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A Break in Character	By : Resting-Madness Category: Final Fantasy VIII > Yaoi - Male/Male > Irvine/Squall Views: 919 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or setting of the Final Fantasy VIII universe and make no money from this work of fan fiction. It's all for fun.

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The weekend came up so much faster than Squall's nervous system could handle acknowledging. Was he really gonna get into a car with Irvine and just drive around for two days? Caged heat. Trapped with his feelings that are causing him so much anxiety lately. He liked it better when Irvine was just a friend, more of an acquaintance really. But since the Sadne concert, he can only think about him in a "why not more" sense. He can't think of a time he's had such an emotional rush come over him about something, let alone someone. Not since weapons training began and he and Seifer chose gunblades. It was the most unique looking piece of weaponry he's ever seen, he had to hold it. To master it. And finding out how hard that was only drove him to want it more. Squall supposed this strange desire is happening between Irvine and himself right now. He's never had such a sudden attraction to anyone. He must have more, but it's not like a weapon that one controls. This is dangerous. It involves not only himself but another. It's unpredictable. And that is a hefty weight anchoring him in the hesitation to dive in full force.
'So much for the strength of a lion..' He thought as he bee-lined for the bathroom to splash water on his face to remove the nervousness forming in sweat. It's just two days. He can do it. 'Why did he have to suggest it? I can't do it, he must know that..' Drying his hands on a wad of brown napkin, he stood still thinking about it. To go. To stay. So many pros and cons. Mostly pros, but a con so strong it makes the pros waver in stability. It doesn't take much to knock over a tower made of paper planes.
'How can someone that I barely know make me feel this way?' Squall wondered, when his mobility was restored he was able to toss the soggy napkin into the waste bin then exit the bathroom.
He was glad to know his demeanor was able to hide his internal dread. On the outside he was calmly striding down the long hall of the main area of Balamb Garden, on the inside he's on a tightrope walking a shaking path towards the only option given. To go. It was such an easy decision when it was offered to him in the library, but after sitting on it for two days it was just scary. The butterflies in his chest, the knots in his stomach, and he's certain he's heard something about dry mouth being a sign of bad health. Why do romantic feelings cause this reaction. He's gone into battle many times and hasn't felt this sort of horror within himself.
"Squall?"
Squall continued walking having not heard his name any of the four times it had been called. The speaker decidedly took action by simply grabbing him by the arm.
"Squall? Are you ok?"
He blinked, and as if by magic Quistis was beside him. "What?"
"You look lost. I was wondering if you're ok?"
"I'm fine." He removed his arm from her grip. It looked far more rude than it was, as he didn't launch away from her touch but merely slid from it.
Quistis doubted that was the truth, but his tone didn't sound tormented, so whatever is bothering him might be more distracting than distressing. "Irvine invited us all to the barracks for a farewell to him and Seifer before they go to Galbadia. I want you to be sure to make it. Don't try to pull a fast-one and slip out of going."
"Why would I?"
"Because I know you, you either wallflower or skip-out altogether. But this isn't a school function, this is for your friends. So be there."
Squall smiled inwardly. "Is that my former instructor talking or my bossy big sister?"
Quistis looked flustered. Squall isn't usually the joking type, however slight a joke it was, blushing at being called "bossy" when in her youth she wanted to be seen as strong and mature, she brushed her hair behind her ear. "Both."
"I plan to go. Irvine asked me two days ago."
Quistis's furrowed her brow. Two days ago? But Irvine just brought it up out of the blue when they were all walking through the hall discussing weekend plans. Maybe Irvine was just thinking out loud and asked Squall if he'd go if it were to happen. Yes, that made more sense. Why would Irvine ask Squall to a friendly gathering first? Not that they aren't friends, but he and Squall just don't seem that close at their current age. They hung out a handful of times as kids. She had a distinct flash of spotting the pair leaned over a book when they were 5 years old. They were pointing at the pictures and reading the words with focused interest. It was one of few times Squall had calmed his sadness over Sis's sudden disappearance.
Squall, figuring the conversation done, at least on his end, stepped away from Quistis and continued to the infirmary. He has a checkup with the doctors on his condition and was told to take the call in the nurse's office at Garden. A coma is never easy on one's body. Two more months of appointments and he's in the clear.
"Hello, Squall," Doctor Kadowaki greeted. "He just walked in, I'll leave it to you, Doctor Mortan."
