CatMa

Disclaimer: I have no rights over The final Fantasy Characters nor is the script I based off mine either. The script used was acquired off the net from Movie script site.


Catma
By Sailor Poison
based off Dogma script

Chapter 5

Outside an old church in New Jersey, a lesser priest is about to speak to some reporters. The reporters await eager to hear what he has to say.

Mika, “Now to speak for our beloved Pope on the new campaign to revitalize Catholic Church is Cardinal Rufus!”

Cardinal Rufus takes the podium as the reports applaud him. He is a handsome man with strawberry blond hair and blue eyes. More of a TV personality then a man of the cloth.

Rufus, “Thanks, Master Mika. Mika is one of my most loyal priests Donated the stained glass for Our Lady of Delightful Misery.” Gets his speech ready, “ I know a few of you heard the Catholic church is fading religion. That it is dying and has its head too far up it’s blessed ass to see this. We come to prove you all wrong! Society sees us as boring, humorless, and not fun. Now we plan to lighten up the church with this new campaign! ‘Final Fantasy -Catholicism’ “

The reporters clap and cheer.

Rufus, “Does this mean our rules arenginnging? We are becoming suck ups? Never! We are just making our image friendlier. “

The reporters clap and cheer again.

Rufus smiles, “Thank you, thank you. I’ll show you how we are changing things.” Pulls out a crucifix, “ This is indeed an old and traditional symbol but it is time we made an upgrade. Its just too depressing to be reminded that our lord was crucified. Why keep kicking a dead horse? We get enough downers in our life without the church depressing us. We want to inspire the people!”

Rufus pulls out the cover of a two foot statue next to him. The Christ figure has blond hair that spikes up like a roaster. His clothes are same told robes of back then but under them seem to be jean shorts. Grinning in a big, friendly, cheesy manner. Gracing the left side of his face is a tattoo as the statue seems to be giving the crowd a thumbs up.

Rufus, “ See? Now Jesus Christ gives us all that warm fuzzy we lacked in the past. This givegives us the message ‘It’s gonna be groovy’, doesn’t it folks?!”

Reporter Riku, “Cardinal Rufus, what is your position on the John Doe Jersey case? Will he be able to die or be used as a door stop?”

This creates a buzz among the retorters. Rufus sighs and speaks.

Rufus, “ Really, little girl, I am not here to talk about the coma patient but to share our change in the church. But if you must know, we still frown upon euthanasia. Murder is wrong. Lets go back to talking about this delightful fellow over there!” as he gestures at the statue.

Meanwhile, inside the bus terminal, this interview is being seen on a television. Sephiroth and Zack watch the television, then look at each other.

Zack, “And you call Ren & Stimpy a bad influence?”

Sephiroth, “We are leaving at a good time. I think human race is getting more insane.”

Zack, “That is whwe hwe have to go, hmmm?”

Sephiroth walks over to ticket window and asks for two tickets to New Jersey,

Rose, “We are sold out.”

Sephiroth, “You are?”

Rose, “ Yes, sorry.”

Zack, “Who the hell would anyone wanna go to new Jersey?!”

Rose, “ Enough to buy out the tickets.”

Sephiroth glares at Zack, “Thank you, Drama queen, “ Looks at Rose, “ When is the next bus?”

Rose, “ Tomorrow.”

Sephiroth, “What? But this is a two day trip.”

Rose, “Yep. Good luck! Next!!”

Sephiroth and Zack look around at the empty room.

Zack, “ There is no one else here.”

Rose, “ Oh? Lunch time!” and pulls blind down on her window,

Zack, “This is why we needed to know how to drive. All our power and we can’t get a bus ticket.

Sephiroth, “ It’s your fault we can’t get a ticket.

Zack shrugs it off, “ No point in bitching now. We need a new idea.”

Sephiroth, “It was your idea to get justice that got us into trouble.”

Zack, “We can always fly.”

Sephiroth, “ Fly?” surprised he didn’t think of it.

Zack, “We got wings. Lets use them!”

Man walks up. He has Snowy white hair gracing his beautiful body. He is wearing a trench coat and hat.

Kuja, “That would be a bad idea,” he says in a silky voice.

