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Final Fantasy VII: MST3K	By : Kiune Category: Final Fantasy VII > General Views: 1186 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We do not own Final Fantasy VII or MST3K nor do we make money from it. But we do own you.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
Authors’ Note: This delightful little MST has been in the works for quite some time as we discovered this fanfiction a couple years ago. A Vincent fic was requested by one of our lovely reviewers and so we decided to punish them with this little number.

Here is this episode’s drinking game because reading this sober will destroy more braincells than reading it under the influence:

Take a sip for Vincent every time he dies a little inside.

Take a shot for every random change in “plot”.

If you're the designated driver, again, drink every time someone acts in character

Finally, if you have health insurance or live in a country with free health care and can afford to have your stomach pumped, drink every time you feel the urge to beat the Mary Sue to death with a claw hammer.

“Happy Vincent Valentine’s Day!” by, Blue Eyed Assasin

Me: This is my tribute to the god of love himself.

Vinny: Oh god...oh god...ohgod!

Vincent: Oh......God.

Jo hey so lets go i wanna go

Me: you wanna get beaten up...okay.

Tifa: Who the hell is she talking to?

Okay I wrote this yet again at 3:39 in the Damn mornin

RedXIII: That’s an oddly specific time.

Cid: I can believe she wrote the whole thing in one minute.

No I DONOT own final fantasy VII or anything for that matter... COPYWRITES FOR THE POOR!

Aerith: How about proofreaders for the poor?

Anyways this is my VINNY VALENTINE SPECIAL... it is actually serious and for those who don't like me for not updatin i am sorry my com has had a 4week old Virus! OOOHHHH YEAH jo is mine!

Vincent walked down the street toward the inn.

Cloud: Wait, are we still in the author’s notes now?

Reeve: Maybe this is the computer virus talking.

The wind blew against his face stinging as it carressed off his cheeck. Cold. That was all he ever felt since the fateful day Cloud strife had awoken him.

Yuffie: *Snrk*.

He was deep in thought about what to do know that meteor had been destroyed, maybe he would go back to the Shinra mansion.

Vincent: That might be best for one such as I...to dream again in that undying sleep, hearing with every restless hour the cries of the ones I loved and damned, their ruined lives chalked upon the slate of my soul as sins for which I can never atone...the dark of the crypt below the labs where my heart was torn from me...too much hope is the opposite of despair--

Cid: Save it for your livejournal, Vince.

That is if it was still there. According to reeve the Turks had been having free for alls al around the world.

Reno: What? You would too if you had a helicopter and a rich boss.

Tseng: We did leave part of the stairs intact... sort of...enough to walk on. Kind of.

He was suddenly brought out of this thought by the sound of someone bieng slammed into a metal fence. "LGod please no" he heard a faint plea it was a girl and from the pitch of her voice couldn't be older than 18.

Cloud: Please, LGod, don’t let this be our main character.

Vincent turned into the alley way where he heard the sounds. He saw a man in his late 30's early 40's holding the girl by her neck a gun in his hand. The girl was in pretty bad shape her arm was dripping with blood her lip was bleeding and her face was all bruised and cut.

Tseng: Pffft...sounds like the tamest of Turk training, so what?

"Why, so you can live you stupid bitch"

Tifa: ….Yeah, that’s sort of the reason for not wanting to die. I assumed that would have been obvious.

Aerith: I wish I were still dead.

Sephiroth: That can be arranged.

….the man replied to the girls plea and backhanded her across the face. Vincent casually strolled out from the shadows and stood a perfect shot away from the man.

Cid: Hell with that, just snipe him from the fuckin’ roof.

Vincent: I can’t, it’s not a cut scene.

"What the hell do you want?" asked the man acting all high and mighty as he through the redhead to the ground. "Yes actually I would like you to leave this young lady alone" Vincent in a cocky voice he had obviously picked up from Cloud.

Vincent: (wince) LGod, my dignity...

"no don't" the gil squeeked.

Cloud: Wow, talking money?

Reno: Forget the domestic dispute, just grab the talking coins, yo!

The man belted her across the side of her face with the gun. "Shut up bitch!" He yelled "or do you want me to shoot you know" The girl bit her lip. "Whats wrong with a man dicaplining his daughter"

Reno: Dicaplining? Anything like busting a cap in her ass, yo?

Vincent felt a peirce in his heart the same feeling he felt when he heard of Lucrecia's fate only not as strong.

Cid: It was like when Hojo started spanking Lucretia......what?

Vincent: (clicks the safety off)

Vincent had seen the girl before at the Inn she seemed fearless almost cold but he could see know she was just hiding the harsh reality she faced every day.

