Final Fantasy VII: MST3K

BY : Kiune
Category: Final Fantasy VII > General
Dragon prints: 899
Disclaimer: We do not own Final Fantasy VII or MST3K nor do we make money from it. But we do own you.

Authors’ Note: The fanfiction being MST’ed currently is an excerpt from the fanfiction “Revival of the Departed” by, Jdee. We highly recommend you read the original story as it is actually quite awesome. We just wanted to give one part a friendly roast just for the fun of it… because Cloud fights Sephiroth naked and we just can’t pass this up.

And for this episode’s drinking game, drink every time the story mentions Mako eyes. Cid will point them out for your drunken convenience. Because when you’re drunk, you should trust your local Level 99 Crusty Old Dragoon.

The cast file back into the theater after a long reprieve only to find Zack is already sitting in the front row, bemused look on his face.

Cloud: Zack! What are you doing here?
Zack: I’m not sure, apparently another author has resurrected me. I found myself here after being paired with Reno.
Aerith: Resurrecting from the dead, that’s stupid.
Sephiroth: Not to mention extremely annoying.
Vincent: You whippersnappers think you have it rough, at least you came back from the dead in your original forms.
Tifa: (sigh) Let’s just get this over with.

“Revival of the Departed” by, Jdee

Zack looked up at the door hearing the footsteps depart and he sighed. The shower hadn’t helped him one bit, just cleaned his body, not his mind.

Zack: I thought men purposefully took their dirty thoughts to the shower with them.
Tifa: (sighs) We really must invest in a brain-scrubbing shower attachment.

‘Mother… is coming…’

RedXIII: Is…is Sephiroth speaking in bold font?
Sephiroth: Behold, power of my manly disembodied voice.

Zack’s eyes widened hearing Sephiroth’s voice. “What when?”

‘Soon… we should give her a welcoming present.’

Cloud: Why do I have the feeling it won’t be a toaster?

“Dare I ask what?” Zack frowned.

Sephiroth: Oh, if I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise.

He felt the sudden impact slam him in the chest and he looked to the side seeing the long silver hair falling over his shoulder. His eyes widened as he felt the pain that seemed to rip through his limbs the familiar feeling of Sephiroth taking over his body.

‘Cloud’s head…’

Cloud: What’s the return policy on my head?
Tifa: Store credit.

Zack felt his body drop to the ground in pain and he whined, it was more painful now than ever he didn’t understand two days, he was told he had two days.

“Stop… not now.” He groaned trying to pull away from the door.

Zack: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.

Glancing to his hand he saw the familiar gloves, then the sleeve of the familiar jacket, Zack looked down seeing the trousers and he could feel his heart race in panic…

Cloud: Yeah, the fact that Sephiroth can fit into those scares me too.

…normally the transformations were quick and over before he knew it. But this was slow and painful.

‘I’m going to enjoy this…’

Barret: Bagel
Cid: Cigar
Aerith: Potato Salad

Zack’s body fully hit the ground. The last thing in his sight was the long silver hair lying directly in his view.



Cloud stepped out of the shower as he heard something hit the ground from the room where Zack was. He wrapped the towel round his waist turning the shower off.

Cloud: Why is it I’m always naked at the beginning of fanfictions?

Stepping out of the bathroom he stopped dead seeing the long black leather jacket, the mako green eyes staring at him, the long silver hair flowing to his knees.

‘Good to see you… Cloud. Sephiroth seemed to smirk. ‘It’s time to make you pay.’

Cloud: Reeeeal original, Sephy. You had an entire year to come up with a new opening line.

Cloud looked down the hall to his room, where Tifa was, Sephiroth had once asked him what it was he treasured the most, so he could take it away. Truth was at this very moment Tifa and Zack were the two who he did treasure the most.

RedXIII: He no longer cared about the children.

“What do you want?” Cloud glared at Sephiroth.

Sephiroth seemed to smirk at him. ‘Zack was hurt by your betrayal… No one is allowed to hurt him… no one but me.’

Cloud: But he always really enjoyed the kinky shit.

Cloud froze. ‘Zack was hurt by me and Tifa?’ He thought.

Tifa: So we both worked him over?
Cid: *drool* Tifa in a dominatrix outfit…
Yuffie: Heh, nice spear Cid.

Cloud looked up in to the mako green eyes.

Cid: Alright everyone! Take a shot for every time “mako eyes” are mentioned, mako orbs counts too.

…He had no weapon, no clothes, armed in nothing but a towel the enemy who had plagued his dreams and memories stood before him, probably set to kill him.

“So you want revenge?” Cloud asked glancing to the kids room,

Cloud: The kids… yeah, go kill them instead.

Zack had been staying in there. That meant the nearest weapon Zack’s buster sword was there… at least he hoped it was.

Tifa: Why are we keeping the dangerously armed undead sexual sub in our adopted children’s room, exactly?

Cloud saw the smirk on Sephiroth’s face. The thing was how could he move past this man with no weapon and how could he fight this man knowing it was Zack’s body Sephiroth was using as a host.

His eyes closed for a moment his thoughts analyzing the situation.

“Revenge… retribution… reprisal… justice…

Sephiroth: Vengeance…comeuppance…payback…reckoning…

Vincent: (reaches over and confiscates Sephiroth’s thesaurus)

…call it what you will, but it runs deeper than what you could possibly imagine.”

Cloud’s eyes shot open and he looked up at Sephiroth understanding suddenly. Sephiroth was gaining emotions his essence trapped inside Zack he was getting attached and living out Zack’s inner feelings that his friend couldn’t and wouldn’t do.

He hoped it wasn’t a mutual bond that was being formed.

“You’ve become attached to him.” Cloud spoke.

“I have always been partial to him…”

Sephiroth: With fava beans, and a nice chianti.