The pair stare in shock as he leans in the doorway and tilts his hat to show two small horns poking from his snowy white hair.

Kuja, “That will bring unwanted attention to you both.”

~~~

Heidegger is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Laguna has used some red lipstick to draw a circle around the shit monster. Then he splashes water oe moe monster’s face. The Shit monster roars as he wakes up.

Heidegger, “The Muse. You are a fool to get involved.”

Laguna, “Enough about me, I wanna get to know you or why you are topside.”

Heidegger, “Let me go and I’ll tell you.”

Laguna, “ Wrong! I am not that stupid.”

Heidegger screams and glares.

Laguna, “Stop trying to scare me. I’m not going to let you go till you tell me the truth. This can go easy or, “ with a smile, “ It can go hard, The sooner you cooperate, the sooner you can go home. Why are you topside?”

Heidegger, “To kill the last Scion, bitch.”

Laguna, “ Now that is what I call cooperating. Who sent you?”

Heidegger, “He is no one and everyone. The future great prince of the world. He shall determine the fate of mortal! Crush and destroy all his foes! “

Laguna, “ Did Sephiroth or Zack send you?”

Heidegger, “ Resistance is Futile. Give us the Scion and you might live. No one caop Uop Us! Not even God. He lays brain dead.”

Laguna, “She.. not he you stupid bastard! She can’t be brain dead! Tell me who sent you!”

Heidegger, “ You think you can stop Kuja” Laughs like a shit filled horse, “ We pity you, Muse. You play the old game. The new one will break you.”

Laguna, “ Where is Kuja?”

Heidegger, “ If I could get free, I would crush your body into a messy pulp. But my Master has given me leave to return home. We shall be back, boy, and next time it will take more then air freshener to stop us!”

Heidegger goes stiff and then melts into a gooey puddle.

Laguna, “ I have to admit, these things have quite an exit.”

~~~

Inside a toy store, Kuja leads Sephiroth and Zack down an aisle. There are tones of toys on either side. The three stop next to the plushies.

Sephiroth, “Damn Kuja, how did you get topside?”

Kuja, “ I told them I had a routine possession. I have to be quick before they discover where I really am.”

Sephiroth, shocked, “ You lied?”

Zack, “ He is a demon now, Seph. So why are we in this store?”

Kuja picks up a Cid Highwind plushie, “ Because you are being fuckheads. You both almost got caught. Can’t keep going around killing people. You have any idea what is going on?”

Zack cheerfully, “ Why, we’re going home!”

Kuja, “You really are clueless.” shake head sadly, “ They won’t let you waltz into heaven.”

Sephiroth, “ Why not? We have suffered enough.”

Kuja, “I’ll let you both in on the secret. Everyone is looking for you guys. I mean both sides want you stopped. They were told to kill you on sight.”

Sephiroth perplexed, “Why us?”

Kuja in low tone, “ You got peoplesed sed off. God is angry because this is rather presumptuous. Lucifer is angry because you are doing what he has strived to do for centuries. It makes them both look bad.”

Sephiroth, “ Killing us is a little extreme.”

Kuja, “That is what they want done. That is why you have to be extra careful. Stay out of the radar. Be subtle as hell. That also means no more killings. And no popping out your wings. The moment you do, “ Rips the Cid Highwind plushie’s head off, “ legions of demons and angels will be breathing down your throats. Each one will be trying to kill you first.” looks around, “ Shhhh.. “

Garnet is walking her daughter, Eiko past them. The woman is sorting through the plushies. Zack pulls off Kuja’s hat so the girl can see his horns and puts it back on. Eiko looks in shock but her mother hands her a Nanaki plushie and pulls her down aisle, oblivious to her daughter’s expression.

Eiko, “ Mommy, he has horns!”

Kuja glares at zack, “It is stupid shit like this that is getting you both into trouble!”

Zack, “ Lighten up.”

Sephiroth still in shock from being told they are wanted dead, “They want us dead?”

Kuja calms down, “Yeah. They even have Last Scion out for you.”

Zack, “ Damn!”

Kuja, “I’m tell you, this is a big deal.”

Zack, “Why are you helping us?”

