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Whispered Screams	By : AngryAngel Category: Final Fantasy VIII > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 6957 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VIII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
�Hey. You sure you�re
okay? Does it still hurt?�
Squall rolled his head
sideways on the white linen sheets beneath him, frowning at the noticeably
heavy arm that was draped across his waist as if to anchor him unto the
mattress. Seifer had coaxed him into laying down flat on the bed a little while
ago, only to flop down and scoot up next to him. He had come up with the
pathetic excuse of wanting to massage Squall�s hurting shoulder, when really,
this was mostly about �cuddling.� Squall had to admit that it had been somewhat
comfortable to simply stare at the ceiling, only semi-conscious to Seifer�s
touch, pretending that life was good. Lingering in this room, however,
inevitably brought a scowl to the brunette�s face and a disconcerting darkness
to dampen the luster in his eyes. Squall Leonhart could see the frightening
shadows and famished demons creeping in the corners of his room that were
invisible to anyone else, because nobody else knew what came to pass in the
brunette�s bedroom when the curtains were drawn shut and the silence became as
loud as a gunshot.
�... Squall?�
Flinching when he realized
that he had been zoning out, Squall tried hard to focus on the blonde lounging
next to him instead of the numbness in his heart. Seifer had a look of distress
to his handsome face that he was supporting with one propped arm - a kind of
strain that hadn�t been there minutes before when they had kissed and nuzzled
each other like the lovers they were not.
�What?� Squall finally
said, his voice calmer than he felt.
�I asked if you were
alright.�
�... Yeah. I�m fine.�
This wasn�t the first time
that Seifer had asked, and it wasn�t the first time that Squall had lied. Sure,
the small brunette was doing better than he had been, but in any case, he was
still far from �alright.� The magnitude of his problems was none to be
conquered in a day, a week or, at worst, a lifetime. Then again, he had
never fooled himself into believing differently, anyway.
Nonetheless, it seemed
easier to deal with the pain that he had kept sealed up inside his heart for
years. When he really concentrated on Seifer�s face, he could ignore the desire
of wanting to kill himself whenever he remained in this room for too long,
alone with his memories. Instead of wishing to violently severe his own
lifeline, he�d rather continue to stay curled up in the crook of Seifer�s left
arm, soaking up the warmth of the blonde�s body that was gradually replacing
his own coldness.
�We can�t just stay
like this, though. Mom will be home before long. And... so will he.�
Squall sat up abruptly
without voicing what he was thinking, causing the dumbstruck blonde next to him
to almost topple face-down on the mattress. The younger teen paid no attention
to his perplexed friend; he shook back his dark brown hair and rubbed his still
tear-reddened eyes, annoyed that his skin felt tight and dried out from the
salt.
�I can�t believe I
started bawling like that. How pathetic. It didn�t hurt that much. It�s
not like I�m some little kid or anything...�
�Hey, what�s the matter?�
Seifer inquired with a drawl, his chin still perched on his elbow while he
glinted up at his friend. �Gettin� up already, are ya?�
Squall looked down upon
him quietly and shrugged a wordless, cryptic explanation that was obviously
beyond Seifer�s understanding.
Sighing arduously, the
seventeen year old elaborated.
�My parents will be back
soon.�
This seemed to make
considerably more sense to the blonde, because the former, confused emptiness
suddenly yielded from his eyes and he nodded pensively.
�Oh, right...� he
murmured, his voice almost ebbing away. �Where�re they at, anyway?�
�Work... they just dropped
me off when we came home from the festival and left right after.�
�Oh yeah, guess you
mentioned that something came up at your stepfather�s workplace when we were at
school. Must�ve slipped my brilliant mind.�
�... Right.�
Before Squall was able to
finally scramble off the bed, however, Seifer had clutched his forearm and stopped
him short mid-movement. With a small but calculating smile, the blonde slipped
into an upright seating position and silently inched closer to his dark haired
classmate. Squall returned his intimidating, predatory gaze in a rather
adorably puzzled fashion, even if by now, he honestly should have known better.