Mako green eyes seemed to stare Cloud down as if analyzing his words, his movements.

Everyone: MAKO EYES! (Takes their first shot)

“You like him.” Cloud stated, it wasn’t a question, he didn’t need to ask, he knew.

“His innocence, naivety, grew on me…

Sephiroth: Like mildew on a shower curtain.

…just like a puppy.”

Red XIII: Puppies grow on Sephiroth?
Aerith: Maybe after we defeat him this time, we can plant him and get a puppy tree!
Sephiroth: (sighs) I’m getting the impression people don’t take me as seriously as they once did.

Sephiroth smirked. “Do I detect concern Cloud?”

Cloud’s eyes narrowed. “What do you think?”

“I think you want to kill me again… but you know that you can’t.”

Cloud shot past Sephiroth diving in to the room rolling across the ground he grabbed the buster sword spinning round blocking the blow from the Masumune and looking up at the Mako green glare.

Cid: Oop, Mako glare counts, drink up. (takes a shot)

“I was right… you do want to kill me.”

“What ever gave you that idea!” Cloud growled pushing back on the sword shoving Sephiroth back for the moment.

Sephiroth chuckled at the blonde who glared up at him. It was a new look, Cloud had on hi face.

Zack: Then he put on his “bye” face and left.

It wasn’t fear it wasn’t anger it was jealousy.

“You did… It’s written all over your face. You want him.”

Cloud: What? (starts rubbing his face vigorously.)
Sephiroth: No no! It’s a figure of speech, you moron. You fail at metaphors.

Cloud looked taken aback for the moment, his grip changed on the buster sword and Sephiroth saw the glare.

“Maybe I do… but I want you gone more!” Cloud charged and Sephiroth leapt up avoiding the swing of the blade.

He slipped out of the room and in to the hallway. Cloud was close behind he only stopped to hold the towel up. Sephiroth saw the shock on his face as he looked beyond him, behind at someone standing behind them in the hallway.

“Cloud I heard a noise.” The female voice spoke.

Tifa: I figured either the cat had fallen down the stairs, or Zack had manifested as Sephiroth again.
Aerith: Zack turning into Sephiroth sounds like a cat falling down the stairs?
Cloud: Yeah, we thought yowling and thumping was really weird too.

Sephiroth looked over his shoulder. Tifa stood there holding the sheet round herself, as she stared at him.

“What have you done to Zack?” She whispered.

Sephiroth: I’ve metaphysically possessed his body, turning it into mine, so I can attack Cloud powered by Zack’s repressed jealousy as my first step in an overly elaborate scheme to take over the world again. …Wasn’t that obvious?
Tifa: Oh… of course.
Zack: Again I say…what??

“He’s merely sleeping, exhausted from everything ShinRA put him through.”

“He better be only sleeping, if I find you’ve hurt him-” Cloud began

Sephiroth scoffed. “Why would I destroy my host? It’s a reckless move that would not serve me any purpose. Not until I found a better suited one at least.”

Sephiroth: Maybe I’ll possess Tifa’s body instead. I always wondered what it would be like to have breasts.

Truth was he was already contemplating Quinn the revenge for taking mother away from her host and away from him, he could make it work better in that youth’s body he would have access to Zack’s physical body instead of his mental one.

Cloud looked at Tifa, she seemed to be in partial shock at seeing Sephiroth it had been nearly two years since she had seen him in the flesh last.

Vincent: And what a flesh it was.
Aerith: Given Sephiroth’s flesh much thought, have you Vincent?
Vincent: I don’t know why people seem continually surprised. In case you hadn’t noticed, the official Turks’ sexual preference is “yes.”

“TIFA!” Cloud shouted attracting her attention. “Call Tseng, Rufus, Reeve whoever let them know…

Zack: It’s been thirty minutes and we still don’t have our pizza!

…it didn’t work!”

Cid: Let’s get the whole gang here to watch the imminent naked swordfight!

Tifa nodded and she ran in to the bedroom the door closing after her.

Sephiroth watched the door and the corner of his mouth titled up in a smirk.

Sephiroth: Hah. Puny door. You are no match for me. You shall suffer my unending wrath.

“I will get to them eventually… they will pay for what they did to mother and Zack.” He turned to face Cloud. “Is she still dear to you? Like the ancient was?”

Zack: Too soon, man, too soon.

“Don’t you dare.” Cloud warned as he spun the Buster Sword round, it was too closed off to fight, but he knew he couldn’t lure Sephiroth out of Seventh Heaven either after seeing Tifa inside.

“I’m gathering that is a yes then.” Sephiroth smirked.

“Leave her out of this… it’s between you and me Sephiroth.”

Tifa: Oh, so I’m allowed to play with Zack, but not Sephiroth? I see how it is. (sulks)

Sephiroth nodded his head in acknowledgement. “The thing is when it involves you, it tends to involve everyone. Have you not noticed that?”

Aerith: Yeah, haven’t you noticed that whenever something happens to you we all get fucked over… and I die.
Cloud: (angst)

He stepped towards Cloud.

Cloud stood his ground till Sephiroth stood over him towering over him, looking down in to those blue eyes that only glared at him with a new hatred.

Barrett: Can we just start drinking every time it mentions eyes, period?
Cid: (pauses from chugging down the whiskey) Sorry, what’d you say?

“Let Zack go.” Cloud spoke.

Cloud: Let my people go!

“Why would I even think of doing such a thing?” Sephiroth chuckled. “Though… I would find it irresistible to have him squirm under me as Reno did.”

Cid: You fucked Reno? Didn’t the yo-ing get really annoying after awhile?
Sephiroth: The ball-gag helped.

Cloud shook his head as if to shake the image from his head. “Don’t…”

Cloud: Don’t make me imagine Reno naked.

Sephiroth laughed and dodged the slash from the blade. He looked at the hilt seeing the gold trim of Angeal’s sword.

