Lose Yourself

BY : Tenshiaka
Category: Final Fantasy VIII > General
Dragon prints: 476
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy and make no profit from this writing

Authors Notes* This is a rather old piece of mine that I just recently found and decided to post. I first heard this song on the radio and it really did something to me. I don’t like Eminem or his music for that matter but certain lines in this caught my attention and got me to thinking. I really liked Seifer’s personality out of the game. In a lot of ways I really sympathize with him and what he got drawn into. He was just trying to live out his dream and everything crumbled around him. Here is his story and what might have been going on through his mind during some of the events of the game. This story will be mostly from Seifer’s point of view kind of like journal entries or something. Not that I can really see Seifer as actually writing a journal but it works for this purpose. Also I cut out some of the lyrics that I couldn't quite fit in with the context. There is no strait time line in this either so sorry if it's confusing.

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

Well would you? Ask yourself this question seriously. I had one chance to realize my dreams, to become everything I ever wanted to be. I took that chance, I dove for it head first and somehow came out flat on my ass. I felt I did what was necessary. I took the steps which most people are too weak or cowardly to take. People say I took the easy way out. What do they know? I was offered something which in my mind was too precious to pass up. It was only after the fact that I realized I was being screwed over. Still, people will think what they want. I mostly wander around in shadow now. People ignore me and purposefully stay away from me. Yes I am saying this in my defense…it is simply because no one else will and I expect nothing from them. So if you are reading this perhaps you might come to understand and accept.

Yo, His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
the whole crowd goes so loud…

Deling City…the night the Sorceress had her little coming out party. I expected them to be there. There was no doubt in my mind really. By that point though I was so doped up on Edea’s magic I didn’t really give a shit. All I wanted to do was bask in the glory of Edea’s up and coming reign and pronounce to everyone very loudly that I was the Sorceress’ knight. Of course getting even with Squall also lay heavy in my thoughts. Even though we were the closest of enemies we still shared a bond that was so strong at times it made my head hurt.
I had wanted to tell him about everything but by then Edea had almost full control over me. I wanted to tell him that I was living out my dream and happy unlike so many of the people we met every day…always searching for something, always dissatisfied. I wanted to be satisfied and to a certain point I was, but I was still nervous as all hell when that stupid float came out of the building and started to make it’s slow route through the city.
The crowd was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. All that was in the back of my mind was Edea’s calming voice telling me to just stand by her side and watch as the masses flocked to their demise. At some point during that terrible ride I found myself wondering whether or not I was in the right. I think I kept forgetting my initial goals and I lost my focus at that point. The rest was a blur of irrelevance and I had moments where I felt like a scared little kid an others where I could take over the world. I decided then that I would do whatever it took.

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's chokin now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
He's so mad, but he won't give up that easy.

The last time I saw all of them before the time compression was in the Lunatic Pandora. Adel was in demands of Rinoa’s soul and I had no choice but to comply. I barely remember any of this so if I stumble or things seem blurred now you know why. I do remember seeing Rinoa though and how scared she was. I wanted to say something to her…to make her understand that this was how it had to be. No words came out though and I just pushed her forward relentlessly feeling her fragile arm in my grip. Somehow it was like watching a movie or a dream and my soul flinched every time I was rough with her.
The look on everyone’s faces once they got there are forever burned into my memory. No one could really say anything and it was deadly silent for a moment; like everyone was choked up on their words. Then everything dissolved after that. I became useless and that’s when I snapped back into my body. Finally realizing what I had done. Falling…just falling and I was so pissed. I screamed into that never ending night and felt as though I could never find myself again. I wanted the Sorceress’ blood on my hands. I never got that chance though. I was left in the dark till our little hero’s could finish their job saving all of time.
I tired though…oh did I try. There was nothing though…nothing I could grasp onto. For a moment I thought I might be dying. Everything went gray and bits and pieces of my life kind of flashed before me. Parts of my childhood I had long forgotten, parts I would have rather not remembered. The first time I ever kissed Rinoa. My heart ached so bad after that image and I think for the first time since I was a child I cried. I kept telling myself to not give up, that somehow things were going to work out. As much as I pretended to hate all of them I knew they could do it and I somehow felt that I could be there with them if I concentrated enough. Of course as you all know that… didn’t happen.

No, he won't have it ,
It don't matter
He knows that
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
You better lose yourself in the moment
You own it, you better never let it go

When the prospect came to me I never had a doubt in my mind. To be a Sorceress’ knight, that was my dream, man. Nothing mattered after that. I wouldn’t even let the thought enter my mind that something tragic could happen from it. I was just so god damned naive. If anyone tried talking sense into me I ignored them. I vaguely remember talking with Fujin and Rajin about it. One of our long night talks down at the Balamb Sea side Café. Yeah that’s where the three of us would go to talk sometimes. Talk about our dreams and shit like that. I remember Fujin telling me in her oh so blunt way that if I passed up the opportunity I would regret it. Why did I listen to her?
“Go…Seifer…capture it.” I can still hear those words ringing through my mind on cold lonely nights when the ocean is crashing against the Balamb beaches.
I think I lost myself in the very idea. The thought of letting it go was impossible and by the time I realized that what was happening wasn’t what I wanted I couldn’t let it go. Reveling in a dream that for so long had seemed too impossible to realize, to far away. I had lost so much by that point and I was getting to where I didn’t care. Rinoa was my dream for a long time. That may seem silly to say but when I met her my life got better. Then she drifted away and things went back to routine and I became even more closed off and hard to get along with. I let her go…the most important thing in my life and here I had another chance and I certainly wasn’t going to lose it this time.