Indeed, there was some
sense of familiarity to the way Seifer�s rasp tongue traced his bottom lip
before the blonde gently sucked it between his teeth. He nipped at it for a
moment, before he proceeded to kiss him both gently and demandingly at the same
time. Squall was either too surprised or unwilling to resist, but Seifer�s
large hand hooked around his neck all the same, pulling him in close.
Meanwhile, Squall�s fingers clenched into the mattress as if to oppose the
dizziness that seemed so obligatory at this point.
�S-shit... Why... I...
I can�t even say anymore how many times he�s kissed me... not because it�s been
too many to count... but... no matter how often he does it, my mind still goes
blank.�
Whenever Seifer held him,
kissed him and touched him in places that Squall hadn�t even known were capable
of feeling, it was as if something that had long lain dormant came alive inside
his broken heart at last. Seifer couldn�t know, but his teenage understanding
of romance, though clumsy it might have been, and his seemingly infinite
patience for Squall�s difficult temper were precisely the medicine that the
brunette had been in dire need of; Seifer had managed to take him to a place
where loving another was easy and pain didn�t bind him � at least for a short,
precious while.
When Squall eventually
broke their kiss, a feverish glow had turned the mysterious hue of his eyes
from slate grey to azure blue. Sitting on his shins on the bed, he could hear
his own breath rattling in his lungs and the heat of Seifer�s hands seeping
into his skin like a potion concocted of liquid fire, while his sanity
threatened to abandon him once more.
�I�ve got to... got
to...�
Denying Seifer�s alluring
feel and hypnotic gaze, Squall hastily slid off the bed. His head spun more
than he had anticipated when his feet hit the ground, but fortunately, the
sensation wasn�t too much for him to handle. On legs not quite yet sure, he
stumbled across the room, knowing that Seifer�s attentive eyes were following
each of his movements. He cursed his shoulder for aching and throwing off his
balance, but instead of taking things slowly, he snapped his head up and cast a
pretentious look at his blonde friend, who hadn�t moved an inch from his
position.
�Are you coming, or what?�
Squall barked with an inflection of deliberate impatience, and the strained
bite in his voice caused Seifer to lift a brow.
��Coming� where,
precisely?� the blonde inquired, sounding bewildered.
�Downstairs,� the younger
boy answered. �You should go now.�
Squall�s pragmatic sense
of honesty both amused and irritated Seifer on equal terms. Frankly, he had
hoped for a more obvious display of gratitude than the one he had received �
but instead of being showered with sloppy smooches and clingy hugs from his
damsel in distress, he was being chucked out of the house the moment he was no
longer needed.
�... Man, that�s just
plain cold, kitten.�
Luckily, Seifer could take
the lameness of the situation with a grain of salt; in the end, he found the
concept of Squall asking him for help and permitting their kissing fest on the
bed - which had lasted for several minutes, might he add - to be quite
satisfactory. In fact, Squall hadn�t only permitted it but rather played
a very dynamic part � for the time being, it was probably all the mush that
Seifer could ask for.
Hence, he leapt off the
bed and playfully prowled towards his companion, who was waiting statically in
the middle of the room. His fingertips casually brushed Squall�s left temple as
he walked past, sweeping aside wispy strands of hair that had the rich tint of
chocolate ice cream and carried the familiar scent of cinnamon bark infused by
expensive shampoo.
�Well?� Seifer lilted,
glancing over his shoulder while he passed through the door. �Whatcha waitin�
for?�
Squall's forehead creased
at the blonde�s display of smugness, but eventually, he followed suit. The
parts of his body that Seifer had touched throughout the past hour or so were
still burning hotly beneath the skin, but he wasn�t going to disseminate that
information to the ornery teen; instead, he silently traipsed after the blonde
through the hallway and down the stairs, where Seifer suddenly halted so
unexpectedly on the first platform that Squall could do little but bump face
first into the older youth�s burly set of shoulder blades.
�Ouch,� he winced,
angrily rubbing the bridge of his nose as he took a half-step back and glared
squinty-eyed daggers at his classmate. �Fuck! Don�t just stop like that,
moron!�
Seifer, however, looked at
him with an oddly pregnant air of significance, before he pointed at the
staircase behind Squall�s back.
