Why Drinking Is Bad For You

Why Drinking Is Bad For You A FFVII Parody Fanfic by Kissy-Chan Kiss-claimer: I don’t own FFVII, Cloud, Cid, Aerith, Cloud-gumi, Walkman, The Never-Ending Story, Hypers, Turbo Ethers, or Dazers. I do however, own tranquilizers and ink (but not Tranquilizers or Ink, the stuff you get in the game). I also don’t own the New York Mets, a hibachi, scuba gear, or Mr. Bigglesworth. This is Chapter Two of the Never-Ending Story of what drinking and drugs can do to someone. Drugs are bad. Real bad. Now I want y’all to read the story with this in mind: Status-Affecting Items = Drugs. Having said that, pass the blunt and let’s get on with this crazy story, already! 2 Fun With Hypers! Cloud-gumi traveled Gaia without fail: to rid the world of scum like the Mandragora; to amass the largest store of near-useless crap imaginable; and to get so much Gil that even their Portable Hole couldn't hold it. Well, how else do they carry all that shit? Anyway, Cloud was being very, very anal as he pawed through the Portable Hole where they kept their status affecting stuff."Guys! We're nearly out of Hypers...we need to go out and get some more.” Cid and Aerith looked at each other, grinned knowingly, and began gathering their gear. Cloud continued. “I have to bring two of you with me—not that I need anyone to help me, ‘cause I’m invincible, and all—but so I have someone to carry all the stuff back. Yeah. So who’s it going to be?” Cid and Aerith glanced at each other, and rolled their eyes. They moved behind Cloud and readied themselves for the trek. Nanaki looked into the Portable HoleWe have five hundred Hypers, Cloud. Why do need more?"

