How Can I Live Without You?

Warnings: Yaoi, Slight OOC of course, Sorta-Rape, Incest, AU, Slight bastardization of Strife?

/Lyrics/
~Flashback~

Disclaimer: Not mine. Lyrics are Ill Nino, “How Can I Live”
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“I didn’t want to hurt you.” “It’s supposed to hurt.” “But..” “You can’t have pleasure without the hurt..”

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/I am so unlike you
In so many ways./

Swords clashed and sparked dramatically, the wind stinging eyes and blurring vision. One blade clattered to the cement and Kadaj was forced back against the wall, glaring up at his enemy. A second blade fell from leather encased grip, and Kadaj was lifted by his throat against the wall.

/I know I'm just a copy,
That carries on the stain./

“I hate you.” The words were snarled in his ear, the predatory growl that filtered through making him tremble, “..I hate you, you’re nothing but a weak, pathetic little copy.” And he was flung like a rag doll to the cement, one pale hand reaching out for Souba, only to be stopped by a heavy boot upon his wrist. A strangled cry left his lips as the bones twisted and rubbed.

/But, We make the same mistakes.
Cause, We are one in the same./

“Fuck. You. Brother.” Kadaj spat, surprised by the sudden weight atop his back, forcing his cheek down against the grit on the ground, slicing through the baby-soft skin, “I am NOT your brother.” Leather-encased fingers threaded through his hair and wrenched his head back roughly, Kadaj twisting the best way he could to keep his neck from snapping at the pressure.

/But, We leave behind the stain.
I cannot separate./

Silvery strands were released, fingers on his scalp forcing his head back against the cement with a cruel crunch of gravel on bone, “I will NEVER be your brother.” Souba was picked up by a hand different from it’s owner’s, the sharp pain of the double blades penetrating the spirit’s shoulder. Another gasped scream left his lips, pinned like a butterfly to the cement by his shoulder.

/All that lies in me,
All that dies in me./

Buckles and leather were tugged at roughly until the teen was left bare to his ‘brother’s’ eyes. Leather-gloved hands ran over smooth flesh, swiftly marred by bruising prints as one, then another hand came down on the skin. Tears built in the corners of Kadaj’s eyes, nails dragging along the cement. His upper body was forced almost fully down against the cement by the angle of the blade protruding from it, his hips raised and fully aware of his position.

/How can I live without you?/

Kadaj could hear the distinct sound of the zipper to Cloud’s pants being undone, sending a heady mix of fear and excitement through his body. He was writhing the best he could away from the hand on his hip, always, always covered in gloves. When the teen thought back, he couldn’t remember once where he felt Strife’s actual hands on him.

/All that lies in me,
All that dies in me./

The blunt tip of Cloud’s cock pressed against his entrance, teasing him, and silently telling him to ready himself. Kadaj’s nails scrabbled for purchase against the gravel, attempting to calm the lower half of his body and make the always-painful entrance just a bit less painful.

/How can I live without you?/

Pain. Pain like none he’d ever remembered feeling, because the memories of pain always dull over time. Pain that he’d feel again and again. It ripped him in half as it ripped a scream from his lips. Fingertips bled as the drug against the gravel, the wet, sticky, congealing mass of blood beneath his shoulder, the dripping flow of blood down his inner thigh. The blood was everywhere, tainting everything, consuming the senses with it’s rich coppery smell, so thick you could taste it on your tongue just by breathing in.

/I am your mirror image,
I'm all you left behind./

And then the pain increased. Strife’s hips were moving, ripping him apart, enjoying the feel of pain-constricting muscles spasming over his cock. Kadaj’s face was turned to the side so he could breath in without inhaling dirt, allowing Cloud the pleasure of viewing his pain-twisted features. Leather-covered fingers dug into the boy’s hips, dragging them back into every rough thrust he gave, wringing choked screams from Kadaj’s lips.

