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Once a Man	By : Tamlin Category: Final Fantasy VII > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 675 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
AN: I�ve been working on this a lot since I�m on vacation right now, so enjoy the frequent updates. It won�t last long. I�ve also begun work on the sequel to this, �Now a Monster.� Cheers to everyone for the New Year!

Once a Man

Chapter 8: Nightmare
I want to apologize if any of the following sections make little sense. It isn�t entirely my fault. You see, this is where my mind started breaking down. While I figured much of it out over the years, parts are still hazy to me. I am sure that most of this is her doing, but I am not foolish enough to not take into account that my own mind shies from this, blurring things, making me forget the parts that hurt me the most.

But, I fear, you will see�

The Jenova project was not an unending stream of excitement. At first, it was dull. The whole project seemed to be nothing but looking at microscopes (not through them, at them) and watching dust settle on the equipment. I spent hours of time swilling down poorly made coffee and watching the expensive equipment glitter in the high tech lighting of the lab. Little did I suspect that equipment was really meant to house me and Vincent, or that Gast and the beautiful Dr. Crescent were smiling placidly watching me gulp down that horrid coffee, waiting for the small additions they�d so lovingly spiked it with to take effect. Neither did I know that a variation of those additions was going into Vincent�s coffee on a regular basis with even more additional spices to make his day cheerier.

Oh, all the normal things were going on. The cleaning crew finally chased some of the gloom out of our domicile. Vincent�s new hobby of tending to the landscaping was quickly making the outside look pleasant enough. Vincent and I spent a happy afternoon taking our bed apart and methodically fixing each squeaky spring then thoroughly testing it to see if it made any sounds.

It all just seemed so pointless, dull.

Then, Vincent began acting odd. One moment he was just the same as always, my loving companion and best friend, then, out of nowhere, he would look dreamily away, lost in some other place. If roused, he�d blindly smile and reminisce about something Lucrecia had done.

�We were walking out in the fields and she smiled at me.� He�d look dreamily away. �She has the most beautiful smile in the world.�

I sat, confused and a bit hurt, as he rambled on about how sweet she was, about picnics under apple trees with the flowers blooming above them, about walking with her in town with her smiling at the children, or a thousand other little instances of the wonder of her presence.

Looking back, I realize that two things were obvious at that point that I was too muddled to see. First, Vincent, while loving nature, did not just fall asleep under random trees, especially, not where Nibel wolves could make puppy chow of him. Every Turk instinct in his body would have insisted that he remain awake, and, if he was that tired, to get to a safe location to rest. Second, I was not a door mat. Yet there I was letting Vincent figuratively wipe his feet on my ego and passively letting him not only continue on with Lucrecia, but listen to him talk about falling in love with her as if this was all perfectly natural then shrug it off and bounce around on the bed with him that night.

As time passed, Vincent and Lucrecia became even more intimate. I became even more confused as each day brought more delightful surprises of Vincent and Lucrecia kissing in the now lush gardens; of Vincent not coming to bed, and, when I got worried and looked for him, finding his voice, raw and panting, coming from her room; of the two of them standing together talking, smiling at each other, and exchanging small, loving touches. I was abandoned altogether by my lover, as if the years between us meant nothing. In helpless, bewildered despair, I fell back into my old past time of visiting the local bars.

Gast didn�t mind. He spent most of his days staring at Jenova or puttering around the lab. When I did appear, hung over and feeling like hell, he�d just sigh and wave me away.

�Nothing yet, my boy, nothing yet. Go enjoy the day. We�ll be busy enough soon.� He�d laugh with a jovial, booming sound.

Poor, lost, drunk that I was, I would just nod and stumble out, desperately hoping I wouldn�t be treated to a sideshow of Vincent and Lucrecia snuggling lovingly with each other as I made my daily trek to the bar.

My health deteriorated rapidly. I blamed the drinking at the time. I had headaches, my stomach wouldn�t accept solid food, and I lost track of time. Sleep became a tortuous, lonely affair filled with looming monsters that sometimes began visiting me even while awake. My nerves became so brittle and over sensitive that even walking through the mansion�s dimly lit halls and then stepping into the rare bright spots of light would trigger a migraine. The slightest of sounds grated down my nerves like shards of glass. I broke out in painful rashes. My muscles continually ached and would often spasm uncontrollably. My joints creaked and moaned at me as if I was an old, old man. I lost weight till my clothes hung off my body like they would off clothes hangers.