Squall took the offered vacated seat behind the desk. The nurse went into the next room to tend to something and give the patient his privacy until needed.
After twenty minutes of "Does anything hurt" and "Are you still having a hard time with/doing..." Squall was examined by Kadowaki then sent back to whatever he chose to do on his free days with another month of a clean bill of health. Check. If only he could have his heart, head, or groin examined. Is there a shot one can take when suddenly attracted to someone but you decide to stay in the "friend zone"?
'Why did I have to tell him I like him? Worse, why did I initiate that make out session? I don't do things like that, I must have had a serious lapse in character...' He blew out a breath. His steps paused as his thoughts stilled him to prevent any running into other mobile cadets. 'Why can't I like Irvine? What's really stopping me?'
He got his answer when a couple girls went giggling by, waving and saying "hello" to him before whispering how "hot" he is. Everyone is always watching, and always quick to start talking about anything everyone is doing. There is no privacy to explore himself as he is without all the eyes, mouths, and opinions. If he could have time with Irvine alone, he'd likely date him openly in a heart beat. But.. with everyone around.. He's just not into the scrutiny. He doesn't want to become a little speck under a microscope. But Irvine is exuberant and lively, he may speak of being a loner at heart but his persona seems to be a master at being front-and-center because one would never peg Irvine Kinneas for solitary.
'Maybe he feels like a loner but is trying to break away from it? May as well put yourself out there, even if it's embarrassing for you and others around you. It's better than people seeing you're sitting by yourself and liking it.' He resumes walking out of the building. 'People don't like different, it's why I put up so many barriers. It's better they stay out of where they can see me.' Although, with these newly forming feelings for the sharpshooter, Squall wonders at what is the cost of being neutral if you're unhappy?
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"Irvine, look at this!" Zell handed a packet over to his friend. "They sell bologna in the store. Is that luck or what?" He grabbed two more packs and dropped them into the basket along with the other grocery items.
Zell and Irvine are shopping for the get-together this evening. Irvine promised music, games, and snacks, and best of all good conversation amongst friends. It was a T.K.O that you can't say "no" to. The basket is full of the select potato and corn chips, and now bologna- Irvine could guess that was a personal purchase rather than a group item, so the only things left to get are dips and drinks.
"Get an orange soda, it goes better with salsa," the martial artist says to Irvine before going off to collect the condiment.
"But it tastes gross with guacamole." Irvine said during the disappearing act. 'He's gone. Oh well, I still have soda at the apartment.'
Irvine was slightly down about the weekend. He really wanted to go away with Squall and just make an event with each other, but thinking about it, he knew deep down the pouting, though lion-hearted, worrier wouldn't go for it. In a crowd, Squall could shove a show of too much attention off to others, but solo, he tends to second guess himself as if he must behave a certain way. He doesn't want to have Squall falsely relaxed, he wants him sincerely there. A man in house slippers and pajamas comfortable. But their friendship isn't back there yet. It may never be again, so he has to start fresh. And if that means easing up, so be it.
When they were kids, everyone kinda did their own things. They played together and alone, but none of them really viewed each other as close, close enough to be siblings, until the second year in the orphanage. Reality was hitting them that they, Matron, and Ellone were all they had in the world so they gradually became closer to one another. It was in their own unique ways: Selphie and her wild ideas for everyone to play along, Quistis deciding that she should take some responsibility from their caregivers by instructing better habits to the others, Seifer chose to be close through toughness training… well, picking on them, but either way it was his way of showing he cared. Zell was the safety king, always looking out for the dangers in life while still messing around like any normal kid. Irvine was just with them for the ride, any port in the storm he docked at to do whatever. Squall, on the other hand, never really found his footing with the other kids until half a year later, he chose to be close to the girl he came to the orphanage with.
He and Ellone had a history having been adopted by Raine before being sent to live at the orphanage when things in Winhill started to turn strange. That was the most Matron had told the other kids about it when she and Squall arrived. No one cared about the reason, they were all there because of the war. That was all that needed to be understood.
Being a loner, Irvine has seen the shift in Squall at the time. He'd gone from sometimes around and playing happily to the kid who was mostly alone and worrying about where big Sis was. He was always sad and alone. He sometimes watched the others when they played, could be eventually coerced into playing with them, but ultimately he was alone. Irvine had brought him around a few times, they had fun together. But he could never replace the hole that was growing in Squall's heart for the only person he truly viewed as family.