“That sword again…” Mako green flickered to look at Cloud’s blue eyes.

Cid: Mako!
Barrett: Eyes!
All: Mako eyes! (drink)

Cloud looked at the sword. Before he charged Sephiroth who phased out and then behind Cloud grabbing on to the towel.

Barrett: Wait, you can phase now?! What the hell??
Vincent: And you used your newfound powers to disrobe Cloud?
Sephiroth: Sure, who wouldn’t.

Cloud gasped as he felt the touch of leather against his back and Sephiroth’s voice by his ear.

Zack: Hey, I’d gasp too. Rowr!

“I hate that…

Aerith: Towel.
Tifa: Haircut.
Yuffie: Wall paper.


Everyone: Oooohhh…

“You mean this sword!” Cloud swung it round.

Cid: Right round. Like a record, baby. Right round, round, round.

Sephiroth jumped back out of range and looked at him from under silver bangs.

“I will never be a memory ever again.”

“You could have fooled me.” Cloud raced at him and Sephiroth jumped down the stairs Cloud following.

Masumune and buster sword met with a loud metallic clang. Mako green eyes glared over silver blades at blue eyes glaring evenly back.

Tifa: (starts tallying up color, eye, and Mako references) We’re going to need more alcohol. …Anyway: MAKO EYES!
Everyone: MAKO EYES! (slugs back another round)

“I’ve been thinking…” Sephiroth began. “Of the best way to avenge the pain, you have made Zack endure.”

Sephiroth: And what I came up with was possessing him and making him have sex with the whole cast.

“I never meant to hurt him!” Cloud shoved back.

Cloud: Or did I? (suggestive eyebrow)
Zack: Later, babe.

Cloud managed to push Sephiroth in to the door the entrance to the bar. Only a few more and they could have reign of the street away from Tifa and the possibility of her getting caught in the crossfire.

Tifa: The cross-fire of swords?
Yuffie: Are they shooting laser beams or something?
Barrett: Well if Sephiroth can do his “beam-me-up-Scotty” trick, then we might as well have laser swords.
Reeve: Or light sabers.

Sephiroth seemed to understand as he turned the handle and the door open and he jumped back avoiding the swing. He stopped seeing the dumb apple…

Yuffie: Is this apple particularly stupid?
Zack: It’s a long story, at least the way Angeal tells it. Man, I’m just glad to get out of the Lifestream and away from his honour speeches – I don’t care how many people Sephiroth makes me fuck.

…sitting on the counter of the bar and his eyes narrowed before he looked around. He knew Genesis, the pretty boy would be lying in wait.

Vincent: Because nobody can just stay DEAD in this universe.

Genesis wasn’t waiting for Zack. He was waiting for him. The question was how long did he have to finish Cloud off before Genesis decided to make his grand appearance more than likely in his Loveless style?

Zack: Oh God, it’s that fucking poem again!
Vincent: And people think I spout melodramatic emo poetry.

“You seem suddenly concerned.” Cloud smirked, a bit too cockily for his liking.

“I merely do not want us to be interrupted.” Sephiroth stated.

Cloud looked behind inside at the apple. “What because of Genesis? He’s been gone a while. Why would Genesis interrupting concern you?”

Cloud: You’re not up for a threesome?
Zack: Not if we have to listen to Loveless the whole time, no.
Sephiroth: Maybe if I got that ball-gag back from Reno…

Sephiroth smirked phasing in pinning Cloud to the outside of the wall of Seventh Heaven.

“Why indeed… Cloud.” Sephiroth replied with a smirk, his mouth moving over the blondes.

RedXIII: There are multiple blondes?
Tifa: Is he making out with the Swedish synchronized swim team?

Chapter Twenty-Six

Yuffie: Ah, crap there’s more.

Tifa held the phone to her ear as it continued to ring. She had tried Tseng at work, at his house on his cell but he hadn’t picked up. It wasn’t like him at all and she rubbed her…

Cid: Nipples


Cid: Aw.

She looked out the window Cloud and Sephiroth were outside she had heard the door open and knew Cloud did it to protect her. She felt hope that despite his feelings for Zack he still had something in there reserved just for her.

Still neither was in her sight just yet and it worried her as she hung up and went through her rolodex…

Cloud: Who the hell uses a rolodex these days?
Tifa: I don’t know, who runs outside to duel his arch-nemesis in a towel?
Cloud: Touché.

…trying to find Reeve’s number. She picked up the phone while flipping through the rolodex hitting redial while she located Reeve’s number.
Tifa stopped as she heard something hit the trashcans and she looked seeing Cloud stagger in to view, the phone to her ear the ringing forgotten as she watched Cloud wipe his mouth and spit to the side shooting a glare in the direction she guessed was Sephiroth’s.

“Tseng here.” She blinked hearing his voice answer.

Tifa: Wait, Tseng? I thought I was calling Reeve.
Reeve: (blushes) You did…Tseng is just in my bedroom for…no reason.

“Where have you been?!” Tifa exclaimed.

Zack: (as Tseng) Elena ran in saying Sephiroth had possessed her and I had to have sex with her to keep him subdued.

She could just picture Tseng raising an eyebrow to that comment. “Excuse me?”

“It’s Tifa.” She stated.

“It’s three am I take it this is regarding Zack.” Tseng commented.

“Sephiroth woke up.” Tifa blurted out. “Cloud’s fighting him right now.”

Tifa: …in a towel.

The other end went silent for a good thirty seconds before Tseng spoke.

Vincent: (as Tseng) In a towel?

“That’s impossible how could he-?”

Reeve: (as Tseng) –fight in a towel?

He stopped again. “Quinn succeeded then, it’s the only logical explanation.”

Red XIII: I don’t think logic enters into this.

She heard Tseng turn round like he was in bed. “Elena!”