�So, about what happened,
anyway... You fell down these stairs right here, is that what you were sayin�?�
Hadn�t Squall�s face been
mostly covered by his long, splayed out fingers, Seifer might have wondered at
the hint of panic that flashed across the brunette�s eyes. After the initial
moment of surprise, however, the brunette managed to perform a quick nod,
mumbling evasively as he dropped his hand, �Yeah, I did. What of it?�
�How the fuck did you ever
manage to do that?� Seifer grunted. �You never did strike me as the
clumsy type, ya know.�
�I tripped over the
carpet,� Squall sighed irritably, clasping his bruised arms before his chest
while he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. �It�s not that damn
unusual. Don�t try to fucking tell me that you never tripped, Mr.
Dexterity.�
�... I wasn�t going to.�
�Mind getting your ass in
gear then or what? I�m not in the mood for lectures.�
�Jeez, no need to get your
lil panties in a bunch,� Seifer sighed. �I wasn�t gonna �lecture� you,
anyway. You�re pretty rude, cupcake.�
�I�m not trying to
be polite, okay! And stop making up stupid pet names, jackass!�
Purring seductively,
Seifer clicked his tongue and ran it across the corner of his mouth, perfectly
aware that he had Squall�s undivided attention.
�Make me, cupcake.
I dare ya.�
But Squall only flicked up
his right middle finger and snorted in repulsion.
�Like hell, you fucking
perv.�
While the blonde chuckled
in cynical amusement, Squall was hoping desperately that Seifer would fall for
his cheap diversion and simply forget about prying further for the cause of his
wounds... though judging by the way the older teen fell silent once more and
continued to eye him critically, he was hoping in vain.
�Dammit, what the hell
am I supposed to tell him? He�s not buying into it...�
As Squall was racking his
mind for an answer, Seifer was, too; the blonde was studying the staircase,
Squall�s detached expression and, strangely, the pictures that lined the wall.
While there was a part of him that thought that the brunette�s story just
didn�t feel right, he also had a hunch that he was probably reading too much
into the whole thing. Quite honestly, Seifer had fallen both up and down
several flights of stairs, although he wasn�t particularly eager to come clean
on it to Squall. Sure, he had never seriously injured himself, but he also
believed that he had led a much rougher lifestyle than his pretty,
frail-looking brunette classmate. In fact, he figured that it had to take a lot
less to break one of Squall�s bones than one of his own.
He had no idea how
tragically wrong he really was.
�... Quit staring at me!�
Blinking, Seifer turned
his focus outward and adjusted it to his now distinctly crabby looking friend.
There was a faint streak of flush glowing across Squall�s cheekbones, but his
eyes were as dark as the night. Somehow, the brunette managed to look both
aroused and scared shitless at the same time.
�I wasn�t staring,� Seifer
objected evenly.
Then, he slowly moved his
feet forward and Squall found himself drowned by the physical presence of
Seifer�s body that was suddenly only a breath away from his own. Forcing
himself to pitch his head into his neck and look upwards, the unnerved brunette
flinched at the intensity in the taller boy�s gaze that was smoldering like a
jade green inferno and that didn�t once stray from his face.
�Now I�m staring,�
Seifer informed him smugly.
Squall�s features twisted
helplessly.
�Shut up...�
Sensing that his dignity
and self-control were at stake, Squall spun and made a valid attempt at
sneaking past Seifer, and he might have succeeded, too, hadn�t he resorted to
the same measure of escape so many times before. Rolling his eyes, a very
prepared Seifer simply extended one arm and curled it around Squall�s shoulders
to reel him in with almost comical ease. Squall huffed when his back came flush
with Seifer�s chest and the blonde�s arms engulfed his torso, clearly conveying
that running away was not an option.
�God fucking��
�Listen up, cupcake.�
Squall was squirming at
both the nickname and the way Seifer was breathing down his neck, tickling even
the parts of his skin that were covered by the hem of his shirt. Seifer was
trapping his arms against his sides, although the blonde had no real intentions
of keeping Squall caged if he made an earnest effort to break away. At this
point, however, Squall�s struggles seemed merely obligatory.
