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Greetings and Salutations, Faithful Mind Slaves…err, Readers. We have a new concept we’d like to try out for you, taking the MST3K premise to the next (il)logical level: Full-length story reviews. IN SPAAAACE! Really though, Rufus shoots them into space and forces them to watch fanfiction. Episodes may be reviews of full stories that deserved mocking, or specific segments of genuinely good stories that simply appealed to our abilities to corrupt things needlessly. We’ll also have a drinking game to accompany each new story, so stock up before reading. So, without further ado: Final Fantasy VII: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme Song (yeah, yeah, we just ripped the music off the show): In a world made of polygons Full of calamity and woe There was a group called AVALANCHE And their evil bishounen foe They lived at Seventh Heaven bar Just another dive in the slums of Midgar They were blowing up reactors all over the place But Rufus didn’t like them so he shot them into space “I’ll send them cheesy fanfics The worst I can find (tra-la-la) They’ll have to sit and read them all And I’ll monitor their minds” (tra-la-la) [wait…no I won’t] They’ll mock the lousy spelling Cheap angst and cheaper sex And out-of-character behavior Sure to disgust and perplex AVALANCHE Roll Call (oh God, here we go) Cloud! (My past is a lie!) Tifa! (Don’t touch those!) Aerith! (I should be dead!) Vincent! (Where can I buy a phone?) Cid! (Where are my %@ing cigarettes?!) Barrett! (I pity the fool who writes these fanfics!) Yuffie! (Materia!) Red XIII! (Isn’t this considered animal cruelty?) Sephiroth! (Mother will destroy you all.) Cait Siiiiiith! ( I – All: Shut up, Cait Sith. If you’re wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts You clearly have too much time on your hands So just shut up and relax For Mystery Science Theater 3000! The madness begins with the next chapter! |
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