Aerith: He could sense the waves of emo coming off the Mary Sue.

Cid: His vampy senses were tingling.... excuse me, sparkling.

How could anyone treat their own children like that? he asked himself . The man lifted his gun to meet the girls face "open"he said calmly "I said open your damn mouth!" He yelled again this time she obeyed. He slid his gun into her mouth.

Reno: ….*snrk...pffft*!

Tifa: ...wow.

Reeve: Well, Freud was right.

It was obvious she was petrified know like noone was there to stop what was happening. Hot tears drizzled down the side of her face. The man tightened the grip on the trigger the girl closed her eyes. She was ready for death. Vincent pulled out Death penalty.

Reno: Wow, he’s gonna shoot her himself, yo?

Tifa: Well, she said she was ready.

Barrett: Finally, we get the end we’ve been prayin’ for in all these stories.

Shots rang out through the air 3 shots were fired.

Yuffie: Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby!

Cloud: Didn’t we already do that once before?

The girl oened her eyes. She looked over and saw her father on the ground dead to bullets embedded in his chest. But the third where was it? She looked down and saw it in her leg.

Cloud: Wow, you actually did shoot the girl?

Vincent: No... If I had, I wouldn’t have missed all the major arteries.

Vincent walked over to the girl. He knelt down infront of the girl trying to assess her wounds but as soon as he came within arms reach she couldn't help herself she wrapped her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder.

Tifa: Yes, hug the armed killer in the dark alleyway.

Aerith: I instantly trust you, gun-wielding murderer!

Vincent was just a little shocked at this out burst but he could understand why she did it.

Tseng: Wonderful -- can you explain it to me?

"Can you walk?" he asked her. his tone ws soft and coaxing it made hher trust him imediatly.

RedXIII: Did that computer virus eat some of her letters?

"No i can't" she replied her voice was as soft as silk. Vincent scooped up the girl and began to walk out of the alley way. "I am gonna take you somewhere to get treated okay?" he asked her .

Tifa: Great, drop her at a free clinic so we can get on with some real stories.

She mumbled a reply and pulled herself closer to Vincent. His scent was so good it smelt like her favorite cologne she couldn't remember what it was called but she loved it.(A/N: SORRY I COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD SMELL FOR VINCENT BUT REPLACE IT WITH YOUR OWN FAVE SMELL... I LIKE AFTER SHAVE)

All: …..........

Tifa: Okay, everybody insert your own Vincent smell!

Reno: Leather, sweat, and blood.

Aerith: Cinnamon, newly laundered sheets, and stale chrism oil?

Sephiroth: This is the weirdest choose-your-own-adventure I’ve ever read.

Cid: Hot steel, pepper steak, and kerosene.

Vincent: Stop...stop smelling me.

"are you cold?" vincent asked the girl. "Just a bit i feel damp" she told him...

Yuffie: Tee hee hee, I’m sure she did.

...and Vincent noticed her white shirt ws staind red and almost dripping with blood.

Vincent: But I only shot her in the leg.

Vincent took one of his hands and unclasped his clouck and wrapped it around the girl. "Your name is Jo right?" he asked her he had heard the barmaids and people at the inn call her that. "Yes" she said "What is yours?" She asked him. "Vincent Valentine" he replied. she let out a bit of a giggle. "Whats so funny?" he asked her. "It's just that today is well it Valentines day." Vincent let out a bit of a smile.

Cid: Hehehehe.

Vincent: Shut up.

Tifa: Should we get you some flowers and candy?

Vincent: It’s going to be the Valentine’s Day Massacre if you don’t shut up.

They aproached the Inn. Vincent walked up the stairs with the girl in his arms. He knocked on the door with his elbow and Cloud came to the door "Why didn't you just let yourself in?"

Cloud: Yeah, he usually creeps in through the window, and once through the chimney. Marlene thought he was Santa.

...he asked and looked up with a simple "oh" and let him in. Vincent put the Girl in his bed. and began pulling off her jacket "Yo Vince what are you-"

RedXIII: When are you going to eat that?

Vincent: Too sugary for me. Help yourself.

Cid: Aw fuck, that bitch’ll make you diabetic!

Vincent shot Cid a look and he shut up. He finished pulling of the jacket by know she had passed out either from bloodloss or pain. She had been shot three times and had a large gash under her eye from where she was struck with the gun.

Cloud: Vincent got in a little target practice on the way to the Inn.

Vincent got the first aide kit and begen attending to her wounds. He was about to leave when Cid stopped him at the doorway. "You can't leave her with that bloodied shirt on" he said

Reno: Subtle, yo. I’ll have to try that next time I want to get a girl out of her clothes.