�Listen to what?�
Squall spat, issuing an offended groan when Seifer retained the claim on his
body with the use of just one hand, while utilizing the other to caress his
hips and stomach.
�Impatient, aren�t we?�
Seifer snorted, already distracted by the feeling of Squall�s abdominal muscles
hardening through the thin cloth of his t-shirt.
�Yup, he�s gonna make a
break for it. Watch it... I give him about five seconds before he�s gonna snap.
Five... Four... Three... Two...�
To his surprise, Squall
continued to remain in his embrace beyond that ridiculous time window. He was
sulking soundlessly, of course, but he did not run away and his heart continued
to beat calmly in his chest.
�... He�s full of
surprises. I should�ve known.�
�You�re so annoying...�
the brunette murmured, his voice strangely dull and flat, like a knife that had
been used too many times.
�Yeah, I know...�
As if something had
suddenly changed, Seifer slowly loosened his grasp on Squall�s frame. The dark
haired boy was trembling subtly against him, his drooping hands locked to fists
at his sides. Seifer couldn�t possibly tell what he was thinking � a
realization that saddened him much more than he figured it should have.
�I should stop tryin�
to understand what�s going on inside his head. There�s no point. He probably
doesn�t even understand it himself. Whatever scars he has, they run pretty
fuckin� deep.�
It took no psychologist to
figure out that Squall Leonhart was shouldering some major issues, but Seifer
was neither a psychologist nor a mind-reader. He could sense Squall�s sadness,
mistrust and deeply engrained fright, but how was he supposed to know why
exactly the brunette felt the way he did? He was getting slightly weary of
prying for answers that Squall was never going to give. At the same time,
Seifer couldn�t just switch off his concerns, either.
He already cared too much
to make believe that he didn�t.
Smiling when he noted
Squall hesitantly reclining the back of his head into the crook of his
shoulder, the blonde silently hooked one hand underneath his friend�s shirt.
His eyes narrowed at how cold the brunette�s milky skin felt to his touch;
frigid slashes of muscles contracted once more beneath his calloused
fingertips, but still, Squall stayed. He was motionless like a statue, save for
the occasional erratic movement or tremor.
�It�s almost like he
has to keep himself from flipping out. It seems so damn forced somehow...�
Seifer didn�t like that
thought much at all and he would�ve preferred to just discard it for the time
being, but it had stubbornly latched itself in his mind. Once the blonde was
brooding on certain ideas, he found it rather hard to get rid of them again. As
funny as it seemed, the very premature loss of his virginity could probably be
blamed on this character trait of his, too � he had never thought about it like
that, really.
�Yeah, so I was a lil
too hell-bent on finding out about the whole sex thing... who cares? Never
harmed me, did it? At least I know my way around now, thank you very much.
Maybe that�s his problem... he kisses like a damn virgin, anyway. Then again,
who knows, he might�ve had his heart broken before I came along. Maybe some
girlfriend cheated on him? Or he got dumped? Is getting dumped bad enough to be
cutting your wrists over, though? And if it isn�t, then what is?�
�... I�m scared...�
Startled by that
melancholic whisper, Seifer abandoned his train of thought and craned his head
around to glance at what little he could see of Squall�s silhouetted face in
their current position. The brunette�s mouth was a hard, sad line, molded into
a shameful smile. His brows were low over dark blue eyes, half shuttered by his
ivory lids and black lashes. Squall drew a disjointed breath that heaved his
chest against Seifer�s hug and caused it to fall almost hopelessly when he
exhaled.
He looked so broken.
�Scared...?� Seifer
finally repeated tentatively, unable to believe that Squall had actually
conveyed so much as a fraction of his feelings to him. �Of what? Why?�
�I... don�t really know.
Funny, huh?�
Squall chuckled cynically,
masking his true, unsettling feelings. Disoriented, he ran one of his hands
through his hair, careful not to strike Seifer, who was still pressed against
him. He half-expected the blonde to turn him around... to laugh... to think him
childish. Something of that sort. He couldn�t even say what had driven him to
tell Seifer that he was scared � he had simply opened his mouth and done it.
