BY : angelofinnocence
Category: Final Fantasy VIII > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 649
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII. The song used belongs to its respective artist. I make no profit from the writing of this work of fanfiction.


Disclaimer: I do not own Any of the characters from Final Fantasy, they belong to SquareSoft. The song belongs to Placebo/Kate Bush. I make no profit from the writing of this work of fiction.

Pairing: SeiferXSquall

Warnings:LEMON, YAOI, some possible OOCNESS, violence, language, angst, spoilers... Don't like, don't read.


~It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, you and me.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh... ~

'Have you noticed the change, the tiny, insignificant, but all together devastating change that will forever separate us? You know that we will never go back after this; we'll never be the same as we were once. I'm surprised you haven't asked yet, then again perhaps you're hoping to figure it out all by yourself. You always were a stubborn one. A smile spreads at the thought of you and all your insecurity, never one to give in and admit you need the help. How vulnerable you must feel now without me to keep you on your feet. And I am here, but not, hardly more than a ghost these days. My mind is somewhere else, and my body will soon follow after it, but know, know that my heart will never abandon you.

And when you are alone and standing on your own, you'll understand why it had to be. Why I had to leave you, why it was necessary. And it will hurt you, but you'll be stronger when your tears subside. Believe me, I know, like I always know. And you'd call me arrogant. I can hear the words in soft tenor tones echoing in my imagination. It's amazing how easy it was to memorize the sound of your voice. I can hardly think of what it will sound like when you're hoarse with screams for me to return. I don't want to know, not really. And if you promise to forgive me, maybe I'll visit someday when the world is at peace again, when my name and face have been marred beyond recognition. I don't mind, it doesn't hurt if it's for you. If the destruction of what is me brings about your fame, the destiny that has to be, I can withstand anything, even the hatred that will be inevitable in your eyes.

I'll be able to look right into those stormy depths and know that I am saving you from the same fate as me. I am choosing. I am doing it so you can be free, you can live and smile again just like you used to when we were young and naive, before I had to betray you, before we knew how we could be together. And it's unfair just like you think. We can't be together like we need, but cry it all out and you'll feel lighter and better. I promise that things are for the best. Remember that it had to be done. And don't be afraid to let them in. They'll be good for you. You think your heart isn't big enough for everyone, but it'll stretch if you push it. Fill it up and don't forget that this is all for you, no matter what they say, why they think I've done it. No matter what happens, what rumors are spread, what awfulness is spouted and what bitterness grows, you'll know that I did what had to be done to save the one I love. And yes, that's you, you idiot.

This isn't as easy as I'd hoped it would be. I wish you wouldn't look at me the way you do. You'll be so disappointed and I think that look is worse than any other you could look upon me with. I wish I could make you understand that it is necessary. I wish I could tell you all about it, but all I can do is leave a note for you to find. And when you get too lonely, remember how we were together, but don't mourn it, rejoice in the memory instead. And so this is the end of us and don't be afraid to find someone new, someone to make you whole the way that I used to. Don't let the memories of me stop you Squall. We can never go back to how we were; we can never be the same after this, so don't hold back with the hope of having it again, at least not with me. You'll find someone new, better and stronger to keep you. And don't be so stubborn. I know what you'll be thinking, you'll wait for me, you'll bring me back. You already know that you can't. You already know that this is necessary like I've told you so many times now.

And this is where it begins and where it ends. You don't understand; I can see it in your eyes, swirling with blue and silver. There are questions, so many as the blood runs down your face and along the edge of my blade. I can't even find the courage to smirk, but I manage a twist of something akin to a sneer. And there is rage in those depths now. I am ready when the cut happens, when the hot metal of your own blade slices through my flesh as if no more than tissue paper. And I am, tissue paper I mean, nearly see-through and so easy to rip. But don't worry about me, just let me blow away with the wind and don't chase after me. I don't want to make you regret.