/You made me what I am,
Then who the hell am I?/

The blonde never lasted long in the tight, clasping hold of Kadaj’s body; the scent of blood, the painful expressions, the beautiful screams all aiding in forcing him closer to the edge. Cloud leaned over, bracing one hand over one of Kadaj’s, his body curving to fit and rest against the teen’s back; his head tilted towards the double bladed sword, tongue flitting out to brush over the blood-stained blade, taking in Kadaj’s blood. The taste gave him a rush, eyes rolling back and closing as the power of Jenova and mako mix ran over his tongue like a fine wine, leaving him drunk on the crimson liquid.

/But, We make the same mistakes.
Cause, We are one in the same./

The painless reprieve of Strife’s unmoving hips allowed Kadaj’s body the much-needed time to adjust to the length, Jenova cells already healing his torn body as the wound on his shoulder gripped the sword tight, waiting for the removal of the blades to finish the job. But the reprieve lasted only a few seconds, Strife’s hips seeming to double in force as he entered and re-entered the body that was fighting to heal itself.

/But, We leave behind the stain.
I cannot separate./

Kadaj’s torn throat was gurgling on it’s screams now, unable to form the most pitiful sound. The rhythm of the blonde’s hips became jerky in warning of the different pain Kadaj was going to experience. Tears dripped onto the cement, one last scream muffled against the gravel as Strife’s hips slowed and he coated the torn passage with his seed, sending the teen into all new spasms of pain.

/All that lies in me,
All that dies in me./

Both stayed still for moments, Kadaj’s body still spasming in pain, while Strife’s was floating down from it’s high. The blonde gruffly withdrew, glaring down at the mess of blood and semen coating his cock; without fixing his pants, Cloud moved around his pinned butterfly, wrenching the sword from Kadaj’s shoulder, who gave a watery, pained-gasp.

/How can I live without you?/

A cruel smirk upturned Cloud’s lips as he studied Kadaj, watching as the boy forced himself up onto all fours, raising his head to allow Strife to survey the damage he inflicted. Gravel and dirt was sticking to the scratch marks on the teen’s cheek, blood dripping down his chin and onto the ground that was tear-stained. Tracks of dirt ran down the cheeks, Kadaj giving winces every time his tears touched one of the open scratches on his skin. Blood was drying in the spot were Kadaj’s shoulder had been pinned to the ground, and was newly dripping from his entrance.

/Why, Yo no entiendo porque,
I know that our lives are the same./

The blonde knelt onto his jean-covered knees, cock having stirred partially to life at the sight of the battered teen. Kadaj’s nose wrinkled as he came face to face with the organ, blood and cum having slightly dried upon the hardening flesh. Fingers rose to the silvery strands and Kadaj’s eyes widened as he was forced closer to the cock, “Suck.” Strife ordered gruffly, and, had Kadaj been less in pain, and had actually had a voice to speak, he would have fought back. Instead he leaded forwards unwillingly and drew the blonde’s cock into his mouth, gagging against the taste of dried semen and blood.

/Y mi vida,
Is just a guessing game./

Tongue laved quickly, fighting to swallow the bitter, gag-inducing mix, wanting this just to be over, but it wouldn’t be until the blonde was done. The half-erection Strife had been sporting for the past few moments had fully awoken at the warmth and wetness of Kadaj’s mouth, hips giving little thrusts into the cavern and egging on more of those pleasure-causing gag reflexes. Kadaj’s nails came up to grip jean covered thighs, but that didn’t stop Strife from pushing on the back of the teen’s head, forcing him to take his cock down to the base and holding him there to enjoy the contractions of the boy’s throat.

/ A dirty stain
That I cannot play./

Eventually Cloud let the teen lift his head for much needed air, enjoying the thought of how raw and sore Kadaj’s throat would be for days to come. Once more he pushed the spirit’s head down as soon as he had stopped panting for breath, but, instead of holding him still, he urged the head to bob over his length, dragging a moan from his lips. Kadaj was surprised by the blonde’s stamina, then again, sexual frustration seemed to be the blonde’s forte, and he didn’t exactly have the chance to think with a mouthful of musky flesh that was already beginning to twitch within the confines of the teen’s mouth.

/But I follow your steps,
In the same way that you just walked away./

Tears resumed their trek down Kadaj’s face as he was forced back down over the organ, swallowing mechanically as his mouth was flooded with semen. Choking the teen wrenched back, whether it cost him a few locks of silver hair or not, and gagged to the side, avoiding looking up at the smirk that was still on Cloud’s features as he finally fixed his pants and stood.

