To my Valentine.

Dear Vincent,

Geez! You’re so creepy, man! How does someone stay in a coffin for thirty years? You’re either psycho or stupid. Is that even comfortable? Well, whatever. I really hate you. You act like such a smart ass and you’re always depressed. It makes me wanna be depressed! Keep it to yourself for once, Goth Boy.

Your long story made me wanna take your gun and shoot myself with it. You’re lucky I didn’t, ‘cause it’d be on your conscience! I should sneak into your room and play some kind of prank on you where you think I’m dead and it’s all your fault. Haha! That would be a laugh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

So anyway, Vinnie...
I know you hate being called that, so I’m gonna call you that from now on. I hope it annoys you. ANNOYS YOU! That’s right. That’s how much I hate your guts.

Speaking of guts, you suck in battle, too! You’re totally weak! I’m a girl and I do a better job. Then again, it doesn’t take any real skill to shoot a gun. You pull a trigger and WHAM! You got yourself a wounded monster. It takes skill to do what I have to do. But I guess I can’t blame you too much, Vinnie. You were locked in a coffin. Man. I still can’t get over that.

And you have an obsession with a dead woman. Leviathan! Get over it. She’s dead. I just don’t understand how you can want someone who doesn’t want you back. What a stupid thing to strive for. You’re never gonna get what you want, so why bother? Why don’t you use all that mind power you got that you’re using on your dead girlfriend to focus on your damn aim?

And what the hell is with your limit break!? You better not go near my room when we stay at any inns. I don’t want you thinking you can just come in and have your way with me. Geez, you’re such a perverted old man! Oh yeah. About the inn... you better keep away from my room, Vinnie! There’s no way I’ll let you off easy if you try to pull anything. Your monster things may be scary, but I have sharp Wutai weapons! I’m tellin’ ya, Vinnie, they hurt.

Oh yeah, and can you even control those things? The monsters, I mean. You better. I won’t hesitate to kill you if you lose control. Man, just thinking about it irks me. You trying to pound us to the ground, and me saving the day! Then I can have all your materia. It’ll be mine! So yeah, ‘bout those monsters... How the hell did that happen? You’re such a freak, Vinnie!

And another thing. You ever considered a shower? You know, thirty years in a coffin doesn’t sound too hygienic. Your hair is grossness! Wash it or something, Vinnie. Looking at it makes me cringe. It makes me want to rip it all out from your head. Your clothes smell like dust and old smelly basements. Hmm... I wonder why...? Well, it doesn’t matter why, the point is that you should do something about it.

And at the inn back in Nibelheim, I thought I was gonna shoot myself, again. You guys wouldn’t let me have my own room. Well, I didn’t wanna share a room with the likes of any of you! You’d all probably try to steal my materia. I wouldn’t put it past a shady guy like you to try and cop a feel while you were at it either. You looked really pissed when I threw a tantrum about the rooming thing. Good. I did it on purpose. I knew my loud yelling would annoy you. You probably think I’m selfish, but it’s all tactics! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Wow. I wonder what the rest of this damn journey is gonna be like. All I really want is your materia. You can do whatever the hell else you want; I don’t care as long as I get it. I can see it now. I’m gonna get stuck with you in one of the parties and you’re gonna be nagging at me for something. I think you told me my aim was off with my shuriken, but that’s a load of crap snacks! You’re just a blind old geezer. What do you know? I swear.

I guess we’re gonna fight that Materia Keeper soon. I can’t wait till it’s over. I’m gonna tell Cloud to swap you for someone else. Someone stronger than you. Like Tifa or something. She can sure pack a punch! Beauty and brawn, that’s what we need in this group! Not some self-loathing hippie toting a gun. This group doesn’t need anymore depressing stuff. It’s bad enough that we found some crazy guy trying to bring back his dead mother, now we have to deal with someone like you trying to “atone” for everything he does wrong. Hey, Vinnie, if you accidentally missed the bowl, would you try to atone for that, too? I wouldn’t put it past ya.

So yeah. I wanna tell you again how much I hate you. Man, you’re lucky I’m not really sending this out to you. You’re lucky I’m not mean enough to tell you all this to your face. You’d probably cry because such a gorgeous babe like me would reject you. Just listen here, you stay outta my way and I’ll stay outta yours, got it?

Damn. I’m gettin’ kinda tired. I wanna go to sleep, but I really wanna keep writing about how much I hate your stinkin’ guts! Hey! I got something else to poke fun at you for.

BOOTS. I hate your damn boots! I mean, how do you walk in those ugly things? They’re hideous! They made me just actually use the word hideous! That’s how bad they are. Where did you get your fashion sense? Or are you gonna blame that on a mad scientist, too? Pathetic. I guess he gave you that tacky cape, too? Figures. You’re always covering your face with it. What are you doing under there? Maybe you’re hiding herpes. EWW!!! Grossness! Vinnie, you need to start practicing hygiene.

Oh yeah, and I can’t mention the boots or the cape without that arm. I wonder, is it easier to pick your nose with it? Seriously! I wanna know! Okay, okay, that was a bad question to ask, but can you still cut a piece of meat while holding a fork and a knife? Just a thought. I’d laugh at you if you screwed up. Yeah. I said it. I’d laugh at you. You don’t deserve any sympathy anyway. You’ll get over it.

Grr. I better get some sleep, but I’ll be back! I bet I’ll have lots more to say about you later, Vinnie. I can’t see myself ever getting along with you. I just see my hate for you getting stronger and stronger.

Prepare to feel the wrath of the Great Ninja Yuffie! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!


Sincerely,


Yuffie Kisaragi