Tseng: I’d rather you just kept paying them.

"but i can't-" Vincent tried to give an explanation "its okay Vince i got it" Tifa said with a sweet smile "i'll lend her one of my shirts"

Cloud: *Snrk* Why bother?

-LATER-

" so whats the deal with this girl Vince?" Cloud asked after Tifa came back. "She was getting beaten up by her father in an alleyway i overheard while walking back here and he was about to shoot her" he explained

Cloud: (eyebrow) I was kidding about Vincent’s being the one who shot her, but if her father really didn’t shoot her, then...

Cid: Then Vincent should finish the fucking job!

"i couldn't just leave her Could I?" He asked his friends.

Aerith: It might have been kinder than riddling her with bullets.

"Why don't we ask her more when she starts to feel better?" Yuffie suggested. "Yeah I guess so" Vincent said in reply. "Why don't we go to bed?" Red XII suggested.

Red XIII: “Red Twelve”? I’ve been demoted.

Everyone agreed. But there was one problem, only Tifa seemed to realise this. "ummmm where is Vincent gonna sleep?" she asked.

Vincent: I slept enough for thirty years...tormented by visions of loss--

"I am not tired i don't think I'm gonna go to bed tonight." he told her

Vincent: (sighs) Or you could put it like that.

It was a big lie and Tifa knew it but she really didn't want or know how to argue with Vincent.

Aerith: I think the real question here is, what does Vincent smell like?

Once everyone was asleep Vincent let out a yawn and walked out the door. he wanted to go see what happened to the girl's father.

Reno: Uh, you shot him, yo? He died?

Tseng: He must poke him with a stick to verify the death.

Vincent walked down the streets. He began to think to were they going to do after tomorrow?

Cloud: Think to were...were they to going to...what? When?

were they all just going to walk away almost like nothing had happened?

Tifa: Well, let’s see, I’m going back to a burnt-out slum to serve beer to shell-shocked survivors...

Barrett: I’m drillin’ for oil, ‘cause fuel made from dead bodies is better than fuel made from dead souls...

Cid: I’m just waiting around to be used as a goddamn taxi service...

Vincent: I must atone...eventually...

Reno: And we’re playing bodyguards for a crippled boss in rehab. Y’know, in between our globetrotting free-for-alls.

If they were he couldn't do it he couldn't go back to the dark not alone...not again. Caitsith had already left Reno was there to get it when they left the crater. And the girl what about her? What were they going to do with somone who would obviously need some comfort after last nights ordeal.

Cid: Right...”comfort.”

Cloud: Shirtless, vulnerable “comfort.”

Vincent: I’m sleeping on the roof rather than be near her. This should tell you something.

Maybe he thought maybe she could stay with him, that is if she wanted to. He felt hopeful. A smile crossed his face he couldn't help but be happy if things turned out. But if they didn't... than what? He pirched himself against a wall tilted his head down and closed his eyes deep in thought.

Vincent was disturbed by the sound of a bird chirping.

Cloud: So he shot it.

he slowly opened his eyes to see the sun rising. What had seemed only an hour. Had been all night. he began to walk back to the Inn.

Cid: He could only. Speak. Like William Shatner.

When he got back into the room he found Jo in the kitchen with Tifa taking an advil massaging her head with her good arm. She looked at Vincent when he walked in. Her checks began to go a pinkish colour. She began to speak "Vincent may i please talk to you alone?" she asked and began to walk into the bedroom.

Yuffie: Bow-chicka-bow-wow...

Tifa eyed Vincent as he followed a look of confusion in her eyes.

"ummm I just wanted to say thanks" "It wasn't a problem. If you want to talkabout anything we can" he said comforting her.

Cid: And suddenly, Vincent became Dr. Fucking Phil.

His voice was smoothe and tender and made her heart feel light and fluffy. "He hated me because my mother died while giving birth to me" she told him

Cloud: But he’s dead now, so we can move on.

"He worked for the turks and had to quit to stay with me."

Tseng: You don’t quit the Turks.

Reno: Hey, I decided I want to leave the organization, can you tell me the way to the exit?

Vincent: Certainly -- it’s through the hole I just shot through your head.

Tseng: Hehehe...classic.

tears had begun to swelll in her eyes. "after that nothing i did was right. I did all the chores but they weren't done right. I got a's he wanted A plusses even got a job to support us. It didn't matter no matter how hard i tried i would always be his burden to bear...

Tifa: Except that he is dead, so get over it.

