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Insanity	By : Naniris Category: Final Fantasy VIII > General Views: 611 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VIII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Insanity
- 2-Denial
- 3-Masks
- 4-Reaction
- 5-Dreams
- 6-Misunderstanding
- 7-Voice
- 8-Cruelty
- 9-Overwhelmed
- 10-Childhood
- 7
- 8
- 9
This is a SeiferxZell yaoi and if you don�t like it don�t
read it.
Disclaimer: I think I own Nida�s bad luck.
��talking
~�~thoughts
{�}memories
Italics Zell�s
self-preservation

A clicking pen, a ticking clock, a bored sigh, a chair
shuffling and many other small insignificant sounds are resounding in the waiting
room outside the Headmaster�s office. While the secretary jadedly typed forms
and reports, a young man sat in the empty room, staring at her fingers press
the keyboard over and over and over again. In silence, the most inconsequential
noises become hammers pounding on his ears. Besides the headache he was getting
from the constant tapping of keys, his upper lip was cut and a violet bruise
was formed under his right eye. The left arm on his battered body hung lamely
at his side, since it has been the target for breaking, grabbing, squeezing,
kicking and punching in the last 48 hours of his life.

�Headmaster Kramer will see you now.� Without looking up the
secry puy pushed a button that opened the doors to Kramer�s office.

�Thanks.� Standing straight and walking normally he entered
into the brightly lit room.

�Good afternoon, Neda� Sitting on his desk, Cid drank his
coffee and read the several reports.

�It�s Nida, sir� The pilot�s body screamed to sit down and
rest, but he needed permission first.

�Nide.� Cid stood up, placed the cup on the desk. �Do you
know why I called you here?�

�Yes, sir� Trying to retain his uncomfortable posture, Nida
thought of what happened less than an hour ago. �I assaulted three junior
cadets in the hallway after they knocked my documents into the floor, sir; and
my name�s Nida, sir�

�I�m glad to see you�ve understand what you did, Noda. That
type of behavior is uncharacteristic of you. I expect it from the fighters or
duelers, but not a level-headed calm pilot like you. � Approaching the beaten
boy, he placed his hands on the other�s shoulders. �Remember that we all have
our place in the grand scheme of things and should act accordingly.�

�Yes, sir.� ~I wish people would stop touching me. I wish they
would remember my name.~

�I remember when you were just a lad in the Garden. Always
quiet in the library, reading up on airplanes and engines atherther impractical
things for the time. No one ever thought that it would be useful. But as you
know everyone has a place and the day the Garden flew it had a pilot.� Kramer
released his hold and paced around. �You were almost expelled, until you took
up Strategies and Battle Formations, weren�t you, Nido?�

�Yes, sir. I had to learn aerodynamics on my own time, sir.�
~There are a couple hundred strategists in the School. What was the point of
forcing me to be one?~

�You also never took any combat classes besides Basic
Self-defense, which makes your behavior even more unexpected. Those cadets you
attacked were kickboxers and a Tae Kwon Do student. Top of their class, as
well. I�ve had complaints of their attitude towards the rest of the student
body, but with fighters I tend to be more lenient, since they train to be
aggressive, after all. The most surprising thing is that you beat two of them.�

�I lost my patience, sir. It won�t happen again, sir.� ~Like
I�m going to lose to snot-nosed brats~

�I�m sure it won�t, Nila. Warriors have their place, as do
pilots. Your roommate, Gary Lou, is a specialist in surveillance and he does
his work well. The SeeD field exam was filmed by his well placed hidden cameras
on the cadets� uniforms. You helped plan the formation of our assault boats and
the following retrieval of our brave soldiers.
Zell and Squall fought and beat that Machine-spider. Selphie delivered
the retreat order to all the squads and Quistis supervised everyone for their
safety.� Cid wasn�t looking at Nida, but rather stared into space as he
reminisced. �Everyone did their part, exactly as they should. You must always
remember that even though there�s an I
in pilot, there�s none in team. Do you understand my point?�

�Yes, sir.� ~He can remember even fucking Gary, who he
barely sees every couple of months, but can�t remember my damn name and I pass
next to his office every day to go to the cockpit. And what the hell does I in
pilot and not in team mean?~

