Tulips Are Better

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

/Lyrics/
-Thoughts-
*Dream Sequence*

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*Fingertips slid up and down his sides, the barest of whimpers leaving his lips. Gods it felt so good, but he couldn’t see, he couldn’t reach out. The barest of movement into the touch and it was retracted. Tears spilt from the corners of his eyes as pain exploded through his lower back, and they were kissed away in the sweetest way, “..Shh, Otoutou, it’s okay, it’ll get better, I promise…” And then there was movement, the pain was fading until it was just the barest of tinge that only helped highlight the pleasure, fingers were gripping unseen shoulders…*

/What are we all living for?
If nothing’s worth dying for tonight./

“Otoutou..” Kadaj whined and brushed away the touch, wanting nothing more than to go back to the embrace of his dream lover, another touch was shied away from, “..Nhhh…” Unwillingly, the teen’s eyes flittered open to view the amused look on his elder brother’s face, “Wha, Aniki..?” He muttered sleepily, swallowing back a rush of nausea and tears at the small, darkened patch of skin on the other’s shoulder, “You were moaning, I could hear you clear from my room.”

/Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love./

Even though his heart was broken, the teenager was sad to say his hormones were still intact and quite active, “Kuso!” Shoving his laughing brother away and bunched his blankets up and gave him a glare fit to kill, “How’d you get into my room?!” The teenager snapped, using his embarassment as a good cover for the anger that was welling up.

/That’s worth laying down my life./

“You were making…sounds…” Another snicker, “I was worried, so I unlocked your door, it was quite a simple lock to pick.” The elder brother was hammered swiftly over the head with a heavy pillow, “GET OUT!” Kadaj cried, threatening with anything he could get his hands on, including a shoe, a pack of gum, and a vase, “NOW!” Yazu ducked behind the door, laughing through it, “If your sheets need washing, just throw them in the hamper in the bathroom.” He called through the door, answered with a harsh, “Screw you!” in return.

/Sing along,
Just like they taught us./

Eventually the teen had calmed down enough to make his bed, sheets just fine and clean since his elder brother had interrupted the dream before it could get anywhere good, even if Yazu had been one of the key players, not that the other knew that. Settling against the wall beside his marred window, he stared out at the cloudy sky, quite content with the shadow of oncoming rain, “I don’t think I could have stood for a nice day.” He whispered, dragging a fingertip along the webbing that trailed through what remained of the glass. Taking in a long breath, he drug a hand through his hair and pulled back, hoping against hope that the blonde would be gone, at least long enough for him to spend time with his brother; he hated his elder, yes, but he still loved him as well.

/It’s soothing your mind this lullaby
No heaven above us./

Pushing off the jeans he fell asleep in, he replaced them with a pair of PJ bottoms and headed out of the room, mentally making not to get a different lock, preferably a deadbolt, to keep Yazu out of his room. The floor was cold on his bare feet and the house was almost fully silent but for the gentle hum of voices from the TV downstairs and the random tinkling of some time of silverware on ceramic. Kadaj expected something to change with his new knowledge of Yazu’s relationship, expected the sky to fall, or the earth to shatter, but everything was the same, even Yazu, as he sat there, a crossword puzzle in one hand, pencil settled behind his ear while he sipped from a mug of tea, was the same. And in the same picture, Kadaj would usually find himself interrupting the peaceful scene by sneaking up and scaring his brother, or jumping into his lap to vie for his brother’s attention with the puzzles that the elder seemed to love. And eventually Yazu would drop the puzzle book and curl his arms around Kadaj’s waist, share his tea and laugh at whatever stupid show would be playing on TV. Yazu was his best friend, his elder brother, and his first love. Now he was the first one to break Kadaj’s heart.

/Just mile after mile of empty sky./

In the back of his head, Kadaj wanted nothing more than to carry on in the same way he used to, wanted to pounce his brother and tease him, innocently flirt. But it all seemed wrong now, he supposed that was the only thing that changed. Instead, the teen found himself slipping into the kitchen to make his own tea. Then moving to sit on the other end of the couch, swallowing the sweet tea against the bitter taste of tears in the back of his throat. Yazu noticed the change and put down the crossword puzzle to eye his little brother, “Otoutou?” He questioned.

/No wrong or right./

“Hmm?” Kadaj murmured, sipping further at his tea, he was almost afraid to talk, he didn’t trust his voice. “Are you okay?” His brother asked, the man’s head tilting slightly, wisps of silvery hair falling over one questioning eye. “Of course, why do you a..ask?” His voice broke on the last word, and Kadaj mentally cursed himself and his weakness. Tears bit at the corners of his eyes and he swiftly lowered his head to sip on his tea once more, hoping against hope the other didn’t notice, “You seem upset, Kadaj, I know something’s wrong.” Yazu slid closer to his younger brother’s side and slid an arm around his waist, drawing the smaller boy into his lap and cradling him close. The teen resisted minimally, head bowed low over his teacup, “I’m fine.” Kadaj whispered, clutching the cup close.