...Yesterrday was my birthday I turned 18 the legal age so that i could leave. I told him I was leaving he didn't care or so I thought anyway" By know tears were freely drizzling down her face. "He followed me and jumped me in the alleyway." she began to gaze past Vincent past the wall into nothing. "I don't get it though, why was i punished for relieving somebody"

Cid: He’s dead! Passed on! Ceased to be!

Aerith: He has gone to meet his maker!

Reeve: Bereft of life, he rests in peace!

Tifa: If he wasn’t buried beneath cement and rubble he’d be pushing up daisies!

Sephiroth: He’s kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!

Vincent: This...is an ex-dickhead!

She began to breackdown. HE embraced her. His arms protecting her from the ruthless reality surrounding her. She closed her eyes and pulled herself closer to his chest she let out a sigh. "Can i stay with you?" she asked him "I don't want to be alone anymore"

Vincent: No.

"Of course you can" he told her.

Vincent: Aargh!

After they met up and talked to Reeve about the future of Midigar and ShinraCid was piloting everyone to there destinations.

Tseng: ShinraCid? Any relation of yours?

Cid: Yeah, he’s my parallel universe self from Midigar.

Vincent and Jo decided they would stop by the gold saucer first. Jo had begged Vincent the whole way there. He said yes almost on impulse he was actually planning on going himself.

Vincent: (buries his head in his hand and gauntlet)

Red XIII: Thus perished Vincent’s dignity.

Cloud: They all claim to love us for our lonely, tragic badassery, so why do they have to tear it all down every time they write us?

Sephiroth: Because fangirls cannot create...they can only destroy.

Everyone seemed really happy for the two. Jo tried racing chocobos she wasn't half bad either.

Cloud: Well, that’s how I got Tifa to like me, letting her ride my gigantic blond cock.

Tifa: *punch*

Cid: Wait, you let me ride your Chocobo too...

"I love it here!" she told Vincent after picking up the money for her won race. "I overheard people talking about the battledome doing pairs fighting."

Tifa: Really? I heard about a teenage girl rewriting the laws of reality to fit her own romantic fantasies.

Vincent told her "then lets go!" she yelled.

Yuffie: Woah, where’d the Rule 63 come from?

They signed up and Jo pulled out her materia. "How ar eyou going to fight?" vincent asked her "I'm a white mage"she said in reply.

Reno: What the fuck’s a white mage?

Tifa: I read about those in history class...they used to accompany fighters and thieves and healed them after fighting over sized rats in old cellars.

Reno: Huh, kinda sounds like a shitty video game.

"I doo fight sometimes though"

Cloud: Oh, she does fight? Beware of her useless mallet that no sane party resorts to unless they already know they’re going to die.

Vincent and Jo began to fight at first they were facing small miniscule enemies like toads, griffons, those wolf things that you see in the arctic.

Cid: What, you mean wolves?

Sephiroth: May they meet their doom with an exploding penguin.

Even the Midigar Zolum was easy to beat. Vincents blood was boiling Chaos was overpowering finally he couldn't hol it in anymore. Jo stood there dumbstruck for a few moments "Holy crap" she said in shock. Vincent totalled the snake and they beat their eight oponents.

They were staying in the haunted Inn and they were up in their room. Vincent walked in from the kitchen and joe came out of nowhere and kissed him.

Cid: Huh, she’s taking the whole “transformed into a demon and ripped the liver and lights out of a thirty-foot-tall swamp snake” thing pretty damn well.

Her lips felt like warm pillows against his. She embraced him and he embraced her.

Reno: Whoa, embracing, yo? Hope they used protection!

Tseng: Virgin alert.

Tifa: It’s really steaming up now! We have full-blown hugging action!

"I love you" she whispered to him. "I love you too"

Cid: Ohhh I looooove you! (obnoxious batting of eyelashes)

Vincent: Love? What a fag...

~END~

Jo: More I want more oooh oooohhh and toung action!

Vincent: HHHHHMMMMM

Me: you'll just have to wait tell next Valentines day hahahahha anyways next year i think I'lll lean mort to KH or advent c. For all those who are wonderin why i haven't updated...my comp hates me and i no longer have ms word!i will update sooon and R&R If not I won't be able to make anymore fics cause no one will revue me!

RedXIII: What’s a toung?

Vincent: Why am I humming?

Tseng: Why does she need a revue to keep writing?

Aerith: Why would anyone want her to update?

KAY SO AFTER ABOUT A MONTH OF SAD WRITERS BLOCK AND WATCHING ROMEO AND JULIET I THINK I AM GONNA ATTEMPT I REPEAT ATTEMPT ANOTHER CHAPTER.

Vincent: No....