�Then you know that you�ll be reprimanded for your actions.
Rules must be followed, so wit withholding your SeeD pay indefinitely.� The
headmaster stopped pacing and sat on the edge of his wooden desk. �You�ll set
an example for the cadets.�

�But, why, sir? I�I don�t understand. Even when Almasy
terrorized everyone and actually used his gunblade in the Quad just to showoff,
you never punished him.� He felt like he was losing balance, but continued
pleading for reasoning. �I know that fighting in the hallways is prohibited,
sir. But those cadets do it all the time and are never punished.�

�Control yourself, boy. I don�t need to be reminded of past
failures like Seifer and I don�t need to be told how to do my job. I thought
you understood my point quite clearly, but I must have overestimated you.� At
the mention of his former pupil, Cid�s anger rose suddenly. He had high hopes
for Seifer and often saw him like a son. �I will only say this one more time.
Fighters are allowed to fight, you�re not. All you have to do is teach and fly,
nothing else. Learn your place and act accordingly. I was hoping that Gary Lou
could teach you this. He knows what he has to do and doesn�t interfere in
matters that don�t concern him.�

�Gary is a sick
pervert and I hate him.� He couldn�t stand hearing praise for his tormentor and
felt blood boiling behind his eyes. Lost in his fury, he didn�t see the hand
strike him soundly on his right cheek.

�Never speak ill of your comrades. No one�s perfect, so you
can�t judge anyone. You may think that you�re irreplaceable, since there isn�t
another expert pilot in our Garden, but a phone call away there�s the Galbadia
Garden pilot, waiting for a second
chance.� The once kind face of Kramer was crunched up and deformed into a pit
bull�s. �I�ll forgive your words, but never repeat them again to anyone since I
will know you said them. Do you understand me now, or are those too many big
words?�

�I understand, sir.� The rage he felt moments ago dissipated
and was soon replaced by despair and confusion.
Deep down he knew that letting his feelings show would be a grave
mistake.

�I�m glad you do, Nada.� Leading the pilot towards the door,
he turned benevolent once again and smiled gently. �I must be harsh, so you�ll
learn.�

�Yes, sir� ~What just happened?~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inside the Infirmary, the lights shone fluorescently and floor
glimmered of disinfectants. Ordered to go there to treat his wounds and
bruises, Nida walked mechanically, putting one foot in front of the other until
he reached a doctor�s office. Nothing made sense at that moment. Kramer struck
him, screamed at him and threatened to relieve him of his post. ~He always
seemed so nice�a little absentminded but he wouldn�t hurt a fly�Why?~

�Can I help you, pal?� A novice surgeon stepped out of the
office and stared at Nida�s haggard state.

�I�m looking for Dr. Kadowaki.� Looking at the young man, he
couldn�t see the face�s features. Everything seemed blurred and
out-of-proportion.

�She�s unavailable. If it�s about those wounds, I can treat
you.� Without waiting for a response the surgeon walked into a room. The number
3 was visible over the door.

Letting his body glide on its own, the SeeD couldn�t think.
He wanted to lie down and sleep for a week. Everything hurt, his arm was
useless and a jabbing nail was forcing its way into his skull. Once inside, he
sat down on the bed, removed his shirt and waited for his next order. Thinking
for himself was to tiring.

�Name� Perusing through an archive, he looked for the
patient�s file.

�Nida� ~How many times have I said it?~

�Just Nida, huh? No parents?� The young doctor sounded
distant, faded.

�No parents. My orphanage didn�t give second names.� ~Nobody
ever wonders why Xu, Rajin, Fujin and I never give second names. The same
orphanage yet we�re so different.~

�Says here you were treated for a broken arm a couple nights
ago. Didn�t take the painkillers the doctor prescribed. Want them now?� Taking
a bottle out of the medicine cabinet, he handed it over.

�Yes, please.� ~He�s nice, talking to me like I exist.~

�A couple of potions should do the trick.� From the same
cabinet he took out three vials. They were light green and glowed faintly.
Pouring two onto his arm and torso, he handed the third to the pilot. �Drink
this one.�

The acrid taste was nauseating, but he felt the headache
alleviate and his insides weren�t burning anymore. �Thanks�can I ask you
something?�

�Sure, go ahead.� The empty recipients were arranged in a
sink to be sterilized and refilled later.