Zack: (as Tseng) You told me Sephiroth was inside you…I feel so used…

Tifa listened as a door opened and the sound of a shower going made her blink. Elena was in Tseng’s shower?

Cid: Reeve, how many Turks are you keeping at your place?
Vincent: You have to keep them in pairs, or they get lonely. Like hamsters.

“Tseng?” Elena asked.

“Call Quinn get a report on Jenova’s whereabouts instantly I want to know where she is and who she’s inside.”


Aerith: I certainly don’t want to know who Jenova’s inside.
Yuffie: (snickers) Your mom’s inside someone.
Sephiroth: None of you are going to let this go, are you?
Cloud: Oh come on, with all these Oedipal complexes your psyche is a Freudian wet dream.
Narrator: Please stop…I never want to hear the words “Freud” and “wet dream” in the same sentence ever again.

Tseng spoke to her quickly. “Tifa, how is the battle looking?”

Tifa: Uhhh, suggestive?

“Not to good Sephiroth caught Cloud unaware. But Cloud lured him outside away from me so I could call you.” Tifa explained.
“I’ll try to locate Genesis and send him that way. I know he’s been waiting for this moment.”

Reeve: The chance for the ultimate poetry attack – the Coitus Interruptus!

Tseng replied. “Do not try to get close unless you feel Cloud needs more weapons. Sephiroth is easily jealous. If he feels Zack is threatened he will strike at those who he believes is hurting him.”

Tifa looked on at Cloud seeing him spin, duck and dodge Sephiroth’s slashes of the Masumune.

Vincent: No, there’s nothing remotely homoerotic about this game…just two extremely effeminate men penetrating each other with huge phallic symbols until they’re both bloody and exhausted.
Cid: (chanting) Straight thoughts, straight thoughts, straight thoughts…

Her hand touched the glass. Sephiroth was attacking Cloud which meant Zack had probably heard everything and Sephiroth reacted woken up by jealousy and Jenova’s new movements. Her hand moved to her mouth.

“Tifa can you hear me what happened do you know?” Tseng asked.

“Cloud… he and I… we…” She trailed off.

Tifa: Let’s just say Sephiroth is deeply pissed off by heterosexuality.
Sephiroth: No, I’m upset because I wasn’t invited.

She heard Tseng clear his throat. “Say no more… I understand. I’ll be there as soon as I can if I can get a hold of Genesis. Stay out of their way. Sephiroth will probably not think too much of you at this moment.”

“Okay.” Tifa whispered.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” She heard Tseng end the call and she placed the phone back of the hook. 
Tifa looked out at Cloud and Sephiroth the fight didn’t look like it was a proper battle but it defiantly resembled a battle of men over a women, she had seen it outside the bar plenty of times before.

Barrett: Except the woman is Zack.

Cloud glanced up seeing Tifa watching them looking out through the glass and he felt the concern in his heart ache. Sephiroth had hurt her once before and Cloud had managed to get to her while she lay near where Zack’s near unconscious form had fallen. He had cradled her unconscious body in his arms. That same dread shot through him and he looked at Sephiroth who stood there watching him that over confidant smirk…

Sephiroth: I don’t know why everyone keeps calling my smirk overconfident, I seem to be kicking Cloud’s ass.
Zack: You seem to have been doing more to it than that lately.

…on his pale features, he understood, he actually understood. Zack would rather die than see anyone he cared about hurt like that again.

“Zack… I’m sorry.” He whispered and charged at Sephiroth sword raised.

Sephiroth saw Cloud charge he blocked the blow…

Yuffie: …job.

…and Cloud jumped back the buster sword blocking his torso as he glared at him.

A look flashed crossed Cloud’s face and Sephiroth’s eyes narrowed.

Sephiroth could feel Zack’s emotions hitch.

Cid: And then a slot machine thingy appeared out of nowhere and Zack randomly remembered the time he bought Cloud lunch and it gave him super strength.
Zack: Yeah, my battle system was kinda weird, with all those random cut scenes it was like Final Fantasy VII meets Family Guy.

Sephiroth held the Masumune out in front of himself as Cloud leapt up bringing the blade down. Sephiroth leapt out of the way of the blade, spinning round he slashed outward. Cloud blocked the six foot sword and glaring over the metal as it ground together.

“You kill me… You destroy him…”

“If he’s willing to take that risk… then so am I!” Cloud spun round ducking under the blade before bringing the buster sword up vertically.
Sephiroth twirled out of the way then behind Cloud grabbing on to the back of the towel yanking it free from the blonde’s body.

Everyone: Woooo! Take it off!

“Are you really?” Sephiroth whispered in his ear.

Cloud sucked in a breath. Naked in front of his enemy was never a good look especially when he seemed to sexually draw the energy from those he came into contact with.

“Such a good look Cloud.” Sephiroth seemed to taunt him.

Cloud: You like it? I call it, Nudity…by Strife.

Cloud’s eye just narrowed looking at Sephiroth. “You’re not winning again.”

“Oh but I will and I will have you under me again… like the first time.”

Cloud felt the blush but he managed to keep the glare on his face.

“You used Zack’s form to trick me!”

Sephiroth: But I still got laid didn’t I?

“Yet you enjoyed it.” Sephiroth chuckled darkly.

Cloud slashed the buster sword out Sephiroth dodged with ease. Mako green eyes seemed to glow menacingly while the corner of his mouth tilted up
in an ever confidant smirk.

“It’s not going to happen again!”

“I believe it is.”

Cloud: Nah-uh!
Sephiroth: Yea-huh!
Cloud: Will not!
Sephiroth: Will too!
Cloud: Will not times a thous- (he falls silent at the sound of Vincent cocking his gun)

Cloud didn’t even have time to dodge let alone blink before Sephiroth was upon him, the mouth searing his hotly, and all Cloud could see beyond the flow of long silver hair was the black jacket floating off to the side as he felt a hand grabbing on to his length giving it a tight pull.