Kuja in a silky way, “ Because I feel for you. I know you were both treated harsh. Maybe if you can get back in, there is still hope for me.” looks around again, “I suggest you find another way. Maybe a train. If something comes up, I’ll find you.”

Sephiroth smiles , “Thanks. You are only true friend we have left.”

Kuja, “You can trust me in all things. Now I have to get back to the pitt.” ack,ack, “ One last question. What is it like in hell?”

Kuja, “ They have been playing Willy Wanka and the Chocolate factory non stop.” Grabbing a Zidane plushie on the way out.

Zack looks at Sephiroth, “Damn.. That ain’t right!”

~~~

Later that night, train moves through the darkness. On the same train are the heroes. Tifa and Kiros sit across from each other in the private compartment. They both look out the window.

Kiros, “Are you holding up?”

Tifa, “Okay, I guess. This is so unbelievable. Sometimes I wish I never left bed.”

Kiros, “ You sound like the Brother.”

Tifa, “ What is Jesus like?”

Kiros, “Black.”

Tifa, “ Tell me something I don’t know.”

Kiros, “The Brother was our spirit and drive. He was like a living God. But I think he sometimes felt left out because he had to be more then human. We used to sit around the fire and talk about how the Romans were acting like assholes or who we would love to fuck.”

Tifa, “ I see somethings never change.”

Kiros, “ He would just sit back and listen. We asked him why he never joined the conversation. He told us he just liked to hear us talk. It was music to his ears. I think he just had no bullshit to contribute.”

Tifa, “How does he feel about things now?”

Kiros, “ He still loves humanity but all this shit he sees depresses him. Wars and bigotry carried out in his name don’t help. I won’t touch the factioning of all the religions. He is sad that humanity took a great idea and built a belief structure on it.”

Tifa, “ But I thought having beliefs was good.”

Kiros, “Ideas are better. Idea you can change. Beliefs are not as easy. Belief limits you and makes life go stagnant. He wants people to live and enjoy life. Maybe that was because he knew he was going to die. Christ had this vitality that I have yet to see in anyone else.”

Tifa, “ Bigger then life?”

Kiros, “Well, not quite. He was only guy I ever met that never experienced greatest human activity ever.”

Tifa, “ He never had sex?”

Kiros, “ Debate. That is only time people are truly alive. You can be any age, gender or race to debate. We fight ourselves, each other. death, beliefs, and sometimes just for the sake of fighting. To stop debate would be death of mankind. Life is not suppose to be a struggle. It is suppose to be living with all you got. Even I am guilty, the way I go on about Jesus’s color and fighting for truth to be know. Even in death, all I know to do is debate. That is rather pathetic.”

Tifa, “Its okay if its important for people to know.”

Kiros, “Belief is dangerous. It can kill people and make them kill for it. People go to war over beliefs. Right now we are racing against time because of a Catholic belief structure. Sephiroth and Zack are exploiting it!”

Tifa considers that carefully.

Kiros looks around, “Where did Tweedledee and Tweedledum go?”

Tifa, “ They needed a smoke., “ gets up, “ I’ll go check on them.”

Kiros, “ I’ll rest some then.”

Tifa enters the lounge car. She spots Cid and Silent Vincent talking to two strangers. Both seem to be enjoying themselves with their new friends.

Tifa, “You two managed to not get throw off?”

Cid laugh, “ The night is still young, babe! We’re sharing our smokes with our new friends here!”

Tifa, “ Hello there!”

Cid, “They just got on at the last stop.”

Silent Vincent nods and Tifa gets a better look at the new friends. Sephiroth and Zack give her a friendly nod.

Zack, “ Cid says you promised to fuck him!”

Zack, Cid, and Silent Vincent are sharing a joint. Each taking a quick hit and trying to act casual. Cid occasionally hit the table in a happy, excited manner. Sephiroth and Tifa are at a different table.

Tifa, You can always join the boys. Not hang out with an old maid.”

Sephiroth, “I wanted some intelligent conversation. Why are you headed for New Jersey?”

Tifa, “I have this job to do. You?”

Sephiroth, “ We’re going home.”

Tifa, “ So you live with Zack?”

Sephiroth, “Yeah. You live with those guys?”

Tifa, “Thank god, no. They adopted me along the way.”

Sephiroth, “They are very funny to listen to.”

Tifa, “I wish Cid sometimes was as quiet as Vincent. But aside that, they’re not bad.”

Sephiroth, “ Za... Zed seem to be bonded with them. He never likes people.”

Tifa, “ How long have you two been together?”

Sephiroth, “Long time. He ca be a great guy to be around. Great sense of humor. Little flaky sometimes.”

Tifa, “ How did you meet him?”

Sephiroth, “ We got stationed together.”

Tifa all starry eyes, “ What a beautiful story!”

Sephiroth blink, “ Wha?”

Tifa, “All that bullshit about the Army being just for heterosexuals and you two meet in the service. jus just makes it so special. “

Sephiroth, “Oh! Sorry but we are not gay. We are just roommates.”

Tifa laughs, “I’m so sorry.”

Sephiroth, “We might be in the same house but we have our own rooms, “ pauses, “ Do I give off a gay vibe?”

Tifa, “No. After my husband left me, my barometer has been on the fritz.”

Sephiroth, “ You are divorced?”

Tifa, “ You could say that. I would call it abandoned.”

Sephiroth, “ I was dumped by someone I loved.”

Tifa, “It is the most terrible thing too. You question your own value: was I not worth being loved? Did he ever love me?”

Sephiroth, “Wonder if the other person is ever going to want you back.”

Tifa, “Even after a couple years, I still have that ‘we’ mentality.”

Sephiroth, “My problem started with a misunderstanding. That grow to totally withdraw of communication. Abandonment followed. I still wonder what went wrong. Then I remember that I was replaced by someone else.. alot of them.”

Tifa, “They tell you the pain will go away, but it never does.”

Sephiroth, “It just hurts more.”

Tifa, “We both need a strong drink. As many as possible.”

Sephiroth, “ I second that notion.”

