Lamentations

*yes, I sort of get into others of the AVALANCHE here, but I think it’s like Vincent to know those kind of things… yeah, I know, I’m weird…*


Lamentations
Chapter Four
Everyone’s Secrets

It can be said that I know a good deal about my allies without them knowing a thing about me. They know the way I normally behave and don’t ask questions—directly to me anyway. It’s not that I go out of my way to know things… knowledge just accumulates in my almost mechanical memory and sits, waiting to be used. I pay close attention to my surroundings, and sometimes it is more of a burden than an asset.

I could have blackmailed every single one of them if I really wanted to. I knew almost everything there was to know about Cloud. Everyone knew that Tifa was in love with Cloud, but I’m not sure how many knew of her weakness to chocolate syrup strait out of the bottle, despite her impeccable attention to eating and acting healthy. That and she cried herself to sleep most nights.

Barret had struggled with steroids in his youth, a fact I heard him argue at Corel with the Huge Materia incident. Nanaki had a bad case of fleas but was too ashamed to ask for help. Yuffie was harboring a small crush for Tifa of all people, and thought her breasts were too small. I saw her through her cracked open door unintentionally, naked in front of a mirror, pinching her tiny nipples with a disapproving frown. “Fucking A-cups…” she was muttering.

I knew Cait Sith was manned by a Turk as soon as I heard him say, “Kissing ass’ll only get you so far. But kicking ass….” It was one of the Turk Commandments he’d spouted. He must not have realized that there was an ex-Turk within their midst. I didn’t say anything at the time—after all I was only along for the ride until Hojo was dead, right?

Now as for Cid, I only had minimal information—mostly because he was so damn honest about his flaws. Besides his almost frightening love and obsession for the Dukes of Hazard, he remained unscathed in my book despite the fact that he seemed most likely among us (besides myself) to have a dirty secret.

Imagine my discomfort in him knowing so much about me, if only in abstract bits and pieces. And though he was by no means innocent, he was human and perfectly flawed. The fact that he had seen the black madness of my past and repentance mad me feel that I had dirtied his humanity in some way. He was quiet lately—unusually so. Perhaps it was another thin film of guilt draped over my existence that caused me to seek him out on the Highwind deck. I had learned a hard lesson in my long sleep: act now, before it’s too late.

Cid was smoking like he always was, hunched over the railing and letting the night wind whip his hair and jacket around. What would a man like him be thinking at about four in the morning? It was deep, whatever it was. His hard blue eyes were on the ground some couple thousand feet below. He hadn’t shaved in a few days so it was hard to tell if he were trying to grow something or if he was just being lazy. His lips reminded me of that kiss he stole a few nights ago, and all the dreams and fantasies that had come alive attached to it.

Cid turned after a minute, no longer startled by my silent presence. “Hey,” he greeted with a half smile.

“I believe I owe you an apology,” I told him, not moving. I found myself craving his lips again. The mix of nicotine, skin and just him in that fleeting taste was driving me insane. But self control was a strong point of mine, so I kept my posture slack and detached.

“Huh?” He asked. “The hell for?”

Trust a mechanic to make things difficult… I tried to make it sound as politically correct as I could. “You were exposed to something… rather…” Humiliating? Disgusting? Beyond all light of hope?? “…traumatizing. I feel that I have… contaminated you in some way. Please forgive me.”

When Cid started to laugh I thought that perhaps I had stuttered and he had found it funny. But then I wasn’t sure what he was chuckling about. “Christ, Vince! Why do you blame yourself for the stupidest shit? I offered, remember?”

I leaned over on the railing next to him and almost smiled in a fond memory of Lucrecia. One of the few that were warm in the brief happiness that we had…

Why Vincent?

What?

Why not Vince or Vinny? Everyone else calls you Mr. Valentine.

This is ShinRa, Lucrecia.

I could call you ViVi *giggle*

You wouldn’t …

Sure I would!

Alright, if I can call you Lelou…

Oh, stop that! ^_^

“I suppose,” I agreed after a minute. But I had to wonder… if he truly knew what horrors were coming that night, why would he be willing to bring that onto himself?

“Hey Vince?” Cid was asking me, snapping me out of my reverie.

“Hm?”