Everything is set now. She's been whispering in my head and sometimes I get scared that she knows what I am doing, that she knows that this is for you. But then she's gone again and I can breathe easily and think of you without fear. This is our final mission together Squall and I'm sorry that I wasn't better, the I never studied hard enough and that I have to burden you, but you'll make it through. You were always stronger than me anyways, that's why she wanted you and not me, but I convinced her. And don't look at me like that, you know as well as I do that if she had you, we'd never win against her. But this way, you'll bring about the peace that is so desperately desired because you know that you can beat me. You were always stronger. Don't forget. And remember me the way I was, not how she makes me.

I will always love you and I'll always remember the way your eyes shone when I first said those words. And now it feels like I never said it enough, but damned men always have regrets, so this is mine. And now this is goodbye for real, not just “later.” You and I both know that things can never be the same again. And one more thing, don't forget to breathe. Kleenex is on the night stand, wipe your eyes, take a deep breath and carry on. We'll meet again. I can't promise it'll be me. It might be her, but you understand the necessity, so when we do meet, remember that I love you, even if I am trying to kill you for her. Don't shake your head. You know that it will come down to you and me, that one of us will have to fall and we both know that it won't be you. Don't close your eyes just yet; I have just a little more to say. I know it's hard for you to imagine killing me, but it must be done in order for you to live. So, I guess you could call this a suicide letter or whatever. That brings a smile to my lips and you shouldn't glare. It will give you wrinkles.

I have to go now and by the time you've found this, I'll have already left you believing me a traitor. I love you, just once more for the road. I'll see you when I see you. Don't blame yourself. It was never your fault.

And Squall, don't forget to sleep and eat. Don't narrow your eyes at me. I know you, remember?'

~You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts, baby

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, you and me.
You and me won't be unhappy. ~

The paper crinkles in my hands, tears on my cheeks even with the smile on my rosy lips. I can't believe you're gone. It's odd to know that I won't see you tomorrow, or even the next day or the day after. Maybe, maybe after that though. I'm sure we'll come face to face now that she has you. I hate that you were always so selfless, pretending to be a heartless bastard when you were anything but. I trace the rigid smooth scar running between my eyes, remembering it's mate. You said you didn't want to hurt me, but you already have. How can I move on from something like this? How can I be expected to just ignore all the things they'll say about you, the terrible, awful lies that they'll spread?

And I am so angry at you for leaving this to me. It's just like you to run off and leave me with all the work, just like with assignments. And it was me that made this happen. It was me that worked too hard, me who became too strong. I wanted you to be stronger and you are in so many ways. I mean, you wouldn't have done this if you weren't. But Hyne it hurts me, knowing that I have brought something like this on you. And I can't accept that this is the end. I can't find someone new, someone to replace you. It's absurd. It was always you and me. I can't change that now, no more than I can change the color of the sky. Don't ask me too, you prick.

Damn it all for being so complicated. How will I fight you knowing something like this, knowing that I drove you to this? How will I kill you? How can I? The guilt is overwhelming. And I know you said not to blame myself, but it is my fault, isn't it? You took my place for her. You made yourself available to swap our places, so that I would be free. How could you put this on me? And the tears won't stop now. Damn you for making me weak!

My heart is beating so loudly, it's all I can hear. It's all I can think about because if I think about this too much, I know that I will come after you. We've never been apart, not like this. You were always around, always by my side, taunting, teasing, kissing, touching, pushing. Hyne damn you for making me love you! My chest is caving in; I can feel it constricting and squeezing inwards, crushing my lungs and my heart is beating so fast, thundering in my heaving chest. And I just want it to stop. It's deafening and I can't swallow properly with it in my throat. What will I tell them? They wouldn't believe the truth, not after we spent so much time hiding what we were from them. They never suspected we were lovers. Rivals and enemies until the end, and now it is reality. Damn you for forcing my hand!

