Why Drinking Is Bad For You

Why Drinking Is Bad For You A FFVII Parody By Kissy-Chan Kiss-claimer: I don’t own anything FFVII. More’s the pity. I also don’t own a HDTV, a Harrier jet, Phillip-Morris U.S.A. (but I’m sure Cid has stock in their company), or yo’ mama. Hooray for drug and alcohol-induced smut! Hooray for PWP! And here is where the rating goes up from R to NC-17. You love it, I know. ^^ This is—quite possibly—the most pointless, plot-less smut-fest imaginable. And it’s weird. I don’t mean garden-variety weird…this is fucking WEIRD. Also, once the ‘festivities’ commence, things jump around a lot. Try to follow it the best you can. : D And people…this is meant to be a parody. I’m actually writing like this to make you laugh, not to titillate. The smut is supposed to be laughable. And I normally don’t write like this…I’m just upping the silly factor by writing bad, weird porn in stream-of-consciousness present tense. Enjoy! 3 Overcompensation! Cloud-gumi walks into a restaurant, and orders food. Duh. They sit at the only table in the joint, and wait for their grub. A waitress approaches their table, and takes their drink order. Everyone orders beer. Pretty innocuous, no? Well, a half hour later, when the food finally arrives, everyone is shitfaced. And I mean EVERYONE, except for Vincent. For some reason, everything he drinks goes straight to Chaos—sometimes with disastrous results. At any rate, the food arrives, and the drunken crew falls to with gusto. “Hey,” says Yuffie, her mouth full (of food, people—don’t jump the gun), “I always wanted to know…why the hell are your weapons so damned big? Are you guys overcompensating for something?” “Heh—not me,” says Cloud, snaffling up Choco-stew. “I’m the main character. I’m hung like a horse. Ask any of the other ladies here.” Tifa’s eyebrow shot up sardonically. “Or the guys.” Barret looks at Tifa, and shrugs. “Mmm, true that.” Cloud crimsons, and sprays Choco-stew on Tifa. “And what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?” Barret shrugs again. “We Japanese, ain’t we? We bathe together.” Cloud looks at Barret uncomprehendingly, then relaxes somewhat. “Oh…right. We bathe together. Right, because how else would I see you guys naked?” Cid snorts. “Yep. And we can honestly say that y’are overcompensating.” “Oh, fuck you! And you look, Cid?” Cloud sneers. Cid waves at Cloud’s derision. “Kinda hard not to. Can’t help it—it’s kinda like driving past a car-wreck. Yer hung like a pimple.” “Screw you!” Cloud takes out his Buster, and drops it on the table. The table creaks under its weight. “How can you say I’m overcompensating? It’s just a sword, dammit!” “Right,” says Aerith. “And a cigarette is just a cigarette…right, Cid?” The smug grin slides off Cid’s mug. “What the fuck’re you babbling about?” “Oh, nothing, I’m sure,” pipes in Yuffie. “You wave those ginor—uh, those gigund—umm, those big-ass weapons around, and you’re practically telling the world: ‘Hey, look at me! I have a tiny pecker!’ And the cigarette, Cid…it just screams ‘I love putting things in my mouth’. Any questions?” “Yeah,” says Cid. He picks up Yuffie’s shuriken, and wears it as a hat. The top of his noggin fits through the hole in the center. “What the fuck does this mean, Freud?” “I refuse to acknowledge that statement with a reply,” says she huffily. She refills her beer stein. “You know, you also carry that big spear…what does that tell people? ‘I like playing with big, long things’?” “Hey look, Hemorrhoid,” says Cid, grinning lecherously; “I just tell it like I see it. An’ I saw an awful lot of ya yesterday.” Yuffie rolls her eyes. “Yeah right. I’d never sleep with an old fart like you. Besides, I’m saving myself.” Cid laughs disbelievingly. “Yeah. That ain’t what ya said ta me last night.” Aerith glowers at Yuffie. “Me either!” She catches herself, and glances at Cloud. “Um…I mean…oh, crap.” Cloud gapes at Aerith. “You slept with Yuffie, and you didn’t invite me?” Aerith points to Tifa, who looks rather peeved. “Aren’t you afraid of pissing Tifa off?” Cloud shakes his head, and laughs. He whispers in Aerith’s ear. “Nah. I put Roofies in her stew. She’s getting hers tonight.” Cid overhears Cloud and Aerith, and laughs. He digs into his stew again, with even more gusto. He normally won’t touch Chocobo Stew…too gamy for him. But tonight, it tastes almost edible. He licks the back of his spoon, and Vincent pops a boner. Yuffie grins at Cloud. “Yeah, well…at least it isn’t Sephiroth we’re talking about...right, Cloud?” Cloud glowers at Yuffie. “Shut