Cloud: Ow! Hey, don’t pull on that!

The action made Cloud hiss between teeth, his face heating up he turned his head to the side so not to look at Sephiroth’s smirking face.

Lips coated up his neck…

Aeris: Good lord man, how much lip gloss are you wearing?

…and he let out a rush of breath startled, hand gripping the sword he felt the blade pull from him.

It clattered to the ground at their feet as his hand was twisted behind his back. His other hand went to strike at Sephiroth but it stopped as a firm stroke along his length made his hips buck up unwillingly.

Zack: Sure, “unwillingly.”

“Ah! W-What are you-?” He began but was cut of as the lips that devoured his neck found his mouth and tongue probed inside forcing its way past his lips.

Sephiroth: I’m jerking you off in the middle of a sword fight! What does it look like I’m doing?

‘Tifa…’ His eyes flickered up and he saw her face as she looked down shocked by the sudden turn of events.

Tifa: …what the hell are they doing now?
Yuffie: Each other, apparently.

“I’m taking you what does it look like?” Sephiroth smooth voice seemed to ooze out in reply as he broke the kiss.

Vincent: If being naked in front of your enemy was a bad idea, letting him shove his tongue down your throat is an even worse battle tactic.

Cloud heard Sephiroth kick the blade to the side. Cloud’s head turned and watched as the blade skittered across the ground. The distraction seemed to be enough for Sephiroth and Cloud’s feet were swept out from under him he landed on his back,

Cloud: Whaaagh!

Sephiroth standing over him Masumune in hand.

Cloud went to jump to his feet when the pain shot through his left wrist and he flinched, hissing out between his teeth. He turned his head to the side to look at the Masumune pinning his left wrist to the ground.

Cloud could feel his heart begin to race seeing the blood.

Cloud: AHH! Oh god I forgot the safety word! I’m going to die of sex!
Sephiroth: Too bad… no safety word, no mercy.

Sephiroth dropped to his knees over him, he watched the former General unbuckle his belt pulling it off and Cloud’s other hand was yanked above his head before being wrapped in the leather before being tied round the blade that held his left wrist so firmly in to the ground.

Cloud: Oh Christ what was that word… was it uhh, screwdriver! No, pancakes! Shit, that wasn’t it…uh… CABBAGE!
Sephiroth: …Please do not shout “cabbage” while I’m raping you.

Cloud tried to buck the General off him pulling at his bound wrist, but there was no success, he let his guard down for a moment and it was a moment to long.

“ZACK! ZACK WAKE UP!” Cloud shouted at Sephiroth.

Zack: What what? Mpfff… five more minutes…

Inside there somewhere was Zack he knew he had to be in there.

“I’m afraid Zack is tired and sleeping it off…”

Sephiroth: You and Tifa were pretty rough on him last night.
Cid: *nosebleed*

Sephiroth seemed to smirk leaning over Cloud his mouth moving lower down Cloud’s chest.


Everyone but Cloud: (singing) Hey! (hey!) You! (you!) Get off of my Cloud!
Cloud: …I hate that song and I hate all of you.

“Oh I plan to.” The sexual innuendo obvious from the smooth voice of his captor.

Vincent: Really?! Sexual innuendo? In this fight scene?

“CLOUD!” He looked up seeing Tifa the window open as she lent out it, the sheet hiding the curves he had buried himself in earlier that evening.
“TIFA STAY RIGHT THERE!” He shouted. ‘Please stay there.’ He silently begged.

Tifa: To hell with that, you expect me to miss out on this?

“Such a lovely woman, I admire her compassion, her love for you. I will break you first then I plan on breaking her before I kill you both.”

Sephiroth: I’ve got it all planned out on my palm-pilot.

Sephiroth’s hand found his length as he began to stroke it the leather glove playing up and down smooth, each stroke the grip tightening.
Cloud shook his head. “Don’t… you… dare.”

Everyone: Dare! Dare!

He hissed trying to control the shiver that ran through his body.

“Do you want to strike a deal Cloud?”

“I don’t cut deals.” Cloud gasped as Sephiroth’s grip on his hardening length tightened.

“To bad. I’ll leave you both alone if you forfeit Zack to me and me alone.”

Cloud’s eyes widened as he looked at Sephiroth. “Forfeit…” He repeated.

“Zack is to be mine.” Sephiroth lent down close, the silver hair cascading over his shoulders like a silver woven blanket as it covered them both.

Yuffie: Like a Snuggie of the Apocalypse.
Zack: Does that one come with the free book light?

Cloud could feel the very thought of loosing Zack again horrify him, he had been ready to kill Zack a moment ago, but to lose him to the enemy. It would be worse than death wouldn’t it?

“I won’t…”

“That’s too bad… Then you get to watch as I take her next and break her in half.”

Cid: Now why would you want to do that? Break a perfectly good woman in half, what’s wrong with you?

Cloud felt his arousal tugged hard and his hips unwilling bucked up in to the hand with a gasp. “Anything but Tifa and Zack…” he whispered. “I won’t see you hurt them again.”

Sephiroth’s mouth curled up into a smile. “Anything…” He repeated.

Cloud felt the hair as it slid down his body, the blanket of silver covering his throbbing member…

Sephiroth: My HAIR is molesting you!

…he looked down watching, leather gloved hands grip his thighs squeezing and he flinched for a nano second.

The mako green eyes looked up at him that pale body, that pale face stared him down in what felt like forever and the mouth opened.

Everyone: MAKO EYES! (drinks)

“Then moan my name. Tell me you want more of this.”

Cloud’s hips shot up as the lips took his aching arousal into his mouth.

“AH!” His back arched up.

Tifa: Fuck it! I’m getting some popcorn.