~~~
Inside the train car, Kiros is still slumbering. Unaware that Tifa has found the arrant angels. Cid is asleep against Silent Vincent. Zack is still talking to Silent Vincent.

Zack, “I tell you, StarWars is all about organized religion and society’s battle against it. The rebels fight the empire. Is it led by Vader? Hell no. It is led by the emperor who is like the pope. Force is considered an religion even in the movies.” Gets a nod from Silent Vincent, “The galaxy is under imperial rle which is run by this old religion. Like government is run by a church. The heroes liberate the galaxy from the church or the Sith.” Silent Vincent nods understanding his point of view.

Sephiroth and Tifa are slumped in their booths. The table has many empty glasses. Tifa is obviously tipsy. Sephiroth sips his drink and spits it out on the sly.

Sephiroth, “ Do you go to church?”

Tifa, “ Every weekend.”

Sephiroth, “Does it help you?”

Tifa ponders that, “It is a great place to balance my checkbook.”

Sephiroth, “People don’t go to church and feel spiritual anymore. They go there and get bored. But they always go.”

Tifa, “ Like a habit. I was told church is like bad sex. Very mess and no foreplay.” Laughs some, “I messed the joke up. I must be buzzing.”

Sephiroth, “When did you lose your faith?”

Tifa, “I was on the phone with my mother. She was trying to console me over my broken marriage. Shays ‘There’s always a plan’ I was never so angry in my life. The though that God had planned out Cloud leaving me? Or that he had something greater in mind? What I wanted wasn’t important enough for God?” sighs and swings her drink, “When did you lose your faith?”

Sephiroth, “ Too long ago. One day, God stopped listening even though I kept talking. “

Tifa, “You mean she wasn’t listening to you at all?”

Sephiroth pauses, “I suppose so.”

Tifa, “I hate it when people do that. When you are a kid, you accept there is a god. That he.. or she is always looking out for you. In fact, this whole trip is a pilgrimage. to find the truth. To discover if God does care. But I have to say, last few days have been crazy.”

Sephiroth, “Where is the pilgrimage to?”

Kiros wakes up and finds he is still alone. The nap was very refreshing. He gets up and stretched before going off to find the others.

Tifa, “It is too h crazy to be believable.”