Vincent, who at one point would have been alarmed at this, just turned his back and returned to the wonder that was her. He now slept in a separate room, across from hers and spent most of his days (and nights) keeping her company. His other duties were forgotten. Not even the arrival of soldiers to take over his job aroused in him the notion that he was derelict in his performance as the head of security.

Looking back, I can see that quite simply, I was dying, slowly and painfully, and Vincent was too far gone in whatever drugged fog she had us in to notice. We, who at one time would have defended the other to the death, now barely recognized each other as we stumbled past in the halls.

Then one day, in the middle of my suffering, a ministering angel appeared to me to whisper all the loving things that I had so desperately missed. She would find me in my agony and lead me to a place where I could rest. Her soft hands soothed my pain. Her voice led me back from the delirium that had overtaken me. She was my savior, and it seemed in only a matter of weeks, she was my dearest love.

You guessed it, Lucrecia.

Vincent? All of a sudden, I couldn�t even remember who he was, he was my rival and that was all. He, unworthy, stupid, uncouth boy that he was, wanted to take my angel away from me. I hated him for that. Couldn�t he see that he wasn�t worthy of her? Couldn�t he see that she was as far above him as the stars from the earth?

Couldn�t I notice that I was delusional?

Apparently the answer to all those was no. No more than I noticed that Vincent was delusional, or that it was strange that suddenly Gast, in his infinite wisdom had decided that I needed to give blood samples every three days and �vitamin� shots every day to �help you recover from that nasty flu you seem to have caught.� Vincent also had to have his shots and tests too, to make sure he didn�t contract my disease.

I recovered, thanks to my angel. In my gratitude, I showered her with gifts. I arranged elegant dinners at the Inn and strolls to see the sunset on the mountains. I laughed with her as we danced in local celebrations. Each morning I got out of bed, rejoicing in my health (which was still pitiful, but I didn�t mind), and raced down to breakfast to bask in her kindness.

The fact that she tossed Vincent aside like a piece of garbage was easily brushed aside. He wasn�t fit to touch her shoes to clean them. Her previous infatuation was brushed away as no more than a young, innocent being attracted to a sly, good looking piece of shit. She�d realized the error of her actions and had come to me. She even confessed as much to me.

I remember, I was walking back from town, feeling rather sad, lonely and confused, as if I had lost something of great value and didn�t know what it was. I had seen her and Vincent together down in one of the labs, arguing, and blamed my mood on the fact that my angel was still talking to that low life. I was crushed, remembering vaguely the sounds of them having sex, and despaired that my angel was sullying herself with that toad. I had just reached the outside fence to the estate and was contemplating walking a bit farther. I didn�t want to go back inside if all I would encounter was that dimwitted Turk putting his dirty hands on my sweet darling.

When I stepped past the gate, I heard her voice calling to me. �Doctor! Wait, please wait.�

Of course I would wait. For her, I would have tried to stop the rotation of the planet. I turned and smiled at her, my heart lifting at the sight of her walking towards me.

She came to stand in front of me, smiling shyly. �I just� I�was wondering.�

�Yes,� I stepped closer, exalting in her presence. She was so lovely standing there in the breeze with her hair twining around her delicate features.

�Well, we�uhm�� she blushed. �I was wondering if�� She looked up at me, like a doe finding courage to face a great peril. ��you�d spend the night with me.� She looked away then shook her head. �I�m sorry. I�m being to forward, but��

�I thought you were dating that Turk�Vincent.� I stepped away slightly, hurting.

�Oh, I was just�confused.� She bit her lip, looking tearful. �He�s so hansom and charming. I guess I made a fool of myself.�

�So you�ve come to your senses and chosen me?� I couldn�t believe my luck. After months (actually about a week but I was too drugged to accurately keep track of time) of suffering with the fact that my angel was defiling herself with that pig, I was suddenly granted access to heaven.

�Yes, Doctor.� She smiled shyly up at me then reached up to pull me into a hug.

I was in ecstasy. I gloried in the feeling of my angel�s body pressed close to mine. We joyfully went back to her room, the same one that Vincent so long ago (a few days ago in real, undrugged time) made love to her, and�

I�ll skip the next part thank you. It isn�t that I can�t remember, but remembering what it was like to be intimate with her still makes me rather ill.