�How you ever felt that the world is against you? That no matter
what you do, nobody will care what happens to you?� The pain died down into a
numb stiffness. The buttons on the shirt slid clumsily into their respective
holes, the finger tips manipulating them frozen and bloodless. His head felt
empty, but the memory of the stinging slap remained.

�Feeling kind of down, huh? I have some antidepressants if
you want them. Lift your spirits up really quick.�

�No�no, it�s okay. Thanks for the meds.� ~I don�t want
pills�I know I�ll become addicted to them�If they make me happy, then I�ll
never give them up~

�You sure?� The doctor�s face was still featureless. The
hair color, the eye color, the skin color; does he have full lips or thin
ones?; is his nose crooked, straight or a button; is he immaculate or does he
bare scars?; Nida couldn�t tell, he
couldn�t create the image in his head. All he knew was that the other was young
and nice. Or was he? What if he was old? Was he nice or just courteous to
somebody with some rank? The most important detail was unknown. What was his
name?

�Yeah, bye� ~I don�t wto kto know his name�if people don�t
know mine then I don�t want to know theirs.~

The Asian left the office quickly, leaving the unknown man
behind. As if the fates enjoyed their little practical jokes, Dr. Kadowaki entered
the room. Zell and Quistis left the white room around ten minutes before and
were headed towards the Cafeteria, leaving a warrior to console his princess.
Kadowaki gave the couple some reassuring advice and left them to their privacy.

�Has anyone procured me while I was busy, Dr. Nadie?� The
older woman began to pull out files from the archive and check her notes.

�Just a young chap called Nida. A little beaten up, but I
gave him a couple of potions and the painkillers you prescribed for him.�

�Did he need anything else?� She remembered the look of
empty acceptance in Nida�s eyes from the day before. That look worried her and
she wished that her time wasn�t so limited at that moment.

�Well, he seemed kind of blue, so I suggested some
antidepressants. He didn�t want then though� He said casually, as if he
recommended aspirin.

�I would suggest that you never do that again, Dr. Nadie. At
least while I�m in charge of the medical department. Drugs are not magical
cure-alls, no matter what the potion makers say.� Her face became taut with
irritation. The medical professionals of these days frustrated her with how
impersonal they have become and the methods they preferred. �Counseling and a
patient ear are the best solution for many psychological problems. If he gave
you the impression of being slightly depressed then you ask him about his
worries. Don�t give him mood-changing drugs on a whim; the side effects should
not be pro problematic than the illness, Dr. Nadie.�

�Right, right, sorry, Dr. Kadowaki. But he didn�t take them,
so no harm done.� He had only been on her staff for little over a week and
forgot about the doctor�s policy on drugs.

�Harm can be caused many ways, Dr. Nadie.� She sighed and
returned to her notes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cafeteria buzzed
with life as everyone talked and laughed during lunch hour. About a week has
passed since the End of the World and it was starting to sink in that
everything would return to normal. On one of the tables near the furthermost
wall from the entrance sat a highly recognizable blond warrior with a black
emblem on his face. In front of him sat an innocent, peppy girl with a pigtail.
Yesterday afternoon it was a serious, sophisticated, young woman. He preferred
his friend.

�So, as I was comforting the junior cadets in the midst of
all that destruction and chaos, this Gdiandian soldier stood right next to us
poised to shoot with a machine gun. All the children were so scared and
shivering, so I sang a lullaby to calm them. The soldier broke down and cried
about how his mother would sing that song to him and that he didn�t want to
kill, so I consoled him and said that it would be alright and everyone is
forgiven if they repent.� Grasping her hands in each other, she continued her
story of what happened when the Galbadia and Balamb
Gardens faced off in mid-air.