Part of him was trying to distract Seifer from his potentially threatening
ideas, but another was reaching out for some kind of deliverance. Not help,
precisely, but just something to kill the loneliness he felt whenever Seifer
wasn�t close to him. He didn�t need the blonde in his life, but while their
relationship wasn�t dealing damage to himself or those whom he loved, why
shouldn�t he permit it? For a short time, at least? What harm could loving
Seifer possibly do?
�... Any and all.�
His hand found his temple
and he slowly massaged it with his thumb, suppressing the wish to run away once
more. His head was aching with the strain of trying to take account of his
feelings - from not being able to say �yes� to spending more and more time with
Seifer � from not being able to say �no.� He felt so torn apart inside. He no
longer knew what he wanted and he didn�t necessarily think that it was safe to
trust his own judgment anymore, either.
�I really am pathetic.
I can�t even... ngh. God, I�m so fucking sick of this...�
In the end, he came to the
conclusion that he was neither able nor willing to make a decision right then
and there; Squall knew that it was impossible to cross bridges that had been
burnt asunder and he wanted to keep his options open. Too many emotions were
thrashing through his heart for him to properly make up his mind; he wanted
this whole thing with Seifer to stop, but at the same time, he wanted it to go
on forever, because it was all that reminded him that he was still alive and
capable of feeling. He wanted love, he wanted friendship, he wanted hope � but
he also knew that these came with a price far beyond anything he�d ever be able
to pay.
�If I... actually
survive this... I�ll...�
He shook that thought out
of his head before his conscience had a chance to finish it. This was
ridiculous � he had never been one to wallow in self-pity and he wasn�t
planning on picking up any new habits. Yeah, his life sucked. So what? He�d
deal with it like he had learned years ago and in the end, things would be just
fine, at least for those he had chosen to protect.
To Squall, that was
everything there was to it and it was all that truly mattered.
�Actually, it�s not funny
at all.�
�Huh?�
The brunette froze, trying
to understand what he had just heard.
�... What?�
Seifer�s cryptic statement
made no sense to him until he finally recalled his own words from moments
before.
�Oh...�
�Mind elaborating on what
exactly it is that's scaring you?� the blonde added calmly.
�Just... never mind. It�s
nothing.�
�Look, Squall, don�t tell
me you�re scared and then just blow me off,� Seifer snarled softly. �It doesn�t
work that way, alright?�
Squall was twisting
uneasily now � apparently, he had reached the point where blowing Seifer off
and making a break for it actually sounded like the most enticing of options.
�I was just kidding,� he
tried, but Seifer only laughed dryly at his feeble excuse for an explanation.
�Bullshit. You�re not the
kind to make jokes. �Specially not over something like this.�
�It... whatever. You don�t
know me, okay?�
Squall hated how he always
had to explain himself around the blonde; sure, this one was his own fault
because he hadn�t managed to keep his mouth shut, but even so... couldn�t
Seifer just let it go? How could anyone be this goddamn persistent,
anyway?
�Fine, so I don�t know ya.
But hey, gimme a fair chance and I�ll rectify that,� Seifer declared adamantly.
This made Squall pause
once more and it stilled his physical struggles. His face screwed up in
thought, he let his unfocused eyes screen the wall in front of him. Seifer�s
hand was still pressed against his bare skin, tracing arcs and hollows here and
there, while his words gradually sank in with the brunette.
�But... I am
giving you a chance... And I don�t even know if I can trust you. I don�t know
what your intentions are... I don�t know if you aren�t going to fuck me over
the first opportunity you get � or if you�re going to mess up everything I�ve
worked for these past years. I don�t even know who you really are! I know
nothing about you. I don�t know if you�re worth any of this shit that�s going
through my head right now! Truthfully, I don�t know a fucking thing... Maybe that�s
what really scares me the most right now.�
Hunching his shoulders
into a shrug, Squall bit down a gasp over the pain that hadn�t yet dissolved
completely from his joint. When Seifer wouldn�t budge despite that obvious
movement, Squall turned his head so far backwards that he almost got a kink in
his neck, only for the possibility to send a death glare his companion�s way.
