Final Fantasy VII: MST3K

BY : Kiune
Category: Final Fantasy VII > General
Dragon prints: 925
Disclaimer: We do not own Final Fantasy VII or MST3K nor do we make money from it. But we do own you.


And because we know you’ll never make it through this sober, here is this episode’s drinking game:

Take a sip every time somebody smiles.

Take two sips for every weird description.

Take a shot every time the main character or anyone else explicitly says that she’s a spy.

If you gave up beer for Lent, drink every time someone acts in character.

If you crave the sweet surcease of death, drink every time a word is misspelled.

Caution: Do not attempt with hard liquor.

I do not own Final Fantasy VII characters, but my friends and I own our characters.

New Student

I just arrive at my new school and I am a bit unsure what is going to happen. And plus I hope I will make new friends. And plue I am living alone. But the school I am going to have student that live together.

Cid: What the hell? Why didn’t I get to live in coed dorms in high school?

Well I just got in the school and it is very big. Some of the people wore diffent unifroms.

Vincent: If they wore different “unifroms” wouldn’t they cease to be well.... unifroms?

I was unsure what I was going to wear. I look at my watch, it said it was 14:13. I put the bag on the ground on the floor and rub my num shoulder. A guy pass me and he had bloun spiky hair. He wore a white t-shirt with a blue hole gens and his eye color was light glowing blue.

Cloud: I’m glad I went with “gens” today, instead of karkis or slanks.

"Excuse me?" He turned and looked at me.

"Yeah?" He said.

"Do you know where is the office?" I asked,

"Yeah fallow me, I going there myself." He smile.

RedXIII: Fallow him? He wants her to make him infertile?

"Oh good." I giggle, I pick up my bug and put the strap over my shoulder.

Tifa: Oh good, bugs come with straps now. I need a way to carry those more conveniently.

Cloud: Do you think they have a bug that would match my blue hole gens?

"So where did you come from?" He asked. We were walking up the stears. I look at him. I fix my glasses.

"Well it not much as a home anymore..." I gave him a upset look.

"Why? What happen?" He asked. We stop at the top of the stears. I put my bag on the ground. Sat down and took a breath. Then I started to rub my arm.

Cloud: Oh goddamnit, I smell another “tragic” life story.

Tifa: Mary Sue giveaway #1: Convenient plot scar that will probably never be mentioned again.

"A dragon burn my home town and killed alot of people and my best friend and I was to slay the monster. My best friend, she was tranded to become a dragon slaier. The monster devouring her alive and it hurt my right arm. And I couldn't save her."

Sephiroth: What? Did she reach in and try to pull her friend out of the dragon’s mouth by hand?

Vincent: Perhaps if she had paid better attention to her “tranding,”she would have known her friend was already “slaien.”

I rember the look on her face. He took my bag and put it over his shoulder.

"Oh let me carry this for you... and name is Strife, Cloud Strife."

Cid: Insert shitty James Bond joke here.

He put his hand out for me. I grab his hand he help me up. "Thanks and my name is Alex."

Vincent: Now that you know my life’s greatest tragedies I suppose I should introduce myself.

Later on we got to the office. "So you a orphan?" I nodded. We walk in the office. There was a woman at a black dask. Cloud push me up to her. I handed her a peace of paper.

"Well welcome Alex the spy." She said, Cloud look at me.

"Your a spy?" Cloud said as he took one stap back.

Aerith: (as Mary Sue) Well not anymore, thanks for blowing my cover!

"High Class." I said with a smile.

"I am sure Mr. Rufus will be please to meet you!" I smiled at her.

Cid: Yeah, the leader of the worlds biggest company and private army loves having goddamn spies around.

Tseng: Well, he certainly gets along well with Reno...

"Please take a seat." She said with a smile.

"Cloud, Rufus we see you soon." She look at Cloud.

"You can take a seat too." We both sat down. I started to talk about my friend I'd had, then a man walk in the office. He had silver long hair. He shirt was black and had a skull on it. And he had light blue gens. He turn and glared at me. He eyes was light glowing green.

Sephiroth: I appear to be distinctly unfabulous today.

Tseng: Yes, you look like you were jumped by a Hot Topic on the way to school.

"What up Sephiroth?" Cloud said. Sephiroth didn't say anything.

"Here you go Seph." The lady gave him a peace of paper. Sephiroth had to the door. He eyed me again. I gave him a friendly wave. He raise his eye brow at me and walk out.

