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The Path to Redemption	By : Nakkinomiko Category: Final Fantasy VII > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1095 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don’t own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters. SquareEnix does. I make no money from this…I just like to play with them.

Chapter List
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Disclaimer: I don’t own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters. SquareEnix does. I make no money from this…I just like to play with them.
A/N: No real warnings for this one…just a slightly unhinged Kadaj…poor Kadaj…
******
Chapter 3
The psychiatrist arrived at 10:00 a.m. sharp. Penelope Winterfell was in her mid-forties, and had an excellent reputation. She’d been working with SOLDIER recruits since the beginning of the program, and was privy to all the top-secret information in Shinra’s files. Rufus figured that she was, by far, the best suited to deal with whatever demons haunted Kadaj. Not only was she more than aware of what Kadaj was, she had enough military training to decently defend herself should Kadaj go into one of his rages.
Of course, she didn’t look at all intimidating when she arrived. Quite the contrary, she showed up in blue jeans and a heavy blue cable knit sweater. Her graying auburn hair was braided neatly and hung to the center of her back, and when she smiled in greeting, fine lines crinkled at the corners of her eyes.
“Mr. President, it’s good to see you,” Penelope greeted.
“Likewise,” Rufus said, and he reached out and shook her hand. “You look well, Penelope.”
“So do you!” Penelope said with a laugh. “You’re walking!”
“Yes,” Rufus said. “No doubt you heard of the rain’s healing effects yesterday.”
“I have,” Penelope replied with a small smile. “We’re fortunate--the Planet seems to have forgiven us, after all.”
“Yes.” Rufus motioned for her to follow him into the apartment. “You’ve read the information I’ve sent you?”
“I have,” she replied. “I can already tell you that much of his problem lies in his emotions as they relate to Sephiroth.”
“Yes,” Rufus agreed.
Kadaj was pacing in front of the picture window when they arrived in the living room. Rufus watched, almost mesmerized by the fluid motions of the younger man as he paced the length of the window like a great panther. He’d bathed after waking, and Rufus had lent him a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, both of which were too large for him, but would do until they could find clothes that actually fit him.
“Kadaj, I’d like you to meet someone,” Rufus called.
Kadaj paused in his pacing to turn and face them.
“Hello, Kadaj,” Penelope said, and she crossed the room to stand before him. She extended her hand in greeting. “My name is Penelope Winterfell.”
Kadaj’s green eyes narrowed slightly, but he reached out and gave the woman’s hand a tentative shake before turning and resuming his pacing.
“You’re the psychiatrist,” Kadaj said. There was a hint of mistrust in his tone.
“Yes,” Penelope answered easily. “I’m hoping I can help you.”
“Can you?” Kadaj paused in his pacing again, and turned to look at the doctor.
“I think I can,” Penelope said. “A lot of that depends on you, though. You have to be willing to work with me, and I’m not going to promise that it’s going to be easy. You’re going to have to talk about a lot of things that might upset you, but once you do, and work through them, I think you’re going to be able to put those things behind you and move on in your life. Knowing that, are you willing to work with me?”
Kadaj didn’t answer her right away. He continued to pace, and Rufus was amazed at how patient Penelope was. Kadaj paced for another three or four minutes before he spoke.
“What things are we going to have to talk about?” Kadaj ceased his pacing and stalked his way over to a chair and sunk into it.
“What do you want to talk about?” Penelope said. She followed Kadaj and seated herself on the end of the couch closest to where Kadaj was seated.
“I’m not sure I want to talk about anything,” Kadaj murmured, his voice barely audible. “It . . .” His voice trailed off and his eyes were fixed on the floor.
“You don’t have to talk about anything yet, if you’re not ready,” Penelope said when it became apparent Kadaj wasn’t going to speak again anytime soon. “It doesn’t have to be a fast process, Kadaj. We can take as much time and as many days as you need.”
Rufus wanted to second that sentiment, but thought it best to stay a silent presence while the doctor was there. He didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the patient-doctor relationship Penelope was currently trying to establish. This first meeting was important, and Rufus didn’t want to ruin it.
“I miss my brothers.” The words were spoken so softly that both Rufus and Penelope almost missed them.
“Your brothers?”
“Loz and Yazoo,” Kadaj said. He looked up and met Penelope’s blue gaze. “They were Remnants, like me.”
“Remnants?” Penelope frowned as she repeated the word. She didn’t have to ask for an explanation--her reading had given her all the information she needed. She seemed to think about it for a few moments before she spoke again. “I’m not sure I like that word. It implies imperfection, and I don’t think that you are imperfect, Kadaj. Do you?”
