Lamentations

*well I promise more smut, just gimme time to get all this angst out! lol*

Lamentations
Chapter Two
Murderous Secret

Nobody got up at a decent hour on this ship save a select few, myself included. Even if I had unwillingly been hunting as Chaos deep into the wee hours of the night, my internal clock roused me at 7:30 am, and no amount of tossing or turning could reverse the awakeness. So I resumed my fragmented reading of a book I’d read a thousand times on music theory. No one would bother me until at least nine.

The picture fluttered out of my book when I reached page 172.

And suddenly she was in my lap, staring up with the surprised smile that said to me what she had said years ago…

You’re taking my picture? *laughs* No, no, wait! That wasn’t a good one, my glasses were crooked! Vincent, come back here, give me that thing! Vincent! Don’t you dare develop that, I forbid it! Vincent!!!!!

I could hear her voice as if she were beside me, wrestling for the disposable camera amid giggles and protests. She was beautiful, I assured her constantly. The most beautiful woman in the world, but she refused to believe it—not for a second did she think herself more than a nerdy lab-head.

My heart ached for her again. I still couldn’t decide if I was still madly in love and so sorry for what Hojo did to her, or if I hated her bitterly for the mutual betrayal. Well, I still loved her otherwise I wouldn’t still hurt after all these years, but even if I hated her, no one deserved what she had gone through…

It was MY choice!

He can’t make you happy!

He won’t make me cry!

I crumpled the picture and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and fell behind the laptop on the desk. My beloved siren, leading me unintentionally to my doom…

And at the thought of the laptop a sudden paranoia crept up onto me. I never trusted locks, as I was sure more than a few members of AVALANCHE could easily pick one. So I put a password on the folder I had copied onto the hard drive and put the disc I dragged up from the ShinRa mansion in the very back of the drawer. Not elaborate, but enough to satisfy my anxious tick.

Cloud was speaking with a crewmember about the next destination when I arrived on the deck. No one so much as turned their head to greet me—which was fine. Maybe it was childishly stereotypical for someone like myself to stick to the shadows, but I felt unwelcomely scrutinized in an observable position. Lucrecia had once called me shy. I called it avoiding unneeded attention. Turks were good at that (when they weren’t hot-headed morons like Reno, that is).

Eventually Cloud looked around and frowned, still in leader-mode. All of his insecurities tucked underneath a veneer of organized thought; his confessions locked safely away within me. Loyal or not, I would never betray anybody’s trust.

“Where’s Cid? He was supposed to be here.”

Each member of AVALANCHE gave a shrug or where they saw him last—the general consensus being him turning in early, bottle in hand. From what I knew about Cid, this was not typical. Perhaps I had frightened him. So far my attuned ears hadn’t heard any whisperings of his findings, so maybe this was for the better.

It was Cloud who was non-verbally voted to go fish Cid out of whatever hole he’d put himself into. After a moment’s hesitation, I followed. Curiosity? Reinforcement? Not even I was sure. But if I was going to put myself at risk for sake of defeating Lucrecia’s son, it was only natural to make sure that the dynamic would continue to flow undisturbed. I had no time for anything otherwise.

It took two knocks to lure the pilot out of his drunken slumber, and he was quite disheveled as he answered. He had slept in his clothes and was quick to turn pale upon catching sight of me. Good. That meant that the game was over—I had won. Cid wouldn’t be uttering a word as to what he had seen.

I felt disgusted with myself. Cid didn’t deserve this kind of treatment from me. Yes, I was a monster. Manipulating without care or abandon. Hateful, monstrous Vincent.

Cid mumbled out an excuse not to come. I was undoubtedly the reason. He was scrutinizing me again. How I wish I had been more attentive in the ShinRa mansion basement! I wasn’t sure if it wanted to curl up and die from humiliation or just really kill him.

But it was over. For now my hideous past was safe and I forced myself not to dwell on the matter. Cid surrendered most of his Materia and I thought nothing more of it.