Sephiroth, “Tell me anyway.”

Tifa, “I am going to this church in New jersey. “ This intrigues Sephiroth, “I have to stop two angels from entering a church. “ laughs, “They are trying to go home to heaven.” Fails to notice that Sephiroth is tensing, “The poor guys got kicked out If they go back, they prove God is wrong. Proving God is wrong unmakes whole universe!” Laughs harder, “I feel so stupid telling a stranger this.”

Sephiroth feels fear creep through him. This is the person whom Kuja said was out to kill him. What was this about unmaking universe. Then a calm comes over him.

Tifa is still laughing, “How do they expect me to stop to angels? Bribe them? Tackle them?”

Sephiroth, “ Maybe kill them?”

Tifa laughs more, “ Yeah right! I’m just a human. How do you kill an angel?”

Sephiroth picks up a knife, “Might be the same as killing a human?”

Kiros pulls open the door of the lounge car, “ Yo Tifa, I had this funky dream and.. “ sees Sephiroth.

Both of them freeze.

Sephiroth, “An Apostle!”

Kiros, “ Shit! Tifa get away from him.”

Tifa staggers to her feet, “ Kiros, this is my good friend Sam.”

Sephiroth jumps top his feet and grabs Tifa, holding her hostage with the knife.

Tifa, “ Sam, stop playing around.”

Kiros, “Calm down, Sephiroth. No need to be rash.”

Sephiroth, “After all this time, you think I shall let a human kill me?”

Kiros, “No one has to die.”

Tifa, “Wow.. that is a shiny knife.”

Sephiroth, “Really? I think I’ll use her body as a sheath for my knife first, “ calls behind him, “ Zack!”

Zack looks over and jumps to his feet, “ An apostle here?!”

Cid starts to wake up, “I swear... That ain’t my cum, babe.” and looks around confused.

Sephiroth holds Tifa close to him staring Kiros in the eyes, Zack goes over the other angel.

Zack, “Hey, Kiros, what ya doing on earth?”

Sephiroth, “ Zack, stop being friendly. They are here to stop us.”

Zack, “Maybe they have to stop some other angels?”

Sephiroth, “We are the only two angels trying to go back to heaven. They want to liquidate us.”

Kiros, “ Hell, we ain’t here to kill jack shit. You ever wonder what would happen once you got back to heaven?”

Zack, “ There are bad consequence? As if!”

Sephiroth, “I agree. I am going home and no one is stopping me.”

Kiros, “ This is bigger then mere pride.”

Sephiroth, “Zack, the girl has to die.”

Zack, “Are you crazy?”

Sephiroth growl, “ Kill her!”

Zack, “But she hasn’t done anything wrong. She just trying to do her job.”

Sephiroth coldly, “ Then I’ll kill her.”

Cid puts a hand on Sephiroth’s shoulder, “Hey Dude, we still got weed. Time to smoke the fat one!”

Sephiroth points the knife at Cid.

Cid, little confused, “Ummm.. we can have some pie?”

Zack backhands Cid, sending him reeling backwards.

Cid, “ Fucking ungrateful ingrates!” before passing out.

A very pissed off Silent Vincent grabs Zack and hurls him down the aisle. Kiros grabs for Sephiroth hand that is holding the knife. As they struggle, Tifa collapses on the floor.

Kiros, “ Hey Vamp! Get the door!”

Silent Vincent jumps over Zack and opens the back door of the Train. Then grabs Zack by his shirt,

Zack, “ Hey wait! Can’t we all just get along?!”

Silent Vincent throws him out without a second thought. Meanwhile, Kiros makes Sephiroth drop the knife Sephiroth punches Kiros in the face. Tifa then jumps onto Sephiroth’s back, arm around his throat. They stagger down the aisle. Silent Vincent pulls Tifa off and kicks Sephiroth out the back door. Tall one then shuts the door closed. The bartender stares in shock.

Silent Vincent straightens his coat and thumbs the door, “ No ticket.”

Kiros sits up, rubbing his jaw. Tifa slumps down next to him.

Tifa, “I should have known better. He paid for the drinks without wanting sex.”


~ Go to chapter 6~