/Can you imagine?/

Yazu frowned darkly and nudged his younger brother’s shoulder, head shaking, “..Don’t lie to me, Kadaj, what’s wrong?” The teen attempted to swallow against the lump in his throat, “I just…I…I want someone…to love me.” Kadaj stuttered out, settling the cup of tea on the coffee table and attempting to get out of the lap that held him prisoner, it was getting hard to breathe. “I love you, Otoutou…” Yazu offered, tightening his hold on his seemly-squirming brother and further trapping the boy. Panic welled up in the teen and he began to fight, wanting to get away before he choked on his tears.

/A world where there’s no more need to cry./

“Kadaj…!” Yazu shouted as the boy finally freed himself with a harsh elbow to his elder brother’s chest, taking off for the back door and the creek. All Kadaj could think about was breathing again, was crying where no one could see him, he didn’t want anyone to see that weakness, but it was getting hard to prevent his tears the longer he stayed in the hold of a brother, and only a brother…never ever a lover.

/But no joy or passion./

Taking off barefoot through the grass, Kadaj stumbled, glancing over his shoulder as Yazu pulled open the door, taking off after the younger sibling. Tears escaped and ran down the boy’s cheeks as he stumbled down the steep slope to the creek, splashing through the water and stumbling on the mossy rocks. He just wanted to get away, why did Yazu have to follow him? Why couldn’t he just leave him the hell alone?!

/Its seems that the price is much to high./

By the time Kadaj had climbed out of the water, Yazu was on him, pulling the small boy into his lap as they settled on the muddy, cold bank, both covered in droplets of water. “Kadaj, what is wrong with you?!” Yazu asked worriedly, attempting to keep the boy close as Kadaj struggled to hide his tears, “I…I just..I..” -Stuttering…weakness…I’m so weak, no wonder he can’t love me…- The teen though dejectedly, collapsing weakly in the hold the other held on him, simply sick of fighting, “I seen you. I seen you and Strife.”

/But I am holding out for something real…/

Yazu alternated between shocked, confused, and worried, studying the way his brother was reacting before cradling the other close, “Kadaj…what did you see?” He whispered against his younger brother’s hair, allowing the boy to cuddle close to his chest and hide his tear-stained face against his neck, “..You and him…yesterday in your bedroom.” Kadaj murmured, if he had been less emotional, he probably would have blushed a bit at the mention. Yazu stiffened slightly against him before cradling the boy close to him, “Oh Kadaj…just because me and him are together doesn’t mean I love you any less. You’re my brother, I’ll always love you.” Anger boiled within Kadaj’s chest, replacing the ache that had built since last night, “Not like that, Yazu..!” The teen snarled, drawing back away from the elder to glare at him, Yazu looked a bit taken aback at the sudden shift in attitude.

/And though you offered peace
What I really need comes to so much more./

“I LOVE you, Yazu.” Kadaj shot, eyebrows drawing together as he glared, “Don’t you get that..?” The elder brother continued to frown at the teen, looking the slightest confused, “I love you too, Kadaj, I really don’t see what your problem is.” Fingers clenched into fists, and all Kadaj wanted to do was to lash out at his brother, to -make- him understand, to make him hear what he was saying. Tears slid down his cheeks, a lost look passing over the boy’s eyes before he shifted and, without thinking, lashed out, pressing his lips to his older brother’s.

/Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love that’s worth dying for./

Teeth clashed at the force that Kadaj put behind the kiss, his first kiss, hands settling clenched in the shoulders of Yazu’s shirt. For Yazu’s part, he was silently staring into Kadaj’s desperate eyes, stunned mind noting the difference between his own and his brother’s eyes. The teen’s eyes had flecks of emerald and silver within the jade depths, while he own were closer to emerald and a deep sea green. The desperate look in Kadaj’s eyes, and the slow drawing back that the teen was doing woke Yazu from his musings; the elder’s eyes slid just and he gently returned the kiss, keeping it chaste, but wanting nothing more than to see a smile back on the young boy’s lips. Slowly Kadaj drew back, a small blush on his cheeks, fingers twisting uselessly in the material of his brother’s shirt.

/You say that you're a dreamer
Well I’m a dreamer too./

Breathing mingled, eyes never breaking the gaze. Kadaj was still looking desperate, wanting nothing more than the fairy tale romance he’d always read about, for the one he loved to sweep him off his feet, to never leave him, to love him forever. Tears were pricking at his eyes, building further with each passing moment. “Yazu…I…” The teen started, moving to slip out of Yazu’s lap, tears sliding down his cheeks. Swiftly, Yazu’s arms tightened around his little brother’s waist, “Otoutou, you’re not listening to me.” The man whispered against Kadaj’s ear, cradling him close once more, “I love you. In every way. We’ll always be together, you’ll always come first.” Gently stroking a few damp strands of hair from Kadaj’s cheek and pushing them behind his ear, he gave a gentle smile, “…Always. I’m quite capable of loving both you and Cloud.”

