Sweet Cowardice

BY : GenkisFox
Category: Final Fantasy VIII > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 486
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VIII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter One

Written By: Fox

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING. Not the songs I use (IF I use any), not the characters. If I did the world would be screaming from terror and boredom.

Rating: NC-17 for adult themes and actions, this means sex, drinking and drug usage. Also there will be descriptions of malexmale sex. Yaoi. Yaoiyaoiyaoi. Don’t get it? Then run away now with your hands over your eyes and never return.

Pairings: SquallxIrvine, One-sided multiples.


First things first: I DO NOT support the use of illegal drugs, I do not agree with it in the slightest, nor do I wish anyone would take them. They just happen to further the plot some and add a real life angst situation to the plot. If you’re queasy about drugs, you don’t want to read this story.

This is the revised (and in some parts rewritten) version of the original. I was asleep earlier today (1-30-2005) when I woke up possessed to redo this. I'm sorry I took it down before, but I'm glad that I'm redoing this.

If you like Rinoa.... Run away. I like her, but this fic isn’t nice to her.

*...* is flashback territory. I will be trying to juggle this story and a YnM one I'm doing and try to put out a chapter each per week.

The disclaimer and warning stands for the entire story. I may keep putting up notes if I have to, but otherwise, it’s gonna be pure story. Yay!

Summary: A take off from the end of the game. What's the limit of friendship, and where in the book does it say everyone wants to be saved?


Ultimecia is dead.

Adel no longer exists.

Edea is free to be a matron again to a new group of orphans.

And Rinoa...

A lone brunette was sitting at one of the many dimly lit tables at the Galbadia Hotel in Deling City, his mind anywhere but where he was. His hand idly slipped down the side of his glass, the condensation gathering and running in tiny rivers under his fingertips and dripping as it gathered against the glass. Inside the glass a deep amber colored liquid was slowly mixing with the water of melted ice and becoming slightly lighter in coloration toward the top. On the ring finger of the man's right hand was a shiny silver ring, part of it molded into the shape of a lion's head. Grayish blue eyes flickered over the hand that held the glass distastefully and he withdrew it, wiping the moisture from his fingertips on the leg of his black jeans.

"Sorry about that Griever." he said softly to the ring. "Didn't mean to get you all wet."

"Sure you didn't." A playful voice said behind him. He looked back to see a blond haired man with tattoos on the left side of his face smiling at him. He attempted a tiny smile back but the action didn't reach his eyes.

"Zell." he said softly as he looked back at his glass, frowning. The last thing he needed was company and something he needed even less was a lecture. Apparently he was about to get both.

The blond walked over and hopped the back of the couch to plop next to him.

"Been a while Squall. You trying to forget your friends?" Zell asked jokingly.

"You'd never let me."

"Damn right I wouldn't." Zell said with a laugh. He then grabbed Squall's drink and sniffed, pulling the drink away almost instantly. He crinkled his nose and shook his head. "Strong stuff you got there Squall. What happened?" he asked gently.

"...Nothing." Squall replied.

Zell raised an eyebrow. "You're going back to being an ass, aren't you?"

Squall gave him a long hard look. "What are you talking about?"

"You know... the '...whatever' and '...nothing' bullshit you used to do before..." Zell took a deep breath and tried to carefully bring up the difficult topic. "You know..."

"Before Rinoa? Or maybe you mean before Quistis died?" Squall supplied, looking ready to shatter the glass in his hand.

Zell nodded looked away guiltily and bit his lip before he took a deep breath to screw up his courage. "That was an accident and you know it. And reverting back to that whole angsty badass routine isn't going to make anything better."

"Well being like that saved me a lot of trouble before now Zell."

"But it also helped you to forget-"

"Forget I have 'friends'? That I'm not alone? That I'm human and weak and stupid?!" Squall asked, his voice rising slightly as his tone became bitter.

Zell went ont he defense immediately. "Squall, it's not always going to be so bad." he said gently, knowing to pull back when Squall started to show his anger.

Squall was becoming more and more well known to be easily irritated lately. He had even drawn Lionheart on Selphie almost five days ago after she tried to be sympathetic with him about being the commander.