�Everyone�s scared of one
thing or another,� Squall explained, the cool maturity in his voice trying to
conceal the pretense beneath. �What�s the big deal?�
�I don�t give a rat�s ass
about �everyone�,� the blonde retorted. �What are you scared of?�
The smaller boy continued
to glare up at him for a moment, before he suddenly cracked one of his rare,
deceiving smiles that were little more than a volatile twitch by the corners of
his mouth.
�Monsters in the closet
and vampires under my bed. Spiders, roaches, snakes and that Ellone is gonna
grow up to marry some retard who�s gonna be my brother-in-law,� Squall rattled
off all the clich�s that spontaneously came to his mind, although his tone
faltered slightly when he spoke about his beloved sister. �There. Satisfied?�
Seifer gazed upon him
blankly without saying or doing anything for a long, long time. Squall couldn�t
determine whether the tall blonde was thinking on any specific subject or if he
had flat out fallen asleep with his eyes open and his arms hooked around the
brunette�s lean waist like iron vices.
Well, either way, he was
stuck and he didn�t like it one damned bit.
�Excellent! Crowbar,
anyone?�
Surprisingly, the brunette
found little need for such crude utilities in order to regain his freedom,
because during that second of time when Squall found himself longing to leave
the blonde�s embrace, Seifer wordlessly withdrew his hands and backed away from
him. Squall arched an eyebrow at the suddenness of the gesture and the serious
frown dragging on the blonde�s handsome features; unsure of what to make of it,
he simply let Seifer pass when the older youth brushed by him to descend the
stairs.
�What the hell...?�
�Seifer?�
He had blurted out the
boy�s name before he had even fully decided on saying anything at all. To his
astonishment, Seifer continued to stalk down the steps without heeding his call
or turning at least once. The blonde�s gait was fast and sure, but seemed
hectic at the same time.
�Why is he...?�
Not used to being stood up
like that, Squall�s natural curiosity kicked in and he swiftly decided to
follow his classmate to find out what on earth was going on, because he
certainly wasn�t able to catch on to the issue by standing around like a
retard. He was beyond the point where he saw the need to pretend that he didn�t
care � or so his shaken psyche was talking him into believing right now. In any
case, he shuffled down the stairs after Seifer, who didn�t pace himself until
he had reached the foyer.
�Hey, what... where�re you
going?� the brunette asked in a rushed tone of voice. "What's up?
Why�"
Squall�s boots made a
squeaking noise on the marble tiles when Seifer stopped unexpectedly a few feet
before him and the younger teen was forced to copy the blonde�s actions in
order to avoid a repeated collision. When Seifer swung around and Squall caught
a glimpse of the annoyed, pissed off look on his face, the brunette couldn�t
help but stun backwards, his azure blue eyes widening to saucers.
�Why... I don�t get it,
why does he look so mad?�
�Seifer��
But Seifer swiped out one
arm to silence him, and effectively so. All sound faded from Squall�s lips when
Seifer shot him a venomously green glare and heaved a sharp, impatient snort
while he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
�What... did I do...?�
Seifer seemed to decipher
that question in the nervous lines of Squall�s face and the way in which the
brunette retreated from him very slowly, because something in his expression
changed. Whether for better or worse, Squall couldn�t possibly say, but at
least the blonde looked semi-willing to explain himself.
�Look, Squall,� the blonde
finally pressed, trying to keep his voice leveled, �Just for the records and to
get this straight once and for fuckin� all � I�d rather you keep your
stupid mouth shut than straight out lie to me with a fuckin� grin on your
face!�
Baffled, the dark haired
boy ultimately quit moving altogether and stared at Seifer with an air of
honest confusion, his arms dangling limply at his sides in such a fashion that
he almost couldn�t feel his shoulder aching. Then again, perhaps this absence
of physical pain was to be blamed on it having been swapped for the emotional
torture that had erupted in the left side of his chest.
Right now, it really
didn�t matter.
�W-what... Wait a minute,
I didn�t...� Squall stammered, his brittle voice hushed and the course of his
thoughts aimless. �What the hell are you talking about?�
Squall bristled against
what he had just heard � both because he didn�t fully understand Seifer�s
unexpected mood change and because it seemed so outrageously unfair. Just what was
Seifer accusing him of, anyway? He�d really been trying � he�d been enduring
Seifer�s closeness even though it always caused his fears to flare, and he�d
tried to answer each of the blonde�s questions to the best of his best ability.