Across the table sat the young warrior battling against
sleep and boredom. �That�s great, Mary Sue. You were really brave.� ~Make it
STOP!!�..I like listening to her��How?
HOW?!?!......She�s a terrific liar��If
she is, then why are you enjoying this?��See
the way her hands move and the gleam in
her eyes, I almost believe her�..I�m lost��.She lies like a pro. I can�t
find a single flaw in her story, except that it�s so sappy that cynics will
never believe it�...I can find plenty��The
soldier�s probably never existed and she can say that the kids lost their
memories because it was so traumatic. There was so much going on at once, that
who is to say it didn�t happen�..It�s this why you wanted me to invite her
to the ball?�..Yes and no. At first I
wanted you to get laid already, but now I like studying her technique�..You
want me to have sex with her?!?!......Why
not?~

�Zell, are you okay? You�re face is red.� She placed her
hand on Zell�s fist.

�I�m fine re-really� He could feel his stomach lurch. Mary
wasn�t ugly or anything, but he just didn�t like her and knowing that she�s a
pathological liar wasn�t helping. ~Come on guys, get here already~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking out of the elevator, in the midst of faceless
silhouettes and mindless banter, Nida dragged himself towards the Cafeteria. He
had just come out of his Engine Design and Ship Maintenance class for junior
cadets interested in preserving the Garden in the future. The institution was a
rusted mess inside and sometimes Nida wondered how it flew in the first place.
Everyday he had to wake up early, fix the kinks out of the controls, give that
class at 10am and fix their mistakes, have lunch alone, write up reports about
how the repairs are progressinive ive a class at two for future pilots and
remind them of their limits, have dinner alone, return to his dorm room, get
molested by his roommate, lock himself up in his room, pray that the next day
would be better and repeat.

Today was different; today he was meeting Zell for lunch and
no longer would consider Gary the only person who knew him. It was the only
reason he woke up this morning. After the scene in Cid�s office he has felt
isolated from the Garden. According to Kramer he had to learn his place and
live with it. However, his place was to stand alone in a cockpit, teach some
hotshots and get assaulted daily. Not anymore.

The Lunch area was full to capacity, so he decided to get
some food and then look for his new-found friend. There was no point in risking
an empty stomach if all the meals were already gone. After waiting for twenty
minutes he saw the clock mark 12:09.
Ten minutes late.

~Come on�.Come on~ He
didn�t want anything to go wrong.

�What would you like?� The plump Cafeteria Lady served
dishes left and right, listening to dozens of hungry mouths.

�Burger, fries and a soda.� Simple and quick; the best way
to order.

�10 gil.� She outstretched her left hand and fixed the
burger with her right.

�Here you go, madam.� He placed the money into her hand.

�Here�s ya lunch, sonny.�
She looked up and smiled. Being addressed nicely for a change tends to
do that.

�Thanks� After grabbing his tray he left in search of Zell.

The small warrior wasn�t hard to find. His clothes were
simple and mundane, but they couldn�t hide the aura that exuded from the
martial artist. As he approached he noticed a young girl with her hair tied
tightly into a tail. Her brown hair seemed familiar, as well as her mannerisms.
Zell, noticing the Asian pilot who he had broken not long ago, shouts out.

�Nida, hey Nida. Over here.� He stood up and waved his arms vigorously
as if pleading someone to pull him out of a lion�s pit.

Upon hearing the shout, Nida wanted to wave back, but his
right arm was busy carrying the tray. The pigtailed girl turns around and
scowls at himary ary Sue�what is she doing here?...Is Zell the better guy she
left me for?~

He continues to walk forward until he sees her mouth
silently �GO AWAY�. The tray and all its contents fall loudly on the floor. The
room spins as everyone grows quite and stares at him for a second. Soon they
return to their gossip and ignore what they just saw. ~Zell wants to be my
friend�but he�s with my ex. She dumped me so suddenly and then that same night
Zell breaks my arm and I�I can�t face her now. I can�t take anymore shit.~

He turns around and runs for the exit. Too much has happened
in the past few days, he can�t stand everything ate. She lies so well�.You mean he wasn�t her boyfriend�..Oh, he was. Her eyes are lying beautifully�..
I don�t get you. I�m going after him�...That
isn�t a good idea. Trust me. Every time yavenaven�t, somebody ended up hurt��But...I
can�t let him leave like that�..You can
and you will, now sit down~ He sat back down and placed his chin on his
hand. Normally Zell would have ignored Mary Sue and the voice, but he regrets
the mistakes he�s made. The voice was always right, and Zell was always wrong.