Was it truly luck? I wasn’t stupid enough to say something as foolish as fate, but I have to admit more than circumstance was at work that day.

Somebody forgot something—I can’t say that I remember exactly what it was (more because I chose not to than trouble recalling). There was a long debate Cloud had over the PHS about who had what and where. Barret, did he have it? No, that thieving brat Yuffie took it from him. No, she let Tifa borrow it. I was tired of hearing it—I truly stopped caring once I figured this was going to take more than five minutes.

When the batteries went dead I almost got irritated. Between Could cursing and Nanaki complaining about his nose being dry, I’d had enough. This had nothing to do with Sephiroth—this didn’t involve me. Lucrecia had called me focused to a fault once. I suppose she was right. I wasn’t being impatient. I was just tired of it.

“I’ll get it,” I had finally sighed.

It was awkward—I loathe using my voice when I don’t have to. It makes others uncomfortable, not to mention myself. There was a time when I never needed to speak, believing that I deserved the silence. In a way I still do. Perhaps that time will come again.

Cait Sith had it (whatever IT was)—stuffed god knows where in his remote plush body. Stiff words and a quick retreat on my part. I tend not to remember conversation unless it’s important. At least until I needed to. If it were only that way with my damnable past…

I didn’t think I was very lucky at the time. My door was open half an inch. That very second my throat seized. Someone was in my personal space. I had always been a territorial creature—which made what Hojo did to me an inexcusable violation to my person beyond any and all words. The scent of cigarettes made a few things very clear:

It was Cid.

He was still there.

And suddenly my mind reeled in a swirl of anger and hatred.

I really did want to kill him. I didn’t think I was capable of that level of hatred anymore now that Hojo was gone, but there it was, fueling me as I ripped Cid out of my chair, at my desk and had him pinned up against the wall. However temporary the location happened to be, it was still my space.

The videos were still playing on the laptop. He watched it all. Just like Hojo. I was going to crush his trachea for it. “No one… no one … has ever seen that footage… and lived to tell about it. Not a soul.”

“Vince! Hold up! Wait!” he choked while he kicked under my grasp. “I just… wanted to know!”

“Knowledge has a price, Cid,” I told him in a furiously calm tone. I really was going to kill him. The consequences of such an action escaped me at that moment. I couldn’t even look at him I was so unfathomably angry. I was NOT in a position to put up with any more intrusions; my nightmares were mine alone and their origins as well. I was in disbelief that he actually had the balls to go into my room, hack into my hard drive and help himself to my insanity.

“You won’t kill me! You can’t!”

“Oh? Why is that?” I growled silkily, tightening my claw near fatally against his throat.

“Because… you’re… still human!”

My anger faltered with the word human. Didn’t he see the monster I had turned into? Didn’t he know that someone with that kind of horror lurking underneath their skin couldn’t possibly be human?? He saw… and… he didn’t realize?

My grip slackened. “What… did you just say?” I asked him, looking him hard in the eye.

“I saw it!” he gasped, still kicking weakly. Without Materia he was just like the rest of them—just another guy. “I’m no shrink, but I know somethin’ about pain! You’re still in there, I swear to fucking god!”

He dropped to the floor when I withdrew, coughing and choking on the injury I’d inflicted upon him. He who invaded and violated claims understanding? That can’t be right. No, he must have mistaken suffering for humanity. There was so much more to it that was beyond my grasp that he took for granted every day…

“You’re too close,” I said aloud, not really aiming the statement in any particular direction.

“I meant what I said,” Cid managed as he rose to his feet. “You wouldn’t have kept it otherwise.”

What?

From his awkward slouch with his hands stuffed in his pockets, I’d say he was just spouting nonsense. But out of his pocket came my crumpled bookmarker—Lucrecia, looking up in surprise with her almost luminous eyes and long cinnamon ringlets of hair. I had it in my hand in a moment, wondering… why didn’t I throw this out? surely there was something else I could use to remind myself what page I had been on. I suddenly wanted to tear it up, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Cid couldn’t be right though. “I was going to throw this out…” I mused quietly.

