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And because we know you’ll never make it through this sober, here is this episode’s drinking game: Take a sip every time somebody smiles. Take two sips for every weird description. Take a shot every time the main character or anyone else explicitly says that she’s a spy. If you gave up beer for Lent, drink every time someone acts in character. If you crave the sweet surcease of death, drink every time a word is misspelled. Caution: Do not attempt with hard liquor. I do not own Final Fantasy VII characters, but my friends and I own our characters. New Student I just arrive at my new school and I am a bit unsure what is going to happen. And plus I hope I will make new friends. And plue I am living alone. But the school I am going to have student that live together. Cid: What the hell? Why didn’t I get to live in coed dorms in high school? Well I just got in the school and it is very big. Some of the people wore diffent unifroms. Vincent: If they wore different “unifroms” wouldn’t they cease to be well.... unifroms? I was unsure what I was going to wear. I look at my watch, it said it was 14:13. I put the bag on the ground on the floor and rub my num shoulder. A guy pass me and he had bloun spiky hair. He wore a white t-shirt with a blue hole gens and his eye color was light glowing blue. Cloud: I’m glad I went with “gens” today, instead of karkis or slanks. "Excuse me?" He turned and looked at me. RedXIII: Fallow him? He wants her to make him infertile? "Oh good." I giggle, I pick up my bug and put the strap over my shoulder. Tifa: Oh good, bugs come with straps now. I need a way to carry those more conveniently. "So where did you come from?" He asked. We were walking up the stears. I look at him. I fix my glasses. Cloud: Oh goddamnit, I smell another “tragic” life story. "A dragon burn my home town and killed alot of people and my best friend and I was to slay the monster. My best friend, she was tranded to become a dragon slaier. The monster devouring her alive and it hurt my right arm. And I couldn't save her." Sephiroth: What? Did she reach in and try to pull her friend out of the dragon’s mouth by hand? I rember the look on her face. He took my bag and put it over his shoulder. Cid: Insert shitty James Bond joke here. He put his hand out for me. I grab his hand he help me up. "Thanks and my name is Alex." Vincent: Now that you know my life’s greatest tragedies I suppose I should introduce myself. Later on we got to the office. "So you a orphan?" I nodded. We walk in the office. There was a woman at a black dask. Cloud push me up to her. I handed her a peace of paper. Aerith: (as Mary Sue) Well not anymore, thanks for blowing my cover! "High Class." I said with a smile. Cid: Yeah, the leader of the worlds biggest company and private army loves having goddamn spies around. "Please take a seat." She said with a smile. Sephiroth: I appear to be distinctly unfabulous today. "What up Sephiroth?" Cloud said. Sephiroth didn't say anything. Reno: *snrk* Girlfriend? 'God he's cute' I thought, then I look down. "I feel sorry for him." I said as I rub my shoulder. Red XIII: Light...dark...what?? Your metaphor is bizarre and illogical! Voices cannot be light or dark, because sound waves don’t carry photons! They’re completely separate spectra and sensory media! "Ye... Yes sir." He took he glass and wipe them with he coat. Sephiroth: It puts the lotion on its skin. "Well I hope to you in my class tomrow. Now if you excuse me." He left the office. I look like I was out of my mine. Tseng: *sigh* and I’m out of land mines. Cloud was trying to not to laugh cause of the look I was making. Barrett: ...is he high? The ladie stop typing and look at us. I point at him and I slit to the chair that was next to me. She took out a materia it was green. "Silent." She said solfly. A light surround Cloud. Now we can't hear him laugh. He fell on the floor still laughing like heck. Tseng: We do not allow humour and merriment at this school. "Miss Alex." A man vioce called. RedXIII: Follow! Follow! It has two O’s! "Thanks great to be here." I said with a smile. Cid: Could have fooled me; so far he looks like a half-baked idiot who carries bugs