Lamentations

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Lamentations
Chapter Six
Shared Secret?

A hundred questions hit me all at once, but I was too enraged to care. Perhaps some of these tumbled out of my lips, but most probably incoherently. Twice! Twice he had invaded my personal space! It was instinct to lunge for him. He was too quick for my leaden attack—I was still fuzzy from all the tranquilizers. Cid darted out of reach and threw the disc against the wall—shattering it to pieces.

It was just enough of a distraction for him to get my claw in a firm grip of his jacket. Still a little disoriented, I just flipped him onto the bed, not sure how much pressure I was applying. Enough to make him choke—he was holding me back with both arms. He was stronger than I gave him credit for, but this curse from Hojo proved useful for once, driving him mercilessly into the mattress. I wanted him dead again.

I had neither the patience nor the focus to think up anything elaborate to say. I also lacked the self containment I usually had at the moment. “You idiot! What did you think you were accomplishing!?”

“I… wanted to help!” he grunted, struggling to get me off.

I didn’t give an inch. “What made you THINK—,”

Cid forced the claw back enough to take a deep breath. “If you wanna kill yourself go jump off the deck, don’t do it here—rotting like a piece of shit! Meteor would get you first you selfish bastard!” he shouted angrily, tensing to kick me. I got into a defensive position instinctively. “I’m doing you a favor! So go ahead, kill me—you won’t get a chance to thank me later, fucker!”

I didn’t budge, but I didn’t keep suffocating him either. Did he think I was that pathetic? To mope around like a depressed teenager? He must have watched me dream and decided that I wasn’t worth even fucking. Which in a sense was true. …Unworthy… Those thoughts and desires I played with in the back of my mind deep into the dregs of sexuality I deemed unworthy. To be used by Cloud would be my sexual fulfillment. A wretched way to get off, but deserving none the less.

Cid’s face went from angry to slack, then a smirk grew and his chest began to heave slightly. He was laughing. At me? Was it that ridiculous? “Heh heh…I’m getting déjà vu, aren’t you Vince?” he chuckled gruffly.

Yes, I had done this before—when he first tried to help. Why was he so convinced that I needed help?!

But I did need help. I was caged in by Chaos in a corner and plagued by either nightmares or insomnia. It was so obvious that Cid had picked up on it—had anyone else? The shock of it caused me to withdraw. Denying fault would only make me weaker—which among all of my demons was my greatest fear.

“You’re right… I’m a fool…” I drew into myself and shivered again. Still cold… I hadn’t realized it though the layer of cotton on my perception the drugs drearily cast on me. I wasn’t wearing a shirt…where did I put it? God, who cared? Cid was seeing the worst of me and it was humiliating. He knew too damn much, and I couldn’t kill him now if I tried, not like this. I’m not sure I even had the energy to want to anymore.

“Hey, don’t kick yourself, It’s just a disc…” Cid was saying, sitting up and rubbing the bruise that I’d given him. Just a disc?! It was everything that made me as wretched as I was! As vile as it was, that was a despicable part of my life that is as inerasable as it was horrifying! How could you say that?? Cid caught the look and sighed. “Vince…You gotta put a stop to this shit. What happened to healing?”

Healing? Yes, he mentioned something about healing before, didn’t he? I thought of Lucrecia melting to ash in my arms. Healing? Lucrecia never got to heal. “My punishment is not finished—”

“Oh come off that shit!” Cid snapped suddenly. His aggressive tone startled me. He was always barking out orders to his crewmembers, but had never been that way with AVALANCHE members, least of all to me. “You’re just cramming that bull ‘cause you’re too pussy to let it go! Be a man, dammit! Stop crying over a chick that’s long gone, deal with the fact that you were taken advantage of and concentrate on what’s under your nose! Jesus Christ!”

Dead on. I felt like he had punched me in the gut. It must have shown because Cid bit his tongue and moved to maybe comfort me. I pushed him away, with any muttered apology he could come up with. Of course he was right, but my old desire for him was reawakening, and I still had an unreasonable fear of tainting him somehow.

I regained my composure after a few breaths. “I… don’t think it was right of you to act so rashly without my permission…” I told him. “But…” The words were jumbled in my head from the buzz I still had. My carefully planned words… and my anger—still fresh but not so sharp—were slipping out of my grasp.