“Of course I am,” came the reply. Kadaj sounded terribly bitter, and his emerald eyes held anguish now. “Why else would she have chosen him over me?”
“She?” Penelope feigned ignorance. Rufus was fairly certain the psychiatrist knew exactly who Kadaj was referring to. “Who are you talking about?”
“Mother,” Kadaj whispered.
“You mean, Jenova?” Penelope prodded.
“That is what they called her, yes,” Kadaj said. His voice was barely above a whisper now.
“Why did her opinion matter so much to you, Kadaj?”
“She was my mother.” Kadaj’s eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at the doctor. His tone made it plain that he thought the doctor was being rather dense about the whole thing.
“Was she?” Penelope returned calmly. “Did she raise you? Was she there for you when you needed comfort or reassurance? Did she really know anything about you at all?”
“Why are you asking me these things?” Kadaj suddenly hissed. His green eyes narrowed even further. He was getting angry. Rufus could practically feel the emotion in the air, and Kadaj’s form had become tense with it.
“Because,” Penelope responded calmly, “The answers to these questions are the key to making you better.”
“She didn’t know me,” Kadaj said after a few moments of silence. He stared at the floor again. “I don’t think she wanted to know me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because all she ever really cared about was him.”
Rufus felt the hairs at the nape of his neck stand on end at the pure hate he heard in Kadaj’s tone. The emotion was only mildly tempered by the hurt and anguish in Kadaj’s expression. Rufus glanced at Penelope, and could see that the doctor was debating whether or not to run with the opening Kadaj had just provided her. Again, he kept silent. Penelope was the professional here. Finally, Penelope spoke.
“Kadaj, who exactly are you talking about when you say him?”
Kadaj’s lips curled into a sneer, and he abruptly stood from the chair he’d been sitting on and returned to pacing the length of the hardwood floor.
“Why, the great and mighty Sephiroth, of course,” Kadaj spat as he turned on his heel and paced back the way he came. “He was the one mother loved. He was the one that she cared about!”
“You hate him,” Penelope stated.
“Oh, yes! Yes, I hate him!” Kadaj nearly shouted the words, and his motions were becoming more agitated. He lifted his hands to run them through his hair, and his fingers clenched at the silver strands for a moment before he let his hands drop and he continued his near-frantic pacing.
“Can you explain why?”
Kadaj stopped and spun around to face Penelope.
“Why?” Kadaj ground out. His emerald eyes were afire with rage now. “Because she chose him over me!”
“Then it is jealousy.” Penelope stated.
Rufus was beginning to contemplate butting in now. Kadaj was starting to radiate anger again, and while he thought that Penelope would be able to handle herself should Kadaj actually fly off the handle, Rufus still found himself thinking that he’d still rather avoid the situation.
“Oh, yes,” Kadaj replied. “And why shouldn’t I be? Everything I ever did was for Mother! I did everything she told me to do, was perfectly loyal, and she chose him over me! He didn’t even love her, and yet she chose him over me!”
“How can you be certain he didn’t love Jenova, Kadaj?” Penelope asked. “You yourself once told President Rufus that you didn’t really know Sephiroth, that you could only feel him.”
“And you knew him?” Kadaj sneered.
Rufus held his breath as Penelope gave Kadaj a wry smile.
“Actually, yes, I did,” Penelope said softly.
******
Up until that moment, Kadaj had been very angry. He hadn’t really wanted to talk to the doctor, and had only done so because he knew it was the only way, really, for him to get better. It had been okay, at first, until she’d steered their conversation towards Sephiroth. Would the man always haunt his life? And then Penelope had tried to tell him that he didn’t know anything at all about Sephiroth! He’d tried to call her bluff, but he’d not received the answer he’d expected.
“You knew him?” Kadaj managed to whisper. Why was it that everyone but him knew Sephiroth? Why was the man such a mystery to him and no one else?
“Very well, actually,” Penelope said. “I was his psychiatrist, as well.”
Kadaj felt his eyes grow wide at the revelation.
“This was why I asked her to help you,” Rufus said suddenly. “I figured if anyone would be able to understand, it would be her.”
Kadaj started slightly at the sound of his voice. He’d completely forgotten that the President was in the room, he’d been so silent. Kadaj turned to look at him, and wondered if his expression reflected how overwhelmed he suddenly felt. Something in Rufus’s eyes told him that it did, and Kadaj felt the sting of tears at the unguarded compassion he saw there. He made a frustrated noise as they started to fall, and he almost angrily dashed them away with the back of a hand. Why couldn’t he stay in control of his emotions, or at least keep them to himself?