"Yeah, well tell that to Rinoa when you see her again, huh?" Squall replied sarcastically, standing up and walking out of the hotel.

Zell sat back and sighed, shaking his head in defeat.

The streets of Deling were dark and cold, and the wind pressing his overgrown bangs out of his face chilled his skin quickly. A sudden gust ruffled his hair enough to expose the long scar that crossed over his forehead to his nose for a moment, making it feel odd when a stray strand of hair moved across it.

He looked around at the dark streets with hardly anyone in them and the thought crossed his mind that the scenery actually fit the mood he often found himself in of late. He followed the long pathway, not meeting the eyes of anyone whom was actually out this late on the street, and sighed when he instinctively ended up in front of Caraway's mansion.

He blinked up at the bright lights in the highest part of the house, knowing exactly who was there. He watched as two silhouettes moved in front of the nearest window to the street, one short and thin with feminine curves, the other taller and broad from working out, and definitely masculine.

Squall grit his teeth and spit on the perfectly manicured lawn before turning away and walking back toward the city.

"What is wrong with you?"

Squall turned to find himself looking into light chocolate eyes, their owner looking confused and...fearful maybe?

"Nothing is wrong Rinoa. I just feel... strained." he replied, reaching out to stroke the soft black hair, his fingers following the path of light brown streaks that lay in his lover's hair. She pulled away from the touch, looking as if she'd been burnt to ash by the intimacy from the gloved fingers.

"Strained by what? Strained by me? By the world? By being a hero? Everything is over! There is no more Ulitmecia, no Adel, no evil Edea! There is no more need for a hero Squall!" she hissed, pain etching her words like a blizzaga spell.

"There is always a need for a hero of some sort Rinoa. But the things that are straining me the most right now, are my feelings." Squall said softly. He wasn't used to admitting weakness, but Rinoa had forced him to promise to be less of a jerkwad hard ass and to let himself feel. It was supposedly good for their relationship.

Rinoa looked him over and shook her head. They'd had this same exact argument about twenty times in the past two months, and she for one was sick of it.

"Well if you can't stand feeling anymore, then maybe I should be with someone else." she replied quietly.

Squall looked her over and snorted. "You are not making me feel guilty or threatening me to get me to stay with you again Rinoa."

It was true. Everytime the two argued it ended the same way. She would always say she was leaving him or going to leave him, and that she had had enough. This always produced the result of him breaking, begging her to stay, promising to change on his knees in front of her.

Not any more. He too, had had enough.

Rinoa looked surprised that her attack hadn't produced the normal results, but just nodded.

"Fine then." That was when she turned away from Squall and walked out on him.

Squall shook his head and smiled despite himself, his body leaning into the wind as he walked. Not even a week had passed before he saw Rinoa walking and laughing down the streets of Timber leaning on the arm of his rival Seifer. He had been in Timber on official business and had just walked out of the mayor's house when he saw them. It took every ounce of muscle and the restraining hands of Irvine and Zell to keep his hand off of Lionheart.

But that was all over three months ago, and Squall had been slowly drowning himself in a downward spiral. He drank often, overslept almost everyday, and he had started to become negligent of his duties as Commander. Xu and Quistis had taken up the slack but now only Xu was left to keep things in shape.

Unknown to anyone, Squall had picked up a small habit of late. He knew it was wrong, that he would be out of the Garden the moment anyone even suspected, but that was half of the thrill of doing it.

What was worse was he thought that he could easily stop himself, but he just didn’t want to.

He walked quietly along the alleyway to the president’s residence and stopped in front of a young couple that were standing on one of the grassy areas along the side of the lot. The girl was hugging the boy around the middle and giggling as he looked over a fair amount of gil and counted it. Squall cleared his throat to get their attention and the two looked over at him suspiciously before smiling.

“The usual Commander?” the boy asked, his shaggy hair falling around his face. Squall nodded and produced a large amount of gil. The girl took it and counted it before reaching into a nearby backpack and pulling out a large manila envelope and handing it to Squall.

Squall muttered a quick thank you and tucked the envelope into his leather jacket before zipping up and walking away, completely oblivious to the violet eyes that followed him and the shuffling of a long leather trench coat as the owner of the eyes stood from his hiding place a mere few feet away and followed him at a slight distance.