"What was his problem?" I asked him and blush,

"His ex-girlfriend slap him in the face and took off with a different man." He said as he look up at the roof. Most of the room was paited white.

Reno: *snrk* Girlfriend?

Cid: Even if you get Cloud in drag, that still doesn’t count as a girlfriend.

Tseng: Maybe Genesis went to the same school.

Sephiroth: (seethe) I will say this exactly once -- there is nothing between me and Cloud, and Genesis was every inch a man!  ...I’d like to rephrase the second part.

Tifa: Of course there was nothing between you and Cloud. I never took you as a man who’d use protection.

'God he's cute' I thought, then I look down.

Aerith: (as Mary Sue) Oh, I just love hostile brooding guys who hold me in contempt and seem like they could become violent.

"I feel sorry for him." I said as I rub my shoulder.

"Yeah me too."

It wasn't long until a guy step out the office. He had black hiar, he long bangs went down to his chin. And in the back is not to long. And his eyes was blue and wore glasses. The guy look like he in his 20's or 30's. Plus he wore a white lab-coat. He look at me and walk up to me. Then I had a cold chill going up to my spine.

"So your Alex?" He asked, he vioce was between light and dark... mostly dark. Cloud look at me and elbow me in the arm.

Red XIII: Light...dark...what?? Your metaphor is bizarre and illogical! Voices cannot be light or dark, because sound waves don’t carry photons! They’re completely separate spectra and sensory media!

Vincent: You must be a delight to read poetry with.

Reno: ...wait, what, yo?

"Ye... Yes sir." He took he glass and wipe them with he coat.

Sephiroth: It puts the lotion on its skin.

"Well I hope to you in my class tomrow. Now if you excuse me." He left the office. I look like I was out of my mine.

Tseng: *sigh* and I’m out of land mines.

Cloud was trying to not to laugh cause of the look I was making.

"Don't tell me... I need to watch out for him." Cloud nodded and then he let out a loud laugh.

Barrett: he high?

Reno: So that’s why it’s called Final Fantasy High, yo.

The ladie stop typing and look at us. I point at him and I slit to the chair that was next to me. She took out a materia it was green. "Silent." She said solfly. A light surround Cloud. Now we can't hear him laugh. He fell on the floor still laughing like heck.

"That should keep him quiet." She said as she got back tpying.

Tseng: We do not allow humour and merriment at this school.

"Miss Alex." A man vioce called.

"So Miss Alex, glad to have you abord." He said as Cloud and I fellow him in his office.

RedXIII: Follow! Follow! It has two O’s!

"Thanks great to be here." I said with a smile.

"Good to see you know Mr. Strife... he is very smart student." He said as he point to some chairs.

Cid: Could have fooled me; so far he looks like a half-baked idiot who carries bugs around.

"Oh come on Mr. Rufus... You are making me blush." Cloud rub the back of his head. Both of us sat down. Mr. Rufus had gel blond hair.

Aerith: Oh, is that what you call that shade? I’d have gone with “Radioactive Cheez-Whiz,” myself.

He had a faw strans sticking out. He look like he was wareing a white coat over a lab coat and with white gens, plus a black tutle neck.

RedXIII: “Tutle”?!

Tifa: Toodles!

Cloud: Wow, gens are really popular at this school.

Aerith: Well, yeah, troosers were sooo last year.

He sat down at his desk then he look though some papers.

"I see your duity is being a spy. Well I am sure we need a spy." I put my head to the side.

Cid: Yeah, we need lots of spies at the high school.  What the fuck is this story smoking?

Reno: Not enough, yo. It can still type.

Vincent: Rufus’ “faw strans” would beg to differ.

"Why is that sir?" I asked,

"Well to say..." He got up from his chair, went to the window and look down. The school is at lest 50 stories high. "

Cloud: Rufus was seriously considering jumping at this point.

Alot of our student have been missing or killed by someone or something. But some of the students reappear at times." He turned and look at me.

"That why we need you here. To learn and to save the students lives."

Tseng: Sending spies into high school is never a good idea. I only wish I could forget the whole Reno fiasco.

Then he sat back down and look at me. I look at Cloud. He was in space.

Barrett: Yup, he’s high.

Then I look at Mr. Rufus.

"Sir I'll be glad to work and learn at your school."