“Perhaps I should go work in my office,” Rufus said.
“No!” Kadaj cried, and something close to panic started to rise in his chest. He threw a pleading look in Penelope’s direction. “He doesn’t have to go, does he?”
“No,” Penelope said. Her voice was colored with curiosity, and as such, Kadaj wasn’t surprised when she asked: “Why do you want him to stay?”
“I . . .” Kadaj let his words trail off, because he realized in that moment he had absolutely no idea why it was so important for Rufus to stay. He glanced at Rufus again, and found that the President was looking just as curious.
“You don’t have to answer that question,” Rufus said suddenly.
“No, you don’t,” Penelope agreed. For some reason she was smiling a little now. “But perhaps it is something you should think on later, when you are alone and not feeling under pressure. However, I do want for us to talk a little bit more about Sephiroth. I know you don’t want to, Kadaj, but it’s important that we do.”
Kadaj made a defeated sound and went to sit on the chair he’d vacated earlier. He pulled his legs up to his chest, encircled them with his arms and rested his chin on his kneecaps. He didn’t want to do this, but perhaps it would be better to just get it over with. Maybe it would help things move along faster, and then he could get better, and maybe then they’d let him forget about Sephiroth forever.
*****
It was nearly two hours later when Rufus escorted Penelope into the hallway outside the penthouse.
“He’s going to get better,” Penelope said as Rufus followed her into the hallway and shut the door behind himself. “He’s willing to talk, and that’s half the battle right there. We made a lot of progress today--much more than I thought we would. I’ll be back in three days for another session.”
“Thank you,” Rufus said. “I know you’re very busy right now, but I really appreciate the help in this matter.”
“It’s no problem at all,” Penelope said. She opened her mouth to say something else, and hesitated.
“What is it, Penelope?” Rufus prompted.
“His reaction when you tried to leave the room was not at all what I expected,” Penelope said.
“Nor I,” Rufus said. “He hates my guts.”
“No, I don’t think so,” Penelope said. She looked up at Rufus with a thoughtful expression on her face. “I’m curious . . . What are your feelings where Kadaj is concerned?”
Rufus’ eyebrows shot up in surprise for a moment before he frowned slightly. He’d had enough sessions with the woman himself to know better than to try and deny anything. The woman would know he was lying. Still . . .
“What does that have to do with anything?”
Penelope’s smile was sly and dangerous at the same time. Rufus swallowed hard and couldn’t help but feel as if the woman knew exactly what he was feeling.
“A lot, actually. I’ve been through Hojo’s records and studied them extensively. Of course, I concentrated mostly on the psychological aspects of his experiments, and I discovered an interesting fact about the children that Hojo cloned from the cells of Jenova and Sephiroth.”
“And what would that be?” Rufus asked.
“Nearly ninety-five percent of them had homosexual tendencies,” Penelope said.
Rufus could only stare at her as his mind tried to process the information.
“What does that have to do with anything?” He managed after a moment, and knew he wasn’t fooling her.
“Let me speak as both yours and Kadaj’s doctor,” Penelope said bluntly. “You need to set the tone of your relationship now Rufus, and then you need to stick with it. Kadaj is going to get better, but in the meantime, he will be far too fragile to deal with any uncertainty in his close relationships. Sephiroth and Jenova really screwed him over in the self-esteem department, and he’s not going to be able to withstand the subtleties of the mind games that sometimes come with establishing a romantic relationship. Are you with me so far?”
Rufus only nodded. The turn the conversation had taken had all but left him speechless.
“Good, then let me continue by saying that that young man does not hate you. Quite the contrary, you’ve somehow become his anchor, and that’s not a bad thing. I’m going to go a step further and say that I even think he’s attracted to you, but I don’t think that he realizes it yet. I am confident, however, that he will realize it. And that, Rufus, is why it’s very, very important that you decide now what you’re going to do about it. There’s no room for hesitation in this matter--anything less than a total commitment could destroy what’s left of Kadaj’s self-esteem.”
“What are you saying?” Rufus managed.
“I’m saying that I know you’re attracted to him, Rufus.” She put her hand up to stop his protest. “I’m not in any way saying that you brought him here because of that--I know you better than that.” Penelope let her hand drop and she sighed. “You’re a good man, Rufus, any idiot can see that. But . . .” she stopped and shook her head. “I’m walking a thin line here. Can I speak freely?”