Cloud felt the pain shoot through his left arm as he moved to fast for his impaled wrist. He swallowed hard, he looked up at Tifa, he wanted her close but he didn’t want her hurt at the same time.

“S-Seph…” He began his eyes never leaving Tifa’s face. She looked close…

Cid: Yeah, I bet she did.

…to crying for him. “Sephiroth…” He felt the groan pass his mouth as he felt the tongue circling the tip of his arousal. “M-more…” He hissed hating himself at the same time.

Teeth compiled as they ran down the arousal and a tongue lavished its way back up.

RedXIII: Teeth accumulated and a tongue was generous?
Cloud: Yeah, kissing Sephiroth is complicated…or, um, so I’ve heard. (shifty eyes)

Cloud’s eyes never left Tifa’s face. He was going to leave her, abandon her for Zack and he felt the guilt tear him in half.

‘I’m sorry…’ He mouthed out to her.

Cloud: I’m sorry I’m getting a blow-job by my arch-nemesis with my wrist transfixed to the pavement.
Tifa: Happens to the best of us.

Her hand touched the window and he watched as she kissed her fingers before placing them to the glass.

Cloud: Oh great, now she kissed me good bye. Thanks for the vote of confidence, sweetie.

Cloud’s hips began to move in a rhythm…

Yuffie: And his arms began to do the Macarena, which is incredibly difficult to do with your wrist impaled and bleeding.

…thrusting up with a moan. He never realized how safe he truly had been with her shielded protected loved.

Tifa: (Poking her head back into the theater with interest) Yes? Am I being invited to join yet?

He gasped feeling leather gloves move to his entrance and he gasped as one figure pushed in to his entrance.

Cid: What the hell? Is he shoving action figures up his ass? Man, you are into some kinky shit.

“Hnnnn!” His hips thrust up into the mouth then down on to the finger, his hips rocking moving in time.

Vincent: It’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.

‘Tifa… Zack… Tifa… Zack…’

Sephiroth: No! I’m Sephiroth, can you focus please?

His head rolled back, his eyes opened and he saw Tifa still standing there.

Yuffie: Enjoying the show.

Cloud felt the second digit slip inside and he grunted his hips almost pulled back but he felt the wet feeling of Sephiroth’s mouth suck on him.

Cid: Now he’s sticking numbers up there?! I know we’ve watched some weird shit but this is getting ridiculous!

His head shot back slamming against the concrete hard and he groaned in pain. Fingers thrust in turning round in a slow torturing pumping action. The third joining quickly as the thrusts grew urgent.

“My name Cloud…” Sephiroth warned.

Cloud: No, your name Sephiroth, my name Cloud.

Cloud looked to the former General watching as he unzipped his pants slowly.

“S-Sephiroth…” He whispered and watched the former general’s arousal as it was freed from black leather pants.

Sephiroth thrust the three digits in harder and deeper making Cloud gasp his hips bucking up.

Cloud: Oh, great. I’m gonna be crapping math for weeks.

His now neglected arousal greeting thin cold air.

Cloud: And now my penis is cold and lonely, terrific.

“AH SEPHIROTH!” Cloud’s head rolled back as hips thrust up.

Sephiroth: Hmm, you sound good saying my name. You should consider joining my all-boys Sephiroth Choir; you can chant for me during battles and other moments of dramatic tension.
Yuffie: You like little boys chanting your name, do you?

The digits left his entrance and he watched Sephiroth crawl over him shedding his trousers along the way.

Zack: Well good, at least the scary pants are gone now.

Swallowing Cloud watching the former General as the head lowered, his mouth was captured a tongue slipping past his lips drawing his tongue out of his mouth.

His eyes closed, Sephiroth his enemy, the man he killed, the man housed inside Zack’s body, he shouldn’t be letting the enemy suck on his tongue.

Red XIII: No, no you really shouldn’t.
Aerith: But by all means please do!

The former General’s hand moved to the blade pushing it down more in to the ground.

Cloud’s mouth gaped open as he hissed in pain.

“CLOUD!” Tifa’s shout for him, he looked up seeing her worried face.

He hated her seeing this, he hated feeling this helpless and Sephiroth moved pulling back from the kiss, and hips moved over his head.
Sephiroth’s arousal hung near his mouth.

Cid: Jesus Christ! Is he hung like a fuckin’ blue whale or somethin’?
Vincent: I believe the mouth in question in Cloud’s.

“You know what to do Cloud.”

Cloud looked on eyes wide and he shook his head. “No.”

Cloud: No, no I don’t.
Barrett: *cough * BULLSHIT!

“Then I will kill her.”

“Don’t you dare!” Cloud shouted and he felt his hair grabbed and his head yanked back so it slammed against the ground hard.

“Then listen to me.” Sephiroth purred. “Take your punishment.”

Cloud’s eyes flickered to Tifa and he relented, his mouth opening taking the former General’s arousal in his mouth, he felt Sephiroth’s hand in his hair.

The ultimate humiliation,

Yuffie: The hand in his hair… I mean the arousal in his mouth, sorry.

Sephiroth’s arousal in his mouth, he slowly began to suck on the length that intruded his mouth, eyes closing.

Sephiroth groaned hips bucking in to Cloud’s mouth, his hand in the blonde’s hair, he thrust in to the warmth, back arching. He had wanted this ever since he had watched Cloud and Zack’s sexual encounters. Cloud’s talented mouth over him taking him in, sucking. It always felt best when his conquest was unwilling, that was his preference.

Tifa: I’m running out of popcorn…

“That’s good Cloud…” He smirked at the blonde, fingers rolling through the spikes. “Now harder.”

The blonde complied sucking harder.

Moaning Sephiroth thrust deeper in to the blonde’s mouth and he watched as his right wrist twisted in the binding of his leather belt.