"Good, you will start class the next day then."

Cloud and I walk in a hallway of doors. "So what's you appartment number?" Cloud asked with a smile. I look at papers Mr. Rufus gave me.

"It said 5...23." Cloud started to snicker at me.

Cid: Really, really high. Come on, man, numbers? You’re laughing at numbers?

My eyes twich at him.

"What's so funny."

"You will see once we get there."

Wonder: Yep this a new storie I am working now.

Cloud: Snicker

Alex: Come on Cloud. Who behide door number 523?

RedXIII: May we please “behide” the Sueauthor?

Wonder: You'll see. Please write to me and tell me how you'll like it.

A cool roomie

I do not own FF7

Sorry if this is shot

Vincent: On the contrary, I don’t think it’s been shot enough.

"Come on tell me." I bagged him.

"No you will see." Cloud containued,

'Man I hope it's not Sephiroth.' I thought to myself.

Tifa: That’s not a giveaway or anything. I’m definitely expecting anybody but Sephiroth now, thanks to that brilliant misdirection.

"Yep 523." He pointed to a door. I was eger to know who was in the appeartment. I knock on the door.

"Hello is anyone there" I heard someone unlock the door. Then a man with green mako eyes looked at me. "Yes" He said.

'Oh man it's Sephiroth' I thought. Cloud stood next to me.

Cid: Fuckin’ zowie, what a twist, never saw that coming.

Vincent: This...this is actually supposed to be irony, isn’t it? She’s trying to pass this stilted, hackneyed drivel off as a clever ironic plot twist. I...think I may kill something.

Sephiroth: This is the species you were all so eager to save from destruction?

Cloud: Is it too late to call Meteor back?

"Hey Seph, this is your new roomie." He push me into the door. I blush real hard. Seph raise his sliver eye brows at me.

Sephiroth: I could have an emotion now...but I choose not to.

"No, you got to be kidding me!" I glared at Cloud. Cloud put my bag on the floor.

"Nope... It said 523." Cloud tesed me around. I felt like putting a hole in his face.

"That not funny" I yelled at him.

"Well bye." Cloud said as he shut the door behind him.

'That dork' I thought. I look at Sephiroth. He gave me a smart look.

"So you're Alex" I gave a smart look at him too.

Aerith: Just what the hell is a “smart look” anyway, and why would it exist in this story?

"And you must be the great Sephiroth." He smiled at me.

"Well I see you know your people." He suck out his hand. I grab it and we shack.

Reno: Uh...kinky, yo?

"And I thought we was going to get off a wrong spot." I said with a sweat-drop. I put my clothes away in the droors.

"So Alex what your last name" I shout the droor and gave him a upset look.

RedXIII: You -- I -- what??

"Oh I am sorry for asking." He said as if he read my mine. I got fan out. It is a metel tpye. Sharp as a knife.

Sephiroth: Is she threatening me? It’s hard to tell through the mangled English.

Cid: Yeah, she’ll tell you she’s a spy and pour out her whole goddamn dragon sob story, but she’ll fuck you up with a razor fan if you ask her last name.

"Hey would you like me to show you the school" I look at him and smiled.

"Yeah that sounds nice." I said as I put the fan in my back pockit. He went to his room and got his long sword.

Cloud: We’re going to class now, better grab our weapons.

Cid: I didn’t know this was Columbine High.

Vincent: Did they ever consider that maybe this is why so many of their students keep turning up dead?

"Do you have your paper that tell you were your class are." He said as he came out of room.

Tifa: You mean a schedule, you morons?

Vincent: Perhaps their first class is vocabulary.

RedXIII: I highly doubt it.


Wonder: Ok tell me how I did.

Tseng: ....*sigh* Why bother?

First Class

I do not own FF7 but I own Alex and Himaco owns Nik

"Haa ha ha." I open my eyes and I was in water. I tired to move my arms. It was tide up.

Cloud: she at the beach... drowning and laughing...what?

"Ha ha ha look at the powerful now Alex "

Tseng: Yes, Alex, look at the powerful. Aren’t they impressive?

"Who there." All I saw was a person with black hair. I couldn't see him well. He push a button and the water I was in was filled with some kind of pink water.

"I will get you!"

Aerith: I will get you with pink water! It will stain all your clothes! Staaaaaiin!

"Bazz Bazz Bazz." I sat up in my bed. I was sweating. Then I heard a knock.