And you are right; things will never be the same as they were. We can never go back. The past is the past no matter which way you turn it. And I can feel the rage churning, brewing, burning closer and closer to hate. I don't want to hate you, but I do. You've made it so easy too. You planned it, didn't you? How could you do this to me? You were the only constant in my life for far too long and now you're gone and I am lost. What the hell am I supposed to do now? You neglected to mention how I should go about moving on from you. You weren't that clever I guess. And Hyne, but I hate you right now.

I don't understand how you can value yourself so little. We're both worth something, aren't we, even if it is only to each other? It still counts, doesn't it? We both matter, right? So how can you replace my life with yours? How can you make a decision like that? Is it so easy to throw your life away for me? And could I ever do the same? I don't know. I just don't know. I want to say yes, I would. How did you know that this was what you wanted, what I would want? That's wrong; I never wanted this. Damn you Seifer, you selfish prick! How could you leave me all alone? You were all I had.

And we wouldn't have been unhappy, the two of us together. It's so soft of me to say, but we could have had forever. I believe it as much as I know you do. But it's worthless now, hardly more that a jaded dream, a figment conjured by a desperate imagination. It was only a wish that I had harbored secretly. And would things be different now if I hadn't kept it hidden? Would you have stayed? You wouldn't have, I know.

And why a letter? I didn't think the suicide comment was funny. I didn't laugh or smile if that's what you were hoping to achieve. I cried. I always hated that you could make me cry. No one else could; no one but you. You're a bastard and I hope you know it. I don't think I told you enough. I rubbed at reddened eyes, tears finally dried up. Why didn't you tell me to my face? Did you think that I would stop you? I would have. Damn you for all of this!

You never took the easy way or maybe you thought you were. This is far from easy, so thanks a lot for that, you asshole. And here we are, face to face again, but it's not you. It's not you. I have to remember that it's her using your face, your voice. I want to hold you, to feel you, to smell your skin, but it's not you. And they are there with me to help, to keep me from you, to aid me in killing her... and you if that's what it takes. Don't get in our way. Please, don't make me hurt you.

I can't watch. I can't look as our blades clash, ringing metal and sparks of blinding lights, tiny stars that fall and die out, just like you and me. Just like us. I hate you. I love you. I'll kill you. Please don't leave me again. I was never one to beg, too stubborn for it, but for you, I would. If it would bring you back to me, I would get down on my knees and cry and plead. I'd tell you anything. You have no idea how much I need you. I think you were wrong about me. I am not strong enough. I can't be without you. I can't kill you. I can't.

And there you have it; you've seen my weakness and exploited it. For a split second I fear dying, but then I remember that it's you killing me and everything is okay again. As long as it's you, I can die. Why did you stop? And my eyes meet yours and it's you for just a moment, but it's enough. I run, I run until my legs give out and my lungs sear with the need for oxygen. I lean against a wall, brick, crumbling and filthy, but I hardly care as tears begin to fall. Why does it have to be so hard?

And someone's here with me. Selphie; can you believe it? She is quiet as she lets me cry on her. She doesn't say a word. I can't even hear her breaths. My heart is beating wild mad and all I can see is the look in the emerald of your eyes. You let me go. You couldn't kill me. Is it because you are so set on having me kill you? Damn you for making me hurt!

Selphie's arms are warm around my back, small hands rubbing in wide circles to sooth my sobs. And when had I begun bawling? She's still silent, just letting me cry it out, just like you said I should. It's so unfair. Why us? When I breathe again, Selphie wipes my face with handkerchief from in the pocket of that impractical dress of hers and she gives me a bright smile, a knowing look in her luminous eyes. How does she know? It doesn't matter how, just that she does and she doesn't say a thing. I am so grateful, but I don't tell her. I think she knew anyways. She even went to distract the others as they approached, letting me get my bearings. You would have laughed if you had seen me. Who'd have thought that Selphie would be the one to comfort me?