“Sephiroth! Stop it!” he heard Tifa’s voice shouting at him. “You’re hurting him! Stop it! What do you want?!”

Sephiroth: I want to hurt Cloud, of course. What’s with all the obvious questions today?

He looked to the ebony haired woman the concern behind the brown eyes and he looked at her nearly exposed body and purred at the sight thrusting in deeper.

“What do I want?” Sephiroth repeated. His eyes flickered over her body, such a womanly body with gracious curves that men would die for, her body he could see why Cloud lost himself in the woman. “I want… you… to

Yuffie: Make me a sandwich.
Vincent: Buy war bonds.
RedXIII: File my taxes.

…come down here.”

Tifa: Finally!

‘Sephiroth don’t you dare!’ Zack’s voice shot out from the dark.

Tifa’s eyes widened and she went to pick up a jacket.

Sephiroth: Not that one!

“As you are!” He shouted, his hand yanking Cloud’s hair pulling the blonde’s head back thrusting in deeper, letting his climax release in the blonde’s mouth.

She flinched and he watched her vanish from the window. He pulled back from Cloud’s mouth.

“That should be sufficient enough Cloud.”

Sephiroth: That’s enough oral sex for one day.

Cloud coughed turning his head to the side coughing and spitting out the semen.

Aerith: It really is an acquired taste.

He shot Sephiroth a darkened glare.

“You said.”

“You didn’t suck hard enough.”

Sephiroth: It just didn’t seem like you cared.

Cloud tried to yank his wrist free and he hissed feeling it yank the blade imbedded in his wrist. The pain shot up his arm and he gasped for air.

Sephiroth’s hand moved through the blood oozing on to the concrete. Cloud swallowed he was feeling the effects of the blood loss his head spinning,he was sure he would pass out. But he knew Tifa was coming down those stairs, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t he would refuse to let unconsciousness take him.

Aerith: But Sephiroth taking him was all fine and dandy.

Sephiroth was writing on his chest in blood…

Barrett: I can’t see, what’s he writing?
Sephiroth: Eggs, milk, bread, Doritos, I’m running out of blood for my grocery list, Cloud. I may have to stab you again.

…Cloud looked to the door, he prayed and hoped Tifa had grabbed a weapon. Any weapon.

Sephiroth slid down his body…

Yuffie: Like a Slip-n-Slide.
Sephiroth: WHEEEE! Er, I mean, death…destruction…chaos.

…and Cloud felt his hips raised.

Cid: I’ll see your Sephiroth’s length and raise you Cloud’s hips!

He let out a cry as he felt the intrusion past the ring of muscle at his entrance, his back arched and he watched the blood covered glove grab his arousal and begin to stroke.

Cloud hissed at the grip as he felt Sephiroth’s thrusts slamming against his hips.

Cid: There once was a hero named Cloud, Whose ass was publicly plowed.
Cloud: I’ll give you 2,000 gil not to finish that limerick.

Sephiroth saw the door to Seventh Heaven open and Tifa stepped out, he looked at the woman wrapped in a sheet and he smirked.
“Tifa…” Cloud groaned.

She raced up to him dropping to her knees by his head her hands pushing the hair from his face.

Cloud: Stroking my hair is nice and all, but could you do something about the HUGE FUCKING SWORD in my arm?

“Cloud…” Her hand stroked his face comforting him. “Just hang on.”

Cloud nodded his head.

Her mouth moved over his.

Tifa: Hmmm… what’s that weird salty tast—oh. Right. ….Does anyone have a breath mint?
Sephiroth: (offended huff)

Sephiroth watched the exchange thrusting inside Cloud deeper with a groan. Tifa pulled back at Cloud’s groan of pain and brown eyes turned to glare at him.

“Stop it! You’re hurting him!”

Sephiroth: I know I’m hurting him! That’s the point!
Tifa: Yes, but that’s my job!
Cid: (gapes for a moment before his head finally explodes)
Vincent: (fastidiously brushes brain off his cloak before tossing a Phoenix Down in Cid’s direction)
Cid: (sits up foggily with feathers in his hair)

Sephiroth chuckled. His hand shot out grabbing her hair pulling her to him.

“Tifa!” Cloud shouted.

Sephiroth’s mouth captured her soft lips as he thrust in to Cloud again, harder and deeper.

RedXIII: Shouldn’t the neighbors be at least a little curious about the armed orgy going on outside?

Tifa thumped him on the chest trying to push back.

He could feel mother in the distance she had found a host, soon they would be reunited, he had to gather strength for her.

Stroking Cloud again he let Tifa’s mouth go, pushing her back roughly as he felt Cloud’s length shudder. He looked down seeing evidence of Cloud’s climax over his glove.

Sephiroth: (holds the glove with distaste) Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A.

Tifa landed on the concrete next to Cloud she looked at him, the pain on his face was obvious. She was a martial artist, in normal situations she would have taken Sephiroth on. She would have attacked Sephiroth herself but if she hurt the former General Zack would be the one who was left to recover from the bruises the cuts.

“Just let them both go…” She whispered.

Sephiroth groaned and she heard Cloud hiss his wrist turning and she watched as Sephiroth pulled his arousal free of Cloud. She swallowed seeing the evidence of Sephiroth’s climax.

He stood up and she blinked as he turned round heading towards Seventh Heaven, he paused to look over his shoulder.

“You will abide by my terms if you wish for Cloud to be left alone.”

“Tifa don’t…” Cloud looked at her desperately.

Cloud: Don’t abide by his terms, I’m secretly enjoying this.
Sephiroth: (raised eyebrow) That was supposed to be a secret?
Cloud: …get your hand off my thigh.

She nodded her head slowly. “What do you want?”

“Follow me to find out.”

Tifa’s eyes widened. She shot Cloud a worried look.

Vincent: Yes, follow the depraved homicidal naked man into a dark enclosed space with no witnesses. Fantastic.