Reno: Okay, seriously yo. What the hell is going on?

Barrett: She was at the beach, got slimed by that pink ooze from Ghostbusters, then killer bees showed up and...fuck it, I got nothing.

"Alex are you awake?" Seph asked.

"Yeah, thanks for asking..." I got up and put my uniform. I don't know what kind it is. But I think Mr. Rufus said it was a Truks' uniform.

Tseng: ...No, no actually, he didn’t. And in what delusional hell is this...person qualified to be a Turk?

Tifa: Maybe the “Truks” are a cheap knock off.

But the thing that got me is the tie, but the color was cool. I love the color blue. I put my hair in a pony tail. I step out of my room. Seph was cooking something.

"Morning!" he said with a smile.

"Morning!" I said with a smile.

Cid: Well, that’s creepy as fuck.

Cloud: Every time Sephiroth smiles, hundreds of people die.

"Hungry?" He asked.

"Yeah, oh nice uniform." I said. His uniform was black leather.

"Thanks." He said as he gave me a plant of bacon. I sat down and took a bite.

Aerith: Bacon grows on plants now?  

Cid: I’ll have a bacon bush with a side order of beef flowers.

Cloud: If I had made it into SOLDIER, would I have gotten a bacon plant?

Sephiroth: Are we seriously rewarded for our efforts with breakfast conveniences?

Tseng: Yes, for example, Turks are rewarded with chickens.

"WOW this is good!" Seph smiled.

Tifa: For fuck’s sake, it’s just bacon! Not a culinary masterpiece!

Cid: We do not speak ill of bacon. Bacon is next to godliness.

Tifa: (smirks) And coffee is better than tea.


Well today in the hallways. Students walk left and right in the hall. Some of the student stared at me. "She walking with Sephiroth." said a girl.

Tifa: Truly, a school for the intellectual elite.

Yeah Seph is walking with me. Then for no reason a Red head came up behind me and touch and rub my butt.

Aerith: Gee, I wonder who that could be.

"Hey Himaco." I took my suitcase and smack him with it. He fell on his hine.

Reno: Ow, yo! ....wait, what did I fall on?

His sun-glasses flew off and some brown hair girl caught it. She put her hand out for him. Sephiroth gave me a mean look.

"WHAT!" I asked.

Red XIII: That’s not asking, that’s shouting.

The girl help him up. She look at me in the mean way.

"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMETHING!" I gave her a snub look.

"Ah Yeah, this dork touch me!"

Seph step back. The student look and us. I walked off be for I started a fight. The girl gave the red head his sun-glasses and rub his red cheek. Seph stop me in a corner.

"Alex, you need to careful with the fight you pick." He said.

"I pick... The dork rub my butt!"

Tseng: Oh, come now. That’s practically a handshake from Reno, don’t work yourself up so much.

Reno: Come.... now? Is that an order, yo?

Tseng: *sigh*

"Sorry but, this school is like other schools you been to." I look at him and sigh.

Aerith: Girls get harassed at lots of schools, so that makes it jim dandy!

"Maybe you're right." Seph smiled and said, "You better be getting in class."

"OK later." I gave him a peace sign and we walked a part.

'Well, to my first class.' I said in my mind. I walk in the class and... "Oh god!" I said to myself, That girl and the red hair boy was in the same class as I was. Not only that... They're wearing the same uniform as I'm wearing. The students were dress the same.

Vincent: Kind of the entire point of “unifroms”, yes.

Then the girl turn to me. I sweat-drop. Then the red head with that long rat-tail look at me too.

RedXIII: No...NO! You do not write in sweat drops! Visual aesthetics do not work in writing!

"Hey, sorry about what happen early." He said.

"No it's okay. You just woke me up. And sorry about slapping you." I said as I scratch my head.

Cid: Ass-groping! Better than coffee.

"Don't worry he need at few slaps oncein the while." The girl said as she smiled, then she put her hand out to me. I took it.

Tifa: Oh, well, so much for that source of plot tension.

Cloud: All my friendships at Shinra started with sexual harassment in the corridors. Come to think of it, most of that was Reno.

"Hi I'm Himaco orNikki or you can call meNik for short." The red head made a peace sign.

"And I am Reno." Reno stood there in a fashin way.

Tseng: What? What does that mean?

Tifa: Fashion?

Vincent: He stood in a fashion way? Are there fashionable postures?