"You can never have enough Hypers,Cloud said, his eyes glazing over. "So, let's see...I think Ill bring Cid and Aer...ith. Huh?" He looked behind him and saw the two adventurers. They smirked at him in unison. “Riiiight. Well, let’s go, you two.” As they headed out, Cid and Aerith turned to the rest of Cloud-gumi. Smiled benignly. Shrugged gamely. Gave them the finger. Took off. O-O-O-O-O “OHH! What a little bitch!” said Tifa. “Yes. Aerith, too,” said Vincent. Nanaki said nothing, but he nosed through the Portable Hole and tutted. "What in Gaia's name do we need eight hundred Dazers for? And five hundred Hypers...sheer folly," said Nanaki. Vincent and Yuffie looked at each other, and smiled. Well, okay, Vincent didn’t smile. His head might’ve imploded. His left eyebrow quirked up one millimeter, and Yuffie smiled for both of them. “Hmm,” said Vincent. “Shall we tell them what we do with eight hundred Dazers?” “You betcha!” Yuffie grinned at the remainder of Cloud-gumi. “Let’s follow those three assholes, you guys! We’ll show you what we do with our spare status-affecting crap!” And with that, the rest of Cloud-gumi strode purposefully after Cloud, Aerith and Cid. They caught up to the three adventurers as they were battling Mandragoras. As they hid themselves behind a well-placed shrubbery, Yuffie said to the rest of the group with a sneer, "Watch, and learn." She dug into the Portable Hole and drew out a Hyper. She also drew a slingshot out of her own Portable Hole. Eeew. She loaded the slingshot, and aimed. She let fly with an ululating Xena war cry. The Hyper flew across the little glen, and hit Cid in the back of the head with a splat. "Unnh!" said he, as a gloved hand covered the spot where the Hyper hit him. Blue electricity sizzled through his hair, and he shook his head to clear it. “What the fuck was that?” “No time, Captain! Keep fighting these little bastards!” said Cloud, as he stomped another Mandragora. Cid looked down at a Mandragora. Awww. He always thought these things were too cute to kill. The Mandragora looked up at Cid with its beady little eyes, and blinked. It rubbed its head against Cid’s leg, and Cid was weakened by the Mandragora’s cuteness. Suddenly, Cid felt this overpowering urge to trample the life out of the little fucker. Which, of course, he did. Aerith blinked at this, and was about to say something to Cloud when something came whizzing out of the well-placed shrubbery in the middle of nowhere. It struck her dead between the eyes, and she went down like a sack of wet oatmeal. She got up, and split a Mandragora’s head open with her staff. Her eyes blazed with hellfire, and she foamed at the mouth. Cloud’s mouth hung open as he watched the carnage unfold. Really, now…he brought these two with him because they were wusses in a fight…well, they all were…and he would cover himself with glory when he was the one who did all the damage. Aerith and Cid stood over the corpse of a Mandragora and pummeled it until it was nothing more than a red smear. The rest of Cloud-gumi launched Hypers at the two hapless adventurers and laughed their asses off. Cid and Aerith’s hair was ablaze with blue electricity, and they foamed at the mouth—they frothed so much, they looked rabid. “Die, Mandragoras…DIE!!” they screeched. Suddenly something else whizzed through the air, and struck Cloud in the head. Cloud tried to find where it came from, and just as suddenly his eyes glazed over, and he hooked his thumbs in his armpits. He started to strut around the glen, and began to sing. “I’m a Chocobo, I’m a Chocobo…please don’t take me to the Chocobo Farm! YEAH!” O-O-O-O-O Barret looked at the group. What the fuck did you just throw at Spiky?” Yuffie shrugged. “Locoweed. Why?” Tifa and Barret glanced at each other, and turned to Yuffie with faux-innocence on their countenances. “Uhh—what Locoweed? It isn’t ours,” said Tifa. “We holdin’ it for someone else,” said Barret. Vincent glared at Barret and Tifa. “Not that Locoweed…that’s buried further down.” Tifa said, “Oh…thank God,” while Yuffie dug into the Portable Hole again. She pulled out a little packet. "Hey, what the hell is this...Ink? Why would we have Ink?"
"Hunh. Must be a glitch in the game," said Vincent. Yuffie gazed uncomprehendingly at Vincent, who pasted an unbelievably gruesome expression of ingenuousness on his face. Yuffie shuddered, and loaded up the Ink. “Okay, then. Fire in the hole!” Vincent watched it fly, and whispered, “Hey, Cid.” From a hundred yards away, Cid shook off the effects of the Hypers, and looked up suddenly. “Huh?” he said, before the Ink packet exploded over his eyes. He went flying, and his stupid goggles trailed after him. He shrieked, and dug at his eyes and ran in a circle and generally made an ass of himself as he screamed “I CAN’T SEE! I CAN’T SEE! MY EYES, THEY BURN!” over and over. The gang enjoyed the spectacle for a second before Yuffie launched some Locoweed and another handful of Hypers at Aerith. “This’ll be fun,” she said. Cloud stood motionless. His expression of abject terror was forever frozen on his face thanks to the double-handful of Dazers Nanaki had lobbed at him. Well, okay…not forever, but close enough for government work. At this point Cid was on the floor, digging at his eyes. He could see a little, now, but it was all so blurry. He looked up at the sky and said, “C’mon, Lady Luck. A little help fer Ol’ Cid?” He smiled when a familiar shape floated over his vision. Aerith hovered over his supine form, her arms akimbo. Cid grinned, and got a horny nosebleed. “Aww, Angel Baby,” he said to Aerith. The smile froze into a rictus on his face, and his eyes widened. “Uhh, Aerith?” His vision cleared a little more then, and he wished it hadn’t. Aerith was floating three feet above the ground, and she had a very embarrassed Shiva floating behind her. Cid gaped at this, and spoke in Cloud’s general direction. “Hey, Spike…a little fuckin’ help, here?” “Why? What difference does it make?” Cloud sat dejectedly on a conveniently placed log, and listened to an old Smiths cassette on his Walkman. He started to sob when Yuffie hit him again with more Tranquilizers. O-O-O-O-O "Yuffie," said Nanaki, as he nosed through the Portable Hole again, "why do we have two different kinds of Tranquilizers in here?"