As Nida reaches into the entryway he knocks into
someone. The feeling of cold leather and
warm feathers brushed his cheek. Realizing who it was, he paled slightly more.

�What�s your problem?� Squall pushed him aside and clenched
his fists. He disliked Nida greatly and wasn�t shy of letting it show. Next to
him stood Rinoa and Quistis, one of them surprised and the other sympathetic.

Fear, anger, desperation, rejection, all rolled up in a ball
threatening to explode and consume him; Nida resorted to sarcasm as a flimsy
shield. �What the fuck do you care, huh? I�m only Nada, right? So take your
knight-in-shining-armor ass out of my face and fuck off.� ~What am I doing? I
should just shut up.~

�You arrogant fuck, I�ll�� He grabbed Nida by the collar,
but soon released him when he was slapped upside the head.

�Grow up, Squall.� Even though she was shorter than Squall,
she seemed to surpass him and make him appeared like a 12 year-ol}ou�You can
leave, Nida.�

�Damn it, Quistis.�
He watched the Asian walk away swiftly.

�Forgive and forget, ok?� Rinoa took his arm and started to
pull him away from the blond. �Zell�s waiting. He wanted to introduce us to a
new friend of his, remember? We have less than an hour before we meet
Kadowaki.�

�Fine.� He followed the brunette through the crowds.

Looking behind her Quistis felt uneasy about Nida. ~Why did
you call yourself Nada?~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaning against a pillar in plain view of everyone, a tall
surveillance expert watched the entire ordeal. He couldn�t be happier with the
results. ~Only I want you. Only I see you. When you realize my love you�ll
fling yourself into my arms and beg for my caresses.~

He caught Mary Sue�s eye while she sweet-talked her famous
acquaintances. A wink and a wave; their business was done. He remembered yesterday after leaving for the
library.

{�MARY SUE. I need to talk to you.� He stomped into the
quiet setting and bellowed again. �Damn it! Get your ass out here.�

From the shelves of books appeared a youthful girl, with a
serene smile she said. �Please sir, the library is used for studying. If yoush tsh to speak to me, come to the storage room.�

The students crammed into the book shelves and desks in
order to see the brave librarian face against that loud-mouthed deviant. Just
before closing the door, the courageous girl beamed at her admirers. �Don�t worry.
I�ll be back soon.�

The storage room was full of dusty copies of old editions of
useless books. Turning on the light, the innocent pigtailed girl looked
straight into Gary�s face and said.
�What the fuck is your problem, asshole? Coming here screaming your fucking
head off like that. I got an image, you know.�

�Calm down. We got to talk about your new boyfriend and your
ex.� He sat on a stack of Romance novels and crossed his legs.

�What about them? Want to fuck �em both now?� Mary played
with her hair, fix it up a little it.

�Tomorrow at twelve they�re having lunch together and if
Nida starts talking about the girl that dumped him after he gave the bitch the
world, what do you think Hyper-boy�s going to think, huh?� Uncrossing his legs
he stood up and glanced at the old issues of Timber Maniacs.

�Why would Zell hang out with that loser? He�s a nobody.�
She started to fiddle with her nails; removing the non-existing dirt.

�Doesn�t matter. All you gotta do is meet up with the
ninja-wannabe before Nida gets there and scare him off. He hasn�t gotten over
you yet. I mean you left him holding his cock only a couple of days ago.� Gary
walked towards her and removed a small dust-bunny from her shoulder.

�Why do you get out off this? You never do anything for
nothing.� She swatted his hand away and placed her fists on her hips.

�Nida needs to learn that he�s only mine. I left him alone
when you were dating him, of course.� He grinned widely and honestly, but
couldn�t fool a con-artist.

�Hah! Sure you did. I couldn�t touch his dick because of
you. I know what you�re like.� She smirked and glared fiercely.

Holding his palms outward, he pleaded to his sister. �Do
this for me�for your big bro.�
p clp class=MsoNormal>
�Okay, fine. Don�t ever come in here hollering like your ass
is on fire again.� The idea of being biologically linked to someone like Gary
was appalling. �People might think were related.�

�We are, even if you don�t like it.� He leaned forward and
was about to place a peck on the top of her head when a hand slapped him hard.

