rate_review Reviews

First, I want to respond to your response. :D I'm glad you're willing to listen to constructive criticism. Many people tend to blast me out for trying to help, and I feel encouraged that you're willing to listen.

For their ages, that's good that you don't want to restrict yourself on ages, and that you wanna kep the flow of the story the same as when you first started it. I don't mind having a vague idea of their ages, a definite age would be prefered, but it's your story. So long as I have an image in my head. ^^ And I can agree about the way things spiral when you can't control what you're writing.

It wasn't just Trixy, Trixy was my example, and seeing how she is a regular character (same with Craig btw) I would think that there would be a more definite description. And it's never too late to describe a character; you can always go back and edit the chapters with their initial appearance. It's annoying to have to go back in order to find out, but it's a great option for people like me who really want to have an accurate idea of the character. My idea of what a character looks like could be completely different from what you have envisioned. Being a writer is like painting a picture with words, and enabling the readers to see the things that you see. For the most part you do a very good job of that, it's just with a few of these characters you introduce that I was asking about. I don't appreciate being told to 'get over it' though, since it was only a helpful suggestion. There's no need to get defensive. Still, I thank you very much for the character description of Trixy, I appreciate it very much.

Towards my earlier review concerning the side stories, I was just putting it out there for consideration. There were many angles you introduced that felt ignored (to me) so I figured I would express my concerns and I'm glad you explained it a bit. I did mention that I wasn't sure whether or not you were leaving things unfinished for the sequel, but I'm glad you confirmed that you were. That's all I needed to know. And I was only pointing out how mysterious Seifer seemed and that I was happy we were finally able to get a look into his life. It wasn't an attack directed towards your writing, it was simply my saying that I couldn't wait to see how things continued to unravel and I apologize for the miscommunication.

I'm not quite sure what you're referring to on a writer jumping from one pov to the next. I can't recall whether or not I mentioned something along those lines. I can understand wanting to keep a chapter in a specific point of view, but there are methods of keeping the mood alive by switching povs every now and again. I'm not telling you to change your style altogether, but I am saying it is an option.

Again with Nida, I was simply proposing my feelings on a side story that seemed to fall on its face. However, with this explanation it does clear it up a bit, though I would hope to see Nida again, if only to throw a wrench in the plot. And thank you for clarifying the age difference between Squall and Nida, and I'm glad to hear that he wasn't as young as I originally thought. That eases my concerns a little bit.

Now with that aside, onto the review of this most recent chapter.

I particularly liked the outcome of this chapter, and the way you picked up immediately from where the previous chapter left off. There were a bunch of different ways you could have gone and I'm glad you decided to choose this way. Still, it makes me wonder where Seifer is in all of this. Regardless of where he is though, his older brother Seraph is downright creepy. He gives this aura of being this sinister guy and yet he does such gentle things as fixing Squall up after his beating. It makes me want to trust him and yet there's something inside that tells me he will sooner gut me than help me, and I'm fairly sure this is what Squall feels whenever he's around (and even when he's not). You did a really good job of transfering his feelings onto the readers and I commend you on that.

Serano obviously got some lessons from Seraph, though I have to say he's still in training and he's more outright sadistic rather than being stealthily sadistic. He's still got a lot to learn, and I'm more than just a little worried about any potential midnight visits to their unwilling houseguests. I'm almost not sure I wanna know but I'm also a whore for angst, so bring it on, whatever direction you go.

There's not really much else to say except that I hope you post the next chapter very soon, because I really would like to know what happens next.

Thanks for the read,
Anonymous

Wonderful chapter! Poor Squall...Between Seifer and Nida, the poor kid's been put through the wringer.

Gyaa, Seifer has a brother!!!
Wonder if Squall will survive...
Hehehe

NOOOOOOO!! Not a cliffhanger! D: That's just evil, man... PLEASE UPDATE SOON!!

