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Broken and Bonded Refrain	By : Crya2Evans Category: Final Fantasy VII > General Views: 837 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Vincent Valentine
�So Far Away�

This is my life.
It�s not what it was before.
All these feelings I�ve shared.�

I lie in his arms,
surrounded by his warm presence and his love that I can feel practically
rolling off him in waves, and I cannot help but wonder what I have done to
deserve such happiness. My body has that pleasant tingle that comes after a
night of making love. There is a comforting ache inside of me that I welcome
because this past night I let him take me. It is still hard sometimes to give
up that control, but for the only one who has gained my trust, I face my fears.

Though I am enclosed in his
arms, I still manage to tilt my head, looking up into his sleeping face. I
trace over the age lines, the worry lines, most of them caused by me: my
disappearance, my past, my own mistakes. He has suffered much in his short
life. We both have. However, it has made us stronger, nearly invulnerable to
whatever emotional bombs life keeps trying to throw at us.

I never thought that I would
fall in love with someone like Cid Highwind. He is everything that I am not,
the complete opposite of me in many ways. He curses. He smokes. He is gruff and
rude, and he always has something to say. He is obstinate, but even more, he
wears his heart on his sleeve. I can always tell by looking into his eyes what
he is thinking or feeling. Cid is an open book, and I wouldn�t have him any
other way.

And these are my dreams that I�ve never lived before.

Somebody shake me cause I,
I must be sleeping.

I remember our first night
together. It was at the Gold Saucer, and he dragged me out to have fun. I was
reticent and rude, about as warm as a block of ice. Still, he was persistent,
and I admit, he showed me one of the best nights of my life. I know why I gave
in then. I wanted to try what he had to offer me. I was hoping for a chance at
something good, something honest and right. And it was everything I wanted,
which was why I ran. It frightened me.

After waking up in a coffin
from suffering through horrors unspeakable, I could only cling to the past and
my revenge. I no longer knew how to be human or even connect with humankind. I
felt lost in the present world, a forgotten piece of a long ago era that should
have been destroyed before I ever emerged to see the light of day again. I
didn�t know how to respond to anyone, especially not someone like Cid Highwind.

Before him, I was attracted
to a different sort of person: beautiful men and women, cultured, refined. Even
though I was a Turk, I was attractive in my own rights, and I was Commander.
With Raven at my side, there was no one I could not attract. Half the time, I
didn�t even have to work for it. I didn�t date; I have never really had a true
relationship. I distanced myself from that type of companionship because I
didn�t trust anyone.

That was until I met
Lucrecia. For the first time in my life, my heart skipped a beat at the sound
of someone else�s� name. For the first time, I became nervous in the presence
of another. I stuttered over my words, my palms sweated, and my eyes were
naturally drawn to her direction. She was beautiful, and my memories of her are
as of yet untainted by the truth of her doings.

I carefully extract myself
from Cid�s arms, smiling softly at his brief noise of protest before padding
quietly across the room to stand at the window. I pull back the curtains,
staring out into a moonlit night that manages to rouse me with its beauty. The
clouds are little more than fluffy pillows beneath us; the stars are twinkling
jewels in the sky. It is truly something worth saving.

My mind returns to Lucrecia
and a night similar to this. We sat on the roof of the ShinRa mansion, and she
pointed out stars and their names to me, tracing the shapes of constellations
as she carefully explained their myths and legends. I remember her laugh, so
carefree and kind. It is hard to match that picture with the conniving,
backstabbing woman that she truly was.

Now that we're here,

It's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain.

I have made many mistakes in
my life, far more than I can even count and far more than I can recompense for.
I suppose that is the way of humankind, to make mistakes. It is how we react to
those mistakes that makes us different from one another, that defines who and
what we are. Cloud mourns and broods; I lock myself in a coffin for the greater
part of thirty years. We all have our methods.

But of all the things that I
have done wrong, I regret not being able to save Sephiroth the most. I will not
dwell on what I cannot change, and I am grateful for the second chance he�s
been given. I do not think I will ever be able to shake the hope that he may be
my son. I would not wish Hojo�s genes on any one, even my most hated enemy.

Sephiroth deserves to be
loved; he deserves to feel what he has always been denied. He needs someone to
tell him that he is more than what his experiences have made him to be, that he
does not have to believe in the words of a madman, and that he is worth more
than the experiments. Like I found in Cid, he needs to find that someone that
makes him feel valuable.

All the mistakes, one life contained,
They all finally start to go away.

It is only when my thoughts
turn to Sephiroth that I even realize that I am finally starting to change. I
am becoming a better person. I am more honest with myself. I do not bleed quite
so much. I am not what I was before; my life is not what it was before, but I
think I can accept that.

I turn away from the window,
slightly chilled by the glass and head towards the bathroom. The light clicks
on, soft and unobtrusive. Cid doesn�t even stir. My own nakedness doesn�t
bother me; I do not expect anyone to come knocking at the door. My eyes are
drawn to the sink, and the mirror that rests above it. I see myself looking
back at me.