Cid mumbled some half-assed apology and was halfway out the door before I realized it. I grabbed his arm, internally panicking. What if he talks? “You don’t understand the seriousness of what you have seen. You can’t say anything.”

“I’m not gonna—”

“Highwind, I’m serious.”

Perhaps he took offense in my lack of faith in him. But it goes unsaid; I broke the first of the Turk Ten Commandments (as we used to call the strict code of conduct among us) with Lucrecia and had paid dearly for it: Trust no one. I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice.

“I get it. You’ll do worse to me than kill me,” Cid said with a shrug, surprisingly very calm about the whole situation. “I’m sure you’re damn well capable of it.”

So honest. I wanted to weep I craved his honesty about who he was so badly. And here I was threatening the man. Monstrous Vincent strikes again. I was so ashamed. “So it comes to a threat then…”

“Frankly, I don’t blame you.”

How could you not?? How can I explain? “It never used to be that way…” I said after a moment. “I wasn’t a monster then.” No, that couldn’t make much sense to him…

“Never said you were,” Cid said with a half smirk and another shrug. “Never said you are.”

Cid wasn’t stupid. He was forcing niceties out, I was positive. That kind of behavior had always annoyed me. The ass was not a place to speak from. “Are you trying to comfort me?” I accused. As if you could make a difference…

Cid held his shrug mid-shoulder. “If you’re willing, I guess so. I mean—,”

‘I guess so?’ I am not a piece of machinery to be brought back to life! Typical mechanic! “Do you honestly think it’s that easy?!” I hissed at him. “How could you? How could I?” Too close… back off… “It would be pointless.”

Cid thought for a minute, then dug around in his pocket for a moment. Pieces of a long crushed cigarette fluttered onto the floor along with some lint and a straw wrapper. God, I was irritated with him enough… I guess I was just a stickler for cleanliness.

He brought forth an amber orb—a command Materia, though which I couldn’t really tell. “You don’t have to say anything, Vince,” he said, offering it to me. “But I’m not forcing you to do anything, got it?”

I accepted it slowly. Upon contact there was a brief glimpse into his thoughts. Pity. I was pity and not fear that drove him. This was the Sense Materia. I wasn’t sure if I liked either motivational factor, because if there was one thing I hated more than being feared, it was being pitied.

Vincent I’m so sorry…!

Stop apologizing, Lucrecia! I don’t want your fucking pity!!!

“Get out,” I told him sternly. He obeyed with more zeal than Cloud could have given, taking off at a practical sprint. I tossed the orb next to my other equipment in disdain. No, I will not accept your pity, Cid.

Then a though struck me. Why pity and not fear? Why would he want to even try and help me? As mislead as his attempt was, it was a first. Cloud used me to help himself and I was fine with that. He knew that if he so much as tried to offer me advice it would end between us—and quickly. But Cid…there was something that was unabashedly frank in his offer of at least an ear to listen. That made me pause. Surely it wasn’t just pity. Anyone else who knew they were in the presence of a wild monster would surely flee for their lives.

But I could barely put two sentences together aloud. Some days I didn’t even need to open my mouth save to eat perhaps, and I considered those days blessings. How could I tell Cid—Materia or no Materia—exactly what happened to me all those years ago and why? Would it bring me to some emotional epiphany of sorts? I think not.

Suppose everything went perfectly? What then? Would we be something as foolish as friends? Friend. Such a strange word. Members of AVALANCHE were my allies… but I couldn’t say they were my friends.

My mind went into auto-Turk. This was a psychological trap. This was going to end in blackmail. In threats. In blood. Trust no one.

Cid was going to have to die.

End of Chapter Two
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yeah, sorry for the brief ocean’s 11 quote, it just fit ^_^ I told you Vincent had a much different story than Cid, and man, in my notebook its turning out to be much longer. Sorry for you smut addicts out there, the nasty story codes I posted are coming up, I promise ^_^ r/r plz!