Yuffie hefted the prescription bottle. "Bury these tranks...they belong to Aerith. Speaking of which...check it out. Here comes the fun part." Everyone glanced over to Cid and Aerith. O-O-O-O-O Cid gaped at Aerith, as she lifted her arms and shrieked “SHIVA! DIAMOND DUST!” Shiva glanced at Aerith. “Oh, honestly, Aerith—this is your traveling companion. You don’t want to hit him with me.” Aerith’s head swiveled around on her neck for a few seconds before she finally rested her blank expression on Shiva. “DO MY BIDDING, SHIVA! DIAMOND DUST!” Shiva looked at Cid, and shrugged. “Sorry, pal.” Cid’s jaw dropped to his breastbone, and he laughed hysterically until he sobbed in abject horror. He shielded his face with his forearms as Shiva let loose with Diamond Dust. It made an industrial grinding noise, and Tifa barfed her Chocoburger from lunch on Nanaki’s head. Barret looked green, as he turned to Vincent. “Hey Vince…dig deep. Looks like we need some Phoenix Down.” “Hmm? Why…” He looked over at where Cid used to be. He winced. “Oh.” He handed the Phoenix Down to Barret. Yuffie raised her eyebrows. “Uh, guys…shouldn’t we put the pieces together first before we fire that?” “Ooh, look—another Ink packet!” said Nanaki. O-O-O-O-O Cloud shook free of the effects of the Tranquilizers, and looked around blearily. Aerith was floating around with Shiva in tow, frosting anything that moved in the glen. Cid was nowhere to be found, but Cloud had a sinking feeling the severed leg lying on the ground to his left wasn’t from a Mandragora. He started toward Aerith and Shiva, but didn’t make it very far…two steps, really, before a hail of status-effecting crap came sailing into the glen from the suspicious shrubbery. “Hey…” was all Cloud had time to say before the nothingness of three Hypers and two Locoweeds took over. O-O-O-O-O Cid sat up groggily, and took in his surroundings. What a horrible nightmare he just had…Aerith was out of her fucking mind, and sicced Shiva on him. Gods, he could almost feel the pain from it. He slowly stood, and saw Aerith float over to him, with Shiva behind her...right before Nanaki hit him with the other Ink packet. Shiva shook her head and buried her face in her hand. Cid took off so fast he left skid-marks. He blindly caromed around the glen, screaming bloody murder. He ran into a tree, crotch-first (I bet you saw that coming), and doubled over, still running. He then hit a tree headfirst, and dropped like a ton of bricks. Shiva slapped her forehead, and Diamond Dusted her own head. Aerith sailed around in a circle and cackled, while her head spun around like a top. Cloud ran after Mandragoras, and stomped them while wailing ‘Singin’ In The Rain’. He then grabbed a Mandragora corpse in his teeth, and pranced around the glen, while yodeling “I’m a pretty, pretty Princess!” O-O-O-O-O Three hours later… The rest of Cloud-gumi made their way back to where Cloud and his two moronic cohorts had originally left them, and waited patiently. Twenty minutes behind them, Cloud, Cid, and Aerith limped into camp. Cloud gave Aerith a sour expression, and pushed her into the encampment. Cid looked funny—his toes barely brushed the ground. “Cid—you okay?” asked Barret. “Blurf…” said Cid. Cloud gave Cid another acerbic look, and let go of the back of Cid’s jacket. Cid’s heels thumped to the ground. He pitched forward as his eyes rolled up in his head. Cloud grimaced, and pointed to the others. “Barret…Tifa…let’s go!” Nanaki, Vincent and Yuffie all stared incredulously at Tifa and Barret. They got up, and followed Cloud out of camp. They turned to the rest of the group. Smiled benignly. Shrugged gamely. Gave them the finger. Took off. “God damn it,” said Vincent. Aerith tried to heal Cid, but couldn’t. “What happened to my magic?” Nanaki grinned wolfishly. Well, how else would he grin? “Do you need a Turbo Ether? I’ll get it for you."

"Oh, it’s okay, I’ll get it." She got up, and peered into the Portable Hole. She frowned. "Um...why do we need so many Hypers?"

Vincent and Yuffie exchanged an amused glance. Vincent's mouth tilted up on one side, and his face cracked. "All too easy."

Yuffie grinned evilly. "Wanna know why we have so many?" She hefted her slingshot. “C’mere…we’ll tell you a secret…” Owari! AN: Hoo-hoo-hoo! That was fun! The reason I put Aerith and Cid in the party in the fic (and made them assume immediately that they were in the party in the first place) was because the second I get them in-game, I put those two in my party…and don’t take them out. Ever. When Aerith croaks, then I put someone else in her place. Cid becomes more powerful than Cloud when I play…and that suits me right down to the ground. I despise Cloud. I think he’s a pantywaist. ^^ Hmmm…I’d love to see this fic as some fan art…any takers? Lemme know! Anyway, I peppered this fic with some movie references. Can you figure out what they are? Some of them are obscure. Don’t forget to review! I’m shameless—look, I’m begging! ^^ Thanks for reading, and tune in next time for Chapter Three: Overcompensation! Mata ne!