Cloud shook his head. “Tifa!” He shouted at her as she stood up following Sephiroth her head lowered. “TIFA!” He watched as the door shut after them. “TIIIFA!”

Everyone: ADRIAN!!

His head dropped back to the ground and he lifted his right wrist using the Masumune to attempt to cut through the leather slowly so not to damage the tendons in his already numb left wrist.

“Hold on.” He could feel the desperation as his heart raced, the memory of Aerith’s death flashing in the back of his mind. Sephiroth would not take Tifa. He would not let it happen again… No one else needed to die.

Sephiroth: Oh, there are plenty of people who need to die.

There was a flash of red above his head and Cloud looked up as he caught sight of the golden metal boot landing by his head.

Yuffie: And it sliced into his skull and killed him, the end.

“Vincent.” He breathed.

Cloud: Have you come to have sex with me too?

Vincent’s hand moved to the hilt of the sword. “Clench your teeth.”

Vincent: (throws his cape back dramatically) I’m goin’ in.
Zack: Fortunately for you, Sephiroth kinda lubed him up already.

Cloud swallowed and the blade was yanked free. His right hand shot over his bleeding left wrist and he jumped to his feet grabbing the buster sword he charged at the door. His eyes narrowed. Sephiroth wouldn’t touch her. He wouldn’t allow it.

Vincent: What, no hello, nice to see you, thanks for freeing my arm?

Sephiroth turned round and looked at the woman standing in front of the bar he pushed her against the counter. She let out a grunt in pain, Cloud was out of energy but as a martial artist she had plenty, he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before, she was right under his nose.

Tifa: Because he’s a sexist pig.
Sephiroth: No, mother just gets jealous easily.
Yuffie: Eww.

He grabbed at the sheet pulling it from her body and she glared. He smirked.

Cid: She smiled. He snickered.
Aerith: She juggled. He applauded.
Yuffie: She shoots. He scores!

“I can see I will enjoy this.”

Sephiroth’s hand shot out and Tifa blocked spinning round her leg shot out and he caught it with his other hand holding on firmly. She looked at him with a glare before jumping up and round he ducked letting her leg go as the other moved over his head, her hand touched base with the counter top as she flipped back landing on the ground at the far end of the bar in a crouch her head shooting up giving him a direct glare.

Tifa: Wait, what am I doing?

“Not without a fight.” She vowed.

Sephiroth purred. “Just the way I like it.”

Tifa raced at him and he blocked her furry of fists…

Reeve: Whoa whoa whoa… let’s not involve furries or fisting in this story.

…before spinning behind her his hand touching base with the back of her neck and she fell forward, his arm shot out catching her as she slumped forward and he pulled her close, his mouth moving to hers, even unconscious she still had energy he could drain.

“For mother.” He whispered.


Cloud: No more Oedipal content!

Sephiroth turned his head as Cloud burst through the door and the blade shot forward right towards his stomach. Sephiroth dodged and then there was a flash of red wrapping round Tifa as she was pulled away.

Yuffie: Vincent was in his disembodied cape form.

Sephiroth looked to the blade imbedded in the wall. He smirked at Cloud the blonde falling to his knees, pale and ready to pass out.

He watched as Vincent set an unconscious Tifa down in a booth placing the sheet over her.

Red eyes meet his with a glare


“Sephiroth.” Vincent glared the scowl on his face obvious.

Sephiroth chuckled and looked to Cloud.

“Till next time… Cloud.”

Tifa: …Did Vincent just defeat Sephiroth with a glare?

Vincent: Yes. I am that awesome.

Cloud looked up and he saw the black wing shoot out and wrap around Sephiroth before there was a flash of white feathers and the wing opened to reveal one white wing and one black.

Zack’s form stood there and the raven haired man dropped to his knees then on to his hands gasping for air.

Zack: Ahh, man. What the hell did I do last night?
Yuffie: I think you mean who did you do last night.
Cid: And the answer is, everyone.

“Z-Zack…” Cloud breathed holding his bleeding wrist.

Mako blue looked at him apologetic, before Zack hit the ground unconscious.

Everyone: (slurs) MAKO EYESH! (drinks)

“Sephiroth’s intentions are getting darker now that Jenova’s spirit is on the loose.”

Cloud looked at Vincent who stood by Tifa’s unconscious form, he stood up his right hand cradling his left wrist and he sat in the booth opposite her.

“Vincent do you have any-?” He began.

Cid: Lube?
Aerith: Alcohol?
Barrett: Pants?
RedXIII: Threes? No? Go Fish.

Cloud felt the liquid being drained over his body and he watched the green flash and felt the effects of the potion immediately,

Yuffie: But Vincent had accidentally used loco weed, and Cloud started spinning in small circles and cutting himself.

…he removed his hand from his left wrist and he twisted it round before letting out a sigh at the healed flesh.

He looked to Zack unconscious on the ground. Vincent walked to the former SOLDIER picking him up and moving him to the booth next to Tifa sitting him down, only a small part at the back of Zack’s head had the silver through it.

Zack: Hooray! Unconscious picnic time!
Tifa: Erg, we look like dolls at one of Marlene’s tea parties.

Cloud let out a breath, the two he cherished the most unconscious in the booth opposite him. He just sat there looking at them.

“What do you plan to do?” Vincent asked.

Cloud continued to look at them. “I’m not sure.”

Cloud: But I’m thinking threesome.

“Can you kill him?” Vincent asked.

Cloud blinked for a moment looking at Zack. “I don’t know.”

THE END….(of chapter 26) fade to black.

Cloud: At least I was alive for this one.
Sephiroth: I wonder who I’ll rape in the next story?

A/N: Remember, we roast because we love the original one. Go read it, it fucking rocks… and how could you go wrong with chapters upon chapters of plot relevant sex?

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