Irvine set a case of orange Rush into the basket then reached for the lemon-lime soda for Quistis. He smiled to himself thinking about the past. He had really liked Squall then, for all the avoidance the kid offered, he was still really sweet and fun as a whole. A three and a half out of five stars. They used to color beside each other, and Leonhart would nod at his creation telling Irvine that he has a good sense of colors. He'd shyly ask if he liked his in return, to which Irvine replied "yes".
'And now look at me. I'm all-in attracted to the guy. We do grow up, don't we?' They could have all been bonded siblings, but Irvine had a crush on Selphie for quite some time. Perhaps his loner gene didn't really go for the sibling bond. Just a bond overall.
"Ready to go." Zell said upon appearance.
The pair head to the register and pay for their items. Irvine dropped Zell off at his parents house, then he drove to the peer. He liked watching the boats and the dock workers doing their jobs. It was something you don't see in Deling as it's not a port town. After his fascination was satiated he went to the apartment and dropped off the groceries.
His finger itched to call Squall and chat him up, but he decided against it. It was better to delay the inevitable of being turned than to have their conversation become uncomfortable and lacking as they wait to see who would cancel first.
'I could be psyching myself out, he could actually be looking forward to it.' Irvine stared out the window in his bedroom, he watched the other Galbadian cadets and Balamb SeeDs that hadn't found an apartment yet as they went about their free day.
Some were training, others playing around, it looked like a couple were arguing over something before one stormed off with it. With a resigned sigh, he decided to seek Squall out and just face the music. Although, maybe he doesn't have to say it directly but it could already be known that they don't have to go because Squall could just tell. He has a sense for things. It's why he made such a fine leader, despite his seeming lack of interest in the role. He's a natural.
Irvine left the apartment and headed for Garden, he texted Squall and found out that's where he was and he would still be there. He was in the dorm just lounging in bed. Irvine could come by any time.
When the sniper showed up Leonhart was exiting the dorm hall, their gazes met then averted, then found each other again in the blink of an eye. Kinneas knew it wasn't fair to feel this way about someone and not pursue it, at least in his mind, but he won't push. That only leads to distance. Obviously.
"So like, about this weekend, I.." He watched Squall turn in towards the parking garage. "Squall?"
"Come on." He said over his shoulder.
Floored, Irvine did as he was told and followed. "Who's gonna drive?" He asked once they stood beside a large green vehicle.
"Going nowhere was your plan, you drive." Popping the door open, Squall slid inside.
Irvine blinked, but he wasn't about to let the situation slip away from him. Squall wants to go! What the alternate universe was happening right now? He got inside the car and closed the door. Finger on the ignition, he looked at his companion and with his brows he asked if he was sure about this? Two days is a long time to be exclusively alone with someone. Although, it wasn't a hardened rule that they spend the entire weekend together, just that they find time to be alone together.
"Did you forget how to drive?" Teased Squall when they remained in the garage.
"No. Course not.. Seat belt."
Squall buckled himself in then cocked his head for them to get going already. And with an affirmed nod that this truly was happening Irvine sent the car forward out of the space and out of the Garden.
...
Squall rests comfortably in the cushy seat, he tried to keep his mind clear of doubt and hesitation now that the situation of being alone with the sniper is actually happening. He was in his room mulling over the pros and cons, and for the most part the pros won out. He could be with Irvine in a private setting to see if something more than friendship is there, or if what transpired at the concert was just a random encounter of the third-kind. The big con was that it was just a random encounter, at least on his end, and this would end up being a forced and uncomfortable disaster. He's not good with disasters. Too much goes wrong. Look at what happened with Trabia and what had almost happened with Balamb. When the norm goes rogue nobody is voluntarily ready to step in and fix it.
It's because of that thought that Squall got up his nerve to go. Irvine had wanted this, he wanted to take charge of whatever this was or could be that's brewing between them. Squall has been tossed the position of leader without ever wanting it, he only wanted to live the life of a soldier. Instructed. A follower to become a right-hand or left to whomever hired his services. Not a decision maker, especially one who has to decide on the fly in dire situations. Although this isn't a life or death situation, but for once he wants the passenger's seat. To be led.
He turned his head when the radio began playing music.
'He's already bothered by my silence..' Assumed Squall's wavering confidence.
"Every good drive needs some music." Declared Irvine, he has a big smile on.