around. "Oh come on Mr. Rufus... You are making me blush." Cloud rub the back of his head. Both of us sat down. Mr. Rufus had gel blond hair. Aerith: Oh, is that what you call that shade? I’d have gone with “Radioactive Cheez-Whiz,” myself. He had a faw strans sticking out. He look like he was wareing a white coat over a lab coat and with white gens, plus a black tutle neck. RedXIII: “Tutle”?! He sat down at his desk then he look though some papers. Cid: Yeah, we need lots of spies at the high school. What the fuck is this story smoking? "Why is that sir?" I asked, Cloud: Rufus was seriously considering jumping at this point. Alot of our student have been missing or killed by someone or something. But some of the students reappear at times." He turned and look at me. Tseng: Sending spies into high school is never a good idea. I only wish I could forget the whole Reno fiasco. Then he sat back down and look at me. I look at Cloud. He was in space. Barrett: Yup, he’s high. Then I look at Mr. Rufus. Cid: Really, really high. Come on, man, numbers? You’re laughing at numbers? My eyes twich at him. Wonder: Yep this a new storie I am working now. Cloud: Snicker Alex: Come on Cloud. Who behide door number 523? RedXIII: May we please “behide” the Sueauthor? Wonder: You'll see. Please write to me and tell me how you'll like it.
Vincent: On the contrary, I don’t think it’s been shot enough. "Come on tell me." I bagged him. "No you will see." Cloud containued, 'Man I hope it's not Sephiroth.' I thought to myself. Tifa: That’s not a giveaway or anything. I’m definitely expecting anybody but Sephiroth now, thanks to that brilliant misdirection. "Yep 523." He pointed to a door. I was eger to know who was in the appeartment. I knock on the door. Cid: Fuckin’ zowie, what a twist, never saw that coming. "Hey Seph, this is your new roomie." He push me into the door. I blush real hard. Seph raise his sliver eye brows at me. Sephiroth: I could have an emotion now...but I choose not to. "No, you got to be kidding me!" I glared at Cloud. Cloud put my bag on the floor. Aerith: Just what the hell is a “smart look” anyway, and why would it exist in this story? "And you must be the great Sephiroth." He smiled at me. Reno: Uh...kinky, yo? "And I thought we was going to get off a wrong spot." I said with a sweat-drop. I put my clothes away in the droors. RedXIII: You -- I -- what?? "Oh I am sorry for asking." He said as if he read my mine. I got fan out. It is a metel tpye. Sharp as a knife. Sephiroth: Is she threatening me? It’s hard to tell through the mangled English. "Hey would you like me to show you the school" I look at him and smiled. Cloud: We’re going to class now, better grab our weapons. "Do you have your paper that tell you were your class are." He said as he came out of room. Tifa: You mean a schedule, you morons? "Yeah." Wonder: Ok tell me how I did. Tseng: ....*sigh* Why bother? First Class Cloud: Wait....is she at the beach... drowning and laughing...what? "Ha ha ha look at the powerful now Alex " Tseng: Yes, Alex, look at the powerful. Aren’t they impressive? "Who there." All I saw was a person with black hair. I couldn't see him well. He push a button and the water I was in was filled with some kind of pink water. Aerith: I will get you with pink water! It will stain all your clothes! Staaaaaiin! "Bazz Bazz Bazz." I sat up in my bed. I was sweating. Then I heard a knock. Reno: Okay, seriously yo. What the hell is going on? "Alex are you awake?" Seph asked. Tseng: ...No, no actually, he didn’t. And in what delusional hell is this...person qualified to be a Turk? But the thing that got me is the tie, but the color was cool. I love the color blue. I put my hair in a pony tail. I step out of my room. Seph was cooking something. Cid: Well, that’s creepy as fuck. "Hungry?" He asked. Aerith: Bacon grows on plants now? "WOW this is good!" Seph smiled. Tifa: For fuck’s sake, it’s just bacon! Not a culinary masterpiece! Well today in the hallways. Students walk left and right in the hall. Some of the student stared at me. "She walking with Sephiroth." said a girl. Tifa: Truly, a school for the intellectual elite. Yeah Seph is walking with me. Then for no reason a Red head came up