/And pushed the way through.
I...will...not...live!/

Kadaj rolled onto his side, away from the puddles of tears and blood, eyes drifting closed in exhaustion as he lay there. Whether it was minutes or hours later, the teen was awoken by a hand on his cheek and a soft sleeping bag beneath him. Cloud was hovering over him, sans smirk, looking the slightest bit worried. The cool edge of a vial was lifted to the teen’s lips and they automatically parted to allow the potion into his mouth to cool his burning throat and aid in the healing of his body, though it would take days for him to get the stiffness out of his lower back.

/Do you think of me?
Do you dream of me?
I always dream about you./

After choking back the potion and waiting for the cool healing effects to cleanse his throat, Kadaj spoke, “How are you feeling..?” He asked the blonde, watching as the man went about patching up the closing wound on his shoulder, the scratches on his face already having healed into faint pink lines, “Me? I’m just fine…now.” The blonde muttered, turning away and leaving Kadaj to stare silently.

/Do you think of me?
Do you dream of me?
I always dream about you./

Ever since the final battle, since the three spirits and AVALANCHE declared a truce between them. Ever since Mother was destroyed, with the help of the spirits, Cloud had been coming to Kadaj for help. Who would have ever thought that Cloud was less of a failure than first believed? He carried a cruel streak that had been ignored for so long that when he let it free, it threatened the lives of anyone in his path. It was that that sent Cloud to the youngest brother, the only one who had kept close to the blonde since the truce, while the other two stayed unsure and untrusting.

/All that lies in me,
All that dies in me./

The moment Cloud had come to him to relieve some of the tension that keeping himself under control caused, it had only been to spar, but as Kadaj wore down, Jenova’s cells less of an influence on his strength now that Mother was destroyed, the blonde had attacked viciously. Kadaj had been raped that night, half-dead from blood loss and exhaustion. The teen had awoken much as he had today, on the softness of a sleeping bag with the worried face of the blonde hovering over him.

/How can I live without you?/

The vial had been pressed to his lips much in the same way, and Kadaj could almost perfectly remember what the blonde had said…

~ “I didn’t want to hurt you.” The blonde’s voice was broken, he looked guilty and more worse for wear that Kadaj did, “It’s supposed to hurt, Nii-san..” And he’d touched him then, gently stroking his cheek, wanting the elder man to realize that he didn’t hate him, he was angry, but pain was something he knew and was more comfortable with than anything else in his life. “But..” The words were silence by a gentle kiss and Kadaj gave an exhausted smile, “You can’t have pleasure without pain, Nii-san, love without hate, good without bad. Don’t you know that already?” In a way, Kadaj had never felt more loved than the moment had slaughtered his innocence. It wasn’t the most sanest outlook, but it was what had kept him alive under the cruel assaults to his psyche by Jenova and Sephiroth.~

/All that lies in me,
All that dies in me./

“I’m fine, you know.” Kadaj spoke up, startling Strife after the few moments of silence, “I know, you always are.” The blonde whispered in return, turning his head to peer over at his younger ‘brother’. “And I’ll always be fine with this.” Kadaj stated gently, as if talking to a cornered animal, hand moving slowly to touch the blonde’s cheek. Bright blue eyes lifted and met emerald and the blonde gave the smallest of smiles, “Thank you.” He murmured, then leaned in to brush his lips across the teen’s chastely, “You should rest now, okay?” Kadaj knew better than to argue and settled back, eyes drifting closed as he watched Cloud return the empty vials and extra bandages to a satchel attached to Fenrir. The last coherent thought the boy had before slipping into an exhausted sleep was how much Strife was like Sephiroth, “…you were never a failure…you may have been…the only one that could have been…him.” The teen murmured in a breath so light that Strife couldn’t hear it over the gentle tinkle of vial on vial.

/How can I live without you?/

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I’ve seen SO many stories out there that make Kadaj the bad guy, the dominate one, even if he is usually the uke. So I tried something different.

Who said the good guys have to be good all the time, anyways?