Aerith: She took inspiration from Romeo and Juliet?

Tseng: That means she’ll die, right?

Cid: Not until after Vincent kills himself.

OH AND NO I DO NOT OWN FF7 BUT I DO OWN HELLCAT AND JO SO THERE MWAHAHAHA SRY FOR NOT UPDATIN EARLIER I HAD TO START MY SONGFIC FOR SEPHY!

Sephiroth: Her what, for whom??

Vincent: Luckily for you, we seem to have skipped that one.

~*********************************************************************~

Sephiroth: Please...Mother...tell me she didn’t really do it.

Vincent: No...but watch the Horrid Poetry Hour for something even more bizarre. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Joe looked out the window at the large courtyard.

Cid: (singing) Heyyy, Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand...

Her and Vincent had arrived at the mansion just earlier that day and they had already begun work on the basement. They were shredding every document on where Jenova was found and how the cells were put into the hosts.

Sephiroth: !!!! WHY??

Reeve: It’s not like that information could ever be important or useful, like, say, if a plague of Jenova cells starts killing off all our orphans...

It also seemed to her that Vincent was also looking for something. She already knew about Hojo and Lucretia and everything that happened to him when he was a Turk after the match at the battle arena when he turned into chaos.

Aerith: Wow... she’s certainly an insightful one.

Cloud: Yeah, most of us needed an entire Vincent-centric spinoff game, and truckloads of supplementary materials, to figure it out.

Yuffie: I still don’t get it.

"Lunch is ready" he called to her from in the other room. They had decided to take a break and eat before they kept going. She had asked if he needed any assistance in the kitchen but he assured her that he could do it and to just relax.

Vincent: Then I escaped through the kitchen window and spent the next two years hiding in the Forgotten City, waiting for the real plot to find me.

She took a deep breath and closed the window and left into the kitchen. She was at the bottom of the stairs watching Vincent with slight amusement as he put spices into the soup he was making.

Cid: Spices? Yeah, I guess cyanide is kinda spicy...

She had never really seen Vincent as a cook but then again he said ever since he could remember he lived alone so she guessed that it would only make sense.

Tseng: Except for the time he remembered living with Lucretia as her body guard... and his time as a Turk... and that time with his family.... One could argue that those voices in his head are other people as well.

She closed her eyes for a second at the dizzy spell that suddenly came over her. Just then she had what you could call a vision I suppose. She was standing in the middle of a ruined city there was fire everywhere it looked a lot like Kalm.

Reeve: Except for the “on fire” part.

She turned quickly to see to figures shadowed standing on high spots in the ruble.

Sephiroth: They were standing in a pile of Russian coins?

One of them had silver hair. "Sephiroth" she thought. The other figure seemed totally in human it was female, you could tell by the shape but it seemed it was genetically modified or altered in some way. It had cat ears and a log whip like tail.

Red XIII: A log whip? Sounds awkward.

She focused in between them to see what they were looming over and she saw Vincent face down a pool of blood around him. He was covered in bruises and cuts. She ran to be with him but a pillar of fire surrounded him.

Tseng: Apocalyptic psychic visions -- when you just can’t be bothered to write plot transitions.

Her eyes shot open as she took a heavy breath.

"Are you alright" Vincent asked concerned. "You just passed out on the bottom of the stairs"

Yuffie: It would have been funnier if she had passed out at the top of the stairs.

She looked around. She was in the master bedroom with a cloth over her forehead.

Aerith: Ah, the cure-all powers of the wet washcloth.

She shot up and looked at Vincent the fear in her eyes was disturbing. Her green eyes glowed un-naturally and darted around the room.

"They're coming"

"Who's coming"?

Tseng: The British.

"Sephiroth and... who was it" She ran a hand through her hair as she tried hard to remember.

Reno: It was Catwoman.

RedXIII: With a log for a tail.

"That's impossible we defeated him he is dead" Vincent said almost in a panic.

Vincent: What does that matter? I was dead for awhile.

Cloud: So was I.

Sephiroth: I have season tickets to death.

"Un less the life stream heeled him rather than killing him" She said as she looked at Vincent. "The life stream spared Aeris who's to say that it wouldn't spare him."

Aerith: Umm...really? Because I still ended up kind of dead.

Reeve: So how are you here now?

Aerith: By the power of plotholes.

"I have to call Cloud" Vincent went to get up before he slumped back down a confused look on his face. "How do you know for sure?" he asked her trying his best to look sincere and not judgemental.

"It happened a couple of times before, on other occasions with... HELLCAT

Tseng: er...bless you?

...that's who was with Sephiroth" she said.