behind me and touch and rub my butt. Aerith: Gee, I wonder who that could be. "Hey Himaco." I took my suitcase and smack him with it. He fell on his hine. Reno: Ow, yo! ....wait, what did I fall on? His sun-glasses flew off and some brown hair girl caught it. She put her hand out for him. Sephiroth gave me a mean look. Red XIII: That’s not asking, that’s shouting. The girl help him up. She look at me in the mean way. Tseng: Oh, come now. That’s practically a handshake from Reno, don’t work yourself up so much. "Sorry but, this school is like other schools you been to." I look at him and sigh. Aerith: Girls get harassed at lots of schools, so that makes it jim dandy! "Maybe you're right." Seph smiled and said, "You better be getting in class." Vincent: Kind of the entire point of “unifroms”, yes. Then the girl turn to me. I sweat-drop. Then the red head with that long rat-tail look at me too. RedXIII: No...NO! You do not write in sweat drops! Visual aesthetics do not work in writing! "Hey, sorry about what happen early." He said. Cid: Ass-groping! Better than coffee. "Don't worry he need at few slaps oncein the while." The girl said as she smiled, then she put her hand out to me. I took it. Tifa: Oh, well, so much for that source of plot tension. "Hi I'm Himaco orNikki or you can call meNik for short." The red head made a peace sign. Tseng: What? What does that mean? Then three more kids came up to me. There was a short blond hair girl, a bold man, and a man black hair. Reno: (cackles) That’s you guys? You get “bold man” and “man black hair”? At least I have lines and a name. The blond look at me in a snub way and said, "She doesn't even look like a spy to me." Tseng: (face palms) That’s exactly the point! You’re not supposed to “look” like a spy! (Starts cursing in Wutai frantically) I just got mad now. Wonder: I can tell you this... I don't have spell-check All: No Shit! Mako Eyes and Punishment? Reno: Oooh, good. "Now class. You can start fights in the hallways." Mr. Rufus said as he came in the class. Cid: They can? Why the fuck didn’t I go to this high school?! Everyone went to their sets. Tifa: ...That can’t possibly be as dirty as it sounds. I walk over. He turn my around to look at the class. Cloud: Rufus has a very intimidating “glard.” "Yes sir." the class said, I sweatdrop. Red XIII: (growls, beginning to foam at the mouth) Mr. Rufus eyed Reno. Reno: Uh, “get that damn thing off so I can tie you to the desk with it”? "What the matter with that?" Reno smark, Mr. Rufus glared at him in a cold way. Tseng: (winces, head in hand) Good gods, don’t tell him that... Mr. Rufus eyes trun very cold. I didn't feel safe a little. Reno mummbled and botton his shirt and turn to Nikki. Mr. Rufus look at me and smiled. Tseng: Don’t you hate it when he likes at you? "You have to have your eyes mako." He bind back up. Mako... what does that mean. Vincent: That’s rather like saying, ‘Oxygen, what is that?’ or ‘Trees, what does that mean?’ "Himaco." he called, Nik stood up. Reno: Someone set us up the bomb. Something tell me something is wrong. "Reno and I snack out of school late at night. And we went to go have a good time, when we got back..." I can feel it, in her mine, I see pain. Sephiroth: Couldn’t stop laughing. ...cried..." she wipe the tears, Vincent: A “wrose” by any other wname would smell as wsweet. ….We neave did it again..." "I sorry I'd ask... I never know this was a bad school." Aerith: The student deaths and disappearances, mandatory weapons policy, and total lack of educational content didn’t tip her off? "No it's ok. You had to know." Cloud: Now that you know he’s a twisted, inhuman sadist who gets his rocks off by torturing and mutilating kids...have fun being totally at his mercy, bye! "Well look like your ready for mako, Miss Alex." he said. Aerith: Was he always in the habit of shouting at the architecture? "Please sit in that chair..." he point to the operation chair. I gluped. I sat in it, then I lie back. He got the gas mask. Yuffie: And she asphyxiated on her own vomit and died, The End...please? "Alex..." Reno: Yes you are, the end. Can we go now, yo? "No you just woke up" said a man's voice. Yuffie: Let’s play Blind Man’s Bluff! That will make you