamming into the oven.

"Well fuck it," Rufus sighed, "Let's go out for dinner. Cloud, where would you like to go considering that these imbeciles will not be joining us."

"Somewhere that I can get drunk and forget I live with two of them," the blond muttered from where he had taken up residence on the floor.

"Come on," the President held out his hand to the blond and pulled the cadet to his feet. The pair glared at the collected pouting men and headed out the door. "We should have an affair," Rufus said while still within earshot of the group.

"Oh definitely," Cloud agreed, "I'll stuff your turkey."

"No way," the President scoffed, "I'll be stuffing yours."