His soul's escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is borin,
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home,

I was promised so many things. She made me feel like a king but on the inside there was this big hole that was spreading and I couldn’t see it. The world could be in the palm of my hand and I could do with it as I pleased. Grinning I thought about all the horrible things I could do to those I hated and wanted my revenge against. Squall tacked up on a device that shocked him every time he didn’t answer my questions properly. That one actually came true. It was the only one though and after I realized that it had gotten me no where and only hurt someone I…God I hate to say this…cared about, I couldn’t stand the thought.
But I was to walk down lonely roads never to see my friends again, really the only family I ever had. To forget as the blazing sun beat down on my back and forced me to walk farther and farther away. There was an oasis though in the form of a Sorceress…just waiting for me to become her lap dog. Waiting and watching as my thirsting soul opened up and poured out into her hands. I was so weak back then; so easily manipulated. I’m surprised that Squall even let me back into Garden at all. Maybe he felt pity for me? To this day I still despise him for it. Hate him for his sympathy.

But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it’s old partner, but the beat goes on
No more games, I'm a changed what you call rage
Tear this mothafuckin roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playin in the beginnin, the mood all changed

It started that warm sunny day in Balamb. The soap opera of our lives unfolding as the bright sun rose up over the mountains behind Garden. Little did I know that we would be going to Dollet soon and that Squall would be getting his SeeD permit. Then there was that little party afterwards that makes me just want to spit. That silly beat and all those fools out there dressed up like they owned the world. All I could see was just the two of them dancing together and it seemed like that song wouldn’t end. It was like a splash of cold water in the face.
I was enraged, I wanted to go out there and bust him in the face right there on the dance floor. Now that I think about it, it had always seemed like a game before. Squall and I would bicker back and forth. Well I would bicker and he’d just stand there like he had a dick in his ear and couldn’t hear me. It was kind of like we were playing around though, then when we sent each other to Doctor Kadawoki things changed.
I couldn’t believe he actually hit me. I must have really pissed him off cause the look of rage on his face was unforgettable. However I was somehow comfortable with all of this. I have no doubt that one day if left to our own devices we would have eventually killed each other whether accident or not. Still I can remember the look of shock on his face as that blade sliced through his skin. Somehow I can’t stop smiling at that yet, I feel incredibly guilty inside.

I been chewed up and spit out
Best believe somebody's payin the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified
And it's no movie, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder

When it was over I felt like I had been put through a meat grinder. Somehow I had ended up on the white shores of Balamb the bright noon day sun glaring down on my battered body. I could hear music from some where off in the distance; up beat and happy sounding. At one point I think I faded back out and the Sorceress’ theme began playing through my mind like a haunting melody. It’s chords pulling me…trying to pull me back to her side.
I woke again with a start and tried to sit up. Pain shot through my body, up my limbs and exploded in my chest. It felt like my lungs were on fire and I gasped for breath like a fish out of water. I felt so stupid just sitting there like that. Wondering how long I had been out there I picked myself up slowly and dusted the sand from my long, slightly tattered trench coat.
Seeing Balamb just over the Hill I decided that I would walk there and see what was going on. I know at that point I wasn’t thinking too clearly either. The thought never occurred to me that I might be shunned or turned away for being in league with the Sorceress. All I wanted was rest and to find out what had happened to the others. Was this just some delusion of Ultimicia’s or did SeeD actually make it? So many questions swam through my mind as I walked in through the front gate and onto the crowed streets.
There was much cheering and many people had come out of their homes to gather on the streets and celebrate. It had ended…finally it had ended. Ultimicia had been destroyed. I breathed out a sigh of relief and started to look around for anyone I would recognize. That’s when they started staring and I realized that I could not be apart of this. I then understood that this couldn’t have a happy ending for me. Turning quickly I walked down to the dock and away from the centered mass of the crowd.

Stay in one spot, another jam or not
Success is my only mothafuckin option, failure's not
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go this is my shot.
Feet fail me not or not this may be the only opportunity that I got

It’s been one month to the day since the incident with the Sorceress Ultimicia and things have clamed down quite a bit. I’ve been talking with Squall telling him that I’m going to leave again. He tells me that I may do what ever I feel is necessary but I can see a hidden pain in his eyes. I do not understand it and I suppose I never will. I can’t stay here though feeling all cramped and antsy. Also I feel I’m not really welcome here, if I can go out somewhere and prove myself then maybe someday I’ll be able to come back. I can not fail again and I can not stay here to waste out my days. I’m leaving this morning and as I set out towards Balamb harbor I look back once more the wind blowing in my face as if to push me forward. I turn and continue my journey and as I step onto that boat I know I will look back no more.

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