Once Squall had made it out of Deling he booked it back to the Garden where he slipped past the sleeping guard and into the main hall. He then bolted to the dorms and his own room, still unaware of his shadow. As he reached for the button to close the door to his room he heard something that he had hoped not to hear.

“Hey there Squall! Been a while!” Irvine said lightly from directly behind him. “I just got back from Galbadia and decided to swing by your place to see ya.”

Squall turned around and tried to smile. “Irvine. How was Galbadia?” he asked, stepping to the side as Irvine approached, obviously intent on coming in.

Irvine walked to the hangar on the wall where he deposited his trench and hat before turning a smile back on Squall.

“What’s in your jacket Squally?”

Squall nearly jumped as he closed the door. He blinked at him, then glared. “Were you following me?” he hissed angrily.

Irvine shrugged. “I figured least you can do if you’re not going to throw out that filled picture is you could share what’s in it.”

Squall blinked and shook his head. "No Irvine. I can't risk you. You're so close to being a SeeD."

"So? You are the highest ranking SeeD in all of Balamb, but you're screwing it up, Commander. I figured what the hell? I should be able to do the same when I want to."

Squall ignored it. "You don't want to do this."

"I don't?" Irvine's face hardened considerably. "What about me Squall? What about Selphie leaving me for some backwoods asshole out of Trabia that she knew for so long?" His tone was full of pain and anger.

"Selphie..." he dropped the rest in shock. Of all of them he was sure Selphie and Irvine were going to be a forever item, especially after the way that Selphie had spoken of the young cowboy on the train ride to Deling city after meeting him. He sighed.

"Sorry. I didn't hear about it."

"How could you not? How long have you been out of the loop Squall?" Irvine asked, real concern tinging his words.

"I dunno. It's been a few months I guess." he said softly, sliding the envelope out of his jacket and opening it. He carefully pulled out a replica of "Viator", one of the twelve pictures from Ultimecia's realm.

Irvine looked watched him skeptically before shaking his head. "You’re really doing this sort of stuff?"

Squall looked at him then snorted. “Yeah. It takes the edge off.” He murmured as he pulled out a mirror that was stashed under the couch and set it on the coffee table.

Irvine frowned. “I think I’ll just watch you this time to make sure you’re okay.”

"Suit yourself.” Squall murmured before taking a razor blade and cutting just under the picture. He tilted the picture over the mirror to let a a surprising amount of pure cocain pour out onto the reflective surface. Squall looked it over as Irvine's eyes grew large.

"Pure?" he asked in shock.

"Of course." Squall said as he drew the razor blade over the mirror, dividing it into a few thin lines on the surface. He reached under his couch again and retrieved a baggie to stash the uncut portion of the drug and pulled out a small snorting straw from the envelope.

Irvine shook his head as he watched the once respected in his eyes commander of Balamb Garden snort the first line quickly, then follow it with the second line. Squall then sat back and smiled lazily.

"Not too bad... You should try..." he murmured to Irvine a moment later.

Irvine just looked him over like he’d grown a second head.

"This stuff makes you friendly. It's creepy." he commented as he watched Squall blink at his surroundings and laugh at nothing.

Irvine sighed and went about cleaning up, ending up making the room a lot more room-like before helping Squall get to bed. He looked fairly perturbed at the Commander as Squall laughed and started stripping to his boxers. Irvine had to look away when he did that.

Unfortunately by looking away he didn't see as Squall reached for him, pulling Irvine on top of himself as he fell back onto the bed. Irvine sputtered and pulled away quickly, getting back to his feet.

"Ok, no more of that shit for you from now on!" Irvine said angrily. Squall blinked up at him, a hurt look on his face.

"But... It makes me happy..." he pouted.

Irvine visibly twitched.

Squall wiggled deeper into his bed before falling soundly asleep. Irvine sighed as he pulled Squall’s covers up around him.

He groaned inwardly as he thought about what Squall had done before laying on the couch tiredly and curling into a ball. It took a few hours and a few confusing thoughts, but soon enough Irvine was as dead asleep to the world as Squall.


*looks over chapter* Wow. Long. Anyway please review if you like it so far.

I'll have the next chapter up in a week!

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