�Don�t kiss me with that shitty mouth of yours. Never know
what�s been in there.� Her tone was vengeful, but the smile that graced her
face was one of sibling rivalry.

�Love you, too.� He rubbed his reddening cheek and opened
the door. The mob of eavesdroppers staggered from the door. There was no point
in doing so, since the storage room was fire-proof, water-proof and by
consequence sound proof. �I�m sorry for screaming, Mary.�

�Remember that the library is a quiet place and that you�re
always welcomed if you respect that.� hardhard cynical self was well-hidden
behind the charismatic angel.

�I�ll remember that. Thank you for showing me the light, the
light that leads towards the true path of happiness. I�ll never harm another
book or bring them in late. I�ll never interrupt other people�s studying, since
you have rectified me; set me straight and led me out of the path of darkness.�
The corniness and overacting was causing several cadets to suppress their
giggles.

�Go now. Learn to be good and teach this to others.� She
couldn�t help but play along. What really made her laugh inside were the people
taking this seriously.

�I will, oh fair maiden, I will.� And with a flourish he
left the library leaving a baffled crowd and an amused hypocrite.}

After reminiscing, Gary
strolled through the eating masses and planned his next move. ~I wonder if
you�re hungry enough to eat at the dorm.~ This thought alone excited him
greatly.

TBC

A/N
I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I�ll get to the actual
SeiferxZell soon enough.

Cid�s actions in the first part are uncharacteristic, but
that�s because he�s under a lot of stress and wants everything to be perfect
and in its place. In the following chapters you�ll see why.

Nadie is Spanish for nobody. If you see any name you don�t
recognize it�s probably Spanish. I made the character featureless and gave him
that name because he represents many doctors�and because I�m lazy when it comes
to original characters. Kadowaki�s opinions on the matter of drugs are my own.

How many people guessed that Mary Sue and Gary Lou were
siblings? The rhyme in the names, Gary
knew about Mary, little bits of foreshadowing.

If you�re asking yourself: Why does she make Nida suffer so
much? When is she going to give him a break?
Well my answer is that I�m trying to give Nida a nervous
breakdown. Everything I write is cause and effect, so I can�t pull a breakdown
out of nowhere.

You may also be wondering about the voice. Hokit wrote to me a while ago: What I don�t understand is
whether the �voice� in Zell�s head is evil or not. It seems to be rational, but
at the same time it seems to give Zell the wrong advice � i.e. urging him to
forget about what happened and run away from it instead of facing it.

So I answered:

I have a very psychoanalytical mind and
the dynamics of the human psyche is one of my greatest interests. The voice
that speaks to Zell is the same one that every one has. It�s our conscience,
that angel that sits on your shoulder and tells you what to do. People with an
overly active imagination tend to personify this sub-consciousness into a
pseudo personality. Zell has a hyper personality, so I assume his imagination
is also hyper, hence he creates this other voice with whom he has conversations
with.

The voice isn�t evil, per se, but is a
representation of society standards and how he was raised. That�s why it seems
rational, but whether or not it�s evil depends on your views on human
society. Society imposes that big boys
don�t cry and can take care of their problems on their own, so Zell hides how
he feels first with anger, then with joyfulness and later on he becomes
introverted. He can�t show pain or weakness, because society demands that men
be strong. Another thing is that only women are raped; for a man to be violated
in such a manner would be disgraceful and he would be shunned by his peers. For
this reason is that the voice continues to deny that the rape ever occurred in
the first place. Society also imposes that men pair off with women and that any
other combination is ludicrous, because of this the voice tries to steer Zell
away from any type of feelings towards men and also why the voice is interested
in Mary Sue. It knows that she is an easy lay. You�ll see this more clearly in
following chapters. Since women are allowed to be r wir with their emotions,
Quistis and Rinoa are able to express themselves and the turmoil they�re
feeling, Zell can�t.

I hope my little exposition as helped
clarify some things instef bof boring you. ^_^ Please review.
- 7
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Insanity