feel better after the torture. "Your going to wear this for a day and a half, got it?" he said, "Yes sir." Nik said. Then I heard someone mumble. I think it was Reno. I suck my hands out. One of them took it. Then I heard a door shut. Barrett: Great, now she’s stoned too. "Then we need to get up to your appeartment, what number is it?" He asked, Cid: (as Mary Sue) Wooooah! Suddenly I get “Stairway to Heaven!” "Oh Alex?" Vincent: .....!!!??! "Oh how lovely." I felt my arms being lift. then I felt walking. Reno: You think? Just because he’s making an army of glowy-eyed kids? "Me too... First I saw him, I had cold chills going up my spin." Nik and Reno didn't say a thing. Wonder: Thank you... thank you Vincent: ....!??!?!? Is... is she taking a bow?! True Feelings Aerith: Oh, a Sue writer making every other woman in her story look insipid and bitchy. This is a new and shocking trend. "NO CLOUD LIKES ME MORE!" yelled Tifa, she pulled Cloud's arm. Cid: (muttering) Lucky bastard. Cloud was getting sick to his stomick. Nikki and Reno was laughing their butts off. Sephiroth was abit up set. I was standing behind him. I tug the back of his hair. He look at me. Sephiroth: Oh, the ways I could prolong your death. "What's wrong?" I asked. He turned his head back. He sigh. I pulled up a chair and sat next to him. He watched Tifa and Aeris fighting over Cloud. I look what he was looking at. He had his eyes on Aeris. I pat his back. Sephiroth: Hmm, should I impale her with a running start, or leap down on her from a great height? Definitely the leap, I think...who the hell keeps touching me while I’m plotting? "Why don't you ask her out Seph?" I said with a smile. He look at me in the corner of his eyes. Then he chackle and looked back at Aeris. Yuffie: Yeah, steal her tiger, that’ll get her attention. "I would but... she doesn't has the hot for me" RedXIII: Not a single hot. How sad. "Will I do." He was a little shock. He turned his head quickly to face me. Sephiroth: Who the hell is Will? "What?" I could tell that he wish I would had never said that. But this true, I love him. The truth nothing but the truth. Nikki leaned on my shoulds. RedXIII: (buries his head in his paws) I give up. I can’t even look at it anymore. "Ahh So sweet Alex. You telling Seph you loved him." Nikki said in a sweet way. Reeve: (throws an arsenal of thesauruses at the story) Damn these redundant adjectives! I got out of my chair. And walk out of the launch room. I tried to keep a strait face. Well I was half way there, so much for a pocker face. I was hoping he like me more then Aeris. I guest some dreams don't come true. I stop and lean my head on Mr. Rufus class door. Cloud: But since you got your friend killed fighting a dragon, you’re clearly the best person for the job! "It's a girl's locker rooms. And we are men." Cid said and he cross his arms. Cid: What in the hell am I doing there?! And why ain’t I panty raiding the lockers? I was disgeast. Sephiroth: As am I. "Men... more as boys to me." I walked into the locker room. I was hearing mummbleing. Tifa: It’s even more indistinct than mumbling. In the shower I found Vincent. He look like he was beated up. Reno: (snrk) You got beat up in the girls’ locker room, Valentine? I ran out and said. "Wonder go to the launch room and get Reno and Nikki!" Cid: One of the oxygen tanks is fucked! Abort! Abort! Wonder nodded and ran off. Barrett: She pulled him in by his Caucasian. Later on Vincent sat up in his bed like he had a nightmare. He was breathing deeply. Tseng step in his room to check on him. Vincent was still dizzy. Tseng stooled next to Vincent's bed. Aerith: A former chewing gum flavour? And Mr. Hojo was there too. Then I woke up in the girl's locker room." The girls and I look at each other. Maybe Hojo is behine this. Don't know, maybe he is. Cloud: What other hints do you need? Flashing neon? A Broadway rendition of “It’s Great to be a Mad Scientist” sung by Hojo? Puppets with flashcards saying “This is a villain”? Should we give him a black handle-bar mustache to twirl while he ties kittens to railroad tracks? Sephiroth: Hmm, I didn’t rape anyone this time. I think we’ve broken our streak. |
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