Cid: I don’t know why, but it sounds like it means something gay.

Then three more kids came up to me. There was a short blond hair girl, a bold man, and a man black hair.

Reno: (cackles) That’s you guys? You get “bold man” and “man black hair”? At least I have lines and a name.

Tseng: At least I’m not fashin.

The blond look at me in a snub way and said, "She doesn't even look like a spy to me."

Tseng: (face palms) That’s exactly the point! You’re not supposed to “look” like a spy! (Starts cursing in Wutai frantically)

Red XIII: Maybe it’s a surprisingly clever new approach to espionage -- no one would suspect someone who was all but wearing a “Hello I Am A Spy”nametag.  ...I just need to believe this story isn’t as lackwitted as it seems.

I just got mad now.

"Well look can be deseving."

Wonder: I can tell you this... I don't have spell-check

All: No Shit!

Mako Eyes and Punishment?

Reno: Oooh, good.

Tseng: You’ll love it, I know.

"Now class. You can start fights in the hallways." Mr. Rufus said as he came in the class.

Cid: They can? Why the fuck didn’t I go to this high school?!

Everyone went to their sets.

"Alex..." Mr. Rufus called. I look at him. He finger me to his desk.

Tifa: ...That can’t possibly be as dirty as it sounds.

I walk over. He turn my around to look at the class.

"Students... this is Alex. She had move here and I want her to feel welcome here to our school. Got it?" he glard at his class,

Cloud: Rufus has a very intimidating “glard.”

"Yes sir." the class said, I sweatdrop.

Red XIII: (growls, beginning to foam at the mouth)

Mr. Rufus eyed Reno.

"Reno what did I say about your shirt?" He asked, Reno look at his shirt. It was unbotton half way.

Reno: Uh, “get that damn thing off so I can tie you to the desk with it”?

"What the matter with that?" Reno smark, Mr. Rufus glared at him in a cold way.

"I asure you to follow the rules in the school. You will be punish."

Tseng: (winces, head in hand) Good gods, don’t tell him that...

Reno: (short-circuits from an overload of suggestive comebacks)

Mr. Rufus eyes trun very cold. I didn't feel safe a little. Reno mummbled and botton his shirt and turn to Nikki. Mr. Rufus look at me and smiled.

"Befor you start you class..." He bind down and like at me in the eyes.

Tseng: Don’t you hate it when he likes at you?

Cloud: Rufus used to “like” at me...until I killed Dark Nation.

"You have to have your eyes mako." He bind back up. Mako... what does that mean.

Vincent: That’s rather like saying, ‘Oxygen, what is that?’ or ‘Trees, what does that mean?’

"Himaco." he called, Nik stood up.


"Take Alex to the lab and let Hojo mako her eyes." He push me a little.

"Sir." Nik nodded her head. I follow in the hallway. I wait until we got down the hall to talk to her.

"If I may ask..."

"Hmmm?" she look at me,

"What is the punishment?" Nik sigh,

"Did you see the scars on Reno's face?" she asked,

"Do you mean the scars under his eyes?" Nik look like she was going to cry.

"Yes..." then a tear roll down her check.

"What happen?"

Reno: Someone set us up the bomb.

Something tell me something is wrong.

"Reno and I snack out of school late at night. And we went to go have a good time, when we got back..." I can feel it, in her mine, I see pain.

"Mr. Rufus and Hojo and theother teachergot us and we was going to be punish. Reno told him that it was his idea to sneak out. They hold his down a burn under his eyes with a hot iron. They made me watch him get burned. He yelled and I...

Sephiroth: Couldn’t stop laughing.

...cried..." she wipe the tears,

"Rufus told me if we sneck out again, he will do wrose for the both of us.

Vincent: A “wrose” by any other wname would smell as wsweet.

….We neave did it again..."

"I sorry I'd ask... I never know this was a bad school."

Aerith: The student deaths and disappearances, mandatory weapons policy, and total lack of educational content didn’t tip her off?

"No it's ok. You had to know."

Nik knock on a door. "Mr. Hojo. Alex is here to get her eyes mako." Someone open the door.

'HOLY COW' I said in my mind. I had that cold going up my spin. That teacher wtih black hair.

Cloud: Now that you know he’s a twisted, inhuman sadist who gets his rocks off by torturing and mutilating kids...have fun being totally at his mercy, bye!