Time passed in a haze of lovely moments, and it seemed that in only a matter of weeks (actually two days by my not so accurate reckoning) we were standing outside the small chapel on the outskirts of Nibelheim kissing and newly wed. Gast, who had in our time at the mansion had transformed into a fatherly, caring gentleman, toasted us as the locals laughed and showered us with confetti. My angel, dressed in white, with flower blossoms in her hair, looked radiant. My only dark cloud was the sulking, dolt of a Turk that lurked in the background.

I felt as if my life couldn�t get any more perfect. My angel and I were always together. We exchanged small smiles, giggled like children if our hands brushed together, and we were always catching each other�s gaze. Nights�well, I am disgusted to say I enjoyed them.

The Jenova project was going well. We suddenly had lots of data to work with. I never questioned where this raw data came from. I never suspected a thing. I was just pleased that my angel, my dear friend, Gast, and I were finally working together on a project that was sure to make the world a better place. We spent hours in the lab, lost in the world of science.

The only thing that could have made my life even more perfect occurred a few months (about five days) later when my sweet angel shyly told me that she was pregnant. I was so happy I was literally stunned. I was going to be a father! My angel, my sweet, perfect angel was going to be a mother. Our child, ours, was growing in her and one day, I would see physical proof of our love. I cried with joy, never suspecting anything was wrong with what I was being told.

A few weeks later (probably the next day, but I�m not sure of this), we were in bed and I was lying so that my ear was against her belly. I knew that I couldn�t hear my child, but I wanted to feel close to that tiny life. I loved my child and wanted to be near it.

�Hojo, I was thinking.� My angel was lovingly stroking my hair. �About Jenova.�

�Hmmm?� I kissed her still flat stomach, hoping that my child would feel my love even if he or she couldn�t yet feel my kiss. �What about her.�

�The findings so far have been spectacular, don�t you agree.� Her voice was soft and dreamy. �No bad side effects at all.�

If I had been at all sane, I would have violently disagreed with her. All the findings so far proved Jenova to be a time bomb just waiting to go off, and the only spectacular thing was our complete stupidity for not devoting our time to disposing of the monster. Jenova was, to be frank, an abomination. Only a complete moron, a wacko, or someone under Jenova�s influence could look at that freak of nature and think �Oh, so this is an Ancient.�Unfortunately, I was well into wacko territory at the time.

�Yes, none at all.� I lifted my head to look questioningly at her. �Why?�

�I was thinking,� she stroked her fingers down my face, �why not give our child every blessing that we can?�

Even insane, I felt a twinge of alarm. �What do you mean?�

�Jenova.� She brushed her fingers through my hair. �Why not give our child Jenova treatments and give our darling the best start possible?�

I shook my head, �I don�t know��

�Let�s talk to Professor Gast tomorrow. Get another opinion.� She pulled me up to kiss her. �I only want what�s best for our little one.�

The next day, after my continuing treatment for that horrible virus (It was truly amazing how I always felt much more agreeable after my treatments), we talked to Gast. He made a few fatherly noises, but reluctantly agreed that it was a good idea. My reservations evaporated, and we shifted our research to using Jenova to enhance my child�s future. It was amazing, truly amazing, how effortlessly we managed to change course and how Shinra just okayed the project without the batting of an accountant�s eye. All the data on using Jenova on human subjects was already there and we had nothing more to do than to put it to use on helping my unborn son or daughter become the best he or she could hope to be.

I never questioned the data. I never connected the symptoms of Jenova exposure with the �flu� I had experienced. I didn�t think, even for a second, about how strange it was that the data was so up to date, or that all the shiny, unused equipment was so perfect for what we were attempting. I never worried that never, ever had I seen any reports on human experimentation slide across my desk while back in Midgar. I just accepted what I was given, happy to be working with my angel and my best friend to create a better future.

Vincent was the only one to buck at the reins. He questioned Lucrecia. I even overheard them arguing about it, but since my angel put him firmly in his place, I just smiled and walked past, happy that she had gotten over her infatuation with that immature imbecile. He didn�t give up though. He kept worrying at it. Even after Lucrecia and I both told him that we knew what we were doing and that this is what she really wanted, he kept nipping at it, gnawing at it like the stubborn Turk that I had first fallen in love with.

In the end, it was his insistence that something was wrong that finally alerted me to the fact that something was most definitely wrong. I just didn�t know what was wrong. I was too far under their control to look to them as the source for this wrongness. Instead, I looked at Vincent.

