Tributes and Memories

I remember it all so clearly. So perfectly. All the little things I shouldn’t remember, shouldn’t have noticed but I know are there. All those nights that were erased from your thoughts. You were too wasted to care.

Sometimes I would try to find a beginning. When had you become so involved with your drinking habits? When was it that the allure of pills drew you in? When did I cease to matter enough? At one point in time, I was more than drug enough for you. When we were together, it took it all away. It must have stopped some time. You left me. Aerith couldn’t save you from your vices, but then, neither could I. You wouldn’t let me.

It was raining again that night. I’d like to think that was why it all fell apart. You were gone, lost inside yourself, the shell of who you once were shining through your favorite poisons. If you weren’t unstable enough, the rain only drove more from you. There was only a hollow spark in your eyes. You were gone. You left me. And in your place was the mess of a man I had no desire to clean up.

I never had a choice. That night, you proved it once again. The choices were never mine to make. They were never mine to take from. Other people led me around like an overly sophisticated, carefully crafted marionette. You were only another actor in a different scene, but you always seemed to have at least one more string free than I ever had. Maybe that’s how you held so much control over me; then again, that was probably planned as well.

I had closed the door. There was never any reason to lock it. You would have picked it anyway. I was curled on my bed, facing away from the door. I had actually been trying to sleep. Rest was always so overrated. But that never mattered to you, did it? I’ve always just been there for you to take.

The sounds of you removing your clothes were distant. It wasn’t reason enough to stir; it was only you. It was only ever you. When you slid yourself carefully in my bed, why should it have mattered? You had done so on so many occasions before. It was comforting. The feel of your body pressed so close against my back, it was a security that I had never been allowed to have. It is also something I have never accepted since.

I didn’t notice the chain you attached to my wrists, or that you had already set everything into motion so perfectly. I felt so sluggish, I couldn’t move. It was all because I had ever lowered my defenses around you. I would never make the same mistakes again. I could never figure out why you wanted me awake. Did you honestly want me to remember those moments so much? If that’s the case, you succeeded. I remember it all in more detail than I’d like.

You smelled of dried sweat and cold clothes. You were drunk and wasted. But somewhere in there, I could feel that you were still more than aware enough of every little thing you did. Your lack of clothing, your cunning, your preparation, my nearing indecent state of undress. I should be impressed by the fact you learned so much just to be able to pull it all off. I am not. You could have been so much better.

Instead, your hands were on me, working to destroy the last bit of hope I had salvaged from you. You didn’t even bother to pull my pants farther than my knees. None of it mattered as long as you got what you wanted. You certainly did. Your hands moved over my skin, harshly taking whatever pleasure they could find. You didn’t have a single care about what you were doing to me. You didn’t think twice about what you were destroying.

Did I always mean so little to you? That you could choose to shamelessly take from me what I would have given freely? If only you asked. Like every other time you had need of anything. If only you had asked. Maybe then you wouldn’t have seen fit to shove your way inside my body, seeking pleasure that was not given. Was I not good enough that you had to rape me for any physical pleasure you could get? Was the sex always so meaningless?

None of it matters. You left. All of it was there in my head. Everything was there to pull together. It all fell apart. I felt it more coldly inside my soul when you let yourself slide from my body. It was bittersweet, just like the memories you made, just like your essence as it dripped from my body. You wasted yourself. Spent too soon on things ill gotten. Maybe you wanted your demise.

Or perhaps, you simply wanted to ruin me, like you had so thoroughly ruined yourself. Some would say you did quite well. I would say that you didn’t do well enough. When you were gone, all that was left was Mother. In the end, she helped me fix everything. Mother let me see the beauty in the rain, whether it was because of all that you caused, or despite it. Mother washed it all away.

Author's Note: I thought it would go on a bit longer than this. But I like the way it culminates. Perhaps it's anticlimactic, but I like it. I hope the rest of you have as well.