"Well look like your ready for mako, Miss Alex." he said.

"So your Mr. Hojo?" I said tring not to sound like I was freck out.

"Yes well, sorry for not telling who I was in the first plase. Please come in." I walk in the lab. God he freak me out.

"Himaco come back here in three hours, got it?"

"Yes sir!" Hojo shout the door.

Aerith: Was he always in the habit of shouting at the architecture?

RedXIII: Yes...yes he was.

"Please sit in that chair..." he point to the operation chair. I gluped. I sat in it, then I lie back. He got the gas mask.

"I am going to put you to sleep, you will wake up in three hours." he place the gas mask over my mouth and nose. Then a sec felt sleeply. And everything got dark.

Yuffie: And she asphyxiated on her own vomit  and died, The End...please?

Vincent: Since when does Hojo use anesthetic?


"Alex wake up" I open my eyes. There was a light around me. Very bright.

"Am I... dead?"

Reno: Yes you are, the end. Can we go now, yo?

"No you just woke up" said a man's voice.

"Ow that light is hurting my eyes." I try to block the light.

"It will hurt for the day. Sit up, will you?" he said. I sat up then the light disappeared and still my eyes hurt and everything was fuzzy. Then the man, that was talking to me wrap something around my eyes.

Yuffie: Let’s play Blind Man’s Bluff! That will make you feel better after the torture.

"Your going to wear this for a day and a half, got it?" he said,

"Yes, sir." Then I felt a tug in the back of my head.

"There you may go Miss Alex."

"OK." He lead me to the door. I heared him open it. "Himaco you may take her to her appearment."


Cloud: She might grow wings, forget her identity, mutate into a bloodthirsty monster, or feel a strange urge to carry a weapon twice her height, but that’s normal.

"Yes sir." Nik said. Then I heard someone mumble. I think it was Reno. I suck my hands out. One of them took it. Then I heard a door shut.

"Alex you ok?" Nik asked,

"I thinks so. Just feel dizzy and all."

Barrett: Great, now she’s stoned too.

"Then we need to get up to your appeartment, what number is it?" He asked,

"523" I said. Then kind of trip.

Cid: (as Mary Sue) Wooooah! Suddenly I get “Stairway to Heaven!”

"Oh Alex?"

"No I'm fine. What the heck does mako do to the eyes?"

"Nothing, all it can do is make them glow, like our"

Vincent: .....!!!??!

Tseng: You are, beyond all doubt, the worst spy there could ever be.

Aerith: Just in case anyone still thought this girl had come any closer to the content of the game than someone’s youtube video of pretty boys...

Cloud: I’m so glad I spent four years of my life in a torture chamber just for pretty shiny eyes.

"Oh how lovely." I felt my arms being lift. then I felt walking.

"Reno?" Nik said,

"Yeah?" he anwser, I know it, Reno was here.

"Do you got the feeling Hojo is up to something?"


Reno: You think? Just because he’s making an army of glowy-eyed kids?

Tseng: He’s planning a remake of Village of the Damned! That black-hearted fiend!

"Me too... First I saw him, I had cold chills going up my spin." Nik and Reno didn't say a thing.

'He has to be up to something.' I thought.

Wonder: Thank you... thank you

Vincent: ....!??!?!? Is... is she taking a bow?!

Cloud: Great, Wonder, you broke the gunman. Are you happy now?

True Feelings

I don't own FF7 but himco own Nikki and I own Alex

It's been a three mounths now, I am injoy my new friends. Cloud show me his Friends. They're cool. The two girl that fight over Cloud was Tifa and Aeris. We're in the lunch room.

Aerith: Oh, a Sue writer making every other woman in her story look insipid and bitchy. This is a new and shocking trend.

"NO CLOUD LIKES ME MORE!" yelled Tifa, she pulled Cloud's arm.

"NO CLOUD LIKES ME THEN YOU!" Aeris yelled too, then she grab his other arm and pulled it. Cloud was swing back and forth between the girls.

Cid: (muttering) Lucky bastard.

Cloud was getting sick to his stomick. Nikki and Reno was laughing their butts off. Sephiroth was abit up set. I was standing behind him. I tug the back of his hair. He look at me.

Sephiroth: Oh, the ways I could prolong your death.

Reno: He does tend to get prissy about his hair, yo.

