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The Pursuit of Pleasure	By : ArdwynnaMorrigu Category: Final Fantasy VII > Het - Male/Female Views: 1130 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Warnings: In
addition to what came before, this fic now contains
potty humor, a bad Spaceballs joke and a Sickeningly
Sweet Couple. The events in this fic are acts of sheer
idiocy and should absolutely not be attempted at home, or anywhere else.
The Pursuit of Pleasure
Stage Two: Arousal
"Don't take all
night, pretty boy," Ethel looked him straight in the eye. "Flash the
stash and I'll give you the cash."
Sephiroth
frowned. "Listen, lady, there is no way in all of HELL that I'm going to
drop my pants for twelve gil!"
"How
about fifty?"
The swordsman nearly
exploded. "No, you old bat! Get this through your thick, grey head!
There's only one woman I'm getting naked for tonight and since she's not here
right now, my pants are staying on!"
"Hmph!" Ethel grumbled. "Suit
yourself."
Sephiroth
grinned smugly but was interrupted from his superiority trip by a hand that
made itself busy caressing his bicep. He looked down
to see that said hand was attached to the pink-sweatered
menace that was Irene. She noticed his look and gave him a disturbingly
sweet smile.
"You know,
dear," she began, "I think it's absolutely adorable that you're so
dedicated to your girl."
Sephiroth
scowled and yanked his arm away. "Dedicated, my ass!
I just want to ride her like she's an S-Class chocobo
all night long."
"Good luck with
that, then," Ethel grunted. "From the looks of things, she's not
letting you ride bareback and you can't afford a saddle."
It was at that
precise moment that Sephiroth's last frayed nerve
decided to snap. The swordsman's chest heaved as he gathered his breath. His
fist tightened around his sword and his mind caught fire. So what if he did not
have his wallet? Perhaps the same thing that had gotten him into this
pants-dropping pickle could get him out of it. He grinned and his eyes took on
an Evil Glow.
Without warning, he
swung the Masamune up to Henry's throat. "Get a
big bag," he said slowly, "and give me all the condoms you
have."
The old man squeaked
with fear. "Whatever you say, young man. Just
don't hurt me."
Sephiroth
smirked with satisfaction. Then he felt another brush against his arm. He
looked out of the corner of his eyes to see Irene tapping his bicep again. She
looked up at him questioningly. "Honey, are you really robbing this
place?"
He looked the little
woman straight in the face with an expression of classic exasperation.
"What does it look like I'm doing, woman? Of course I'm robbing the place!
Now would you mind stepping back while I conclude my business?" He turned
back to Henry and tapped the shaking man's chin with the sword. "The
goods, if you please."
As Henry quakingly reached for a bag, the little old lady stepped
back, shaking her head. "Oh dear, oh dear. Honey,
consider what you're doing. Robbery is a serious crime!"
Sephiroth
rolled his eyes. "So are arson and murder and I've already done
those."
"It's a
shame." Ethel shook her head at him. "You're cute but you're just
another doped up, store-robbing street punk after all."
Sephiroth's
eyes narrowed and he whirled Masamune to her neck.
"I am NOT a street punk!" Ethel did not move. In fact, her only
response was the strange glint of fluorescent light off her glasses. Sephiroth could have cried from frustration. "How the hell can you possibly not flinch at this?" he screamed
and waggled the blade at her neck.
"I am
flinching," she said. "My neck bones are just slow from
arthritis."
Sephiroth
groaned again and looked skyward, silently asking for help from the Great and
Merciful Fat Chocobo above. Irene tapped him on the
arm again. "I was just wondering, dear, since you're not particularly
attached to this girl you keep talking about, you wouldn't by chance happen to
be interested in becoming a raping store-robbing street punk, would
you?" She looked up hopefully.
Sephiroth
backed away. He felt his back hit the counter and spun around. "Are you
done yet, Henry?" The old man shook his head. "Well, hurry it up
then! And throw in something for an upset stomach too."