Again, all Rufus could do was nod. A lump had formed in his throat, and Rufus was afraid that he’d never be able to speak past it.
“You’ve been alone for a very long time,” Penelope said quietly. “Your brush with death aside, you’ve been through emotional hell these past few years, and you are still healing from some of the wounds inflicted by your father. Your quest to rebuild Shinra and set things to right on the Planet will help, but you can’t spend the rest of your life alone, Rufus. You’re just not the type.”
“I can’t take advantage of him,” Rufus found himself saying, all but admitting that he felt something for Kadaj.
“Loving and caring for someone in their time of need is not taking advantage,” Penelope said with a wry smile. “You’re feeling guilty because you’re attracted to him.”
Rufus snapped his mouth shut and said nothing. The woman was good.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty, Rufus. You’re a healthy gay man, and Kadaj is very pretty,” Penelope said wryly. “But at this point in time it’s a very fragile beauty, and if you play games with him, he will break. If you want him, fine, but be prepared for the long haul. He won’t be able to take it if you break it off halfway through. If you don’t think you can live with that, then you need to make it perfectly clear from the very beginning that you are friends, and only friends . . .and then stick with it. Do you understand?”
Rufus managed a nod.
“I don’t think I need to tell you that if you do decide to pursue a relationship that it will be very difficult. Kadaj is sick, as I’m sure you know, and while today’s session went well, I in no way believe that all of the sessions are going to be this easy.” Penelope paused and gave Rufus a wry smile. “Not that I think any of this will deter you. You’ve never taken the easy way out of anything, and I think that you of all people know that anything worth having is also worth fighting for.”
“Yes,” Rufus whispered. That was a lesson he’d learned a long time ago, and re-learned as he’d struggled to recover from his brush with death.
“Just some things you need to think about,” Penelope said as she turned to summon the elevator from the floors below. “Like I said, I’ll be back in three days. In the meantime, don’t keep him cooped up. Either you or those scoundrels you call bodyguards should take him somewhere every day. Give him some good experiences--a library, a museum. . . Take him to see Cloud, too. I spoke with him last evening and both he and his fiancée want to help Kadaj. If we develop a strong support network for Kadaj now, it will be all that much easier for him when he has to face the very tough things later.”
“I’ll see to it,” Rufus said.
“Yes, I know you will,” Penelope said. She smiled fondly at Rufus, and a soft ding heralded the arrival of the elevator. “Have a good day, Rufus. Goodbye.”
Rufus only nodded, and Penelope disappeared behind the elevator’s sliding doors.
“Rufus?”
He turned to find Kadaj standing in the doorway, his expression uncertain.
“Is everything alright?” Kadaj asked.
“Yes,” Rufus answered with a vague smile.
“Were . . . were you talking about me?” Kadaj’s voice was small as he spoke the words.
“Yes,” Rufus answered honestly.
“Oh,” Kadaj whispered. His emerald eyes seemed fearful, suddenly, and he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. It made him seem terribly vulnerable, and Rufus had a strong urge to reach out and pull the man into his embrace and offer what comfort he could.
“It was nothing bad,” Rufus offered. “She thinks you did very well today.”
“Oh,” Kadaj repeated. A pause, and then: “Do you think I did well?”
It hit Rufus in that moment that Penelope had been right. Kadaj was attracted to him, even though he most likely did not realize it yet. She’d been right about that and about everything else she’d mentioned. He had to choose. He had to choose now, because Kadaj had been through enough hell and deserved to have one stable thing in his life. But what to choose? What would be best for Kadaj? What would be best for both of you? He could almost hear Penelope speaking the words to him, for she would have, had he put the question to her.
Rufus looked into Kadaj’s green eyes, and felt sudden fear. He knew what he wanted, and he knew what he was going to do, but the uncertainty of it all was daunting, to say the least. But Penelope had been right when she said that Rufus never took the easy way out of things, and he wasn’t about to start taking the easy road now.
“You did very well,” Rufus murmured. He gave into the urge to reach up and tuck a stray strand of silver hair behind Kadaj’s ear, and he forced himself to remain calm when his fingers brushed across the skin at Kadaj’s temple. Kadaj’s eyes grew momentarily wide before he smiled tentatively.
“Thanks,” Kadaj finally managed.
“You’re welcome,” Rufus murmured, and he ghosted his fingers across Kadaj’s cheekbone before he let his hand drop to his side. His fingers burned where they’d touched Kadaj’s skin, and he was already itching to touch that pale flesh again. He’d made his choice.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
Rufus would fight.
*****
TBC
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The Path to Redemption