"Hellcat?" Vincent asked just slightly confused by all of this.

All: Slightly?

"She's a demon that I released a couple of years ago"

"Wait, you realized a demon?" he asked her.

Tifa: When she realized it was a demon, it was too late.

Vincent: Can you tell me how to release mine?

"It's really hard to explain but I was sure I put her back"

Aerith: How many times do I have to tell you, don’t leave your demons lying around when you’re done playing with them?

"What if Sephiroth knew something and released her?" Vincent asked.

Jo got a strange look on her face like she knew something but was contemplating weather to tell him or not.

Vincent: Stop contemplating the weather and explain yourself!

"I'm gonna go call Cloud" Vincent said.

Just as Vincent neared the phone it rang. He picked up to hear a distressed Cloud on the other line.

"Vincent?"

"Cloud is that you?"

"Vincent, Tifa she's... dead"

Cloud: Linguo....dead?

Tseng: Linguo is deaaaaad....

"What? How?"

Tifa: And why? The mary sue already “has” Vincent, why does she need to kill me off?

"He's back. Sephiroth he's back he and someone else they killed Tifa I came back and she was dead at the bar. I saw him and some girl bolt out of the window"

Aerith: For the last time, where are the Phoenix Downs??

Jo came down the stairs to hear the whole conversation. Well, Vincent's side anyhow.

"If that's the case then we're gonna need everybody here ASAP" Jo interrupted. "Tell Cloud to get everyone here now," she said.

Sephiroth: How does she know that? From where she’s standing, all she heard was “Hello” and “What?”

***************CLOUDS POV FROM WHEN HE FINDS TIF******************

I walked down the streets of Kalm it was raining pretty hard. I was heading back home after training in the greenlands.

Cloud: Level 8 muggers are a great way to keep my level 99 skills in shape.

Me and Tifa moved to Kalm to avoid some bad memories that still harbored in Midigar. I could have sworn I saw some strange figures watching me but it was probably my eyes playing tricks on me.

Cloud: My years of training and augmented senses did not in any way alert me to possible threats.

I swung open the door to the bar. It stopped part way. Something was in the way. I saw a red liquid pouring out from under the door. I prayed to the ancients that it wasn't what I knew it was.

Tifa: Six months ago you didn’t know what the Ancients were.

Aerith: And now he seems to think they’re gods, so...I guess he still doesn’t know.

Reeve: It’s like Luke Skywalker going from not knowing what the Force was, to preaching it like a fanatic.

Sephiroth: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

I couldn't bare to lose another person I loved. I slid in between the small crack between the door and the wall to see Tifa lying on the ground with cuts all over her body. I looked up at the window and saw some red and black drift by. I turned Tifa over to see that she had to have been attacked without warning. She still had the sorry We're closed sign in her hands. It was weird the style that she had been killed was the same style that Sephiroth used...

Sephiroth: Pfah. That’s not my style. I would have stayed to revel in Cloud’s mortal anguish as his world crumbled beneath him, destroying his willpower and seducing him gradually to follow and serve me.

Reno: ...Sounds like fun.

...and the same as chaos...Vincent.

Tifa: All three of them? So I was impaled, shot, and mauled?

Tseng: That’s what we refer to as ‘overkill.’

Would he do this? No he wouldn't.

Yuffie: Can we fix it?

Aerith: Yes we can!

I try to tell myself this as I call him. I'm on the highwind know with the rest of the Ex- Avalenche members all except for Tifa and Vincent.

Tifa: Because Vincent is on the phone and I am dead.

*****************************General pov*********************************

Reno: Whoa, that’s like a 37-star general.

Very one had arrived at the mansion and they were in the oversized living room.

"What's going on?" Yuffie asked apparently no one had told her what had happened. Apparently Cloud hadn't told either of them what had happened.

"Well" Vincent began with a breath "Apparently Sephiroth is still alive and he has a new accomplice."

"$#!% that's impossible!" Cid yelled.

RedXIII: You actually do shout in punctuation marks?

Tseng: You look like Beetle Bailey when you do that.

"Where's Tifa?" Yuffie said when she realized that her friend was not present.

Apparently Cloud hasn't told them that either Vincent thought to himself. There was a loud silence. Before Cloud began to speak. His voice was strangely different. It was softer full of regret and sorrow.

"Tifa is dead" He said un able to hold in the tears that streamed down his eyes. Barret finally stood up and grabbed him by the collar and lifted him of the ground in fury.

Cloud: Hm. This is surprisingly compelling and in-character.

"You stupid bastard!" He yelled. "What the f*** did you do to her! You said you would protect her! I guess you can't protect anyone you love!" Everyone knew what he meant when he said that. He meant Aeris.