The mention of an
upset stomach set off every one of Mama Irene's squishy-soft maternal
instincts. "Aw, what's the matter, honey? Your tum-tum hurting you?"
Sephiroth's
faced crumpled with a pain that was not in his stomach.
Irene grabbed his
arm again. "Do you have diarrhea?"
Sephiroth
let the Masamune fall and banged his head straight
down on the counter.
"Oh my,"
Irene said. "It's gas, isn't it, honey? I'm
always irritable when I've got gas."
Sephiroth
straightened, bleary eyed and pushed beyond the point of anger. "I've had
it with you two," he gritted out quietly and stormed off down one of the
aisles.
The women stared at Sephiroth as he went. Henry let out the second greatest
sigh of relief in the recorded history of the Planet (the first being that
released by one Vernon Wilkes, a Rocket
Town native who
perpetually suffered from a condition commonly known as 'The Shits', upon
finally reaching the porcelain pitstop after a run).
Henry's sigh was premature, however. Sephiroth
returned with his arms full of pantyhose.
"What, you're a
cross-dresser too?" Ethel asked. Sephiroth gave
her a deranged grin and stretched a pair of sand beige stockings in his hands
like gangling wire.
"Oh my,"
said Irene. "Are you going to do what I think you're going to do with
that, honey?"
It turned out that
was exactly what Sephiroth had in mind. In less than
two minutes he had both sweater-clad tyrants securely tied up on the floor.
They were quite cooperative during the entire process.
Ethel nodded
grudgingly as he finished the last knot. "I'll say this for you, boy. You
know how to handle your hose."
"Lots of
practice," he said and stuffed a rolled-up stocking in her mouth to gag
her. Then he went back to forcing Henry to fill up the bag.
It was while the
swordsman had his back turned that Reno
returned to pay his bill. The first thing the redhead saw was a pair of
helpless old ladies sitting on the floor, bound and gagged, with nylons, no
less. He knew immediately that something was up. He whipped out his cell phone
and started typing in a text message.
�Sweetheart,� he
typed �Something's going on here. I think someone's holding up the place.� He
ducked down behind the mops and waited for a reply. �No, it's ok. It's probably
just some street punk. I'll handle it.� He waited some more. �Hey, baby, don't
worry,� he reassured his boyfriend after the latest message. �I might not have
my nightstick with me but there's brooms here.� A
string of punctuation showed up on the screen. �Relax,� Reno typed. �I know how to handle a rod.�
With that, he shut
the phone off and took a big, black broom from the rack. He edged up to the
very end of the aisle, adjusted his grip and with a feral yell, leapt into
battle. He swung out before he looked and the end of the broom connected neatly
with Sephiroth's head. Henry shrieked and fell to the
floor. Sephiroth looked at the space where the old
man had been, confused. He turned around, looking dazed.
"Seph, what are you doing?" Reno was incredulous. "Are you the one
robbing this place?"
"Mmhmm," Sephiroth nodded.
"I'm taking the condoms. And some antacid."
He looked at the pair of very calm bound captives on the floor. They seemed
quite comfortably restrained. It gave him ideas. "And pantyhose."
"What the hell
are you doing this for? Don't tell me you forgot your wallet." Sephiroth gave Reno
an odd look. "Okay, you forgot your wallet." He walked over to the
counter where his own bag lay and rustled through it. He pulled out a box and
offered it to Sephiroth. "Here you go. All legal and paid for, on me."
Sephiroth
stared at the proffered box for a while, then reached out and took it.
"Thanks," he said simply.
"No
problem," Reno
replied and busied himself untying the elderly women
on the floor. He pulled the gags out first before he went to work on the
bindings.
"Thank you,
young man," Irene began. "I'm glad you talked some sense into your
friend."
"He said he was
going to have his way with us," Ethel grumbled, disappointed at the turn
of events.
Reno stepped back and stared at Sephiroth in disgust. "You sick bastard."
Sephiroth
held his hands up in defense. "I said no such thing!" Reno kept staring at him.