/But I wont sing your lullaby
However well intentioned./

-You couldn’t just stop...could you?-, Kadaj questioned his brother mentally, eyes settling on a tree just off to the right of Yazu’s shoulder, “..Okay.” Kadaj murmured, managing to keep the pain from his voice, and even offering up the smallest of smiles. Both moved slowly to their feet and Yazu aided his brother back up the hill, heading for the house and a warm set of clothes. The teen had almost bitten clear through his tongue in an attempt to stifle his tears, he followed, his hand clasped in Yazu’s long fingers. Just the touch, it made him ache; hurt deep in his chest, as if someone was forcing air into his heart, forcing it to press against his lungs, losing his breath.

/Its neither good nor true
The pallid dream is just a lie./

Eventually they were both warm and clean again, sipping on newly made tea that burned the back of Kadaj’s throat, but helped him rein in his emotions, bowls of ramen noodles cradled in their laps. His tears faded with the cool unemotional, detached feeling that began spreading through him. Smiles were easy to fake when you felt like you were floating. He was able to laugh with Yazu and cuddle against his side, but he was cold inside, numbed fully. At first the feeling scared him, made him panic, but then he welcomed it, it was a nice difference to the painful ache that had taken residence in his body since yesterday.

/But I am holding out for something real…/

Eventually the sun went down once more, eventually Yazu’s eyelids began to droop, eventually Kadaj mentioned bed. A small kiss was pressed to Kadaj’s forehead, the ache erupting into a fierce pain, so fierce it stole his breath and he couldn’t even manage a goodnight for Yazu in return. The man smiled at him and tapped his little brother’s nose, totally unaware at the pain growing in Kadaj’s eyes, the detached acceptance. As the elder brother turned away, Kadaj leaned on the door jamb, taking in a breath through his teeth, “I love you, Yazu.” He whispered. Yazu paused and smiled over his shoulder, pushing open his bedroom door, “I love you too, Otoutou.” He said, gently shutting the door behind him. The click of the door resounded through the hall and echoed in Kadaj’s ears. He found himself sliding to the floor, whimpering softly.

/And though you offered peace
What I really need comes to so much more./

The pain was building to a thundering in his ears, tears were drifting down his cheeks. He wanted the pain to stop. The detached cold was spreading, but not quick enough, and the boy found himself stumbling to his feet and drifting down the hall towards the bathroom. Bile was rising in his throat, and he lost his dinner just as he made it into the bathroom. Tears burnt at his eyes as acid burnt at his throat. When he had nothing left in his stomach, he was able to wobbly drag himself up to the sink and wash out his throat. Fingers tugged open the medicine cabinet and he was greeted by the sight of bottle on bottle of different things. Old painkillers for Geostigma. Sleeping pills. Headache medication. One, two, three bottles were set in front of him, a paper cup was tugged from the holder beside the sink. Giving the bathroom door a once over, he began to open the capsules and dump them into the cup, stopping only when the cup was almost half-filled with powder upon chemical from the little pills.

/Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love that’s worth dying for./

Fingertips trembled as he filled the remaining space in the cup with water, using the bottom of his toothbrush to stir the powder as well as he could into the water. The cup lifted to his lips and he paused to stare at his reflection. Everything flashed before him. The gentle kisses he’d seen Yazu and Cloud share, his brother moaning in pleasure beneath the blonde, the secret smiles. The memories drifted back further when they finished fighting, when Jenova’s hold had faded on the three brothers. The gentle caresses that Cloud and Yazu had always shared, how he was too young and naïve to human sexuality to realize. Tears drifted down his cheeks and he tossed back the dangerous mix of chemicals, swallowing hard, and refilling the cup, quickly swallowed down. The cup fell into the sink, and robotically Kadaj moved from the bathroom, pausing at his brother’s door. A sad smile lit his lips and he pressed his palm against the door, “…I hope…he makes you happy…Yazu…” He whispered softly, trembling gently, “…I love you…so much.” The teen drifted past the door, and into his own room. Door was shut and locked, a piece of paper withdrawn from the drawer, a shaky hand scrawling over the piece before he slowly laid down on his bed and curled up, tears staining his pillows one last time.

/What are we all living for
If nothing's worth dying for tonight?/

The paper fluttered, tear-stained and smudged upon the nightstand as it’s writer lost itself to the chemicals. “…Yazu, I’m sorry, I can’t tell you how sorry I am…I love you so much, but I don’t think I can handle…I can’t watch you two together. I don’t ever want to make you choose…not ever, so I‘m making the choice for you….I’m so sorry…”