“What does… ‘the senate is still corrupt and the emperor remains insane,’ mean?”

So he had picked up on that then. What a strange experience he must have had. If I had been a man of lesser self-control, I’m sure I’d have been labeled stark raving mad. A begrudging gratefulness to Cid was forming for not uttering a word, like I had asked.
“It’s a metaphor to ShinRa I suppose,” I explained. Damn my poetic mind.

“Huh. Creepy, but accurate.”

So that was the label he came up with? Creepy? Sometimes I envied a simple mind. “You think I’m creepy,” I repeated. Would Cid bed a “creepy” man? Well, I didn’t think that he had any homosexual tendencies until recently. Perhaps he would surprise me.

Cid was smirking. “In a good way,” he assured. “Life really isn’t all that bad, you know? It’s not all sorrow, though sometimes it kinda seems that way…” he pointed to the ball of fire in the sky that made it not quite night. “—like that big fireball in the sky. That’s depressing enough. The past is important, but it’s over. There comes a point where we all just need to move on… you know?”

Move on? Stop suffering? Alien notions. And selfish ones at that. Lucrecia died full of pain, hatred and sorrow—all because of me. I didn’t have the tiniest RIGHT to be happy. “Is healing even possible at that point?” I muttered in no particular direction.

“For sure,” Cid immediately offered. “Never said it was gonna be easy, speedy or pretty. But definitely possible. I’m not gonna be the one to tell you what to do though. It ain’t my place.”

That honesty—something I’d never had before—was the object of my desire suddenly, housed in someone as simple as Cid. I wanted him all over again. I wanted to push him down on the floor and devour him; drown him in myself and all my taint. I felt blood rush to my face in this crazy desire to defile him.

But not here.

“Do you…?” I started, but the request died on my lips. How could I be that selfish? To saturate Cid with myself would be his death warrant. No, I wouldn’t be responsible for two deaths of that nature.

“What?” Cid asked after a minute of waiting.

I backed away, ashamed of my lust for him. “Nothing. Nothing worthy of anything…” Cloud was a sensitive soul on a deeper level. Yuffie calling him an asshole was a mosquito bite. My betrayal (though no promises were made) would be a drop kick to the head.

As I was turning to leave I felt his fingers weave through my long hair. The contact gave me goosebumps. The fact that he even wanted me at all proved him naïve, but all the more desirable. His lips… I had to have one more taste…

I whipped around and caught his mouth, devouring it by exploring every taste and shudder; savoring every fleeting second. My desire sprang to life and as Cid clumsily pulled us closer, my pain parted with that strange void again. It was as if I could have just a few moments of erotic bliss with him, I could be a happy man…

No. Not for me.

I yanked myself away and refused to look at him. Self control… ABSOLUTE self control to resist his temptation! I made my way off deck… this couldn’t be happening.

My second step was interrupted by a tug on the tattered red cloak that I just didn’t have the heart to throw away. It was Cid, with a fistful of the cloth clenched in his fist, looking angry and confused.

“Dammit, Vince!! Why d’you keep DOING that?!”

Now you’ve done it, Valentine! He’s expecting something now… I couldn’t give in though, as much as I wanted to. I could have fessed up about Cloud to get out of this easily, but that would be a major breach in confidence. Despite my indifference towards whatever “relationship” we had, I wouldn’t with the betrayal of trust on anyone save Hojo. No, best to be vague.

I took Cid’s hand in mine and traced the lines in it with my thumb, more to ease my tension than his. “Your dreams, Cid. Didn’t they come true?”

Cid tentatively took his hand back, flexing his fingers to shake off the shiver I saw run up his arm. “I… yeah. You were there…”

The rocket. I can’t say that I’d really had a wonderful time as we spiraled in space—in fact it had made me quiet queasy. But I had seen Cid in a fog of awe and wonder, cursing in his revelry of the moment. That had been the instant his dream came to life.

I nodded. “What stopped you before?”

“Uh… circumstance, I guess,” he muttered.

Close enough. “Ah. Circumstance. Then you have your answer.”


End Chapter Three
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I apologize sillyrabbit for taking the chocolate syrup thing… I kinda turned it into a Fanon… it just struck me as something Tifa would do. ^_^ r/r, I love your feedback!