~And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh... ~

And I didn't see it coming when she cast the spell. I didn't see the green ice until it was too late, already plunging into my chest. Poisoned cold spread through me and I fell. I don't remember the fall or where I ended up, but it must have been somewhere near you because when I did wake, you came to me. And I was healed, no hole through my torso, no blood. You looked good, so good. I immediately wanted to touch you. But it wasn't you. It was her. I knew as soon as you laid your hands on me. It wasn't you. You were always warm and now your hands were freezing, like the ice she used. And I hated that she used you, she took you and made you her's. Didn't she know that you had been mine long before her?

I tried my best not to scream when she used your hands to torture me, when she strapped me to the wall. I grit my teeth and closed my eyes as the pulsing electricity ran through me. The agony was beyond any I had ever felt before, but it was physical. It was nothing like th pain of missing you. And she was tainting you, trying to make me hate you for this. But it wasn't you. It wasn't you. I desperately sought to recall memories of the real you to my mind, just to keep from acknowledging the brutal shocks running through me and to remind myself that the you before me, hurting me and killing me wasn't you. It wasn't you.

Her words in your voice made me sick, bile rising in my throat, my chest heaving with panting breaths as my body convulsed in remembrance of the torture. And the hands that touched me; they weren't yours. They couldn't be yours. It was breaking my mind, seeing your face behind those hands, the ones that bruised my flesh and invaded me violently. It had never hurt so badly, not even the first time we'd done it. But it wasn't you. You'd never hurt me this way; you'd never tear me in half. It wasn't you. It wasn't you.

And the insults that sprung from the mouth that was supposed to belong to you were so vulgar I felt my ears burn. I'd never been called so many names. I'd never been told such crude and detailed scenarios of what she wanted to do to me with your body. And I was sick. I was so sick, vomit all over the front of my shirt and dripping onto my pants and your laughter made me shiver. It wasn't you. You'd never laughed like that before. It wasn't the way things were supposed to be. It wasn't you. And I hated her.

When she tore inside of me, it was the end. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't see; I couldn't hear. I could feel her inside me, you inside of me, so familiar and yet not. And the agony was unbearable. And I couldn't help it. I screamed. I screamed louder than I ever thought I could, my voice went harsh and high and I could hardly believe that the noise was coming from me. And she didn't stop. She didn't stop until tears were streaming down my face and my breath was ragged, and my voice was hoarse with my cries. And I hated you for letting her have you, for letting her use you against me like this.

She healed me and it began again. And I closed my eyes and barred myself from the world. I couldn't let her win. You'd given up everything so I could live and I would. I would live no matter what she did to me. No matter how she used you to destroy me. I wouldn't let her win. It wasn't you. It wasn't you. It was her and me.

It seemed hours later, maybe days even before you came. You looked so sorry. You couldn't even touch me, your hands trembled so bad. She hadn't healed me the last time. Blood and sweat, and the all too familiar scent of semen lingered on my burnt, bruised, and battered flesh. I could hardly see you, my vision blurred impossibly. I couldn't even keep my head up properly. You couldn't look at me right. You kept turning your eyes away. Was I such and awful sight?

You didn't have to answer. I already knew. You swallowed as you peeled me from the wall where she'd left me. I was damaged. My breath was short and strained, labored wheezing from my exhausted lungs. You laid me down more gently than you ever had, even more so than that first time. And I might have cried if I could. But no tears would come. She'd drank them all already. I had no more left to shed. You were so careful with me, healing me and cleaning what you could reach. My clothes were disgusting, crusted puke, saliva and other choice bodily fluids mixed with dirt and grime made my white shirt a dirty rust-smudged gray and my coat was torn. My pants were around my thighs, stuck there with my belts. Bruises were on my hips in the shape of your hands, the ones she had used to force me, to ruin me. I was defiled and I wondered if you still thought I was beautiful? Did you still think you were saving me?