up…” “Oh? Do tell,” says Cid blearily. He shakes his head to clear it. He’s suddenly gotten light-headed. Hmmm… Yuffie grins at Cloud. “Everyone here knows you idolized him. But I know the truth. Reno told me he and you and Sephiroth and Zack had a regular boypile before Sephiroth went out of his melon.” “NO! That never happened!” He glances at Tifa. “Umm…how are you feeling?” Tifa shrugs. “Fine. Why?” “Hey, don’t change the subject,” says Cid with a soggy snort. “Heh-heh. Caught ya with yer pants down, huh, Cloud? Ya know, ya nifsrah flarney hoobadooba, and ya know it!” Cid frowns for a moment, and looks down at his bowl. “Huh?” Cloud’s jaw hangs open, and his eyes dart to Aerith. “Uh-oh.” Cid looks up, and frowns at Cloud. “Uh-oh…what?” Cloud leans over to Aerith, and whispers, “I think I know where the Roofies went.” His eyes alight, Vincent perks up. Cid looks aghast. “I heard that! You put what, exactly, in my fuckin’…uhhh…” His words dry up, and he faceplants in his bowl of stew. Vincent glances around the restaurant, and realizes that it is empty. Kissy aside: And the festivities begin! Here, there be strangeness… “WOO HOO!” says Vincent, and grabs Cid. He drags him to a conveniently placed dark corner, and proceeds to tear all of Cid’s clothes off. “Oh…by the way, Yuffie…we ain’t all overcompensating,” says Barret, as he pulls his pants down. Yuffie gets a peek at his man-meat and gets so excited that her clothing spontaneously combusts off her body. Barret jumps on Yuffie and fucks her in half. Cloud looks at his friends having fun (well, except for Cid—he still has no idea what’s going on), and grins over to Tifa. The grin fades when he realizes that Tifa took off with Aerith to another conveniently placed dark corner. “Kuso,” says Cloud, when a large no-dachi crashes through the window next to him. A random townsperson runs into the restaurant and yells, “Sephiroth just walked into town! Badoom-boom-crash!” Cloud lops the townie’s head off for his lousy joke, and looks out the window. Sure enough, Sephiroth is walking through the gates of town—half a mile away. “Well, all right, then!” Cloud does a happy dance, and then his clothing explodes off his body for no apparent reason. Thank God for the Fullcure materia. Yuffie pulls herself together…literally; thanks Barret; and runs off to find someone else to have fun with. Barret pulls his pants up, and is accosted by the restaurant owner...who looks strangely like a Mog with an animatronics cat on its head. He looks for Cloud, but he’s nowhere to be found. He then yells to one of the dark corners. “Yo, Vincent…this guy wants to know ‘bout the bill. What do I do?” “TELL HIM TO PUT IT ON OUR DAMNED TAB!” says Chaos/Vincent. Chaos’ hellfire is punctuated only by a semiconscious Cid’s litany of “Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!” Maybe Vincent shouldn’t have transformed into Chaos. Then suddenly Reno runs into the restaurant, wearing Yuffie as a hat. “Hey, Yo! Heard there was a party, Yo! Am I invited…Yo?” “NO!” says Chaos. “BUGGER OFF!” “But ain’t that…OW…what yer doin’?” says a very confused—and conscious—Cid. Those Roofies don’t last long on a Level 99 Crusty Old Dragoon, do they? “Mommy says I should tell her when someone touches me there.” “YOUR MOTHER ISN’T HERE, IS SHE?” says Chaos, biting Cid’s shoulder hard enough to draw blood. “SEPHIROTH! My love!” says Cloud, as he bursts through the door and streaks down the avenue toward his beloved man-meat. He knocks Reno over in his fervor, and Yuffie flies off his head and crashes through a window. Reno trips over his own feet and lands on the yuri-tacular pile in the other darkened corner. Ma-ma-ménage-a-troi, Yo! “I know my…uhhh…I know my mother ain’t here, Vince. I’m talkin’ about Mommy,” said Cid, who was a bit light-headed, and not from the Roofies, either. “She…umm…unnh…slower…” “JUST BREATHE, SUGARPLUM,” says Chaos. O-O-O-O-O Nanaki’s at the bar, lapping Jaegermeister from a bowl. He addresses anyone crazy enough to still be reading this. “What? You don’t honestly think I’d join them, do you? They’re animals.” O-O-O-O-O Sephiroth finally arrives, with Cloud latched onto his crotch. “Do you have a crowbar?” he asks Cait Sith, the owner. Cait Sith hands Sephiroth a crowbar, and Sephiroth bashes Cloud’s brains in with it. Because Cloud is a Level 99 Whiny Bastard, he only suffers the ill effects of a bashed-in skull for two minutes, before it re-forms itself. Sephiroth leaves his mangled corpse on the floor at his feet and orders a Screaming Orgasm. Yuffie blazes through the door, hand-in-hand with a new toy. She thinks the chick in bondage gear is hot, and grabs her ass. The bondage chick takes a blackjack out of her cleavage and breaks Yuffie’s teeth. Bondage-Bitch drops Yuffie’s unconscious form in the other-other darkened corner, and makes her way to the first darkened corner. Wow, this place is dark. Anyway, in the second darkened corner, Reno enjoys a slap-fight between Tifa and Aerith, over who gets to blow him first. He’s not one to stand on ceremony…he can’t wait for the two harpies to make their fucking minds up, so he jerks off. “Wow, Yo! Aerith…Yo…is a crazy bitch…Yo! Yo! Yo! Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo…” Suddenly Reno’s head explodes in a flurry of machine parts and cotton candy. A robot? Imagine that! Then Cloud jumps up, his fractured skull healed and forgotten. “SEPHIROTH! Love-you-love-you-love-you…” He grabs Sephiroth’s fly, pulls it down, and begins sucking him off. Sephiroth frowns at Cloud. “We have to talk.” Cloud continues his ministrations, deaf to Sephiroth’s rejection…not like Sephiroth is complaining at this point. But hey…what’s going on in the first darkened corner? Chaos is enjoying his captive toy. “YEAH…TAKE IT ALL!” Cid, who is rather surprised that whatever Vincent is shoving up his ass isn’t coming out of his mouth, looks up from the table he’s bent over. His face lights up with joy. “Hi, Mommy!” “MOMMY?” Chaos looks up, and sees Shera in a leather Merry Widow and thigh-high stiletto boots. A metal-tipped cat o’ nine tails hangs at her waist. She has barbed brass knuckles on her dainty little leather-gloved hands. Chaos/Vincent knows when he’s been trumped—he may be an all-powerful demon, but he’s nothing next to an enraged wife in dominatrix gear. He transforms back into Vincent, and hangs his head in defeat. “Hi, Shera.” Shera waggles her fingers at Vincent, and gestures to Cid. “Get over here, you! You’ve been bad, mister!” Cid scurries to Shera, and throws himself at her feet. “Mommy, I’ve been so very, very bad! Punish me!” Shera nods, and takes a billy club from god-knows-where and beats him over the head with it. Cid doesn’t mind. In fact, he’s rather enjoying himself. Shera bobs her head. “Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s go home.” So, hand-in-hand, they leave the restaurant. Yuffie takes this opportunity to get her rocks off…again, and attacks Vincent. Vincent transforms into the Galian Beast, and fucks Yuffie into a pile of hot ash. When Vincent reverts back into his humanoid form, he is so confused he explodes in a flurry of demon-meat and Mallomars. Barret makes his way to the bar, and to Nanaki. “You know…we the oney two people not havin’ any fun…why don’t we…” says Barret, before Nanaki bites Barret’s head off like a lollipop. “Hmm…” says Nanaki, “…tastes like chicken.” Tifa and Aerith decide to bury the hatchet, and tag-team Cloud. Cloud is overwhelmed by the variety spread out—literally—before him. “So many orifices, so little time…” he sings. Suddenly Sephiroth realizes that he is raging jealous, and toasts Tifa with Shadow Flare. “Wow! I just learned Shadow Flare!” says Tifa, before she crumbles into a pile of dust. Sephiroth then grabs the Masamune out of the window and skewers Aerith with it. “Oh, dammit…not again,” says she, before she croaks. Sephiroth celebrates the carnage he just induced by willing his clothes to burst from his body, and he throws his arms open to Cloud. “I’m all yours, Sweetie!” He then realizes just whom, in fact, he had just offered himself to, and summons Meteo to crush Gaia. The world blows up, and everyone dies. Epilogue Sephiroth floated in white nothingness. He looked around, and sighed to himself. “I suppose this is Purgatory. Oh, well—at least I got rid of that little pain in my nuts for good.” He folded his hands behind his head, and steeled himself for an eternity of oblivion. Then… “Daaaaaaaaarliiiiiiiiing…” Sephiroth’s eyes pop open, in terror. “Oh, no! It couldn’t be!” “Love-you-love-you-love-you…” Sephiroth gasped. “Oh, it IS! This isn’t Purgatory…it’s Hell!” Owari…thank God. O-O-O-O-O Whoa. I love writing stream-of-consciousness stuff, but that was mondo bizarro. That was quite possibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever written. I hope you enjoyed it. Hey…anyone have any ideas for the Why Drinking Is Bad For You series? Send ‘em on in, and I will be glad to incorporate your idea into my world. Thanks for reading this foray into my damaged psyche. XD Mata ne!