Cid: Ooohh, too soon, man.

Angrily Barret through Cloud on the ground he waited for Cloud to get up before hitting him with his gun arm. Cloud flew back before hitting the ground with a loud thump. Everyone watched in bewilderment Cloud never took this kind of punishment. He must really have felt guilty.

Sephiroth: You must be enjoying this, Cloud.

Barret walked over to hit Cloud once again before Jo stepped in front of him and put her arms out to protect the older man.

Reno: Well, that pretty much fucks the drama up the ass, back to your regularly scheduled Sue.

"That's enough! It's my fault that Tifa is dead and that Hell Cat is out and about on another killing spree.

Cloud: How do I know about Hellcat? Two minutes ago I thought Vincent was the other suspect.

Tifa: Because a character known as “Hellcat” is so generic it’s easy to guess she was responsible?

The life stream decided to revive Sephiroth and God only knows what he had planned." Barret turned around and sat down in a flump.

Tifa: I feel strangely honoured that my pointless death could inspire the story’s single scene of decent writing.

Jo turned around and reached her hand out to Cloud who took it shakily before sitting back down.

Once everything settled down the questioning began.

"So, who is Hell cat anyway?" Caitsith asked.

Reno: (as Cait Sith) Can I have her number?

Reeve: No, the pink mog was the only love in my er... his life.

"The first thing you have to understand is I'm not from here" she said a bit of hesitation in her voice. Everyone looked at her with confusion and she spoke again trying to clarify things.

"I'm from a different reality an Alternate Reality if you will...

Cid: Oh, fuck me with a chainsaw, here we fucken go. Bring on the crazy.

Vincent: Abandon plot, all ye who enter here.

... I was born there and something happened and my mother took me here using her magic. What happened according to my mother was the world plummeted into darkness and the pits of hell opened releasing all the demons inside.

Cloud: When did we get into the script for Constantine?

There was a great war between the angels and the demons humans were caught in the middle and when my mother created a portal...

Yuffie: Holy crap, her mother was Chell?

….to escape one of the demons managed to get through.

Vincent: Remember last chapter, when her mother died in childbirth and her father was an ex-Turk? What happened to that?

The time compression left it too weak to attack immediately so it waited 14 years and attacked. As a guardian herself my mother attempted to protect me from it and decided not to tell me. She had no idea that we would be attacked.

Tseng: I’m sure that rogue demon that followed me through a gate from the planes of Hell will never come up again.

So, when I was 14 it attacked my mother had no magical essence from making the portal. I tried my best to seal it in a cave using magical seals but some one or something released it."

Cloud: Okay, we’re officially in a different story now. Did that computer virus somehow mix and match her documents?

By know she was looking at the floor ashamed. She lifted her head up for a minute "unless she learned how to counter the seals."

"So wait a second let me get this straight. You fought this thing four years ago and know its back.

RedXIII: Now! Now!The word is now! There is no ‘k’ in the word ‘now’!

So where's your mom maybe she can help us figure this out?" Yuffie suggested.

"She was killed in the battle"

Every one decided they should sleep on it before deciding what to do.

Barrett: Fuck it, this makes no sense, lets go to bed.

Jo went out onto the balcony to take a couple of breaths of fresh air. It was about 2:30 in the morning and she couldn't sleep due to her excellent sleep earlier.

Tseng: You mean when she passed out on the stairs?

She saw Cloud had beaten her there. She stepped out and looked ahead of her it was a beautiful night. She went and stood beside him leaning over the balcony.

She let out a sigh before she spoke. "I'm sorry," she said as she looked at Cloud. He looked into her eyes his blue ones shone unnaturally in the night as did hers just because of what she was.

"For what?" he asked back small look of confusion on his face.

"For not being able to harness my power fully, for that you paid for it dearly."

"It's not your fault you were young and you didn't know anything about your past. But I have two questions for you"

Cid: One -- Why the hell did they cancel Firefly?

Aerith: And two -- what does Vincent smell like?

"mmm?"

"Well Vincent said that when he met you your father was beating you up but if you're an angel than doesn't that mean that in the long run you could have defended yourself?"

Tseng: So...this is the same story? But then how...why...what?

Reno: Shit, man. This makes even less sense than how you survived the Ancient temple, boss.

Barrett: Wait, when did she say she was an angel?

Cid: So maybe Vincent did kill her.

"No, as an angel I can only use my powers to destroy evil things or help good things."

"And you didn't see him as an evil threat?"

"A threat yes. Evil, no just very very confused"

"Was your father an angel too?...