"I didn't! And besides, what's with you giving me these condoms
anyway?"
"Take what you
get, Seph. Beggars can't be choosers." The Turk
went back to untying the women.
"I won't feel
anything with these on," Sephiroth complained.
"I'm not planning to spend all night banging on the back door,
freak!"
Reno whirled on him. "You're calling me
a freak? You're the one who was planning to steal sugar from a woman old enough
to be your grandma!"
"I was not, you
fudge-packing twit!"
"Hmph!" Reno
snorted. "All this blatant homophobia. Sounds like someone has repressed tendencies to me." He
turned his back on the silver-haired man. Sephiroth
turned a fine tomato color with rage. Before the day Nibelheim
was razed to the ground, it had been well-known throughout SOLDIER that turning
your back on an angry Sephiroth was a very big
mistake. Reno
was a Turk though, so he didn't really know that.
Sephiroth
leapt and tackled the redhead to the ground. Fists flew, clothing ripped, teeth
were bared and before the Turk realized what had happened, he had lost his
jacket and Sephiroth was strangling him with his own
shirt. Reno,
unlike Sephiroth, actually had been a street punk at
one point and knew very well how to fight dirty. Despite his hazardous state of
oxygen deprivation, he managed to reach down and gently slip a hand into Sephiroth's pants.
"What the hell
do you think you're doing?" Sephiroth shrieked
and scrambled backwards.
Reno grinned. "Come on, Sephy-baby! Things are pretty good on the dark side of the
Schwarz." He pounced. Sephiroth yowled and they
both went rolling across the floor in a wild tangle.
"You
know," Ethel mused as she watched the fight, "this is one of the best
wrestling matches I've seen in a while."
"Forget
that!" Henry bounced up from behind the counter. "We have to do
something to stop them!"
"We could throw
jello on them," Irene suggested.
The bare-chested
wrestlers rolled by again and Sephiroth managed to
get the upper hand. He smashed Reno's
face into the floor and kept the Turk pinned down. "I've got you
now," he said with the trademark Evil Grin on his face.
"OW!" Reno turned his face
sideways. "Enough is enough, okay! You win! Get off me! Hey, what are
doing with that?" Sephiroth had busied himself
yanking the belt from Reno's
waist since the pantyhose pile was not in reach. The swordsman grinned as he
pulled the Turk's hands up to tie them. "OW!" Reno yelled again. "Stop it! That
hurts!"
As luck would have
it, just at that particular moment, Reno's worried boyfriend was sneaking up
the aisle and the sight of his slender lover half-dressed, face-down on the
floor and crying out in pain set every last one of his protective instincts in
gear. He charged and slammed his fist into the culprit's face.
Sephiroth
rolled backwards three times before he came to a stop. He caught his breath and
sized up the new opponent. "Rude?"
The tall Turk picked
Reno up off the
floor and turned around. One eyebrow rose above the rim of the sunglasses the
man wore, despite the hour. He turned back to Reno with a questioning look.
"Yeah, it's
really Sephiroth," Reno explained. "The rumors were true.
He really did become an asshole during the Nibelheim
mission." Rude filed the information away in his head, then
stroked Reno's
cheek. Reno
nuzzled up against his boyfriend. "I'm okay, sweetheart. Really, I
am."
"Awww! How sweet!" said Irene.
"Mmhmm! Give me a tall mocha frappuccino
any day!" said Ethel.
"Oy," said Henry, and he went into the back room to lie
down.
Rude gave his
boyfriend a tight hug and then turned his questioning look on Sephiroth.
"He stuck his
hands down my pants!" the swordsman fumed.
Rude took off his
sunglasses and looked at Reno
with 'Kicked Puppy' written all over his face. "I only did it because he
was strangling me," Reno
explained.
"He accused me
of having latent tendencies!" Sephiroth yelled.
"He's a
goddamned homophobe!" shrieked the redhead and Rude turned a dark look Sephiroth's way.
"I am
not!" Sephiroth exclaimed in his defense.
