FF7 Wonderland Story Or Reno Goes down the Rabbit

BY : SailorPoison
Category: Final Fantasy VII > General
Dragon prints: 628
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 6 The Duchess of Pepper and One Pig

For a moment Reno stands infront of the house. He hesitates to enter, not from manners of being shy, but because he is not sure what further chaos he will be stepping into. Before he can decide, a footman appears along the path and knocks on the door. Rather short and reminds him of Reeve but with squinty eyes. Another footman answers the door. He might as well be the twin of the first except his eyes are round like a frog’s eyes.

First footman hands to the second footman a letter. All this is done with a solemn manner.

First Footman, “The King has invited the Duchess to play croquet”

The letter is received and they both once again bow to each other. The second footman heads inside to the Duchess and closes the door. The first one just stands there with a stupid expression upon he’s face as drool trickles down his chin. Reno walks over and knocks on the door.

First Footman, “ No point in knocking, sir. Point one: I am on the same side as yourself. Point two: No one on the other side will hear her.” With that Reno swears he hears screaming and things being throw around, “There is too much chaos inside for anything to be heard.”

Reno, “ How the hell do I get inside?”

First footman rambles onward, “ But I suppose it is only polite that you knock. If I was on the other side, I would very well answer it for you. The knock being polite and all.”

Reno realizes there was no helping this simple creature, “How do I get inside?” he repeats in hope to get answered.

First Footman, “I shall have to sit here till tomorrow or the tomorrow afterward. “ At this point the door opened and a cup came flying out. The cup bounces of the footman’s head and into a tree, “Or even the day after that.” As if he didn’t feel it.”

Reno repeats his question again but louder, ” How the fuck do I get inside?!”

First Footman, “That is not the question to ask. Are you ever going to get in there? is the what you need to know.”

Reno is balling his hands into fists and grinding his teeth, “ The stupidity of this place is wearing thin and driving me nuts!”

First footman, “I shall sit here as long as I must. I can wait for days and days.”

Reno, “ What the hell am I suppose to do know?” he asks himself.

First footman believes that is addressed to him, “ Whatever the hell you want.” Starts to whistle to himself.

Reno decides to help himself inside, “ Fuck this.”

The door leads right into a large kitchen. At one end is the Duchess sitting on a three legged stool. The Duchess reminds him of Heidegger if the disgusting man was a woman. All sense this Duchess is a woman, he thinks and is not sure he wants to be proven wrong. The large woman is holding a baby as she leans over a cooking fire and stirring some sort of soup inside this old fashion Cauldron. Nearby was the cook who looks alot like Palmer. Reno can feel his eyes water as pepper seems to be in the very air. The source quite obvious as the duchess breaks from stirring to add lots of pepper into the soup.

Another thing that draws Reno’s attention is the grinning cat on the fireplace mantle. The cat has a resemblance to the ninja Yuffie, except with fur and cat appendages. Her smile is quite large and rather that of a mental patient.

Reno, “Why the hell is that cat smiling?”

Duchess, “ That is a just a Cheshire Cat. That is why.” Then with a sudden aggressive manner yells, “ Pig!”

This makes even a man like Reno jump some. Then he understands that last word was addressed to the baby. This left him startled somewhat. Also reminds him of his own rather hard childhood. Reno recalls having to endure insults and kicks as he was just another orphan of the streets.

Reno, “ I have no idea what a Cheshire cat is. How the hell am I suppose to know they can grin?”

Duchess, “ All of their kind can grin and most of them do.”

Reno, “ That’s something new.”

Duchess, “ It is amazing how little you really do know, Turk.”

Reno isn’t sure if he should be surprised she know what he is or be insulted by what she said. Decides that this time he shall let it slip by. This person might be useful. Yet, Reno finds the cook’s movement about too fascinating to even think of another question to ask. The large man moves the soup off the fire and proceeds to start throwing things at the large woman and her baby.

The Duchess seems to even notice when she was hit with items. The baby is crying alot. His volume never quite changing, thus hard to tell it if is also in pain. All this provides Reno with rather painful flashbacks of his childhood in the slums. Normally, Reno would not even care about this abuse. Some reason this strikes something deep inside the Turk.

Reno speaks in horrified manner, “ What the fuck are you people doing?! Are you people trying to kill that child?!”

Duchess gives Reno a look of disdain, “This world is too filled with busy bodies who can never learn to keep the fuck out of other’s business.”

Reno, “ Hell, I am the last person to have to say this but fuck that! Sometimes some shit has to be stopped! Would you have liked it if someone kicked your head off when you were a baby?”

Duchess, “ Heads coming off? Grand idea. Cut that little asshole’s head off!”

The cook seems more then pleased to obey the Duchess grabs a large hatchet from the wall. Reno is not impressed. He deftly moves under a broad sweep an sends a punch to the man’s stomach, taking away his breath. Cook collapses in a wheezing mess of blubber,

Duchess is too busy nursing the baby and singing to have noticed the cook was dropped swiftly by the visiting Turk.

‘ Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases. “

Then both Duchess and the baby sing.