What the fuck more was Seifer asking from him?
But instead of offering a
reply or explanation, Seifer presented him with yet another question.
�You wanna know what I�m
scared of?�
The brunette gulped at the
piercing and challenging edge to Seifer�s tone, but even if the blonde�s temper
put him more at unease than he would have ever freely admitted, Squall
eventually brought himself to nod a meek, intimidated affirmative.
�I�m scared of graveyards
because they�re nothing but a collection of depressing memories that are meant to
drag you down with them. I haven�t been to a single graveyard since I was ten,
even though plenty of my close family�s kicked the bucket already... Yeah, I'm
scared of tombs. I'm scared of a lot of things. I�m scared of getting
lung cancer and decaying completely in a matter of a couple months like
my grandfather did,� Seifer pressed, his eyes burning into Squall�s with the
brightness of dying stars. �I�m scared of getting HIV because I�ve slept around
so much it�d probably justify as fair punishment. But most of all, I�m
scared of getting attached to some snotty brat who doesn�t give a rat�s ass
about me �cause he�s so fucked up inside that he isn�t even capable of giving a
damn about himself! I�m scared because I don�t know what the fuck
I�m supposed to do with you, okay? One minute you look like you�re fine, the
next you look like you wanna take a knife and fuckin� kill yourself right in
front of me, and I don�t know how to deal with it! No one would! This is
fucking insane! You put up so many goddamn walls around you that I don�t know
if I�ll ever get through to you and it scares the shit out of me �cause
I�m fuckin� falling in love with you, you stupid, ignorant little fuck!�
If Squall had previously
harbored any kind of thought at all, it had been completely bleached from his
mind. Shocked, his lips moved to form silent words that he never managed to
give sound to. He felt so helpless standing there, listening to Seifer pouring
his heart and soul out before his feet. The blonde�s eyes were glazed over and
he was panting at an amazingly fast pace, staring at Squall with a wildness
that resembled that of an untamed beast.
Meanwhile, Seifer watched
the cornucopia of emotions flitting across Squall�s delicately stark features,
finding that none of them appeared particularly soothing to him. In fact, he
had rarely seen the brunette look so thunderstruck and his eyes so barren.
�Tsk... Goddammit...
Damn this shit... DAMN IT!�
Seifer had tried so very
hard to stay cool and refrain from snapping like anyone else in his position
already would have, but instead, he had gone ballistic and yelled things that
he already regretted; he hadn�t meant to say all this, much less spew it into
Squall�s unsuspecting face, but perhaps he had overestimated the precise range
of his patience.
Opposite of him, Squall
was still much too shaken to even produce a logical thought. Scraps of Seifer�s
verbal detonation whirred frenetically through his mind, but like a puzzle
missing vital pieces, they made no sense whatsoever. His own skin felt like wax
to him when he clawed his fingernails into his palms, digging for some
desperate jab of pain that would anchor him to reality, but though he actually
scraped off the first layer of skin, even those fresh wounds didn�t succeed in
driving out the numbness that was taking over him.
In the end, he heaved a
cracked, defeated sigh and sank down upon the foot of the stairs behind him,
unable to do anything but listen to the pounding of his own blood in his ears
and the lingering fragments of Seifer�s anger. Through this haze, he wondered
how he could�ve ever been so ignorantly satisfied... how he could have honestly
assumed that Seifer would be able to handle all of his moods and ticks as if it
was the most natural thing in the world.
When he lowered his face
into his hands, Squall wanted nothing more than to murder his heart, mind and
soul before they would be consumed by something he couldn�t explain... a force,
so powerful that he felt he was going to be crushed by it. This wasn't his
world anymore, this wasn't what he had learned and known. At this point,
everything had become so overwhelming that he just couldn�t take it anymore.
Seifer watched him, seized
by a hybrid of pity and shame. His fragile companion had collapsed like broken
doll, unable to bear the burden of Seifer�s pent up emotions. Now he cowered
there on the stairs, trembling and hiding behind hands that were tainted with
blood that was crimson like a red moon.