Grey eyes, dark hair framing
a face that has finally managed to tan but still retains the perpetually pale
luster. I look tired and worn, but the lines of stress, the lines of fear and
depression are gone. I realize that I can look into the mirror again. There was
a time I avoided them, as if they were a plague of scalpel-wielding Hojos. I
didn�t want to know what the mirror revealed; I was afraid of what I would see
of staring back.

Now that we�re here it�s so far away,
And I feel like I can face the day.
I can forgive and I�m not ashamed
�...to be the
person that I am today.

But now, it doesn�t bother
me anymore. And I am strangely free by that realization. Unconsciously, my hand
drops to my belly and chest, where I can see the scars criss-cross over my
skin. There are so many of them, puckered and pale white, fierce lines of
battle and torture that are a testament to all that I have suffered. My fingers
trace them, and my gaze roams over my left hand, looking like it had been put
through a shredder. Still, it is whole and relatively unfrightening. Much less
than the claw anyhow.

They do not sicken me like
they used to. I do not feel revile for my body, and I do not feel like such a
monster anymore. A smile makes its way onto my face as I fondly recall a warm
tongue running over my abdomen, tracing the scars, obviously not bothered by
their presence. I remember calloused hands roaming gently over my flesh,
soothing me and igniting sparks of desire that literally made me shiver. Cid
has always accepted me, demons and impurities and all.

These are my words that I�ve never said
before.
I think I�m doing ok.

I turn from the bathroom,
clicking the light off as I do so, but I don�t get any further than the
doorway. I lean against the wall, arms crossed over my chest as my eyes fall on
him. He looks like a grumpy angel when he sleeps; it is actually quite
endearing. A brief smile crosses my face because I dare to think that I might
just be dreaming. There is no way that someone like me would deserve such happiness.
Yet, here it is right in front of me. And if it is a dream, then by Kami, don�t
let anyone wake me up.

With a sigh and a faint
shiver, it really is too chilly to be wandering around naked, I head back to
the warm bed and the even warmer arms. I brush strands of hair out of my face
as I crawl in next to Cid, kissing him lightly on the forehead. He mutters
something unintelligible before he rolls over, pushing me down before I�ve even
finished climbing in, and wrapping his arms around me. I am pulled against his
body, as if he cannot sleep unless he is certain I am right here. It is
somewhat of a comfort for the both of us.

And this is the smile that I�ve never
shown before.
Somebody shake me cause I,
I must be sleeping.

No more cold coffins in the darkness.
No more rumpled, empty bed sheets of bittersweet memories. I did not think it
was ever possible to actually find what you were searching for, and I am
desperately afraid that it will be taken away from me, as everything else in my
life always has been. And I know that in the battle to come, there is every
possibility that something unpreventable might happen. I am terrified to think
that I could lose him.

The stubborn man refused to
stay behind where it was safer for him, where I could be assured of his
wellbeing. Cid or I could very well die in the battle against Balaam, and then,
one of us would be alone again. I do not think I could live without him, not
happily. Perhaps not at all.

And I already know what
would happen to Cid; the past six months is evidence enough.

I cannot go through that,
and I wouldn�t want to suffer either. But the fear is still there, the awful
reality of what we have to face, the sheer power that Balaam wields. What can
mere mortals do against deities with a power that not even their brethren
understand?

I'm so afraid of waking.

Please don't shake me.

�Go to sleep,� mutters a
gruff, sleepy voice. �Stop brooding.�

I can only guess that Cid
sensed my insecurity; he often surprises me like that. Perhaps I am thinking too
loudly, or maybe I am even fidgeting. It is entirely possible.

�I do not brood,� I reply
somewhat snarkily. I am always irked by that, even if I know it is true. I just
do not want to lose a happiness that I have suffered so long to gain. Yet, the
world is not fair, and people rarely if ever have dreams that come true.

A rough beard scratches
across my forehead as arms draw me closer. I lay my head on his chest,
comforted by the steady, somnambulant beat of his heart. It is calming,
soothing the inner turmoil that was eating at me from the inside.

Afraid of waking,

Please don't shake me.

�Whatever,� he muttered,
tracing a calloused thumb down my spine. �Go ta sleep.�

And for him, it is just that
simple. He does not spend his time worrying on things not worth worrying about.
Life is far too short and far too busy. He prefers to live in the moment, to
enjoy every thing that he has been given for as long as he can. Perhaps I
should learn a lesson from him.

Nevertheless, I realize that
what I am, what Hojo made me, it no longer matters because I am loved by this
man. No matter what happens, that will not change. With the scars and the
demons that once infested me, with the nightmares that I suffer and the past
that I have endured, I have finally learned to accept my fate. I am happy to be
who I am. In many ways, if all that had never happened, then I would have never
met Cid.

The past is the past.

And I think I finally
understand that.

-�� -�� -�� -

Song credits go to Stained, �So Far Away�

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