Squall caught sight of it in a glance and felt himself calm down. 'Irvine just wants to make this fun, he's not shutting out my silence after all.' And, despite Squall not really being one for conversation, being able to have that knowledge that he can have a voice mattered. "Where's your hat?"
"Which one?"
"The black one, your cowboy hat."
Irvine looked momentarily confused. "At the apartment. Why? Did you wanna wear it?" He glanced over accessing Squall's appearance of a heavy ombre sweater of greens and dark blue jeans. "I'm not sure it would match your ensemble."
"Not for me. I thought cowboys never took them off once dressed for the day.."
"Am I a cowboy?" Irvine asked with humor in his voice. "I just like the look, it seems so official when you're playing a part."
'"Playing a part"? Now that I think about it, he was acting kind of like a show off when we all first met up. Is this the authentic Irvine now?' He discreetly looked the driver over. A dark brown sweater, a peek of the collar of a white undershirt, blue jeans, and heavy snow boots. No surprise since the terrain is solid white. And taking a minute to think on it, he hasn't seen Irvine dressed in the gunslinger attire for some time, now and then when clothing rotation comes back around but not exclusively. "You're fascinating, Irvine Kinneas."
"Is that a good thing?"
"You're not boring."
"Great." The SUV came to a still. "Wanna come in, we need provisions."
"...Okay." He was going to say "no", but he was inclined to go. He's not sure why, but it didn't feel weird to go along. Exiting the car he zipped his coat from the tossing wind then followed Irvine into the store.
They bought a few things from there: snacks, sleeping bags for in case they don't come across a hotel in their location-free adventure, a heating lamp, and a case of water bottles. The entire time they walked the store Squall was imagining a scenario where he and Irvine were openly together and, looking around them, nobody seemed to care. The light swarm of people were in their own little worlds. Even when the sniper greeted them with a friendly "hello" they would respond verbally or with a nod then go about their business. Squall was acknowledged in the returned greeting but there was no finger pointing or assumptions, and if there were assumptions about their relationship it wasn't negatively received or cared after.
If only Garden life would take on the "self care only" mindset.
The gear was loaded into the car and the pair then returned to their seats, heading back out to nowhere.
They were on the road for three hours, listening to the radio, talking through songs, Irvine sang along with some Squall merely listened with amusement. Leonhart ate snacks and passed them to Irvine since he was driving. It was strange at first, he's never fed anyone from his hands aside from an animal. He recalled in a dream feeding a few strays as a kid, when Matron or Sis took them around town to shop. It's different with a person, that was for sure. There was consideration for avoiding contact with fingers. Animals just go in full force. And the giver can't just shove it in or drop it before the person, he was careful to feed Irvine the white cheese dusted popcorn without getting it all over his face. The intimacy was strangely thrilling. He wondered about being on the receiving end, once the bag was emptied.
Leaning back in his seat, he closed his eyes and relaxed. Squall's eyes popped open at the unexpected touch to the face. His cool-colored gaze shot towards the invader. "..."
"You had dust on the side of your mouth, sorry. I didn't think you were asleep."
"I wasn't," he brushed his hand against the corners of his mouth to ensure all the crumbs were removed.
"Not used to being touched?"
"Not if I don't see it coming... outside of battle, anyway." He added that last part as he's been assaulted by random attacks countless times.
Irvine looked thoughtful about the confession, but didn't comment any further. Turning down the music, he nodded to the glove compartment. "Can you get that?" He asked when confirming his ringtone.
Squall grabbed the phone and took the call. He was surprised to see Seifer's name on the glowing screen. What could he be calling for? Putting it on speaker, he listened quietly.
"Hi! What's up?" Irvine answered before Seifer said a word.
'He has such an easy way with people, while I can barely be touched. I really do need to take it easy.' Thought the tense lion who felt more like a house cat in this situation. Pampered and ill-prepared for the outside world.
"You're dead, Kinneas."
"Kinda harsh way to break it to me, when did it happen?" Teased the dead man.
"Ten minutes ago when the brood blew in, and here's the hitch you aren't here. Where the hell are you?"
"I'm on a weekend getaway, spur-of-the-moment." He chuckled. "Sorry, I forgot I invited everyone over for a farewell party for us.
"Dinky, this isn't your mother's house, get your feet off the furniture." Seifer was griping at Zell. "What exactly am I supposed to do with them?"