Sephiroth: The angel of child abuse?

...Because in there" he gestured to the house as he did this "you said that only your mother and Hell cat went through the portal."

Cloud: No! Stop trying to tie it together! You’re only making it worse!

She let out a bit of a laugh "hm, well you seem to be the only one to have caught on. My father was from Wutai."

"Oh"

Tifa: This makes even less sense than Reeve infiltrating our group with a Scottish robotic cat riding a mog.

"Listen, we really need to figure out how we're going to approach this" her voice became more direct and straightforward rather than coaxing.

"I know you're upset about Tifa but you can't go rushing into things. That's just what they want."

"You act like you've known them your whole lives"

Vincent: How many lives does she have?

Aerith: At least nine, though Jostar may have lost some to Shadowclan.

Cid: It all makes sense now -- the Mary Sue is Hellcat!

Tifa: That would actually be an impressive twist.

Tseng: Which means it won’t happen in this story.

"Hell cat pulled the same thing on me and that's why my mom died. Not only did it cause me to jump in without thought it also caused a lot of hatred between me and my father. That's just the way she operates"

"And what about Sephiroth? I've known him my whole life and he would probably jump in first."

Sephiroth: ...No, no you haven’t. You’ve met me in person, what, three times? Before Nibelheim I couldn’t have picked you out of a lineup.

Aerith: Oh great, he still thinks he’s Zack in this story.

"I'm just saying wait till you're sure you know what you're getting yourself into before you go. I saw your bag packed and everything ready for you to leave. I also saw the note and the phs attached to it."

Cloud sighed and let out a chuckle. "I take it you've picked up on Vincent's observant skills."

Reeve: Yes, you can learn so much from watching him make soup.

Yuffie: But we never resolved the real question -- what does Vincent smell like?

Vincent: Stop!

"Nah, I've always been like this. But I'm serious don't leave before figuring things out. In spite of Barret's actions you must understand that it is not our intention to point fingers at you"

"Thanks" he replied and faced her once more.

"Your welcome" she said and embraced him in a friendly hug.

While this whole conversation was going on Vincent was watching from the doorway of Jo's room. He did feel a bit guilty about eves dropping but he wanted to make sure that she won't blaming herself for anything. When she spoke in the living room she sounded like she was blaming herself for Tifa's death.

Cloud: You mean when she said “It’s all my fault,” that sounded like blame?

That was something Vincent couldn't let happen. After living like that for over 30 years himself he knew how crappy it made you feel and he wasn't about to let some one as lively as her to do that.

Tifa: “Crappy” ...the understatement of the century.

Vincent: Thirty years of nightmare in a crypt below the labs where my heart was torn from my chest, figuratively and literally, condemned to walk the earth undying in a hopeless search for redemption for the lives I doomed to hell...because I felt “crappy.”

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around abruptly to find Cid there. Cid peeked over Vincent's shoulder and began to whisper...

Aerith: Sweet nothings in his ear.

...so that he didn't attract the attention of the two on the balcony.

"So" Cid began. "We're gonna have to give her the full show down on Psycho Boy huh?"

Barret: Which one? Cloud or Sephiroth?

Reno: This plot makes even less sense than the Zelda timeline, yo!

Sephiroth: No! Don’t mention the Zel-- (theatre implodes)

YAY CLIFF HANGER MWAHAHAHAHHAWELL THAR SHE BLOWS CHAPTER TWO. NOT A LOT OF LUVN FOR A LOVE STORY BUT HEY THAT'S ALRIGHT HATS OKAY... I'M GONNA PUMP MY GAS SOMEDAY! WELL THAT'S THAT FOR THIS KNOW JUST TO ADD A CHAPTER TO MY OTHER STORIES OH AND WHEN YOU REVIEW THAT IS IF YOU REVIEW WICH I HOPE YOU WILL...I'LL EVEN TAKE FLAMERS PLZ PLZ PLZ ASK A Q TO RENO SEPHY VINNIE CLOUD IRVINE ZELL REEVE OR RUFUS CUZ I REALLY NEED SOME MORE FOR THE NEXT CHAPPIE OF NEWSROOM!

Sephiroth: …..WHAT?!

MSTers’ Note: During the writing of this review, the authors’ web browsers crashed multiple times while the story was onscreen and refused to restart.

That’s right -- this is fanfiction so bad, even our computers don’t want to read it.

MSTers’ Note #2: For bonus points, try to spot the Warrior Cats, Boondock Saints, and Jimi Hendrix references in this story. Find them all, and you get ...the knowledge that you’re very well-read. Good for you.
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Final Fantasy VII: MST3K