“But…” Cid prodded.

I wanted to glare at him, but I reorganized my sentence instead. “You’re right. I should be thanking you.” When was the last time I sincerely thanked someone? Aerith perhaps, for her kindness in lack of prejudice. And before that… maybe Lucrecia…

I watched carefully for his reaction. It wasn’t what he was expecting at all. His eyebrows rose in a quizzical manner and his lips parted with surprise.

He had shaved recently, but not this morning it seemed. He was trying to grow something—a blond ragged soul patch sat between his bottom lip and his chin, perched on a sturdy neck and very broad shoulders. I wanted him again, from his uncombed hair, to his ragged jeans… and…

“Shoes,” I reminded him, as they were so offensively mingling with my sheets. I couldn’t truly be annoyed—he had never been invited to my quarters before, but god I hated it when someone didn’t take their shoes off at the door. It was my Wutain mother I think, grinding that into my head since I could walk.

“Huh?” Cid hadn’t caught my drift. He was staring at me like I was crazy—which I debatably was—with his cigarette hanging off his lip. Those lips…

“Your shoes,” I said again, taming my desire for his rough hardened body. My head was swimming and I was getting hard. Thank god for those sheets. “I don’t like them on my sheets.”

“Oh,” he said in understanding. He sort of sat there in indecision for a second, like he couldn’t figure out what I was asking him to do. Then he yanked at his tattered laces and pulled those shoes off. They fell to the floor with a clump! And like an afterthought as if to make himself more comfortable for a longer stay, his socks and jacket followed. Oh you tease… “Happy?”

I almost scoffed at the word. No, but perhaps a little more at ease. The cigarette hanging off his lip was driving me up the wall. I wanted full view of that which he taunted me with. I plucked it from his mouth, leaned over him and extinguished it on the bed post. He tensed—I could feel the hot quiver, we were so close. How does it feel to be teased with that you desire most? I almost wished I had that Sense Materia so I could catch his thoughts. Surely from his uncomfortable poise it had to be sexual.

Cid it seems has much less self control than I do. He gave in almost immediately, throwing me back into the mattress and giving me every taste I’d dreamed of in those lips of his. By the time he crumpled cigarette hit the floor he had me pinned, and I did nothing to stop him. My head was swimming again with how much I wanted him, how excited my bodily reaction was and those drugs… blowing away any precaution or rejection I might have spat had I been in the right mind.

I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t seen Cloud in almost a week and I was so starved for anyone to accept my ill-founded desire. I planted the hideous claw into the sheets so I wouldn’t be tempted to unintentionally harm in my lustful fog and dragged Cid into my by his wife-beater shirt, loving every inch of his wild and impatient tongue scouring me, his hard on grinding against mine, escalating into spiraling heights.

Cid did no fumbling this time in the removal of my belt. There was no sense in hiding it now—my arousal sprang out to greet him and down he came, swallowing me whole and catching my next breath into a gasp. To feel those lips and that tongue against the most sensitive of flesh…engulfing and receding like a long awaited tide after an impossibly long drought… It was bliss like none other simply for the fact that Cid wasn’t using me like I deserved. This was pleasure for pleasure with now psychological nuances attached. I shuddered as the tip of my cock swam in the back of his throat, too fast, so soon… so close…

And then he slowed to a crawl, easing my frantic heat to an agonizingly delicate pace I didn’t think he was capable of. My fingers laced through his ruffled blond hair but it was too short to pull and demand release. He was actually teasing me, putting pressure in wet, warm flicks in just the right places…Cid what are you waiting for?? Oh god, just give it to me… I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Cid, please!”I finally gasped in my haze.

His lips parted and he chuckled briefly at my lust with my cock perched deliciously on those lips. Then he was thankfully blunt and forceful in his devouring of me—which went me into a bout of quivering the ecstasy was so consuming. I closed my eyes and stifled my moans in fear of others passing by hearing. It was so hot, so spine tingling so good to have such a fantasy fulfilled… and then too hot and too good…

I gripped his shoulder in warning, and failed to muffle the cry of blessed, blissful coming. Cid flinched—which surprised me—but swallowed every drop as if he were worshiping me. God, why would he do that for me?