You must have thought something, but I couldn't tell. Your expression was so blank, like you were trying hard to keep you emotions hidden away. Maybe you just didn't want me to see the disgust or the pity in your eyes. I couldn't speak, not until you had healed me fully. And when I could stand on my own and the pain in my abdomen and torso had subsided with your healing touch, I was in your arms. I couldn't stop myself. I needed it to be you. I needed to feel you. And I did. You felt me too.

Your arms were warm, so warm around me and I knew it was you. I smiled for the first time in months, or was it years now? How long had it been since you'd gone? How long since you had last had your arms around me? My lips were on yours before I knew what was occurring. I hadn't even realized what I was doing. I needed you. I kissed you like a starving man. You tasted like vanilla and magic, but I didn't mind. I didn't give it a thought because it was you. It was you.

~"C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems. ~

It was a bad idea from the start. I wasn't supposed to go to you. I wasn't supposed to see you like this. She knew that I was harboring something for you. She knew that something was off. I wasn't supposed to see what she had done to you, how she had left you. I was supposed to obey her. I wasn't supposed to help you, to heal you. I wasn't supposed to be gentle or hold you or kiss you or love you, but I did. I did. How could I turn you away?

And your lips on mine were too familiar and I was too desperate for you. I needed you so much. I could still feel her under my skin, but she was gone for the moment. She was gone for now. It was just you and me. And I needed you. You needed me too. I could see it in your eyes. I'd forgotten how truly exquisite those stormy depths were. And I was drowning. I didn't mind. Not at all.

We stole this moment for ourselves. You and me. We loved and moved and kissed and touched more than we should have. But I couldn't stop, not once I had started. I wanted you so bad. And it was so hot inside of you, so right, so familiar. It was rushed and much too dirty for my liking, but it was unavoidable. And Hyne, but I wished things were different. I wished it was different. I wished it was like before. But we could never go back to that. Never. So we stole the moment. And your moans were sweet in my ears, your gasps graceful and arousing. You blood-stained hands in my hair were weaker than they should have been, but I didn't complain. You were just as desperate for me as I was for you and we made it happen. We were one.

It was a bad idea to begin with. We didn't stop until it was over, you all over me and I deep within you. And then it was done and we panted against one another. I gave you another potion just in case and then I left you. We never spoke during the whole thing. We never said a word to each other. We couldn't. It would have broken our moment. It would have ruined what little peace we'd found in the insanity. And it was over as quickly as it began. I went back to her.

I let you leave. I let you free. The door was left unlocked carelessly for your escape and they came to get you anyway like I knew they would. And I let you free. The way you were meant to be.

~And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems. ~

Time was never on our side. It never had been. You had gone. I saw you in the Time Compression, the dimension she had sucked us into. I couldn't save you. I couldn't save myself. I saw them all there too, but you the most. You the most and I reached for you. But our hands never touched, our fingers never brushed and I knew that it was as you'd said. It was over. We could never be as we once were. We could never be. And it was all her fault and yours for leaving so freely.

I was lost for so long, I thought I might give up. I walked and walked, sometimes I ran, but nothing made sense; there was no real direction. Finally, I found a way. I let her pull me out. Her smile helped and the warmth of her hand. And when I came around, I asked for you. Hadn't she helped you too? She hadn't.

You were lost for so long. They'd given up the search long before you came around, long before you were found. And I didn't know. I didn't know. If I had, I would have come. I would have brought you back. I never stopped looking. I never stopped waiting for you to come back again. You said you'd return when you could. You'd said you would. Everything had changed. Everything was the same. But you weren't around. I needed you. You weren't around. I'd made a promise I couldn't keep. I couldn't find another, not when there was a possibility of you and me. And there was a possibility. There was a chance now for us to be. I just wanted you to come home. Where were you? Why hadn't you come around?

You were forgiven Seifer.

You were forgiven.

~If I only could
Be running up that hill ~

* Owari *


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