‘ Wow! Wow! Wow! “

Duchess picks up the second verse. But now she is tossing the baby up and down in a haphazard manner. This upsets the baby into more loud screams.

I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!'

This time sings the chorus alone.

`Wow! wow! wow!'

Reno is just plain speechless to all this. This is makes the Cloud Bunny home look very preferable. His thoughts broken by the Duchess who addresses him again.

Duchess, “ Why don’t you nurse him a while! I have a croquet game to attend with that handsome King of Hearts!”

With that, she throws the baby to Reno and hurries out of the house. Reno quickly catches the flying baby with rather wide eyes. Yet the baby held a queer shape in his hands. Reminds Reno a starfish he once saw. The baby is snorting almost like a ShinRa Train. Reno has a rather hard time finding a correct manner to hold this squirming child.

Mind you, Reno is far from a hero. He never claims to be one. To imply he is a nice guy would be far more insulting then calling him a monster. Yet, here he is, carrying the bundle outside with him. Reno might murder, kidnap, and steal for his employer but he was not someone who could stand child abuse.

Reno, “ God, they are gonna kill the baby by how they carry on! I can’t leave this child in their care. Not saying I give a shit but maybe I can leave it somewhere better for its health. “

The baby gives Reno a rather odd grunt.

Reno, “ You know most babies don’t grunt.”

This fact now striking his attention. Most normal babies do not grunt. Maybe the baby is sick? Reno peels closer to see the baby’s face. He starts to see a very upturned nose that looks piggish. The eyes are smaller then any baby he has seen in his life. Black and beaded. Reno keeps walking holding what he thinks is the ugliest baby in the world. Tad on the small side as well.

Reno, “ You keep up all that snorting and you’ll grow up to be a fat pig like Palmer.”

The baby gives another weepish snort, he thinks. This makes Reno look even more closely at what he carries. That is when it dawns on him. This is a pig! Reno feels quite foolish and sets the pig down. Pig seems very happy to be free and trots off,

Reno, “ I suppose it is for the better. That would have been one rather ugly child or a handsome pig. What am I saying?! Next thing I know, I might started to give a damn about people.” Secretly he ponders of Palmer would be happier as a pig. Then the fat man could eat all he wanted. “ God, I need a beer.”

Just then, Reno rounds a curve and spots the Yuffie like Cheshire Cat sitting on high branch. The cat’s insane grin tells Reno that he must a source of great amusement.

Reno, “Maybe you might prove useful. Which direction should I go?”

Cheshire Cat giggles in a disturbing manner, “That all depends on where you want to go.”

Reno, “ I don’t care where I go.. “

Cheshire cat interrupts, “ Then if matters not where you go!”

Reno continues, “..... As long as I get out of this place.”

Cheshire, “That is easy enough. Just keep walking along the road, “ Points up ahead where the road splits into several directions. “The right path leads to The Eccentric old Pilot. Another path leads to the Disgruntle gunman. Both of them quite odd.”

Reno, “ The last thing I want to do is hang out with any more psychopaths!”

Cheshire cat laughs, “ That is unpreventable. They’re mad. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

Reno scowls, “ What makes you think I’m fucking bonkers?”

Cheshire cat, “ You must be mad. You came here.. right?”

Reno, “What makes you crazy?”

Cheshire cat, “ Well, We all know a dog is sane. Simple, grant that, but very sane. When he growls, he is angry. When his tail wags he is very happy. Now take a cat. When we growl we are very happy. But when our tail moves, beware for we are angry. Isn’t that crazy?”

Reno, “ I own a cat. He doesn’t growl but purrs when he is pleased.”

Cheshire, “ Growl.. Purr.. They are all the same. Oh are you going to play croquet with the King?”

Reno, “ No. I gather it is invitation only.”

Cheshire cat just grins and slowly vanishes, “ I have a feeling I shall see you there anyway.” But the face reappears in mid air, “ By the by, where did the baby go?”

Reno, “ It turned into a pig and trotted off.”

Cheshire Cat giggles, “ That is not surprising.” as the face vanished.

Reno is left standing there alone in the woods to ponder what he shall do next. Maybe visiting the gunman might be more appealing. So Reno heads down that path. The man sounded like Vincent. So, Vincent joined with the heroes. He was once a Turk and might feel more inclined to be helpful to a fellow of the same profession. He can only guess the other might be like Cid from his world. The pilot thereof his world is not as inclined to be helpful to people from ShinRa, despite working there once himself.

Reno notices the Cheshire Cat is once again in a branch nearby him.

Cheshire Cat, “ Dod you say a pig or a fig? I always get them mixed up?”

Reno scowls, “ I said a pig, you daft cat! Now either stay or go away!”

Cheshire cat, “ As you wish.” This time giving a slow vanish. This began at the tail till only the eyes, a grin, and stripes were left. Soon only the grin stays.

Reno, “ You forgot your lips, Madam cat.” But the grin widens even more before it also vanishes.

Reno walks down the path till he comes upon an odd looking house. The house had a rather gothic feel ti it, All painted in black. A bat flies over the place making him think of some wanna be vampire flick.

Reno, “ This is hardly uplifting. Makes me wish I went to the the damn pilot.”


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