Holiday Surprises

Disclaimer: I have my memories,that's enough.

Warning: Alcohol, pinching, copious amounts of green, snakes, Leah makes a comeback, and stupid Zack.

Not betaed because if I had sent it off it would have been way late.

XxXxXxXx

Sephiroth's eye twitched slightly as he stood in the doorway to his office, emerald eyes taking in the destruction of his sanctuary. He knew who was to blame, he knew that retaliation must be swift and brutal, but he was frozen. His office, his perfectly orderly office, was covered in green tissue paper hearts, stars, four leaf clovers, hats, and something that looks suspiciously like a beer bottle. On top of the tissue paper, covering almost every surface was green glitter. It was ground into the carpet, scattered over the desk and chairs, covering the walls, and even on the ceiling. Across the back wall of the office a banner hung, glittering green words blaring across it, "HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY BIATCH!"

"It's really amazing isn't it?" Leah giggled from her desk, "Took Zack about two hours to do."

"YOU LEFT ZACK ALONE IN MY OFFICE FOR TWO HOURS?" Sephiroth screeched, whipping around to glare at his secretary and wincing as a bright light flashed in his face.

"Well duh," Leah said as she lowered her camera, "What did you honestly expect me to do?"

"I have no idea why I have not fired you," the General growled as he glanced back at his far too green office.

"Because I have blackmail," the small woman said in a sing song voice.

"You should have been a Turk."

"Yeah right, that's for life and the benefits suck," Leah waved a hand dismissively, "Retirement by death? Hell no!"

"I still hate you," Sephiroth muttered.

"I know snookums," Leah blew a raspberry at the General.

Rolling his eyes slightly, the silver haired male tried to take in the disaster zone that was his office once again. "I can't work in that," he sighed, "I'm taking the day off. If anyone asks where I am, tell them to go fuck themselves, but make it a little more vulgar."

"Ooh," the brunette secretary's eyes lit up, "I have direct permission to be as rude as I want. I love you so much!"

"And yet you torment me by allowing Zack into my office when I'm not here."

"You only hurt the ones you love…or something. I can't remember how that phrase goes."

"I believe it is I will kill you in your sleep, just you wait," the silver haired man leveled Leah with a hard glare.

"You say that, but I know you mean you love me too," the brunet smiled sweetly.

"Keep telling yourself that," Sephiroth muttered as he turned and left, marching through the festively green halls with the air of a wet and thoroughly pissed off cat.

Deciding to head to the training rooms to blow off some steam, the General ignored the way other Shinra employees practically fled his approach. What he did notice was that all the Turks had identical smirks on their faces when they saw him. That was never a good sign, but there wasn't much he could do about it besides wait for the shit to hit the fan. Sephiroth had nearly made it to the training room when a loud shriek echoed through the hallway. Sighing heavily, the silver haired male weighed his options. He could just ignore it, but then he'd have to explain why he didn't look into the disturbance when he was present. Grumbling under his breath, the SOLDIER detoured from his set course and headed towards the continuing screams.

Opening a door, Sephiroth paused to take in the scene in front of him. The door he had opened was to a meeting room, but the room had clearly been tampered with. For one thing it was not Shinra regulations to cover the floor with snakes. The SOLDIER didn't even bother to unsheathe his sword, he had spent enough time in the field to identify the non-poisonous garder snakes at a glance. He couldn't help the amused noise that escaped him when he looked at Scarlet, Rufus, and Lazard perched on top of the conference table, Scarlet screaming her head off. Angeal was seated at the table, flipping through a folder with disinterest and occasionally flicking a snake off his leg. Behind the raven haired SOLDIER, Genesis was draping some of the brighter colored snakes around his neck affectionately. Tseng was moving through the room, dutifully picking up snakes and depositing them in a waste basket he had grabbed.

"You know," Genesis said suddenly, "I really like snakes."

"Good for you," Sephiroth muttered, turning to leave.

"GENERAL!" Scarlet screamed, "GET RID OF THESE SNAKES!"

"Tseng seems to have it covered," the silver haired man shrugged slightly, ignoring the glare that was directed at him by the Turk.

"I think I'm going to go get a python," Genesis said thoughtfully, "And have Hojo alter it so I can command it like a dog."

The entire room froze and watched the redheaded SOLDIER wander out of the room, his hand idly stroking the snake around his neck. "Well on that slightly terrifying note," Sephiroth said, "I'm going to leave you in Tseng's very capable hands."

"Just you wait," Tseng muttered, "You'll wake up with pink hair one of these days, mark my words."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Sephiroth shot back as he turned on his heel and continued toward the training rooms.

Doing his best to ignore the smirking Turks he encountered, Sephiroth made it to the training room with little trouble. Typing in his access code, the SOLDIER waited for the door to open for him. There was an unusual delay, but finally the machines in the wall buzzed and the door slid open. Sitting in the middle of the floor was Cloud, his blond spikes dyed bright green and a dazed expression on his face. Standing beside him was a slightly swaying Zack, his violet eyes unfocused, green glitter adorning his face, and a beer bottle in one hand.

"SEPHY!" Cloud yelled, raising his arms up in greeting and falling forward onto his face, "Ow…"

"Hey Seph," Zack said, weaving as he started to walk towards the silver haired male.

"Are you both drunk?" the General asked incredulously.

"Guilty as charged," Cloud muttered into the floor, his face still pressed against the floor.

"Hey Seph," Zack said, looking the silver haired male up and down as he came to stand next to him, "You're not wearing green."

"Of course not," the older male scoffed, "Cloud, how much have you had? Do I need to take you to get detoxed like last ye-eeehh!"

Sephiroth swung around to face the brunet, his hair swirling around him dramatically as he cut off the squeal that had burst from his lips. "You're not wearing green," Zack said innocently, his fingers still clamped onto the silver haired General's ass.

"You…you pinched me!" Sephiroth stammered.

"Well duh," Cloud groaned, finally bringing his face up from the ground, "You're not wearing green. You's gonna get pinched biatch."

"There are times when I wonder why I put up with either of you," Sephiroth muttered,

"It's because you love us," Zack sang happily as he pulled a marker out of his back pocket. Uncapping the sharpie with his teeth, the SOLDIER quickly brought it up and drew a heart on Sephiroth's chest. "There!" he declared, "Now you have green and no one else will pinch your pert little bottom."

Sighing heavily, Sephiroth put the brunet in a head lock and marched him over to the heavily intoxicated cadet. Grabbing Cloud by the scruff of the neck, the General dragged both males out of the room and headed back towards their apartment to sober them up.