I love this story so much! The way you've characterized Squall and Seifer is just the way I imagined how that they should be and I love that!I'm really glad you decided to do a sequel after this one because when I read that the story was closing in on the end it seriously made me depressed... I don't want it to end... :(

Anyway, keep up the good work and I'm really looking forward for the next chapters and more storys from you! <3

Oh no D:

Ah, that's a HORRIBLE way to end a chapter. :( I can understand why Seifer's brother didn't come up in conversation.

I suppose since we've learned so much about Squall, it's time to get into Seifer's background, eh? We hanve't even seen so much as Seifer's house yet, so he's been a character shrouded in mystery, hasn't he.

Looking forward to your next chapter, so update soon, okay?

AAAAGGGHHHH you can't end the chapter there!!
Poor Squally, he's probably wishing he was just dumped at this point!

No need to hunt you down... after all, if you're on the run... you can't very well update, can you?

Nice to see that you have updated!!! :)
Anyways, just please don´t rape Squall.... Pretty please.

Sorry, I was kind of in a rush to go to work, so I didn't leave a proper review. I just thought I'd do so now and add to the number. :D

First and foremost, let me just say that I'm typically a fan of canon, especially for this universe. Particularly when it comes to Squall, I see him with Rinoa all the time, however I made the exception when I read the original three-chapter story 'Cops Can't be Trusted'. I can't help it; it was smut, I was in the mood and I enjoyed it immensely (though I have to say I was a bit squeemish when it got to Irvine and Zell's involvement, but I digress). I guess you could sort of call me a closet fan of this pairing.

Now, I've been reading this story for a while (sorry this is the first - technically second - review I've posted, but again; closet fan) and I have to say you do a really good job writing the scenes, and the characters, specifically Squall and Seifer. I was especially impressed when I checked out your profile and found out that english is not your first language and, for the most part, you put up the chapters having written them yourself. It's really amazing; I couldn't even begin to fathom writing in another language, but only because I'm not even close to fluent.

Now onto the critiquing part. Please do not take offence as I am merely trying to offer assistance to make a great story even better. If this critique is not wanted, then at least I know I said something.

My first critique is a bit of nitpicking, mostly a continuity error. It's about Seifer's age. Here, you're eluding that Squall is much younger than Seifer, however in 'Cops Can't be Trusted', you have him closer to Squall's age. I don't know which it is, and was hoping that you could maybe clarify this.

Next is a description of the characters. I know this is mostly a smut fic, but I'm having some trouble picturing a few of your characters; they're minor characters but they've been refered to a number of times, so I'm just wanting some kind of description. Trixy, for example, is she blonde, red-headed, tall, short, skinny, slim, white, dark skined... that kind of thing.

My biggest critique would be the potential plot lines you've just glossed over. I'm not sure if you have plans for those in the future, or whether or not original plans fell short, but there have been potential plot bits that you've seemingly dismissed. Nida was one, though you did a good job of working it out (I can understand that people might have been getting tired of that particular triangle, but it still would have served as some tension; even now, we don't know what's happening with him, and I particularly hope to see more of that subplot in the future. Not saying you have to, but I'm just putting it out there), but there was the bit with the possibility of a safe-house, and Zell having to follow Squall to make sure a particular gang didn't get to him to get to Seifer. The chapter after it was talked about, everything seemed to be normal; there was nothing at all about the outcome of that, and I felt disappointed by it. I could be wrong though; I'm not too sure who the platinum haired guy and his pals are affiliated with, so I guess I'm sort of jumping the gun here.

Another thing I'm confused about though is Squall's age. I'm thinking he's probably 18 years old, what with him having not gone back to school for grade nine. Now, I know this is a totally different universe and all (I remember your response to the last person who brought up the schooling thing), but I'd like to have a figure in my mind. And considering that you mentioned that his relationship with Nida had been 5 years previous to this story, that would have made him about 13. I'm not even sure how old Nida is, so he could have been legal enough to live on his own, but I find it yucky that he would have been having that kind of a relationship with a 13 year old. I suppose it does happen but... yuck.

There, I'm done. I'm hoping I haven't put you off with this review, as I'm just trying to help by offering some constructive criticism. Either way though, I do look forward to your next chapter and, when you post it, your sequel.

Take care,
Anon