"I just don't want to have to take crap from anyone," and at
this point he looked around for the suspiciously absent Irene and Ethel,
"when all I want to do is get a helmet to equip my private so he can storm
the trenches tonight!"
Rude looked at Reno, who shrugged. Sephiroth lunged over the counter for the bag Henry had
dropped. He grabbed it, swung his way back up and turned triumphantly just in
time to be hit in the chest with the contents of a jello
cup.
"You're right,
Ethel, lime really is his color!"
Sephiroth
looked down at his gelatin-covered skin, aghast. "What the hell is
this?"
"You don't like
lime?" Ethel asked. "Pop the cherry, Irene."
"Dammit, NO!" Sephiroth
yelled, waving his arms frantically. "Look at me! I can't go out covered
in goo!"
"Well, we can
get it off you," Irene offered. "It's a shame to let good food go to
waste!"
"Mmhmm," said Ethel. "Especially since jello's one of the few things I can eat without worrying
about my dentures coming loose." Two pairs of glasses glinted under the
fluorescent lights as the old women approached.
Sephiroth
kicked his sword off the ground and into his hand. "Back
off, you two! If anyone's licking jello off me
tonight, it's Aeris!"
"Aeris?" Surprised, everyone
turned to look at Rude. "Hey, now if you're getting to clean her pipes, I
can understand why you're anxious to get to work!"
"Rude!" Reno was wide-eyed.
"You talked!"
Rude, being Rude,
paid no attention to the stares he was getting. "Aeris�man,
that babe is HOT!"
"Rude!" Reno whined.
"I'm
serious!" Rude said. "That honey's packing back, especially for a
white girl!"
"How come you
never say anything nice about my butt?" Reno pouted.
"Dude, go for
it!" Rude pumped his fists in the air. "Do that lewd infusion! A chance
to grease a girl like that doesn't come along everyday." He and Sephiroth high-fived
each other.
"I heard she's
a real psycho when her Aunt Flo's in town," Reno said sulkily.
"Nah,"
Rude countered. "Tseng just started that rumor because he wanted to beef
her taco and she laughed at his enchilada."
"Well,"
the redhead allowed, "he is hung like a light switch."
"As nice as it
would be to continue poking fun at certain executive staff members," Sephiroth cut in, "I really do have to get back to my
Act of Darkness." He secured his sack and his sword and made for the door.
He was halfway across the parking lot when he was stopped by the arrival of
flashing lights and glaring sirens. "Oh, what now?"
"Damn,"
Rude shook his head when he heard the sound. "I forgot. I called the cops
before I came in."
"Oh,
dear," Irene said as she moved over to the window. "I think our boy's
in trouble." Ethel, Reno
and Rude all lined up beside her just in time to see Sephiroth,
who had been caught off guard and pepper-sprayed within an inch of his life,
getting a pair shiny new bracelets and being shoved into the back seat of a
jailhouse limo.
"You
know," Reno
mused, "I really didn't think he'd go down that easily."
Ethel snorted.
"He probably wouldn't have if he'd been thinking with something other than
his divining rod."
"Oh,"
Irene groaned in disappointment. "We never did get to see how divine his
rod was." Both women sighed.
"You
know," Ethel said, "we can't really leave him alone now. They're
going to put him away and you know what can happen in the lockup to a boy that
pretty."
Irene nodded.
"You're absolutely right. He needs our help more than ever now." She
turned away from the window. "How much bail are we willing to stand
now?"
Ethel concentrated
for a moment. "If rubbers are a peep show�I'd say this is at least worth a
conjugal visit or two." The old women exchanged knowing smiles and hurried
out of the pharmacy.
Reno winced as he watched the two women
leave. "I'm beginning to think Sephiroth had the
right idea gagging those two."
Rude put his
sunglasses back on and did not say a word.
TBC...
A/N: For
anyone who didn't quite get the warning up top, DO NOT tie
people up with pantyhose in real life. It cuts off circulation.
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The Pursuit of Pleasure