Sephiroth: (wordlessly radiates disdain for the world of all things red-haired and mulleted)

"What's wrong?" I asked. He turned his head back. He sigh. I pulled up a chair and sat next to him. He watched Tifa and Aeris fighting over Cloud. I look what he was looking at. He had his eyes on Aeris. I pat his back.

Sephiroth: Hmm, should I impale her with a running start, or leap down on her from a great height? Definitely the leap, I think...who the hell keeps touching me while I’m plotting?

"Why don't you ask her out Seph?" I said with a smile. He look at me in the corner of his eyes. Then he chackle and looked back at Aeris.

"She very prity..." He said in a low voice. I thought a little. I look at Nikki and Reno. They're still laughing at poor Cloud. I look back at Seph.

"If you like her that much, go get her tiger." I push her shoulder. He look at me upset.

Yuffie: Yeah, steal her tiger, that’ll get her attention.

"I would but... she doesn't has the hot for me"

RedXIII: Not a single hot. How sad.

"Will I do." He was a little shock. He turned his head quickly to face me.

Sephiroth: Who the hell is Will?

"What?" I could tell that he wish I would had never said that. But this true, I love him. The truth nothing but the truth. Nikki leaned on my shoulds.

RedXIII: (buries his head in his paws) I give up. I can’t even look at it anymore.

"Ahh So sweet Alex. You telling Seph you loved him." Nikki said in a sweet way.

Reeve: (throws an arsenal of thesauruses at the story) Damn these redundant adjectives!

Vincent: Adverbs. They are your friends.

I got out of my chair. And walk out of the launch room. I tried to keep a strait face. Well I was half way there, so much for a pocker face. I was hoping he like me more then Aeris. I guest some dreams don't come true. I stop and lean my head on Mr. Rufus class door.

"Alex... Miss Alex..." A girl with light brown hair ran to me. She grab my hand and pulled me off.

"What going on Wonder!" She pulled me to the Girl's locker room. Some of the girls was in towels. Other was in clothes.

"There is a monster in the locker room. The boys won't go in and kill it." Wonder point a the locker room's door.

Cloud: But since you got your friend killed fighting a dragon, you’re clearly the best person for the job!

Tseng: Heaven forbid we call any teachers for this...

"It's a girl's locker rooms. And we are men." Cid said and he cross his arms.

Cid: What in the hell am I doing there?! And why ain’t I panty raiding the lockers?

I was disgeast.

Sephiroth: As am I.

"Men... more as boys to me." I walked into the locker room. I was hearing mummbleing.

Tifa: It’s even more indistinct than mumbling.

In the shower I found Vincent. He look like he was beated up.

Reno: (snrk) You got beat up in the girls’ locker room, Valentine?

Vincent: No... I just wake up in strange places when Chaos has taken over.

I ran out and said. "Wonder go to the launch room and get Reno and Nikki!"

Cid: One of the oxygen tanks is fucked! Abort! Abort!

Wonder nodded and ran off.

"Cid came in here and help me." Cid look at me like I was nuts.

"Heck no..." He said, I grab his color and pulled him in.

Barrett: She pulled him in by his Caucasian.

Later on Vincent sat up in his bed like he had a nightmare. He was breathing deeply. Tseng step in his room to check on him. Vincent was still dizzy. Tseng stooled next to Vincent's bed.

"What happen?" Vincent asked, Tseng move his head sideway. Wonder, Nikki and I peek in Vincent's room. Then Reno and Sephiroth pulled us out of the door way.

"That what I want to know... you ben gone for six mounth." Tseng said in a low voice. The girls and I leaned against the door to hear what happen. Vincent was in deep thought.

"All I remmber is getting hit behide my head and had a dream that I was being an exspearment.

Aerith: A former chewing gum flavour?

Tseng: A retired weapons rack?

RedXIII: (whimpers)

And Mr. Hojo was there too. Then I woke up in the girl's locker room." The girls and I look at each other. Maybe Hojo is behine this. Don't know, maybe he is.

Cloud: What other hints do you need? Flashing neon? A Broadway rendition of “It’s Great to be a Mad Scientist” sung by Hojo? Puppets with flashcards saying “This is a villain”? Should we give him a black handle-bar mustache to twirl while he ties kittens to railroad tracks?

Tifa:’ve put thought into this, haven’t you?

Sephiroth: Hmm, I didn’t rape anyone this time. I think we’ve broken our streak.

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