He looked up with an expression of almost relief, as if it were a long awaited treat. His hair was even more disheveled and the slightest tinge of sweat lingered on his skin. There was a static in the air that was distinctually still sexual as he moved to continue those electrifying kisses. He was so hard and I wanted him so badly…

I rolled him over, exploring every muscle in his neck and shoulders with my lips and every squirm and shudder from his spine and ass with my unmarred hand. He moaned with every touch, not caring in the slightest if we were discovered, like anything past this bed didn’t matter. And for the moment, nothing did. Yes, I had made up my mind. I wanted him in me.

“Do you want to…?” I breathed.

“Yeah…” he moaned before I could finish.

“Lay back,” I told him, pushing him down. There was a momentary resistance on his part and a flicker in his eye. He obviously wasn’t used to being told what to do. For a microsecond, I almost was about to call him Cloud and order him to obey. I caught myself instantly and waited for that half-second of hesitation to be over.

He relaxed. When I brought his own hard on out and started a rhythm he rolled his head back and groaned loudly, with no restraint at all. I traced every line, bulge and crevice on his cock with my tongue, then brought the entire length into my mouth, eager to return the favor. He probably didn’t even realize the string of curses he huffed in delight.

I pulled away and he made a sound of dislike from lack of friction. No patience at all, but that was fine. I kicked off the pants I had fallen asleep in and straddled, facing away. I couldn’t look him in the eye, just like I couldn’t look anyone else in the eye, for fear of knowing exactly what they thought of me. Good or bad, I just didn’t want to know in the thralls of pleasure—it was a distraction.

As soon as Cid gained entry, what was left of my arousal leapt back to life. I choked on those cries of pleasure and pain as the pace was set. He was filling me absolutely and tickling my prostate with each thrust. Oh god, oh god…! I put a firm grip onto the bedpost with the claw and manipulated myself ferverantly. A sinful but honest pleasure…oh god if he hit that spot one more time…

Cid wrapped his well shaped arms around my small waist and cried out through his teeth as he fucked me as hard as he could. The world was lost to me suddenly, and once again my restraint was shot. We moaned out exaltations together and came with near perfect timing. I’m not sure who was first. I couldn’t even fell my body I was in such an elated state of euphoria.

All I could hear was my pounding heart and our slowing breath for a moment. I removed my claw from the bedpost—bent from my lack of awareness of what I was doing. Cid still had his hands around me, his face buried in my wild hair down my back. It was a nice feeling for once—something I would have never let Cloud do. Chaos was at last asleep under the soothing waves of endorphins I had been baptized in. I was… momentarily content?

Until I saw the shadow in the crack under the door, and heard the boot falls walking away. I knew those boots by heart. He had been standing there long enough to know. Oh no…

“Who the fuck—?!” Cid demanded, moving to get up.

Oh no. Cloud knows. Cid knows. No, no, no.. stupid, stupid, stupid! Being drugged was no excuse. This should have never happened… oh no, no, no…

I sighed, pulling myself away from Cid’s grasp. “Ah. That would be the circumstance,”

I still refused to face him, not wanting to see the anger, the hurt or hear the accusations. Chaos stirred and laughed at my delusion of contentment. There you go again…

Here I go again…

Cid was adjusting his jeans and leaping out the door to see who it was. “Cid,” I called to stop him. Too late. He must have made eye contact, or at least seen Cloud round the corner. A frown marred his normally cocky face and he looked at me—full of resentment. I’m not sure if it was intentional or not. I’ll never forget it, either way—Chaos wouldn’t let me for years to come, I was sure.

“Cloud? Cloud?” he demanded.

I nodded miserably. “What do you want me to say?”

Cid stood for a moment, and for that minute I was far more concerned with his reaction than the fact the door was open. He came back into the room, pulled his shoes on, threw his jacket over his shoulder and left. I didn’t say a word.

He came back thirty seconds later awkwardly, and I handed him his pack of cigarettes that he had left in silence. I deserved the hatred he undoubtedly felt. After all, I’d brought it onto myself. Now the nights would be spent as they should have been in exchange for what I let befall Lucrecia—alone and in a hateful dark.

Didn’t I tell you that you were going to get what you deserved?

You’re right. You were always right. Chaos consume me…


End Chapter Six
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*that last bit wasn’t in BtR, but I thought it would be good to throw in. new chappy next! Yaay! ^_~ love your feedback! *