"Your friends, right, chill." Irvine replied. "Be each other's company, duh. I shouldn't have to hold your hand on this."
"You've been resurrected because I want the pleasure of killing you. Don't call me chicken."
"I never called you a small tasty bird, I just think you should know how to hangout with your friends."
Seifer scoffed. "Speaking of friends, Leonhart isn't here." Hearing laughter in response, he says. "Glad you find it funny, but for him to be your friend he doesn't show it. You might wanna address that."
Irvine laughed. "I'll get on him about it."
"I'm hanging up." The line went dead on the ex-knight's end.
"Imagine, not going to the get-together after I invited you personally."
"I'm a mess as a friend."
Irvine chuckled. "You are." Popping Squall with his elbow, he said softly. "Thanks for coming with me to anywhere."
Squall gave a nod, leaving the pair in an amicable quiet.
Night glowed overhead as the pair busy themselves in the back of the vehicle getting their sleeping bags situated in the back area. These cars are built to hold many mercenaries at once for dispatch, so there plenty room for the two of them to get comfortable and rest without being cramped in the slightest. Irvine turned on the heating lamp, it cast a soft red glow in the cold metal space. The temperature was a good 45, so the lamp was an honored guest in their company.
"Are you having a good time so far?" Irvine asked into the calm. Sometimes such questions can spoil a mood because answering is just as awkward as asking.
But Squall assumed that Irvine had to wonder about it, since he wanted it to be a nice trip. He believed that if he said "no", the sniper would bring him home. No questions asked or forced remaining to just stick it out. "Yeah.."
"Me too." And he sounded as sincere as Squall felt about his reply. "So like.. we're here, and.. maybe we could scoot a little closer to each other- just until the car heats up."
"...Okay. " He was glad for the red light dying the space in its color. He wouldn't want to be caught with embarrassed cheeks.
Lying close together for warmth. That was something viewers see in dramas and cheesy romantic movies. This was hardly that. They were just two guys cold in a car. No big deal, may as well keep each other warm. Squall reached out and pulled Irvine to him in a bold display. He smiled feeling the sniper's weight on his chest, shifting about in a tickling manner while Irvine made himself comfortable by sliding down to adjust his height a bit.
That shampoo. Squall took deep but secret inhale of the scent through his nose. A few hairs raised and tickled his nose causing him to have to cover a sneeze. Irvine rubbed his chest in what must have been an attempt to hurry the warmth into his cold body.
"I've been meaning to ask you something.." Squall said. "If you're not gay, then why did you let me kiss you in Fisherman's?"
Irvine was quiet while thinking. "It caught me by surprise, and then I was caught up."
Squall wasn't sure how he felt about the answer. It wasn't a bad one, that's how he felt about initiating the kiss. One minute he was just Irvine, and then he was therethere. Like he's never seen him before, he certainly never appreciated that sort of companionship before. His friends are his friends, he acknowledges that, but none have ever stepped aside to take a role as anything more until that night. It was a first of many. First show of romantic interest, first show of desire, first kiss.
'Hn. Kiss, right. That was feasting. There was no kiss about it.' Squall mused in a lazy happiness. He's never made out before but there it was in his memory. An enriched session of kissing. "You owe me, ya know?"
"For what?"
"You ruined my first kiss."
Irvine scoffed. "Hey, I was playing keep up, you ruined your first kiss." Sitting up on a lean, he added. "And you ruined mine. I never kissed a guy before, and there you were getting me all flustered."
Squall hid a guilty smirk. He didn't think of it, but he had been Irvine's first male kiss. 'He sure wasn't timid about it.' He knows that much. Maybe they both need a reset. Cupping Irvine's cheek with his hand, he guided him down to his lips. With a new air between them, they kissed.
It was slow. It was sweet. It held no urgency or lust, just a need to kiss. To become the first of many, and a better memorable mark of something newly building between them. It even sounded different from the make out in their first encounter, the gnash was now a gentle swish like silk fabric sliding together. Their breaths weren't gone but mingling together instead of being held in disbelief of the moment. And when they finally pulled apart, they met in sync for a single peck to linger by.
Squall wanted to say something as Irvine settled back in a rest against him, but he was glad he remained silent. Irvine too. The moment needed no words. It was perfect right now.
X x X
Commentary: Thanks for reading, I'm so trying not to lack in the romance department, so thank you for sticking with it.
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A Break in Character