It saddened Seifer like
very few things in his life ever had.
�I think... I wanted
too much... too fast... I suppose I just kind of... lost it. I might have
ruined everything...�
He didn�t know what to do
now, but driven by the will to fix as much of the damage as he could, he slowly
approached his hunched over friend, whose shoulders were shaking gently with
smothered sobs.
�Squall,� he started
quietly, prepared to accept whatever punishment might come his way. �Listen,
I... I�m... sorry. I-I went too far. I shouldn�t have yelled at��
�No.�
He fell quiet again,
surprised that Squall had cut him off with a voice so shaky it would hardly
hold. The brunette had lowered his hands and was looking back at him now, pain
painted all over his face in thin, violent splashes of scarlet. Still, there
was a strange kind of determination flickering in his narrowed eyes that were
bloodshot, but untouched by tears.
�Squall...� Seifer
repeated skeptically, parted merely by two or three steps from his friend who
looked so shook up that the blonde wanted nothing more than to comfort him.
�No... I don�t wanna hear
it,� Squall whispered croakily, one hand in the air in an unyielding halting
gesture. �Don�t make excuses. Just don�t...�
Those beautiful features
that Seifer had been in love with since the very beginning were curling openly
now, because the barriers that the blonde hated so much had forsaken Squall at
last. Neither of them could handle being on this rollercoaster of emotions, but
they were both averse to the much too simple solution of capitulation. They
were stubborn and proud, each in their own ways, just as they were confused by
their feelings and the feedback they got from the other.
Seifer was watching the
younger boy out of insecure emerald eyes. The usually stoic, expressionless
brunette had dropped whatever defenses he had erected about himself over the
years, only because Seifer had snapped and lost his temper. Squall looked so
defeated... as if everything he had ever believed in had been twisted in his
hands.
�Why do I always have
to go around fucking everything up? Why? What�s wrong with me?�
Seifer couldn�t know,
however, that the angry words he had hurled at the brunette had probably been
the most honest and healthy ones that Squall had ever gotten to hear in his
life. He was suitably traumatized by the blonde�s emotional intensity,
certainly, but watching the older teen�s cool-guy fa�ade being wiped and
replaced by something infinitely more vulnerable had also caused some of
Squall�s fears to level out.
He wasn�t the only one who
was intimidated � he wasn�t the only one who was scared.
�Scared... I... I
almost...�
Again, Squall changed his
focus from his own, inner world to Seifer�s face. The blonde was staring at him
in alarm, as if he was expecting him to either break down in tears or fling the
next best heavy object at him.
But that wasn�t his
intention...
�I...� Squall choked
tentatively, glancing at his faintly bleeding palms before returning his gaze
to Seifer. �I�m scared of you... I�m scared of... being betrayed... I�m scared
I won�t be... that I won�t be able to... to...�
He tried to complete that
sentence, but for all his strength and bravado, it was still too difficult. His
eyes had started to sting again like open wounds and he couldn�t swallow. His
chest was so excruciatingly tight, he almost couldn�t breathe. It hurt far too
much.
Too much.
He couldn�t take it.
�I... I...�
As he clawed for words
that wouldn�t come to him and that his swollen throat would never hold in the
first place, his heart was flooded with relief when he heard the muffled sound
of footsteps and finally felt Seifer sinking on his knees before him. The
blonde said nothing; he simply leaned into Squall and wrapped his arms around
the brunette�s back, holding him so close that their ribs almost splintered
like fragile twigs.
�I�m sorry...� Squall
winced, burying his face in Seifer�s shoulder. �I�m so sorry...�
Seifer pressed his hand on
the back of Squall�s head, but he remained silent. Even if he had known exactly
what to say, he probably would have chosen not to. There was a time for words,
but he understood that this wasn�t it. He had ran his mouth enough for one day,
and in the end it had only made him realize just how much he truly cared for
this guy. Every single syllable before and after �I�m falling in love with you�
had probably been too much, anyway.
All he could do now was
show Squall that there was no need to be afraid any longer.
- 16
- 17
- 18
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Whispered Screams