Something about the man tugged at me. He irritated me. He infuriated me at times. I hated him, yet, at the same time, I was always aware of him. I could identify his footsteps even in a crowd. When he walked past me, I would recognize the scent of his skin and if he smelled even slightly different. I could spot him just by the way he moved even at a distance. It drove me mad. Or more accurately, sane.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I started to remember. It was small things at first like how he would slightly bite his bottom lip when deep in thought. One day, he sighed and I translated it without thinking. I started to look at calendars trying to reconcile my memories to the date then getting confused when they didn�t match up. I watched Lucrecia, worrying when I couldn�t remember why I married her, or even why I thought she was special. I chaffed when I realized that the soldiers stationed around the mansion weren�t Turks, feeling as if their presence was a glaring warning that something was horribly wrong. Lucrecia, who by my confused time reckoning should have been in her third trimester, was still slim with only a slight bump to show her condition.

Gast, claiming that he was starting to worry that I was relapsing, increased my medication. The data suddenly became less clear as it showed that Jenova could be rejected by the recipient organism. Our research began to lose focus and everything began to unravel. I became sick again and Gast clucked about being right about a relapse. The world became confused, but I had sunk my teeth in to the idea of something being wrong and I wasn�t letting go. Vincent had taught me far too well.

Time swayed dizzily around. I was back again in Bone Village jogging with Vincent up the path towards the cavern to the Sleeping Forest. I was back in Wutai, weeping silently as soldiers paraded past our tiny house and my mother held me as we huddled on the floor. I was in Midgar sprawled on the couch in Vincent�s arms watching a movie. I was running for my life from a huge hungry lizard while Tewits fluttered in the distance. I was walking down the school corridor, worrying about my test results.

I jolted back to the present one day when my door slammed open and Vincent stood there snarling at me. Only it wasn�t Vincent. Vincent had beautiful light brown eyes. Vincent had golden cream skin. This was not Vincent. This thing that was pretending to be him had gleaming yellow eyes and grey skin. Long, jagged teeth were sliding down over his lower lip. I was frozen as he started yelling, demanding something from me. His voice was too loud, his face too angry. I was lost in between the confusing now and all those thens that had been racing through my fevered mind.

�Talk! Why did you let this happen!?�

Let what happen? What? Just be quiet. Let me think. �Silence!�

My head hurt, but as I looked at him, I remembered. Vincent?

If anything his appearance had gotten worse. His hair was spiking upwards into red, jagged peaks. Talons were growing from his hands. I got frightened, and, half sane as I was, I did what Vincent had taught me to do so long ago. I used the gun he had given me on our first anniversary and shot him.

�Silence!�

The shot echoed around in my head, clashing with the sound of Vincent�s snarling voice, Gast�s fatherly, booming laugh, and Lucrecia sweetly calling my name. I needed to focus. I needed to think. Something, something dreadful had just happened, but my confused brain was spinning.

�Why can�t these people just keep quiet!�

And then they were. I was standing over Vincent with a gun in my hands watching him die.

�Vincent?� I could barely breathe. I felt like someone was crushing my chest.

He looked up at me, already losing consciousness, but his eyes still glowed golden, his skin still grey, and his teeth long and animalistic.

�What have they done? What have I done?� I shook my head, thinking of the strange data. Oh sweet Planet, Vincent. �No. No. I can� I can still save you. That body of research�all that data�we were� their next experiment. I�I�m such a fool. Gast, he thinks he�s a genius. I am sorry. I�m sorry. I know we had no success here. I can�t think straight. How can they even try to justify this as science. I was so wrong. All my failures� I�m sorry. I�m sorry.�

I don�t know how long I stood there babbling, but Lucrecia ran in and looked at him laying there bleeding on the floor, �Hojo, what have you done.�

I should have turned the gun on her. I should have killed her for what she�d done.

Even then, dying from her manipulations, he reached out for her. �Lucrecia.�

I screamed. I kept screaming as soldiers came in and pinned me to the ground, wrestling the gun from my frozen grip. I screamed when Gast came in and ordered Vincent�s body to be taken down stairs to the labs. I screamed when she coolly turned her back and walked away from me without another glance. I kept screaming when I was put in a cell. I screamed till my voice broke and my mind with it.
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Once a Man